Hey girl, how’s it going? Haven’t seen you in a while. I know we’ve both started the whole “we’re too old to be dancing on tables and taking body shots” thing, but I was thinking about the good ol’ days and was hoping you’d reminisce with me.

Although I could never quite match your ways, i.e. your “dresses” that I was sure were actually shirts, those occasional crotchless pants, and that see-through tube top I never wanted to borrow, it was still fun to pretend I was on your level.

And as much as I enjoyed walking slightly behind you when entering a party, because “people were more interested in seeing you first,” I can’t say I’m terribly sad about that part of my life being over. Don’t get me wrong, I always thoroughly enjoyed defending you after you felt up someone’s boyfriend. But I gotta say, not having to drag you away from yet another fight has been really great.

I know this might be kind of awkward for you, after all you never fully embraced your title as being “the slutty friend,” but I wasn’t sure how else to reach out, you know just to make sure things were going okay. I also just wanted to quickly address a few things. Call me passive aggressive if you must, but your cell phone has been shut off and you haven’t been on Facebook in weeks.

Okay, so just to quickly clear the air, I was a tad jealous of you freshman year. However, I was not in love with you, as you so kindly suggested. And although it was nice of you to then point me to LGBTA group, I wasn’t really interested in coming out of a closet I wasn’t in. But, I wanted to thank you for introducing me into some great people, even if it did take half a year to convince them I really am straight.

I get it. College was new for you. You weren’t used to having all of this freedom and were ready to let loose. But please, take it from one of your ex-friends, do not take it out on your true friends. The ones who were there for you, even when you treated them like stepping stones. I do hope you are doing well,  enjoying life after college. And, I hope the next time you go to slap the bag that you think (just for one second) about the fun times we had.

No, not the guy on the side of my actual relationship — I don’t have a real boyfriend either. I had boy reserved for cold New York nights when I felt particularly needy for human affection. Hey, no one is immune and dating is difficult. Any single girl in the city who refuses to date “just anyone” for the sake of having a boyfriend will say the same. Which is why I have a backup boyfriend, someone who can play the role when you need a night of pretending. I’ll call him Smith.

Smith is a few years older than me, incredibly intelligent, beautiful and in a band. You’re thinking, “Why the hell isn’t he your actual boyfriend?” Well, I have a long (and rather entertaining) history of dealing with men like Smith. They weren’t all assholes. Just most of them. Smith isn’t an asshole, though. He’s incredibly affectionate, mature and most importantly honest. And the sex? He’s a passionate (albeit slightly melodramatic) artist, so it was theatrical, violent and absolutely mind blowing. His flaw? Smith is first and foremost in love with himself.

He once asked me, “What if we tried this? Tried actually trusting each other. It could be great.” To which I responded, “Unfortunately, Smith, you will never make me feel like I’m the only girl in the room. And I don’t think you have the capacity to love anyone as much as you love yourself.” “Well, should I love you more?” You get the idea. He’s the perfect Mr. Right Now. Or he was. Until he dumped me.

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Men are tricky creatures. As much as we may wish we could read their minds, it just isn’t possible (yet… come on, science!). But don’t worry, I have discovered a trick to help us understand them a little more.

We all know guys that have picked up Cosmo from time-to-time (or have a monthly subscription) to help them figure out what their women are thinking. Hell, I bet a bunch of guys are reading CollegeCandy right now to try and figure something out about their girlfriends. Well ladies, we can do the same thing! Taking a peek at the kind of dating and relationship advice guys are being fed is a great way to get into the mind of a dude and see why he acts the way he does. Every Wednesday I’ll be doing just that. Hopefully, this will explain a few things…

This Week’s Article: “Open Up to Her?” from askmen.com.

A reader writes to Doc Love (really? Doc Love?) because he has been having problems with the woman he has been dating for 21 months. He writes: “Caprice is now saying she doesn’t know if we’re compatible. She still says she loves me and is still touchy with me (so I don’t think it’s just Womanese). One of her specific complaints is that I don’t communicate, and that she doesn’t really know me. In your book you say not to talk too much about yourself and only tell her things that will raise her Interest Level. I shut my mouth and make sure I listen, but if she asks what I think about something and I think my answer will lower Interest Level, I don’t say anything. Should I open up more?”

Doc Love’s first move is to remind the writer that he is always right. He says: “”The System” works all the time on everything. If you missed something in the Dating Dictionary or misinterpreted my techniques, then it’s not a problem with my book; it’s a problem with you. So please don’t say it only works ‘up to a point.’” Wow, way to hit that cocky ball out of the park, Doc Love. You really think you have all the dating answers? There isn’t one single situation in the whole world that the Doc Love “system” might not work for?

I’m really hating this guy already. Read More »

I don’t mean to be a Single Sally Always A Bridesmaid Never A Bride Party Pooper here or anything, but I’ve got to vent.

For as much as I want to see my friends happy and support them when they are in love, I have to admit, there are a couple things about most relationships that really gross me out. Namely? Co-dependency.

It doesn’t take long and I’m sure you have seen it. Your friend starts dating someone new. Soon, that person is all they talk about anymore. They can come out and hang, but only if they bring this new person with them. That wouldn’t be a problem EXCEPT they don’t act exactly naturally around that person. You start to feel alienated and so you try to invite your friend out for some one on one time. Canceled plans start becoming more frequent than they ever were before the ‘significant’ other came into play and you feel guilty for even thinking it…but who the f*ck does your friend think you are?

A freelance for hire friend, perhaps? A…”he’s busy tonight and I’m bored so lets hang out” friend? A…”he really ticked me off and I want to vent” friend?

This isn’t just one of my friends. It’s MANY of my friends all through my history. I suppose an argument could be that I need to come to terms with relationships, but you know what? When I have a boyfriend, I don’t blow my friends off for him! Plans are plans are plans. I keep my word and I expect my friends to as well. I love the fact that the people I care about know that my shoulder is here for them to cry on, but I can’t lie, sometimes I feel a little more than frustrated with those friends who are so easily swayed to the nesting grounds.

They used to love partying until HE said it was ‘slutty’ or made some comment of the sort. Read More »