I’m sure Tyra Banks has sweet dreams every night. She’s got tons of money, goes to Harvard (kind of) and she’s about to release a book, called Modelland, which is sure to win the Nobel Prize in Literature. So how could she ever have a bad night’s sleep?

Well we’ve decided to make a list of what Tyra’s worst nightmares would be if she had them, and the nightmares of a retired Victoria’s Secret model are TYRA-FYING.

1. Forgetting how to “Smize”

Tyra basically invented smizing (that’s smile with your eyes for those of you not up-to-date on Tyra lingo). She probably smized right out of the womb because she didn’t have real teeth yet. If she went to a photo shoot and forgot how to smize, her empire would crumble.

2. Getting Fat Again

We all remember those pictures of Tyra in a bathing suit that wasn’t very flattering. She was getting criticized left and right for being too plump, and then she told everyone to “Kiss my fat ass!” on her talk show. It would have been empowering, except she lost the weight soon after and was back to looking like model Tyra.

3. Reuniting with America’s Next Top Model Losers

This nightmare is actually a reality. Next week, a new season of ANTM premieres, and the model hopefuls are all losers from previous seasons.  This means we will get to see more of Bre “you stole my granola bars” Scullark and Isis “the transgender one” King.

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Reality television has created some interesting characters the last few years. And by “interesting” I mean “people I want to punch in the face.” Celebrities like Speidi and the Karadashian crew have infiltrated all corners of Hollywood and for what? Big booties and bushy beards? Embarrassing baby daddy’s and even more embarrassing “albums”?

Thanks but no thanks, reality TV.

We love to hate on these D-List losers (it’s my favorite pastime after day drinking and watching the shows that make them famous), but the reality of the reality TV situation is that there really are some hidden gems out there. Awesome characters whose careers have been tainted by their moronic, fame-seeking peers. These 6 reality stars have been overshadowed for far too long and I’ve had enough.

It’s time for some new reality stars.
You listening, Bravo?

Vinny Guadagnino – Jersey Shore:
The youngest bro from everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure show is unbelievably underrated. We get it: it’s hard to be seen when The Situation is flashing his abs every time you get some camera time. Vinny needs his time to shine. And what better way than by following him around when he leaves The Shore behind and moves back in with Mama and Papa Guadagnino? We could watch him creep, smush girls in his childhood bedroom, then enjoy a breakfast spread (courtesy of mama G) with his lady friend as his mommy folds his laundry. Just sayin’, I would bet 100 Ed Hardy hats that Vinny’s his uncles are way better wingmen than Pauly, Ronnie and the Sitch anyway.

Brad Goreski – Rachel Zoe Project – and Randy – Say Yes to the Dress: What would happen if you combined Rachel Zoe’s hilariously fabulous Style Director and Kleinfelds’ over-the-top Fashion Director? Only the most fabulous makeover show to ever grace television. (Move over, Tim Gunn.) I have a girl-boner just thinking about it. Vera Wang, Pnina Tornai, Louis Vuitton, Marc Jacobs and Valentino… Celebrities picking out wedding dresses… Average mere mortals getting done up by my two favorite gay men on television. SO MANY COMBINATIONS OF FABULOUS.

Cookie – Bethenny Getting Married?: This Lhasa Apso mix runs the Frankel-Hoppy household. Her vote of confidence is what got Max hired. (And thank god for that, am I right?) Whatever she says, goes. And by “says” I mean “bites.” She’s the biggest bitch in town (giving Jill Zarin a run for her money) and we all know bitches make for great TV. How do you think The Real Housewives got 1,000 spin-offs?

Zoila Chavez – Flipping Out: Her “official” title is the Director of In-House Operations for Bravo’s most neurotic, OCD designer. Hysterical. The woman watches telenovas all afternoon, refuses to exercise and chases around misbehaved dogs, all while dishing out some major sass. For the last 10 years, Zoila has put up with Jeff Lewis and his antics, putting her own personal life on hold. It’s time she kick that diva to the curb (of his $2 million dollar house) and be ABC’s next Bachelorette. Ali’s got nothing on this spicy firecracker.

Nigel Barker – America’s Next Top Model: Nigel has been living in Tyra’s ego’s giant shadow since Cycle 2 of ANTM back in 2004. But why? If it weren’t for that hot hunk of heaven, I would have stopped watching that sh*tshow years ago. Give him his own show  – I’m thinking “Nigel Barker Takes Off His Shirt and Does Things” – and I’d set my DVR to record new episodes AND reruns weekly. (Mmmm Nigel Barker Takes Off His Shirt and Stares Into the Sun, Nigel Barker Takes of His Shirt and Watches Grass Grow, Nigel Barker Takes off His Shirt and Then Takes Off His Pants.)

Do I smell an Emmy up in here?

Same goes for Tyra Banks (who does she think she is?!), Ke$ha, Olivia Palermo, Katherine Hiegl and the entire cast of Jersey Couture (no, I don’t know why I keep on watching it). These people shouldn’t be allowed to speak, let alone speak on camera. In fact, I think the world would be a much better place if we never had to hear from them again. Wouldn’t that be heavenly?

So let’s all start a wish list of the celebrities we want to pack up and ship off to an island far, far away. A land filled with dangerous animals, poisonous fruits and zero Internet access or cell phone service.

Who are you giving your first ticket to?

Emmy-Loyola University Chicago: Spencer from The Hills. No one deserves it more.

Sarabeth – University of Texas: I would send Tyler Perry away. The world has enough fat-lady-who’s-really-a-skinny-black-man comedies, and he’s making the same crappy non-funny movies over and over and over again. And if he has one more sitcom start up on TBS, I’ll scream.

Charlsie – Hollins Univeristy: I’d like to send Real Housewife of NJ Danielle Staub to an island where she can’t hide in Bentleys from the snakes!

Melissa – University of Maryland: Miley Cyrus. I think she should take her scantily clad, birdlike self to the Island from “Lost” and stay there. We’ll see who “Can’t Be Tamed” when she encounters the polar bears and smoke monster there.

Katherine – University of Delaware: I would have to say I’d send Mel Gibson far, far away. The way he’s treated Oksana is completely disgusting and I could put up with a thousand Spencer Pratts before I’d be okay with Mel Gibson.

Norah – Drake University: Spencer Pratt. He went off the deep end this season in The Hills, and I think we’ve all had enough of his mystical healing stones and overly fluffy hair.

Lauren H -The New School: Megan Fox – can we please just make it stop already!

Melanie – Northeastern: Charlie Sheen. Seriously, he repulses me and the fact that he is one of the highest paid television stars (on the worst sitcom) is awful.

Sara C- Fordham: Absolutely the Kardashians (do they count as one unit?). Not only are they dumb as posts, their show is always boring and they’re only famous because their late father was OJ’s lawyer (not really a great claim to fame, eh?). Yeah, Kim is hot, but there are plenty of other hot celebs and hot non-celebs, so that argument doesn’t sway me. Adios, amigas.

Lauren – University of Michigan: Ann Coulter. Though I’d really like to be there when she gets mauled by a bear.

Nina – Michigan State University: Mel Gibson! The aforementioned island would work, or he could just go to hell as long as I don’t have to hear his stupidity anymore.

Brithny – Duke: Mama Grizzly herself, because Sarah Palin should never, ever, be allowed to even attempt running for president. I’d run to Canada.

Sammie – Fordham: Kelly Bensimon.  Bitch be crazy.

Leah – Ryerson University: Taylor Swift, so I never have to hear another “OMG I can’t believe I won another award I don’t deserve” ever again.

Brittany – University of Saint Thomas: Kristen “I like the taste of my lip” Stewart. If I never had to see her act or pout while wearing Gucci and standing beside Taylor Lautner…I would be fine with that.

Cristina – Michigan State: It would have to be Spencer Pratt. I really don’t think I even need to describe why.

Caitlin – University of Alabama: Spencer Pratt.  I can deal with Heidi’s fake boobs and Lindsay Lohan’s insanity, but that flesh-colored beard I cannot handle.

Mechelle – Florida State: Perez Hilton. You can’t be a style maven AND wear that get-up to the VMAs.

Meg – University of Delaware: I’d send Miley Cyrus. She drives me insane, has no talent and sounds like she has a retainer in when she sings. I’m hoping that if she never came along maybe Justin Beiber wouldn’t have either and we’ve have some real music to still listen to.

Rachael – University of Miami: Oh, god, only one? Well, since I’m sure most people will say Mel Gibson (for obvious reasons, though, as a Jew, I’m personally offended by his continued ability to speak in public), I’ll go with the less common Tom Cruise. Between his attitudes toward the mentally ill, what he did to Katie Holmes, and his crappy excuse for acting, I think we’d be better off without him.

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The Great: No Tyra in 2009!

As we all get the last couple of additions to our perfect New Year’s Eve outfits and figure out what resolutions we are going to attempt to keep next year, we are all looking forward to starting 2010 (so) fresh (and so clean, clean). It’s a new year and a new decade filled with endless possibilities!

Will we manage to pass every class this year?
Will we find another guilty pleasure show to add to our long list of Housewives episodes clogging our DVR?
What will be the first celebrity scandal of the new year?
Will we finally fit into those skinny jeans from high school?
Can anyone really be douchier than Jon Gosselin and Tiger Woods?

While much of what 2010 has in store for us is a big fat mystery, there are some things that we just can’t wait for! And, of course, quite a few things we’d rather do without. Get ready for the future, ladies:

The good: Jean Paul Gaultier and Zac Posen are bringing high fashion trends to us for cheap as a part of Target’s Designer Collaboration Series!
The bad: Stylists around the world are toting animal ear headbands (bunny ears, Mickey Mouse ears, teddy bear ears, cat ears…I wish I was kidding) as the next hot trend.

The good: Tyra Banks is ending her reign as the craziest bitch on daytime TV “talk show.”
The bad: Real World is back on and looks incredibly boring. (I want hookups and messy drunken fights involving kitchen utensils, not political rallies and a girl who runs all the time because her mom calls her fat.)

The good: The Lady GaGa Tour is finally coming to a town near you!
The bad: Kanye won’t be there to entertain us with some show stopping shenanigans. In fact, Kanye probably won’t be entertaining us anywhere with any more shenanigans in this post-Taylorgate world.

The good: The Apple Tablet computer has a rumored release date of February. Which means life is about to get a whole lot more awesome come 02/10.
The bad: Handheld gaming is the focus of many tech companies, meaning you may never see your boyfriend again, but you will see the back of some annoying 12-year-old’s head as he walks oh so slowly in front of you while he plays his stupid game.

The good: Amy Adams is having a baby with her fiancé Darren Legallo. And you know we can all use another well-dressed, good looking Hollywood offspring to stalk online. After all, Suri is getting old. Literally.
The bad: Tila Tequila will be giving birth to her brother’s baby. This not only means that Tila Tequila will be shooting out a baby, but that the baby is obviously going to carry the genes of an incredibly challenged person. I mean, really, how slow do you have to be to think it’s a good idea to cook a baby in Tila’s oven.

What else are you guys excited for? What’s got you hiding under your covers dreading the new year?

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