The following is a guest post by professional funny man and CollegeCandy friend, Aaron Karo. Read, laugh, learn a few things

I’m often referred to as a “guy’s guy.” I like drinking and sports and hanging with the fellas. My third book, which is about being single when all your friends are couples, is entitled I’m Having More Fun Than You and features me on the cover with five models. This Friday, November 19th, Comedy Central is premiering my first one-hour stand-up special, AARON KARO: THE REST IS HISTORY (with an album by the same name dropping November 20th). My show is all about the glory of bachelorhood and sleeping around. You know, guy stuff. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret: the majority of my fans are female.

That’s right, roughly 65-70% of my audience members and mailing list subscribers are girls. Why? Because I tell it like it is. I don’t pull punches. I reveal what’s really going on inside the pea-size brain of the common man. And so that’s what I’m going to do today: drop a little knowledge for you, the very lovely readers of CollegeCandy. Here’s what’s gonna happen. First, read my Top Ten Misconceptions About Guys. Then, watch my Comedy Central Special (November 19th) and buy my album (November 20th). After all that, you’ll be prepared for anything. Here we go…

Top Ten Misconceptions About Guys, by Aaron Karo

1. We’re beer experts.
You know when you walk into one of those bars that has, like, six hundred beers on tap and your boyfriend squints his eyes while he reviews them all and nods knowingly as the bartender rattles of a list of vaguely German-sounding ales until he confidently choose one? He has no f**king clue what he’s talking about. He’s just trying to impress you and hopes what he picked tastes like Coors Light.

2. We’re knowledgeable about your menstrual cycle.
In order to fend off his advances, a girl once told my buddy she had her period three different times within a month. It actually worked.

3. We’re highly logical.
Somehow we are extremely protective of our little sisters but have no problem jerking off to the daughter from How I Met Your Mother.

4. We’re all about our boys.
Do you ever feel neglected because your man knows everything about his buddies but can’t remember the simple things you tell him? Fret not, we don’t listen to our guy friends either. I went on a two-week vacation last year, and when I got back I had 27 voicemails from my boys. Which was cool, except not one of them even realized I was gone.

5. We’re judgmental.
Don’t bother cleaning your place up if the guy you’re crushing on is coming over. We don’t give a sh*t. We don’t care if you live in a mine shaft with a bunch of Chileans, just clear off a flat surface and we’re good to go. Oh wait, your bras and panties are lying all over the place? Bonus!

6. We’re dependable in an emergency.
Back when I was still living in New York, the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night. When the building was evacuated, I made sure to save my old, beat-up Yankees hat but forgot my roommate was fast asleep in the other room. Whatever; he lived.

7. We’re patient.
Ever tell a guy that you’re not ready to sleep with him yet? And what does he always say in reply? “That’s okay.” Notice his voice go up about half an octave when he says it. He’s lying. It’s not okay. He wants it right now. Ever tell a guy you want to sleep with him right away and he replies, “Sorry, I’m not ready.”? Of course not.

8. We’re persistent.
My buddy was dating this girl for a year when one day they got into a huge fight over the phone and both hung up in a huff. They never spoke again. That’s it, no discussion, no reconciliation, no break-up, nothing. I was like, “Dude, you can’t do that, you have to talk to her, you went out for a year!” “Forget it,” my buddy said, “we’re through.” Which kinda sucked for me since she had hot friends.

9. We’re trustworthy.
If you sleep a with guy and then ask, “You’re not gonna go tell all your friends about this tomorrow are you?” he’ll say no. Which is true. But when you go to the bathroom five minutes later, he will send out a mass text.

10. We’re chivalrous.
When you’ve made it clear to a guy you’re not gonna hook up with him but need to stay at his place because you’re too drunk or it’s too far to get home, he’ll often go out of his way to offer you a t-shirt and shorts to sleep in. He’s not being nice. It’s just easier to try to cop a feel (which he’s inevitably gonna do) when you’re braless and wearing a XXL t-shirt he got for free for signing up for a Capital One card.

[Aaron Karo: The Rest Is History premieres on Comedy Central Friday, November 19th at  11pm ET/PT. Get a preview here!
The album drops November 20th.
Get more Karo at Ruminations.com or facebook.com/aaronkaro]

[We ladies spend a lot of time wondering what guys are thinking, most often over stiff drinks or soupy ice cream. Unfortunately, besides The Dude, we don't often get the chance to really find out. So we continue speculating, wondering and growing more and more self-conscious by the minute. Not anymore. CollegeCandy's got a new guy in town who is going to open up his man brain and enlighten us as to what exactly goes on in there. Prepare yourselves, girls; I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting ride.]

Just like a psychic that can tell your future with Tarot cards or your palm, guys can tell a lot about a woman by the kind of drink she is having at a bar. And just like those crappy psychics with crystal balls, guys are often full of sh*t too, but here goes.

Note: I am using the bar as a setting rather than a house or frat party because it offers up more variety. The only variety you get at college parties is not what you’re drinking, but how you’re downing that Natty Light: upside down, through a funnel, or the traditional red cup. At your local bar, however, you can see everything from your down-to-earth non-light beer drinkers to the seemingly high-maintenance Cosmopolitan drinkers. Can both of these women be the same person on different nights? Sure, but not likely.

Guys know what they like also, but we’re a little shaky on our drink convictions. We pretty much drink what’s available or what everyone else is drinking. We like being part of the (wolf) pack. Primal instinct, I guess. And with this primal instinct comes the ability for men to predict certain kinds of personality traits based on the type of drink a women is having.

Now, there are way too many drinks and concoctions to go over all of them, so I will choose the most popular based on a recent Friday night research session at a local bar.

What follows is a gateway into the part of the male brain that is dedicated to women and bad decisions: the penis. OK, OK – I’m kidding. We do use our real brains (just not to their full potential at times), but we are wired differently so have an open mind and don’t get mad if the stiletto fits.

Cosmopolitans
When a guy sees a girl drinking a cosmo, the first thing that will come to his mind is, “uh oh, this girl is a prissy brat looking for someone to buy her drinks for the rest of the night.” Before you get your panties in a bunch, let me explain. Cosmos are sweet, pricey, and usually watered-down. The phrase “you are what you eat” (in this case drink) obviously comes to mind. Men think you are probably sweet, but pricey and with a watered-down personality. I don’t mean pricey like a hooker, but more like you appreciate nice things, material things. There isn’t anything wrong with that, but know beforehand that the cosmo in your hands is a sign that reads, “Sex and the City princess without the sex.”

Vodka Tonic
One part vodka, one part tonic water. Throw in a splash of lime if you’re feeling frisky and you have a simple, no frills drink that is tasty, but strong. It is no surprise that the description of a drink can also describe the drinker. With this drink in a woman’s hand, you can be sure of one thing: she’s not going to hold anything back. When I asked a 21-year-old woman what she thought about her vodka tonic, she replied, “it’s a little more rude than a cosmo, but straight up. Not fancy, just plain with a kick.” You can expect a woman with this drink to be more approachable and receptive to a guy’s opening line, but she will be quick to tell you whether or not she is interested. She is laid back and mature, but likes to have a good time. She gives the impression that she is also into health and her figure (this is the lowest calorie cocktail out there). Also, the type of vodka she chooses can reveal even more: If she chose the house vodka, she might not be as picky about her style of men; she’s attracted to whoever catches her eye. With premium vodka, she knows exactly what she wants and never settles for less.

Beer
When all else fails, the girl drinking beer will probably never let you down. This is the girl who you can party with and then hit Taco Bell with at 3 in the morning. She isn’t offended by the multitude of sexual innuendos and jokes that are inevitable when guys get together and drink. Guys are so comfortable with these types of women because they know they can expect a drama-free night, unlike with the quiet, cosmo drinkers huddled around a table in the corner. When guys think of a girl who drinks beer, the following descriptions come to mind: cool, down-to-earth, and one of the guys.

There is only one problem – guys say they want date someone like that, but they hardly ever do. These women are very likeable and easy to be around, but they have the tendency of falling into the dangerous friend zone. This slippery slope can wreak havoc on your dating life because while you’re puking your guts out from all that fun beer pong, the guy you secretly like is trying to pick up the hot, girly cosmo drinker during last call (smart fellow waited until it was last call so he wouldn’t have to spend money on all those damn expensive cocktails).

Shots
This is probably the most controversial description for two reasons. The first one is because women hate it when men judge them based on the superficial. (Women call it superficial, we call it deductive reasoning.) Second, women don’t want to admit to being that girl dancing on the bar in her bra with guys throwing dollar bills at her (the same girl you and your girlfriends will gossip about on Monday morning). No woman wants to be called a slut. Not even sluts like being called sluts. It is important that you know what men are thinking, though, so I will have to be the one to break the news to you:

Tequila, Jager, Kamikazes, Fuzzy Navels, and the vastly offensive yet tasty Red-Headed Slut – all great shots that lead to bad decisions and great morning-after stories. If you’re a woman taking shots like a champ, you might as well wear a bullseye on your back. Men think you’re a slut. Girls taking shots at a bar makes a girl with a tramp stamp look more prude than Taylor Swift. For you it might just mean that you are celebrating or had a really long day, which is fine. But celebrating and that really long day ended around shot #7. Men, on the other hand, are thinking one thing: this is a woman looking to do something or someone crazy and not remember it the next day.

Wine
Red or white, wine will always mean sophistication, maturity, and a low tolerance for bullshit. Men tread lightly around a women drinking wine at a bar. The glass of wine tells men that she knows how to pace herself, but with the right company, the glasses will keep coming and alcohol will do what it does best. The wine-drinker enjoys a good conversation, but it doesn’t necessarily have to be about something deep like existentialism. As long as it’s engaging, she will stay along for the ride.

Could I be completely off on these descriptions? Of course. If you’re a female beer drinker, you might be reading this and saying to yourself, “I hook up plenty with my guy friends and just because I like to drink beer doesn’t mean I’m not feminine enough.” You’re right, it doesn’t. But, like with all the other drink types, there might be women out there who have consistently thought they were sending a different message or no message at all with their drink.

This isn’t a scientific approach to personality profiling. It is, however, a blunt assessment of how most guys think when it comes to women and their drink of choice. Men are lazy. We use anything in our brains that helps us cut corners and make decisions quicker (things like past experiences, movies, stupid sh*t our friends say, and even superficial things like drinks). Have some fun with this and use it on guys. Next time you go out with your girlfriends to a bar, play around with this and see what kind of guy each drink attracts.

It’s worth a shot.

What's he thinking about? His friend's girlfriend, apparently.

Okay, so Cosmo recently paired up with AskMen.com and conducted the survey to end all surveys.  That’s right, they asked the questions you’ve always wanted answered, but were too embarrassed/afraid/clueless to ask.  Ladies, this is your chance to delve into the dark and twisted male psyche…and the results may shock you.  Like, for instance, how nearly 70% of men have fantasized about a friend of their girlfriend or wife.  Or how 48% said they’d dump their girlfriends if she got fat.

Hmmm…maybe now you’ll reconsider dragging the BF along to your Jane Austen book club.  But don’t pass on the spinach dip.  You know that stuff is totally worth losing a guy for.  Yum!

[The following post was written by dating coach, Kira Sabin, a keg of dating and relationship wisdom. She's been helping people find love for years so we thought we'd tap this keg and see what sort of brilliant advice she has for the CollegeCandy readers. Drink up, ladies.]

I think it was the genius singer-songwriter Avril Lavigne who brought up the ever important question…”Why did you have to go and make things so complicated?”

Man, do we complicate things. Sometimes things are so easy, almost simple, and we somehow make things harder than they are. We add feelings where they don’t exist, we try to have “the talk” before we even know someone’s good and not so good stuff, we have sex way too soon in a relationship (yeah…I said it), we put up a wall, get clingy, project our crap….the list goes on and on. At the end of the day we are all just trying to connect. Build. Share. Learn. Love. That’s it. It is a human need, it is us who complicates it.

Let me give you an example.

I have actually had female clients and friends that have told me a story that ends with “well he says he just not interested in dating right now…what do you think that means?” What do I think that means? Well, as someone who has started to speak fluent manspeak I will translate it for you. It means “he isn’t interested in dating right now.” Yup, that’s it. But women will sit and drink wine with their friends for hours and deliberate the whole entire dating relationship to decipher this cryptic message. They turn into the modern day Nancy Drew looking for clues into what happened. Here is some of the answers I have heard.

“He got scared of getting too close.”
“He was intimidated by your success.”
“He must not be over his ex.”
“He likes you TOO much.”

Wha?

OK, I wasn’t in those relationships. I have absolutely no idea what happened. But here is what I do know: He isn’t interested. That’s it. That is all you need to know. Somehow all of the stuff that brought him and you to that point just isn’t the right match for him. It isn’t personal. Most likely it has nothing to do with you, it just isn’t right.

So really, is it that complicated?

This week, work on uncomplicating things. Let go of the feeling that it is all about you and just have fun with it. Get to know someone for the pure pleasure of understanding another person and their differences. Build a connection with the intention of sharing, instead of trying to manipulate it and figure what will happen in the future. It probably won’t happen that way anyhow. Give a hug…because you can.

Once you start to uncomplicate, you can just enjoy the journey. Isn’t that the point?

Ready to uncomplicate things?  Join me for the College Candy Dating Makeover starting soon!

The mind of a man is one of life’s greatest mysteries. And the weird obsessions of those men… well, I’ll just never understand:

Fantasy Sports: I’ve never seen more passion in a man’s eyes as when he is watching his fantasy football team take the lead. Perhaps it makes watching football more fun, but does it really get any better than drinking beers, eating junk food and reclining in a La-Z-Boy for an entire day? One time I joined a celebrity fantasy league in hopes to understand the obsession. But even I, the celeb stalker and supporter of all things muscle-y that I am, found it to be just mundane.

Strippers: I’ll admit I’ve been to a strip club once or twice in my life, and I just don’t get the appeal. Other than the totally awesome acrobatics, which only ever occur at the truly classy establishments, it’s just nudity. Rubbing up against you. In public. That you can’t touch. What’s the point?

And while we’re on the subject, what’s the fascination with fake boobs? Have you ever touched a pair? Did you like the cement feel underneath your fingertips? Gross.

The Ability to Grow Facial Hair: I never know the appropriate response to give when a guy tells me that it only took him one week to grow the mess of a beard he is shamelessly walking around town with. High-five? Just because you can grow one doesn’t mean you should go out looking like Chewbacca. I wish men would obsess over being well-groomed instead of growing a large patch of hair above their lip.

Anal Sex: Let’s cut the crap, here. Seriously. Because the minute you get pooped on, you’re not going to obsess over spelunking in that region ever again.  Why put yourself through that? The fantasy is better than the reality, so can we just leave it at that?

Lesbians: They aren’t interested in you. You will never be invited to join in a threesome. And unless you secretly have a vagina, you don’t stand a chance.

One too many.

And that is why we’re going to help you girls out. Men are very simple creatures, so simple in fact, that they can be neatly organized into a Venn diagram with pretty colors like the ones we used to color in elementary school.

This little ditty sums up the male gender in very simple terms, making it effortless for us girls to identify what sort of person our new prospect actually is, without the wasted month of dating to find out.

And it’s 100% accurate.

If your guy is hot (mmmm!) and he’s nice, he’s dumb. The end.
If he’s nice and knows all the answers in history class? He’s a nerd.
And if he’s answering all those questions while tossing back that gorgeous hair and flexing his muscles, he’s an ass.

Of course there are varying degrees of the above types. Your gorgeous, nice boy may be able to form coherent sentences, but after three weeks of him dying all his whites pink (“Why can’t I just throw in my red boxers?”), the diagram has proved correct.

It might seem too easy. It may seem too shallow. But it also seems eerily true. Thinking back on every guy I’ve ever dated, I can’t seem to find any exceptions to the rules.

Basically, the perfect guy is gay.
End of Story.

What do you guys think? Do these rules ring true in your own dating-and-dumping cycle? Or have you found the exception to the rule? (Yes, this is totally a He’s Just Not That Into You reference)

"Here's the thing about us women..."

There are so many things I’ve wanted to say to guys over the years.

Things that would no doubt make my life (and the life of the girl who came along after me) so much easier…and pleasure-filled. Or things that I never got the chance to say because the boy decided to break up with me via email instead of growing some balls and saying it to my face and I didn’t want to look like the crazy bitch who can’t handle a break up and then sends back an angry email talking about how bad he was in bed and how he’s clearly over-compensating in his life for his lack of package.

Sorry. Little bit angry right now.

The point is, if I’ve learned anything from all my he said/she said-ing, it’s that communication is key when it comes to the relationship between men and women. They can’t read our minds and we can’t read theirs.  So I started thinking about all the things I’ve wanted to say to boys over the years – everything they need to know when it comes to us ladies – and I asked my guy to do the same.

Hopefully this will clear things up for all of us and we can all live happily ever after.
Now where’s my Nobel Prize?

I think we can all agree that physical attraction is important in a relationship. You don’t get all hot and bothered over just anyone, right? But there seems to be a bit of disagreement about what makes someone physically attractive, especially between men and women. You know as well as I do that personality can totally make a guy more attractive, but it doesn’t seem to be the same story for them.

How many times have you seen a total hottie dating some ugly dud? Now think of all the times that has been reversed. Can’t think of any? That’s because it doesn’t happen. Or at least not often.

And that pisses me off. How is it fair that a Jonah Hill can nab a Scarlett Johansson (theoretically, of course), but I can’t get a David Beckham to look my way? WTF? Do guys even realize how ridiculous that is? I tried to find out. Shockingly, even dudes can’t rationalize it.

“Researchers used brain scans to show that when straight men looked at pictures of women in bikinis, areas of the brain that normally light up in anticipation of using tools, like spanners and screwdrivers, were activated.”

Ah! According to Men’s brains, woman = screwdriver. They think of us on the same level as a hammer or a wrench. Great, right? But wait; it get’s so much better!

“Scans of some of the men found that a part of the brain associated with empathy for other peoples’ emotions and wishes shut down after looking at the pictures.”

So here’s how it works: Man sees woman in bikini. Man thinks “Mmmm….tooools.” The human part of Man’s brain literally shuts off. Yay!

Thus women understand 85% of their interactions with heterosexual males. But wait…it actually gets EVEN BETTER.

“In the study, Fiske’s team put straight men into an MRI brain scanner and showed them images of either clothed men and women, or more scantily clad men and women. When they took a memory test afterwards, the men best remembered images of bikini-clad women whose heads had been digitally removed.”

Now women, we have a new strategy. How many times have you thought, “why didn’t he call?” The answer is he can’t remember you because you have a face. If you want a guy to call you, you simply have to follow 2 easy steps.

1. Wear a bikini

2. Wear a ski mask

3. (Optional) Carry a power drill and/or tool belt

Now if you follow these steps you are on your way to snagging a man. Just remember once you have him, try not to have feelings or desires….or a face. This will only confuse him.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month, Cosmo published a wonderful/accidentally hilarious article titled “Fascinating Facts About Men.” Naturally intrigued by the offer of any additional knowledge to help me decipher what the hell goes through my boyfriend’s mind, I delved into the article. The facts, if not all that surprising, did explain some of the reasons WHY men do such inexplicable things occasionally. Far more interesting, however, were Cosmo’s interpretations and addendums to the facts. I took it upon myself to conduct my own “scientific” (read: slightly drunk with several girlfriends) analysis.

1. “Men with elevated levels of testosterone may have trouble commiting, because it suppresses vasopressin and oxytocin, chemicals that encourage bonding.”

Cosmo says: “Signs a dude has a high dosage of it: strong brow, defined cheekbones, thin lips, pronounced jawline, broad shoulders, muscular body, large penis, ring finger longer than his index finger.”

Kari says: Cosmo just described Robert Pattinson, as far as I’m concerned (not that I can confirm the part about his schlong). So, yeah, I’d have trouble committing too if hundreds, quite possibly thousands, of women would literally do anything to screw me. I also enjoyed the sculpted physique and stunning profile of the little cartoon man that Cosmo supplied, perhaps a little too much. Thus reinforcing my theory about it not being the testosterone itself that makes a playa, but the hot face and rockin’ bod it creates.

2. “Levels of the hormone oxytocin in a guy’s body skyrocket by 500 percent post- O, which deepens trust and makes him feel connected to his partner.”

Cosmo says: Capitalize on this biological reaction and boost his oxytocin by stimulating his nipples, giving him a massage and hugging him.

Kari says: When I’m trying to get my man to trust me ( to trust me that my opinion is the right one, or to trust me that yes, he does indeed want to buy me a present) it’s all about the subtlety. The boy can spot me trying to butter him up from a mile away. So rubbing his nipples spontaneously conjures images of hypnosis (“Look deeply into my eyes and focus on the circles being drawn around your areolae.) A massage would definitely cause immediate suspicion (he’s a skeptical guy). I guess the hugging thing would work, if I could just reach my hand far enough to grab his wallet out of his back pocket…

3. “When a guy is into you, he will subconsciously try to maximize the amount of space he takes up to assert his status and power.”

Cosmo says: “Look out for these clues: spreading his legs wide when seated. Stretching his arms out across the back of the chair. Hooking his fingers in his belt loops, elbows out.

Kari says: Bachelor number one better scooch on down the couch for me, because refining a lady friend to the corner of the cushion is most certainly not gonna win her over. Bachelor number two, I hope for your sake and hers that you have some high powered deodorant/antiperspirant combo. That much armpit exposure is embarrassment waiting to happen. And bachelor number three is clearly in need of a belt; that or he is a cattle rancher, according to the illustration Cosmo has provided.

4. “Certain types of strokes and caresses can actually make a guy fall harder for you.”

Cosmo says: Touch his hand while you laugh, rub the back of his neck while he drives, wrap your arm around his waist as you walk, tilt your head to rest it on his shoulder at a party.

Kari says: Those are not the certain types of strokes and caresses I had in mind. In fact, there’s only one that any girl really needs. I’m frankly surprised that you didn’t think of this as well, Cosmo.

5. “Researchers have discovered key differences in the way males and females digest info.”

Cosmo says: “Guys have trouble processing body language and words at the same time—the get all knotted up in their minds,” and “If you want your guy to remember something, tell him only the essentials, free of extraneous details.” For example: “Dog. Vet. 3:00.”

Kari says: Contrary to popular (or at least Cosmo’s) belief, not all men are incompetent morons. They can, in fact, both watch you talk and listen to you talk simultaneously (unless you’re naked). Additionally, if I told my boyfriend “Dog. Vet. 3:00,” he would more than likely miss the appointment as he struggled long past 3 to figure out what the hell I meant.

These are only some of the juicy facts that I found myself lol-ing at or arguing pointedly against with my girlfriends. For the full list, check out the January issue and let me know if you read anything that you just must beg to differ with!

[Photo courtesy of Just Jared]