Question?! Ask Tuffy Luv.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I need help.  Two days ago my boyfriend and I split up.  We had a fight about him disappearing for a while without any explanation.  I was furious because that has happened to me before; in high school I had a long-term boyfriend who one day left school and disappeared without telling me.  I never heard from him again.

Well, this past weekend I was afraid that was happening again and I panicked.  When he finally did get back to me I was furious at him for making me panic like that.  I said things I didn’t mean and then we were over.

He had said he was busy (not strictly true because he had been on the phone and he could have found five seconds to let me know everything was fine). I later found out through talking to our mutual friend that he was upset with me and that was why he hadn’t gotten back to me.  So then I was even more upset with him for not being honest with me.

But here’s the thing: this whole thing is my fault.  The whole time we were together, practically, I didn’t trust anything he told me.  I’ve had relationships in the past, and they all turned out terribly.  I realize that everyone has terrible relationships sometimes, but it seems like everyone I care about lets me down.  I don’t trust anyone.

Understand, it’s not the little things I don’t trust him with.  When he says he’s with friends and stuff, I don’t care.

Here’s an example.  One night we were talking, and he was drunk and he said things like he wanted to be with me for a long time, he could see living with me, etc.  And it was so nice of him to say those things.  But it freaked me out!  I mean, I love him, of course, and I feel that way too, but having him say it made me feel uncomfortable, like I didn’t think he meant it.  So the next day I was uncomfortable still and we had a mini-fight and I ended up asking him not to say things like that anymore.  (That’s one of the reasons he was upset with me.)

I realized that this is exactly what happened with my high school boyfriend, when I didn’t trust him and the left.  I feel terrible, and I was messed up over that for years. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.

So my question is this: how do I learn to trust my boyfriend?  What do I do now to make him see I’m sorry and I need him?  How do I stop picking mini-fights over tiny things because I can’t trust that he’s telling me the truth?

Sincerely,
Mistrustful Me

Dear Mistrustful Me,

Girrrrrrl. You need to find a balance between trusting your gut and letting your paranoia eat your face.

It’s like this: Everyone gets let down. It’s true. Friends, family, strangers, they’re all acting in their own best interest, and that’s just human. Unfortunately, sometimes that means someone gets hurt.

In your case, it’s this high school boyfriend who screwed you up. But I think you need a reality check on this one.

I seriously doubt dude dropped out and disappeared because of you.

Sorry. I know it’s become super romanticized in your head and all, but that shoop is just too nuts. The reason he left is a mystery, yes? Now he may not have CONTACTED you because he didn’t want to deal with you. But I seriously doubt he left HIGH SCHOOL because of you. Really. Let’s get a grip here.

However, that said, Aunt Tuffy can totally see how that would floop you up. I mean, it’s a pretty dramatic thing to happen. (PS Hope he’s okay, youknowwhatimean?!?!)

On to the present.

Your now-ex-boyfriend didn’t like that you couldn’t trust him. No one does. In order to be with someone, you HAVE to be willing to be a little vulnerable to them, and that means trusting them when they ask you to.

So in your next relationship, you gotta work on this. Yes? You will take deep breaths and not freak out when everything isn’t perfectly on your schedule.

HOWEVER!

There is a fine line between trusting and being stupid. Because we’ve all got instincts. We all know when someone’s lying.

And in this case, I gotta say, even though I think you’re paranoid in the android, your guy WAS lying to you and I think you sensed it.

I think it’s over with this guy, to be honest with you. Lessons have been learned, correct? You ask how to not pick fights; the answer is, DON’T PICK FIGHTS! If you’re upset about something, give yourself some time to cool off and then ask yourself: Is this really a problem or am I just being paranoid? If, after you’re no longer emotional, you still think something is suspicious, then you can bring it up IN PERSON and in a CALM AND KIND MANNER. If it doesn’t seem like a huge deal after you calm down, you have got to learn to just let it go.

Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.

Speaking of letting things go, get rid of that baggage too. Honestly. We all have bad stuff happen to us; when you let it go, you set yourself free. None of this is not such a major deal that you can’t learn to do that, just like everyone else. Trust me, you’ll be way happier. And you deserve that, kid.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

And its only right that we return the favor, treat them equally awesome in all areas of friendship. But even with the best of intentions, it’s easy to get sidetracked. Life is busy and staying touch is hard. And scheduling time in for her panic attacks as well as your own can get kind of tricky.

Maybe CollegeCandy can make that a little easier?
Here are five easy ways to be a good friend.

1. Make time to chat. Like I said, life is busy. And whether you and your bestie live down the hall or across the country staying in touch is never easy. But if you don’t know what’s going on in her life how will you know when to start in on rules 2-5. Skype or Facebook message. Text or e-mail. Take a coffee break or do dinner. But make time to chat. She’ll appreciate that you care enough to care about her life.

2. Listen before you speak. It’s important to give advice (see rule number 3) but before you do that you need to know what’s going on. Okay fine, so maybe you know that the guy she’s crying over is so not worth her tears. But she obviously doesn’t think so. Find out why. Don’t speak over her and don’t give your opinion before she’s given hers. Know the situation, understand where she’s coming from, and then…

3. Tell the truth. Now that you know what’s going on, it’s time to talk. Whether she wants to know what you think of the new boy toy or which top to wear to dinner, be honest. It’s a cliché for a reason. She’ll appreciate your candidness, and she’ll know she can trust you. It’s simple, and to the point. It’s something everyone can do, and something everyone should do.

4. Make her laugh. We all have those days. You know, those days that make you want to curl up in a ball under the covers and never come out. And on those days when we feel like nothing is ever going to get better again, and the easiest thing a friend can do is make you realize that isn’t true. So tell a stupid joke. Or share your own embarrassing story. Or share one of ours! Make light of the uncomfortable situation. Just make her laugh. It’s a simple and easy way to make her realize things are going to be okay.

5. Know when to break out the chocolate. Or the chocolate martinis. But that’s just semantics. The point is that sometimes a girl needs to wallow. And you need to let her know its okay to do that. Whether she broke up with her boyfriend, failed a test, or is having family problems, breakout the Ben and Jerry’s and head on over. Watch old movies or listen to cheesy music or Facebook stalk all night long. It won’t solve her problems, but it will make her forget about them for a while.

This isn’t the stuff of brain surgeons. It doesn’t require crazy amounts of money, or endless planning. It  just requires cutting a little time out of your week to be there when she needs you to be. Because really, that’s all a good friend is, don’t you think?

To snoop or not to snoop?  It is the question we have all been faced with.

Obviously, if asked whether we “spy” on our significant others, we hastily reject the notion because clearly we’re not one of those “psycho girlfriends.”  But admit it, you’re guilty on at least one account.  However, if you had probable cause, and your unlawful search and seizure did lead you to evidence unraveling your case, you may be able to use the self-defense plea. (OMG, I need to stop watching Law and Order marathons…)

We all know there are different levels of snooping. Reading text messages while pretending to play Brickbreaker on his phone is not as punishable as hacking into his Facebook daily.  And neither pale in comparison to installing spyware on his computer that will track his activity for you to later sort through.

So where is the line drawn? Is some level of snooping OK or should it be completely off-limits? 

Installing snooping software may sound bizarre and intrusive, but what if it proves to be effective in the end?  If a women suspects that her husband is cheating (or visa versa) but cannot get him to admit to his wrongdoings, is running her own investigation really a crime?  Some would advise her that it is in an invasion of his privacy, but what if she finds suggestive e-mails to a female co-worker via the software?  What if she discovers activity on ashleymadison.com?  Obviously she has her intuitions and her suspicion was valid, so most of us would agree that he is a cheating pig and she had a right to snoop.  But on the other hand, what if a woman really did have probable cause, and honestly thought she was going to find something, but her husband turned out to be clean as a whistle? (I never understood this metaphor, whistles collect saliva, they’re not even clean).  Was it ok for her to ultra-snoop to ease her mind, or should she have just convinced herself that he was trustworthy?

On a smaller scale, cell phone read-thrus and Facebook hacking are more prevalent among the college generation.  We have all heard the fight between couples: “I can’t believe you went through my phone” “I wouldn’t have to if you didn’t lie to me” “I don’t lie to you!” “Then why can’t I see if you have nothing to hide?”  way too many times to count.  The truth is, we can never really take a side, because our opinion changes each time the fight warrants our opinion.  If our best friend is the snooper, she had a reason to be, he’s a liar.  If our best friend is the snoopee, he’s a possessive jerk who needs to be able to trust her.

We may never be able to solve this issue and pin-point a definite “right” or “wrong” as the road to Snoopville is a bumpy one. What do you think? Is snooping right or wrong?

I’m new to writing this column, but I have to admit that I  already adore it. I’ve always loved being able to be open and honest about sex – sharing a bit of opinion and a bit of fact about what makes us tick sexually. But this week I’ve hit a snag. You see, pretty much everyone I know reads this column – my dad (hi dad!), his journalist friends, my family, my friends, and because I post links on my Facebook, there’s the potential for past teachers, my boyfriend’s family and family friends to read it too.

Of course, any kind of exposure is great, and I’m grateful that so many people are interested in reading my work, but then I realize – what am I comfortable with sharing? The short answer is really everything; I’m more than comfortable with my sexual proclivities.  But I keep remembering something my sex-columnist-hero, Dan Savage, has said many-a-time: there are some things that parents, teachers, and family friends have a right not to know.

Then I realized that this isn’t just a problem that plagues sex columnists. Any sexually active person faces the same dilemma – what’s okay and not okay to share? Since my first sexual experiences in high school, I’ve always had the problem of well…over sharing a tad. I guess I just chalked it up to girl talk — don’t best friends always swap stories of their sexual escapades? After all, it’s kinda nice to show off! What’s the fun if it has to be a secret? But I realized pretty quickly that some people just don’t want to know. And that’s okay. Forcing someone to listen to a play-by-play of what happened in bed last night is just as inappropriate as doin’ it with the door open when your roommate is home (I haven’t, Mal.. I swear!).

That being said, when you’re in a committed relationship, it comes down to a mutual respect when it comes to swapping stories. After you’ve been with someone long enough, embarrassing things are bound to happen. When you let someone get that close to you (and I mean, you can’t get any closer than being inside of someone/having someone inside of you), there’s not much you can hide. Being in a relationship gives you a feel of what’s okay and what’s not okay to share. For instance, I don’t mind (in fact, I kind of love it) when my boyfriend tells his friends about the crazy things I “make” him do (yeah right…) or how great something was that we tried. But to the same token, if he were to tell people about really personal things — like the things I say or the sounds I make, I would be not so impressed. But we’ve figured that out and agree that the same “telling” rules go for both of us — and problem solved.

It helps if you look at having a sex life as a kind of privilege. If you treat your partners like pieces of meat or characters on The Real World, chances are they won’t be coming back for more. As much as I like to talk (er, show off… either way), I’d take excellent, stable, private sex over crappy sex I can tell the world about any day.

When it comes to my “work” here, I think in order to do the best job writing Sexy Time as I possibly can, I need to open up and accept any discomfort that comes from the people I know who read it. If you don’t want to know, you don’t have to read. But since I only know my own experiences, it would be a lie to write about anything else. I haven’t gotten any complaints yet – so I’m just going to take it as it comes.

When it really comes down to it, what gets divulged is just about personal preference and your relationship with the person you’re talking about. I’ll admit it – I’ve told some things that really should’ve been kept private. People have done the same to me, and it’s not a good feeling. So the next time you’re sitting in the living room in your sweats with messy hair, talking to your ladies after your sexy buddy leaves the building, you’ve gotta think how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

How do you guys feel? How much is too much to share? Does it change when you’re in a relationship? Tell me what you think!

As probably anyone will tell you, one of the biggest dangers to a relationship is infidelity (and maybe weekly Real Housewives marathons). We all know (or have dated) the total skeez-bag frat boy who only cared about scoring with chicks and the only person he was faithful to was the guy who sold him his Keystone Light. Obviously, that guy had red flags all over him, but what about the less obvious offenses?

I think one of the biggest problems in a relationship is that many people don’t really have the same idea of what constitutes “cheating.” So what the boy might see as just a harmless night out with his guys, the girl might freak out that her boyfriend would go to a strip club and look at another girl naked!

So what is cheating?
Is it flirting with someone else?
Hanging out alone with someone else?
Dancing with someone else?
Kissing someone else?

Cheating is different for every person and every couple, and it’s something that every couple needs to figure out for themselves. It’s all based on your personal beliefs and those of your partner and it’s something that must be discussed so everyone is on the same page.

For me and Matt, well, I’m perfectly fine with him having a glance at a beautiful woman. I’m secure enough to know that it’s just a look and nothing else, and I’m also mature enough to acknowledge the fact that there are women out there who are sexy and beautiful and, well, who wouldn’t look? Matt knows that I believe cheating is when someone in a relationship acts on feelings for someone who is not their significant other. And he agrees. So we both know that thinking “my government prof is hot” is totally fine but “my government prof is a really great kisser” is not.

And that little understanding goes a long way in terms of trust and communication in our relationship.

I know not all guys are comfortable talking about cheating, but if you two can sit down and set up boundaries, neither of you will have to worry about what will and won’t get you in trouble.

So what to you is too far for you?

Flash forward to now, and I still want to take care of him. Everything from helping him with his laundry to more serious stuff like going to therapy. Matt and I have been through a lot of tough times, and I’m glad to say that we’re still together and still going strong. We have our weak moments just like everyone else, but one of the true signs of a real relationship is staying with each other through the bad times, not just the good. Anybody can go with you to the party, but a man who really loves you will hold your hair while you’re puking.

Relationships have to be built on trust and love, and if that’s not there, then someone in the relationship is bound to be unhappy. You should want to be each other’s strengths when the other seems to be running out. You should want to lean on the other person when you can’t go it alone. And there’s nothing better than knowing you’ve got all of that if you ever need it.

If I didn’t have Matt around I’d probably have been a mess when my parents moved across the country. But no matter how much I miss them, it’s hard to feel like my family left me when I have him around.

I just know that no matter what it is, I will be there for him and he’ll be there for me. If he has to take a pill every day for the rest of his life, I’ll be there with a glass of water. If it gets to the point where we want to start a family I know he’ll be in the delivery room with me while I’m screaming my head off (and probably yelling at him for doing that to me).  I love him and I’ll do just about anything to keep him healthy and happy. When you are in a relationship, it really shows your partner’s character when they stick with you during the really crappy times. It’s nice to not to have to go through the hard days alone.

Question? Answer: TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com. Dig?!

Dear Tuffy Luv,

I cheated on my boyfriend but now I want him back. I realized that the other guy that I was cheating with wasn’t that great so I really want to get back with my guy. He said okay we can get back together but the problem is that while we weren’t together (he broke up with me when he found out I cheated) he was constantly telling me how much he loved me and everything and that he wouldn’t see anyone else because he wanted to get back together.

Well the thing is, Tuffy, I just found out that he was talking to another girl while we weren’t together. He said he wouldn’t do that so now I feel like I can’t trust him. He told me about it because he said he feels bad about it but he says nothing happened, they just went out to dinner. But I’m so mad at him. He keeps apologizing but I feel like I need something bigger. Should I just get back with him like my heart wants or should I make him show he’s sorry first?

Please post this Tuffy; this is the third time I’m emailing you.

Gina

Dear Gina,

The reason I didn’t respond to your question the first two times was to spare you from what I was going to say. But, hey, if you insist:

This is totally effed. Sorry Gina, but you’re completely in the wrong here. I mean, you have got to be kidding me. You cheat on him, but he’s the one who’s supposed to beg your forgiveness?! That’s just messed upp.

So what do I think you should do?

Well, first of all, I think you should reconsider how you treat people you supposedly care about. Cheating is not okay. Sorry. It’s such an effed up thing to do. And then to demand he apologize to YOU just because he dated a little when you weren’t even together?! Not cool, girl. So not cool.

Yeah, I agree, if he said he was waiting for you, he shouldn’t have been dating. But you had already cheated on him! And you weren’t together! I mean, on what grounds are you saying YOU can’t trust HIM?! He even came clean to you about going out to dinner (horrors!)! What the hell more do you want?!

I don’t think you should take him back, Gina. No one deserves to be treated the way you’re treating him. Take a look at yourself and how you treat the people you love and make a decision to change. The way things are going, you’re not going to find yourself in a healthy relationship anytime soon. You get what you give.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

I’ve become the one that everyone else comes to for advice or when they have an awkward relationship/sex questions.

Case in point: Last week I was at the gym with my friend who is one of the sweetest, most innocent girls you could meet. We were jogging around the track just doin’ our thing when she asked me if she could ask a bit of an embarrassing question. “Of course,” I huffed, not knowing what to expect. Especially knowing what came next.

“What’s giving a blow job like?”

I couldn’t believe one of my best friends, especially her, was asking me such a blunt question! On the track! But I realized that it took a lot for her to ask me that and that she must really value my opinion (considering I’ve never even heard her use that term before!), so I gave her the best description I could and answered all of her related questions. Quietly, of course, there were other people running around us.

Having a serious relationship has turned me into the go-to girl for my friends with relationship questions. They have told me that they know I’ve been through a lot and they value my advice. And I have to admit, giving out relationship advice is kind of fun! I like being the all-knowing sage and helping people who may not be where I am with Matt. It’s my unique way of contributing to the group when they’re all sharing stories and that I can no longer relate to. It makes me feel wanted and connected to a group that I sometimes worry I’m growing apart from.

And it’s not just the girl’s asking, either; my guy friends have been asking me everything from “I have two girls interested in me, what do I do?” to “what should I get my girlfriend for our anniversary?” I’m not saying that I have all the answers when it comes to dating and relationships (far from it), but it seems like having a serious boyfriend makes me the most qualified adviser of the group and everyone’s stopping by my office for a little insight.

And I love it. Yeah, sometimes it’s hard to deal with the fact that I live a very different life than my single friends, but I’m learning that there are some perks to being the mom of the group.  It’s nice knowing that people think you’re doing something right. It’s nice to be trusted. And it’s really nice to be the first person think of when they need a little help.

"I swear, I wasn't cheating on you."

Need some advice? Ask nicely and I’ll hook you up. Email me at tuffyluv@collegecandy.com and I’ll get back to you on the fly.

Dear Tuffy Luv,

Please respond! I’m in a rough spot.

Also, this is a very long story.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years. We love each other very much and he is my best friend, but we have had a lot of trust issues. It all started close to a year into our relationship. I went over to his apartment one evening to hang out and he was watching football so I sat down at his computer to entertain myself with the internet. I wasn’t snooping but something in an open AIM window caught my eye. The last line of the conversation read “Wait don’t you have a girlfriend?” So being curious I read the rest of the convo. To sum the whole thing up, this chick (who he had been trying to set his good friend up with) was flirting with him and he said ” If I were to go there, or you were to come here, we would hook up. Don’t pretend like it wouldn’t happen.” And she pretty much agreed.

So after reading this I confronted him. He said that in the process of trying to hook his friend up with her, the girl developed feelings for my boyfriend and he just didn’t want to hurt her feelings. I told him  that he needed to be honest with her and tell her that he has a girlfriend and nothing was going to happen between them. I made him show me the AIM conversation in which he said this to her.

Understandably, after this incident I became intensely paranoid. So, I stole his Myspace password. Not only his Myspace password but Facebook, Yahoo, and Gmail. I know that that’s really horrible but I didn’t know what else to do because I really didn’t want to break up with him but I didn’t feel I could trust him. Everything had been fine until twice in the past month or two the girl that originally set this whole thing into motion has sent naked pictures to his Gmail.

I’m pretty much fed up with this stuff but I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to confront him about all of this. I feel just as guilty as him because of my dishonesty with stealing his PWs. Even though I know it might be the right thing to do, I don’t want to break up with him. I have invested so much in this relationship. He really is my best friend.  But trust is a key component in a relationship and I think ours has been so badly damaged it can’t ever be repaired. How do I admit to my dishonesty and is there any way to repair this? Please help.

Thanks,
Lost

Dear Lost,

Dump his lying a** and get yourself someone who doesn’t completely suck.

Look, there’s no way to fix this. He’s being completely dishonest with you, and, as you know, you’re being dishonest with him. I really doubt there’s any way back from this.

And why would you want to stay in a relationship with someone like this guy? You say you guys are best friends, but this is not a friend, honey. This is a man who flirts with other women online and accepts nude photos. If he’s doing it online, he’s doing it in person. If he hasn’t cheated on you yet (which, to be honest, I’m pretty sure he has), he’ll be doing as soon as he gets up the nerve.

You were definitely wrong to get his passwords and to look at his private information. This is not the way to have a relationship and I recommend you don’t do it in your next one.

But he was DEFINITELY wrong to carry on online relationships with these women. And he’s made no effort to stop, either! That’s the part that really grinds Tuffy’s gears. He makes up really lame excuses and then keeps right on.

Dump him, girl. He is not worth your time. This is not an investment. This is a dud.

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

We all lie, in some form or another. We lie to our parents (it’s not a hangover; it’s a stomach bug), our teachers (I’m late because the bus was delayed, not because I forgot to set my alarm), our employers (it’s my mom’s birthday, not some girl in my hall’s 21^st) and our sexual partners (you’re the best I’ve ever had!).

Lying to someone you’re sleeping with is dangerous territory, though. By lying to them, you could be endangering their physical (or mental) health. Which lies are OK to tell, and what things do we have to fess up too?

Lie: I’ve never worn this lingerie for anyone else.

Verdict: OK. We all have a favorite pair of lingerie, and we’ve probably worn it with more than one partner. After all, good lingerie is expensive, and we shouldn’t have to throw it out just because a relationship ends. But your partner probably doesn’t want to know what you wore last time you canoodled with someone else, so it’s okay to keep that information to yourself, or fib a little if it comes up.

Lie: I never slept with [insert friend here].

Verdict: BAD. The truth will come out eventually, and it will not be pretty. How would you feel if you found out one of your partner’s close friends was actually someone they used to sleep with? It’s best to have this information up front.

Lie: Your family/friends are so much fun.

Verdict: OK. You might hate the way his best friend burps or her crazy uncle that gets way too competitive playing volleyball, but your partner doesn’t need to be privy to this information. These people are going to be in their life for a while, so you best learn to deal with them, or at least act like you have.

Lie: I don’t have a crush on my chem professor.

Verdict: OK. You don’t have to fess up to every little crush you have, as long as there is no chance of the crush leading to anything real. Although, if you do fess up to it, you can probably convince your partner to role-play it with you.

Lie: I’ve always used condoms.

Verdict: BAD. Lying about your sexual health is never OK. If you have had unprotected sex, fess up and get tested, to keep you both healthy.

Lie: I came.

Verdict: BAD. Faking orgasms only hurts your sex life. When you say you like something, you encourage your partner to do it more often. If you lie about having orgasms, your partner will keep doing what they think works, and you’ll suffer the consequences.

What are some lies you’ve told to a sexual partner?