Initially I thought this was a great idea.  Eliminating all those random welcome week acquaintances and sophomore year World Civ group project people would be pretty great.  I mean, seriously, who are these people anyway?  Do I care that your sister just had a baby?  Do I want to know what movie you watched last night with your mom?  Should you be posting pictures of your new tramp stamp?  Hell no.

But upon thinking some more, hitting that “unfriend” button could induce a sort of high.  It would start with people you’ve never heard of, increase to the ones you shared a few classes with, and end when you’ve cut all online ties to ex-boyfriends and old hook-ups.  Holy batman, you can’t stalk them anymore!  You can’t see if their new girlfriend is prettier than you!  You can’t know if they’re posting mysterious song lyrics that may or may not point to the beautiful moment you shared in the back of the bar last Thursday night when his hand was up your shirt!  What have you done!?

While I don’t think you should skip this new holiday altogether, I encourage you to observe it with a modicum of restrain.  Here’s a cheat sheet on who to delete now and who to keep around for a little longer:

The Frenemy

You met her freshman year and from her always-sleek hair to her perfectly polished nails, you knew you hated her.  Then you found out you two shared a major and the dream of becoming a star news anchor.  And you reeeeally hated her.  Then she stole the guy you were crushing on and you simply wanted to gouge her sultry eyes out with a melon-baller.

It might be an easy call to delete her designer denim-clad ass, but you might want to think again.  Whose status updates will motivate you to be better than this bitch?  Certainly not your mom with her daily inspirational quotes.  Gandhi didn’t know jack about revenge, and you’re in it to win.

The Deadbeat

On the flip side of the frenemy coin you find the deadbeat.  He was popular in high school, but now he’s driving around with a Domino’s delivery sign on top of his car.  His tagged photos are mostly comprised of him taking bong hits and throwing his arms around the occasional cute girl.  “Unremarkable,” you may think to yourself.  But reconsider putting an end to this friendship.

When you’re sitting in sweatpants working your way through Glee DVDs and the Frenemy is out mingling with Jay-Z, you might want this guy around to lift your spirits.  Because hey, it could always be worse.

The Ex(es)

We’ve all got them, those pesky exes, and if you haven’t done so already: DO NOT DELETE HIM.  I know it’s tempting, but don’t do it.  I promise you’ll regret it the next time you hear a rumor about a new girl he’s dating or see him at the bar mingling with a cute blonde.  Who is that slut!?  Well, you’ll never know if you can’t look him up on Facebook.  Simple as that.

The Funny Stranger

You have no idea who this person is.  None.  But they post amazing YouTube links and have the funniest status updates around.  Plus, sometimes you steal their lines to use when you want to get an easy laugh out of your friends.

The Celebuspawn

True story: I was Facebook friends with Kevin Costner’s super attractive son for a few months…until I wasn’t.  It must have been a technology glitch; no way the kid deleted me.  But the spring of 2008 was the peak of my online life.  I got to look in on the lifestyles of the rich and famous, enjoyed the Costner family’s private vacation photos, pretended like I was his father’s publicist’s sister’s daughter…

So if you’ve got a famous Facebook friend and you’re feeling guilty for duping them into thinking they know you, just get over it.  The benefits far outweigh the creepy costs.

The Oversharer

They’ve got their Twitter account tied into Facebook, so that means status updates every five freakin’ minutes.  And this comes on top of their way too personal collection of pictures (you posted the sonogram of your baby, really?) and extra-detailed list of interests, hobbies, and musical tastes.  Like you care.

But secretly, you do.  A little.  When you can’t sleep at 2a.m., you can always count on this person to be good for some instant entertainment.  Why give the axe to an irreplaceable service like that?

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of getting the pity-eyes as you sift through the Self-Help section at your campus bookstore? Over wondering what those boys are thinking?  We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question (What do guys think of implants?) over to askthedude@collegecandy.com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time.  So bring it on, ladies.]

Dear Dude,
My boyfriend and I recently broke up. I told him we could still be friends and everything wouldn’t be awkward. Then I find out a couple days later he deleted me as a friend on Facebook. What confuses me is that he is not the first ex to delete me. In fact my other last 2 exes have deleted me as a friend on Facebook as well.

Dude, I know there can be a millions different reasons why they would, but I think it’s strange when I said I want to be friends. Why would they do that?

Sincerely,
Girls Just Wanna be Friends

Dear GJWF,

A relationship consists of two people that cultivate a bond of trust, friendship, and vulnerability between each other. You grow together (or apart), you make room for that other person as a new constant in your daily life (even long distance where it arguably takes more effort), and gradually your inner lives are shared, until “I” becomes “We”. When that delicate and deeply emotional/psychological/physical/sexual/economical/sociological bond is broken then it’s often advisable for one or both people involved break from each other.

It’s wonderful that you want to remain friends. Often times, that’s a sign of wanting to retain some semblance of value to the relationship you had, a way of preserving what it meant to you, if you will, rather than erasing it from your memory. But you have to understand that what you want and what the other person needs may be different. While you might want to remain close, the young man may not be emotionally capable or willing. And you have to give him that space. Here, let me simplify my answer a little. Let’s see, how else can I-oh, yes, think of it like this: IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU SO WHO CARES WHAT YOU WANT!!!!!

Let the boy go. If he wants to be friends, he’ll call you. But guess what? He ain’t your man and you ain’t his woman. Once you set him free then what he does, or you do, is none of the other person’s business. You reached out and said “let’s be friends.” Great. Sounds like a pretty mature thing to do (unless you’re being selfish and want him around for your whimsy) but what he decides to do with your offering is not up to you.

If he doesn’t want to be your friend on Facebook, MySpace, stops following you on Twitter, and crosses the street when he sees you then you’ve got to accept those actions. Because they’re not yours, they’re his. If he ignores you then you probably don’t want to be friends with him. Onward and upward!

There are a ton of reasons why guys get rid of any traces of the women they break up with or are broken up by. Maybe he hates your guts and thinks you’re the devil (like Sarah Marshall) or maybe he’s scared he won’t be able to let go if you’re still in his life (aka Tom Hansen from 500 Days of Summer), or maybe he’s a narcissist and once you’re out of his orbit, you might as well not exist (does he live in Manhattan? Because that would be my guess then). Bottom line: the reason is his, not yours. What you had is past tense, so you focus on your present and leave him be to focus on his. You can always be civil when you see him in person. You made the offer to be friends, now leave the ball in his court.

When you feel broken then you need time to heal and rebuild your inners. What that means is making sure you don’t set yourself up to keep reopening the wound. The best medicine is often distance and time. If he doesn’t call, doesn’t e-mail, text, tweet, send you a birthday card, come to your next party, then here’s what you should do: nothing. Leave. Him. Alone. Because odds are he needs to protect himself from you. You may not like it, it may sound immature to you, his actions might be hurtful and seem disrespectful to what you two shared, but they’re his decisions to make. You take care of yourself and do what’s best for you. He’ll deal with himself, you just deal with yourself. And hopefully you’ll both live happily ever after.

Excelsior!

The Dude

Jelly shoes are one thing, but jelly BOOTS?!

Brody Jenner and Kristin just don’t do it.

Are Brad and Angie gonna tie the knot?

What can hipsters wear in the summer?

Why you should stay Facebook friends with your ex.

Wonder Woman gets a MAJOR makeover.

To make matters worse, other finalists for the word of the year included: sexting, intexticated, tramp stamp and deleb. For those not as in the loop as the New Oxford word of the year panel, deleb is defined as a dead celebrity. I, for one, have never heard the word ‘deleb’ used in everyday conversation, but what do I know? I’m still over here thinking the correct term was to ‘defriend.’ Embarrassing.

While these words are culturally clever and all, I can guarantee word-enthusiasts all over the world are groaning right now. I’m just wondering how long it takes before ‘WTF,’ ‘LOL’ and ‘UR2GR82B4GOT10’ get their moment of glory. Also wondering how long it will take my spell check to realize ‘unfriend’ is legit now. Seriously, what is this proto-language and where do we come up with it?

I am going to have a sit down with my Facebook friends list and carefully consider who belongs there, who does not, and which family members need to be moved to the “Limited Profile” list. Yes, de-friending is a vicious process, but it has to be done in order to make way for new and more important friendships. Read: the people with the most exciting photos to stalk.

Anyway, as I sit here cutting out some of my 423 friends, these are a few of the people whom I’ve made dust in my virtual wind.

The Friend Who Desperately Wants You To Join YoVille
Facebook applications can be great. Who doesn’t enjoy a game of Scrabulous? But being bombarded with requests to join your farm or garden or pirate ship isn’t helping out your chances of remaining friends with me come clean-up time. Bye-bye application-addict. We’re ignoring you once and for all.

The Constant Status-Updater
I do not care what your plans for the day are.  Or what emo song lyics are accurately emoting your feelings at the moment. Or what color your poop is… no matter how odd it may be. If you are cluttering up my newsfeed with mindless chatter, you will surely be de-friended. But before we part ways, I want you to seriously consider getting a Twitter. There, and only there, will you be appreciated.

The Strange Man from a Foreign Land
I’m not sure why I ever accepted you to begin with.  We have no mutual friends and your profile isn’t even written in English. And is that a fanny pack in your photo? If you ever make a trip to NYC, let me know.  Until then, adios amigo.

The Couple That Can’t Decide if They Want to be Together or Not
They’re together. They’re broken up. It’s complicated. She’s single. He’s not. They’re engaged. Where does it end?! Maybe if you get off Facebook for a second you’ll be able to figure out your relationship. But my newsfeed does not need to be the first person on the scene at your breakup. Send me an invite to the wedding, snail-mail style, because you’ve been de-friended.

A good Facebook de-friending spree can be a cathartic experience. But don’t go too remove-happy.  There are risks involved. I once de-friended a guy that was in my freshman year history class because I thought he was lame and didn’t need him cluttering up my friends list. Now he is dating my best friend and refusing to accept my apologetic re-friend request.

Oh how the tables have turned.

Do you do a yearly clean-up? Who do you un-friend?