No offense to you, James Cameron. I love what you did with Titanic. It was a cinematic masterpiece that will remain close to my heart.  But I do not think I can say the same for your new movie, Avatar.  It may be the culmination of your life’s work, but honestly, the blue animated people look plain stupid. And it baffles me that every time the trailer comes on, every male in a 10-foot radius immediately goes from 6 to midnight. December 18^th can’t come soon enough for them, and I just don’t get it.

The mind of a man is one of life’s greatest mysteries. And the weird obsessions of those men… well, I’ll just never understand:

Fantasy Sports: I’ve never seen more passion in a man’s eyes as when he is watching his fantasy football team take the lead. Perhaps it makes watching football more fun, but does it really get any better than drinking beers, eating junk food and reclining in a La-Z-Boy for an entire day? One time I joined a celebrity fantasy league in hopes to understand the obsession. But even I, the celeb stalker and supporter of all things muscle-y that I am, found it to be just mundane. Read More »

Let’s be real, dating can be an absolute nightmare. And how many times have we sent a “this just isn’t going anywhere” text, wishing that we hadn’t just wasted two months of our precious time on this guy? Time we could have spent hanging out with the girls, reading Texts From Last Night, or shaving our bikini lines.

One too many.

And that is why we’re going to help you girls out. Men are very simple creatures, so simple in fact, that they can be neatly organized into a Venn diagram with pretty colors like the ones we used to color in elementary school.

This little ditty sums up the male gender in very simple terms, making it effortless for us girls to identify what sort of person our new prospect actually is, without the wasted month of dating to find out.

And it’s 100% accurate.

If your guy is hot (mmmm!) and he’s nice, he’s dumb. The end.
If he’s nice and knows all the answers in history class? He’s a nerd.
And if he’s answering all those questions while tossing back that gorgeous hair and flexing his muscles, he’s an ass.

Of course there are varying degrees of the above types. Your gorgeous, nice boy may be able to form coherent sentences, but after three weeks of him dying all his whites pink (“Why can’t I just throw in my red boxers?”), the diagram has proved correct. Read More »

"Here's the thing about us women..."

There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to guys over the years.

Things that would no doubt make my life (and the life of the girl who came along after me) so much easier…and pleasure-filled. Or things that I never got the chance to say because the boy decided to break up with me via email instead of growing some balls and saying it to my face and I didn’t want to look like the crazy bitch who can’t handle a break up and then sends back an angry email talking about how bad he was in bed and how he’s clearly over-compensating in his life for his lack of package.

Sorry. Little bit angry right now.

The point is, if I’ve learned anything from all my he said/she said-ing, it’s that communication is key when it comes to the relationship between men and women. They can’t read our minds and we can’t read theirs.  So I started thinking about all the things I’ve wanted to say to boys over the years – everything they need to know when it comes to us ladies – and I asked my guy to do the same.

Hopefully this will clear things up for all of us and we can all live happily ever after.
Now where’s my Nobel Prize? Read More »

I think we can all agree that physical attraction is important in a relationship. You don’t get all hot and bothered over just anyone, right? But there seems to be a bit of disagreement about what makes someone physically attractive, especially between men and women. You know as well as I do that personality can totally make a guy more attractive, but it doesn’t seem to be the same story for them.

How many times have you seen a total hottie dating some ugly dud? Now think of all the times that has been reversed. Can’t think of any? That’s because it doesn’t happen. Or at least not often.

And that pisses me off. How is it fair that a Jonah Hill can nab a Scarlett Johansson (theoretically, of course), but I can’t get a David Beckham to look my way? WTF? Do guys even realize how ridiculous that is? I tried to find out. Shockingly, even dudes can’t rationalize it. Read More »

A new scientific study has been published that can’t be ignored. Basically all of our suspicions about men have been scientifically proven. I won’t even have to be witty or clever about it, I will just simply quote the article.

“Researchers used brain scans to show that when straight men looked at pictures of women in bikinis, areas of the brain that normally light up in anticipation of using tools, like spanners and screwdrivers, were activated.”

Ah! According to Men’s brains, woman = screwdriver. They think of us on the same level as a hammer or a wrench. Great, right? But wait; it get’s so much better!

“Scans of some of the men found that a part of the brain associated with empathy for other peoples’ emotions and wishes shut down after looking at the pictures.”

So here’s how it works: Man sees woman in bikini. Man thinks “Mmmm….tooools.” The human part of Man’s brain literally shuts off. Yay!

Thus women understand 85% of their interactions with heterosexual males. But wait…it actually gets EVEN BETTER. Read More »

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month, Cosmo published a wonderful/accidentally hilarious article titled “Fascinating Facts About Men.” Naturally intrigued by the offer of any additional knowledge to help me decipher what the hell goes through my boyfriend’s mind, I delved into the article. The facts, if not all that surprising, did explain some of the reasons WHY men do such inexplicable things occasionally. Far more interesting, however, were Cosmo’s interpretations and addendums to the facts. I took it upon myself to conduct my own “scientific” (read: slightly drunk with several girlfriends) analysis.

1. “Men with elevated levels of testosterone may have trouble commiting, because it suppresses vasopressin and oxytocin, chemicals that encourage bonding.”

Cosmo says: “Signs a dude has a high dosage of it: strong brow, defined cheekbones, thin lips, pronounced jawline, broad shoulders, muscular body, large penis, ring finger longer than his index finger.”

Kari says: Cosmo just described Robert Pattinson, as far as I’m concerned (not that I can confirm the part about his schlong). So, yeah, I’d have trouble committing too if hundreds, quite possibly thousands, of women would literally do anything to screw me. I also enjoyed the sculpted physique and stunning profile of the little cartoon man that Cosmo supplied, perhaps a little too much. Thus reinforcing my theory about it not being the testosterone itself that makes a playa, but the hot face and rockin’ bod it creates. Read More »