Life doesn’t come equipped with an orchestra. If your sexcapades, like your iTunes, are on shuffle, here are a few songs you probably don’t want on your playlist.

1. “Dat Baby”–Shawty Putt feat. Lil Jon

With a chorus of “Dat baby don’t look like me,” and an opening line, “Dat baby ain’t mine… I’m sorry, bitch you heard Maury,” this jam is an instant libido-killer. The last thing a guy wants to hear as he’s sliding into home base is “You are NOT the father!” Sure, you’re using protection, but condoms aren’t 100% effective…paternity tests, on the other hand, don’t lie. Besides, no woman wants to find out that her cute college hookup won’t take responsibility if an accident does happen.

2. “You’re Pretty When I’m Drunk”– Bloodhound Gang

You can kick yourself in the morning when you sober up and realize that the guy you brought home from the bar last night looks nothing like David Beckham (actually, he more closely resembles Danny DeVito), so you don’t need Jimmy Pop saying “I told you so.” Besides, lines like “I’m hungry like the wolf, but I’ll end up taming cattle,” and “it wouldn’t be the first time that I gave a dog a bone,” though satirical, are pretty harsh. As liberated, self-respecting women, we know we’re pretty when he’s sober, too, inside and out.

3. “John Wayne Gacy, Jr.”– Sufjan Stevens

If you didn’t know that this song is about the infamous serial killer, you might think the gentle ballad sets the mood. However, if your ears perk up at the lines, “And in my best behavior, I am really just like him/ Look underneath the floor boards for the secrets I have hid,” you’ll probably get creeped out, and ask yourself how well you really know the guy who’s jamming his tongue down your throat.

4. “UR So Gay”– Katy Perry

Straight guys will go flacid as soon as Ms. Perry belts her titular accusation in the chorus. They won’t even listen to the following line, “you don’t even like boys.” Homophobic or not, men don’t like to have their sexualities questioned. Besides, the whole song is an angry letter to a shallow metrosexual. You would never want your lover to “hang [himself] with an H & M scarf,” now, would you?

5. “MmmBop”– Hanson

This song will actually probably cause many social situations to take a turn down Embarrassment Alley. If you’re a closet Hanson fan, that’s fine. But your guy might not appreciate your “special” quirks.

Any I missed?

Maybe it was Hot Topic’s fault. Or better yet, maybe it was TV’s fault. Either way, something turned a huge part of our heterosexual male population GAY over the last five years or so…and they all turned gay without even being homosexual. It’s a tragedy, really, and these way too femme boys who supposedly still like girls have even made my own love life tragically hellish.

Katy Perry’s hit single “Ur So Gay” couldn’t have come at a better time. Well, wait… I’d actually say it’s a bit overdue. I could have really used it to get myself through my last break up with a boy who told me that he had shaved his arms so that they’d ‘feel nice’ for me…

ANYWAY, It didn’t take me long to become a fan of this girl. Does Madonna love her? Sure she does. Does Myspace love her? Duh. But that’s not why I like her. I like her because she’s openly quirky. She’s intelligent AND fun and YES, that combination certainly does exist in female society and I’m proud to finally be able to add yet another awesome artist to the soundtrack of my life.

Katy isn’t just all fun and intellectual games, though. She is a real musician equipped with a guitar. She’s not a novelty act. Yes, her hit single is hilarious and awesome, but just go check her out live and you’ll see the difference. She’s mesmerizing. A bona fide performer, comedian, and gifted songstress. If you missed her on the tour she’s on now…don’t worry. She’ll be giving us all a reason to actually buy a ticket to the Vans Warped Tour this summer.

Ironically, the girl who is calling out all gay but not gay boys will be on a tour with lots of gay but not gay boys. I really hope they all come out of Warped tour with some sense knocked into them…

[Perry's album, One of the Boys, comes out June 17th]

There is a lotta big gay buzz about 22 year-old, Los Angeles, singer-songwriter Katy Perry and her non-pc, albeit fantasitcally brilliant new single ‘Ur So Gay’. The song is a beautiful “kiss-off” to an ex-hipster-BF… you know the type, too cool for school and way self-absorbed… not really gay… but ridiculously f-ing GAY.

With lyrics like “I hope you hang yourself with your H & M scarf, while j*cking off listening to Mozart,” it’s doubtful you will be hearing this track on the public radio waves anytime soon. Luckily for us, ‘Ur So Gay’ is streaming on Katy’s Myspace page. You really owe it to yourself to check it out.