Dear Tuffy Luv,

So to start, this is humiliating, but last Friday night I peed my bed. I’m a 24-year-old grad student and live in the dorms at my school. I have no idea what happened, and this was a completely random event. Anyways, my roommate found out (it was pretty easy, she was awake when I woke up soaked…), which was even more embarrassing. I got up, took my wet pajamas off and went to take a shower. When I got back to the room, I stripped my sheets and took everything to wash. When I got back, I sprayed my mattress with Lysol…I think I handled the situation very responsibly.

But Monday, I got an email from my RA, requesting a meeting with me, my roommate, and her boss, who runs the whole dorm. Come to find out, my roommate had taken pictures of my wet bed and clothes. In the meeting, they expressed their concern that a girl my age was “still wetting the bed,” which is apparently how my roommate explained the situation. My RA’s boss said I had to pay for a new mattress and am required to have a waterproof mattress cover on the new one. Having the mattress cover isn’t a big deal, but paying for the new mattress caused my account to be billed and now my parents are aware of the incident. My roommate also told EVERYBODY in our hall about my accident, a rumor that has circulated to many more people on campus and made me the target of many snide remarks. Up until now, we had a great relationship. But I have no idea what to do! This has been the most humiliating few days of my life. I really don’t want to live with her anymore-should I request a room transfer or what? I cannot believe this has become such a big deal!

If you could offer advice, I’d really appreciate it,
Thank you,
BW

Dear BW,

Oh, man. That sucks.

Well, these things happen, no? Once in a while, some horribly embarrassing incident occurs, and, happily, you really did deal with it well. As you say, you were responsible, and you were also considerate.

Unfortunately, we can’t say these things about your roommate.

Okay, first let’s get this part out of the way: health stuff, yes? I’m glad to hear this is the first time it happened. Probably it was just a total fluke. (Were you drinking? That’ll do it.) But if it happens again, you should go get it checked out by a doctor. There are, Tuffy just learned, a number of things that can cause a person to wet their bed even when they’re otherwise healthy. So, seriously, if you find yourself in the same situation again, get thee to the college clinic.

In the meantime, your roommate is a total bootch and you should definitely move out.

There is no way to salvage your relationship with this girl. Instead of asking if you were okay, she went behind your back and told everyone a very embarrassing and personal thing. Karma will get her; you just get out. Don’t just request a room transfer. Transfer out of the building. There is really no way for you to recover from this. Something crappy happened to you, and then your roommate made it crappier. I’m not telling you to run away from it, but I am telling you to GET away from it. Cut your losses and move and then never speak of it again.

As for the haters who bring it up, I’d just put on a sad face and say, “Oh man, I was really sick that night” and refuse to give any other details. Hopefully they’ll feel messed up for bringing it up (which they are) and, either way, you know not to deal with said individuals again.

And your roommate? Eff her in the ear. Don’t speak another word to her. Ever.

Sorry, man. Feel good.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

Like a little pain? Get more Tough Love right here.

For a long while (ahem, code for way too long) I dated a guy a little younger than me.  And by dated, I mean every Friday night, we would get together after an intense evening partying and make out like wild animals.

We were pretty serious about our business.  We would run off from parties, and cozy up in his car.  We would sneak into my apartment when the roommates weren’t home and make out on my dirty, toothpaste stained sink.  We would frolic through the side streets from parties, making out like bunny rabbits. We would rush up to the bathroom of any party and eat each others faces off. Anywhere we could go in “private,” we would go.

One morning, after a particularly awesome night with my fave younger man, I woke up pretty early to go to the bathroom.  My make out king was sleeping soundly, so I tried not to wake him as I crawled to my demise.  In the bathroom (which conjoined the only two bedrooms in our suite that we all shared), I was welcomed by a bodily fluid surprise.  The entire bathroom was completely painted in urine.   The walls, the ocean scene shower curtain, the toilet seat, the ceiling, the door, the towels, the everything. Covered in urine.

My eyes bugged out, and I stood frozen.  A girl absolutely could not make this happen with the constraint of having a va-jay-jay.  This was a complete man-made mess.  My angry roommate showed up on the other side of the bathroom and gave me a look I would imagine getting before my head was cut off.  Kevin showed up behind me and looked around the bathroom in embarrassment.  I looked up at him slowly and was face-to face with two hickeys the size of Texas.

My roommate snorted from the other end,

“You might want to get some concealer for those marks on your neck…oh and have fun cleaning this up.” Needless to say the romance fizzled after we spent 6 hours bleaching away the smell the his piss.

[You think that's bad? Check out our other cringe-worthy Morning After stories.]

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over to us to put in next week’s post.

(Guy, two girls, at dining hall breakfast.)

Guy: You girls don’t need your buns toasted, do you?

Girl 1: Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

Girl 2: Heh heh. No.

Guy: I was talking about the hot dog buns.

(Girl, on the phone, on a campus thoroughfare.)

Girl: I wish you didn’t have a penis!

(Beat)

Girl: Well, then I wish you would stop jerking off in the shower!

(Girl, talking to other girl, outside classrooms.)

Girl: He’s my boyfriend. So cute!

Girl 2: He’s my boyfriend too. I just wanna eat him up, spit him back out and eat him up again.

(Girl, complaining to other girls about something.)

Girl: Are you kidding me? That bitch! I’m sick of her. That bitch, be like, ‘bitch! Your head’s gone!’

(Guy, girl, shopping in an electronics store.)

Guy: If there were a game I’d have sex with, it’d probably be this one.

Girl: That’s gross.

(Beat)

Girl: I guess I would too, though.

(Guy, before class.)

Guy: You know, I just love it. Ribbons of blood! It’s a beautiful thing.

(Two guys, at party.)

Guy 1: Who wants do a shot with me!

Guy 2: Of what?

Guy 1: Wait, let me read the bottle. It’s … my urine!

(Two guys, talking at a concert.)

Guy 1: I don’t really like Rihanna. I’ve always like Chris Brown better. I guess that’s pretty insensitive to say, though, huh.

Guy 2: I don’t think so. I think it’s only insensitive if he’s sitting in the car behind you.

(Girl, guy, walking around a Barnes and Noble.)

Guy: I don’t get what’s so special about Josh Groban.

Girl: *chuckle*

Guy: I mean, what?

Girl: Ask your parents. They can tell you when you’re older.

(Two guys, shopping for groceries.)

Guy 1: How’s your meat.

Guy 2: Pretty spongey.

(Two girls, talking at a party.)

Girl 1: He was kind of a third wheel, right?

Girl 2: Fifth wheel. Seventh wheel. That wheel that goes flying out of the car wreck on fire after everyone dies.

(Three guys, at the bar.)

Guy 1: You going to the show with us tonight?

Guy 2: Not sure. Dunno.

Guy 1: What, you wanna stay here? And let this loser get you sick?

Guy 3: Oh, he told you about that?

Guy 1: What?

Guy 3: I’m sick. I’m dying.

"Hm. That doesn't smell right..."

Got a health question? Don’t trust those “Doctors” at the University Health Center? Are you scared of Web M.D. because it always tells you you’re gonna die? Ask a real doctor, our friend Dr. Lissa Rankin. She’s here every Thursday to answer whatever you throw at her – like the ultimate cure for a hangover! – so ask away. Leave your question in the comments or send it over to us. Don’t be shy; she’s waiting for ya!

Q: After unprotected sex I noticed my urine becoming really smelly on a consistent basis, which is a new thing for me. There are no other symptoms-no burning or itching or anything, just the smelliness when I pee. Could this be an STD??

A: Usually, healthy urine has almost no odor (unless you’ve been feasting on asparagus or other foods or vitamins that are known offenders).  If you are dehydrated, your urine will be more concentrated and may have a stronger smell. Also, if bacteria have contaminated the normally sterile urinary system, which happens when you have a urinary tract infection, you may notice an odor.

Most of the time, when women approach me complaining of foul-smelling urine, they’re actually smelling their vagina. If you have a vaginal infection, such as bacterial vaginosis or trichomonas vaginalis, you may notice that your vaginal discharge, when it mixes with your urine, smells icky.

While it could be a sexually transmitted disease, such as trichomonas infection, which causes a vaginal infection characterized by a foul-smelling odor, most STD’s do not cause your urine to smell. Sex however, can trigger urinary tract infections, and infected urine may smell icky.

I would suggest a visit to the gynecologist. Make sure they check out your vagina, as well as your urine, to make sure there are no infections either place. And if you’ve had unprotected sex, go ahead and get tested for everything while you’re there. You can set a good example for your partner and feel more secure about next time.

–Dr. Lissa Rankin’s book, What’s Up Down There? Questions You’d Only Ask Your Gynecologist If She Was Your Best Friend, will be published by St. Martin’s Press in Fall 2010. She invites you to join her Pink online community (www.owningpink.com/forum) or read more of her writing at Owning Pink (www.owningpink.com).

Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!

(Guys, walking through a grove on-campus.)

Guy: Nice day… birds, blue skies, not a cloud in sight. Yup. This rock looks pretty good to take a crap on.

(Older student, talking to high schooler on campus tour.)

Student: There’s actually a statistic, I think, something like 30 percent of the liquid of water parks is urine.

High schooler: Yeah, that sounds pretty reasonable. That’s about right.

Student: What the f***? No it’s not! That would be disgusting!

(Guy, preparing Mexican food.)

Guy: I love cilantro. It makes everything taste like it’s just been rinsed in a mountain waterfall.

(Old lady, talking to students at the thrift store.)

Lady: That foot locker can be used as both storage and a coffee table!

Student: I’m sorry, but it’s hideous. We’re not buying it.

(Crowd of girls, playing Jeopardy.)

Girl: Wait. Chinese god of war… who was also a god of literature. That must be Gandhi, right?

Girl 2: Yeah, I think so.

(A guy, losing it on the phone.)

Guy: No, no. That’s too late. I need to get tested now.

(Guy, alone on a computer.)

Guy: Hey! You can’t say “boobs” on the Internet!

(Two guys, talking in the Student Union.)

Guy 1: So how was the camping trip?

Guy 2: It was fine. The deer stole all our graham crackers.

Guy 1: The cutest little larcenists!

(Girl, furious.)

Girl: Damnit! I have to Tide-to-Go my boob.

(Middle-aged man on the phone.)

Man: Fir trees are the only type of tree known to give live birth.

(Father and children, talking to a park ranger)

Father: It was like, you know, poop – kinda mushy, but with some green bits in it. Berries, maybe seeds.  Do you think it could have been bear poop?

Child: Dad, please, just show the ranger our permit.

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(At a Starbucks.)

Girl: So this is the only gin joint in town, huh?

Barista: No. This is a Starbucks.

(Two guys on move-out day, carrying cases of beer.)

Guy 1: Man, we’re gonna fill up an entire recycling bin.

RA, poking head out of room: Excuse me?

Guy 2: No, don’t worry, it’s okay. These are full of urine.

(Guy, in a bookstore cafe.)

Guy: Agh, this isn’t iced coffee. This is … nice coffee. And by that I mean not-nice coffee.

(In a sociology class.)

Professor: I know I say all these bad things about corporations, but I’m telling you – I’m not a Communist!

(Two guys, in front of a computer.)

Guy 1: So wait, who gets out alive?

Guy 2: Well, not No-Legs. He’s probably screwed.

(Girl, leaving a party.)

Girl: Picking people up should be an Olympic sport. I’d be the equivalent of, like, a 13-year old Chinese gymnast.

(Two guys, at the gym.)

Guy 1: Okay. What should I do now?

Guy 2: Well, that depends. Where don’t you hurt yet?

Guy 1: My penis. I’m kidding. Well, not really.

(Guys in the hallway, one with a grocery bag.)

Guy 1: They’re doing a food collection in the lobby.

Guy 2: Oh, cool. Do they take mold?

(Two girls in front of a mirror.)

Girl 1: My chin is huge.

Girl 2: No, that’s just a bad angle. Turn a bit. You don’t even notice it!

Girl 1: You’re looking at the back of my head.

(Girl, walking down the street.)

Girl: Any homeless people around? I got extra teeth in my head!

(Three guys at a dance.)

Guy 1: Yo, check out the guy in the khakis and New Balance. That’s rough.

Guy 2: Yeah. Like, I don’t want to watch, but I have to, you know?

Guy 3: Mm, yup. That’s my little brother for you.

(A woman sitting in the corner booth of a diner.)

Woman:  I came home, and someone replaced all the squirrels in my yard with chipmunks! Overnight! They’re way cuter, I guess, but maybe I should call somebody.

And it feels good goin’ down.

What if I told you there was an even more refreshing alternative? A drink that has the power to heal you and nourish your body. No, it’s not beer – that whole “hair of the dog that bit ya” theory is whack. It’s better than beer.

Though it may taste a bit like it.

It’s….cow urine.

Yes, it’s true. Look out Coke and Pepsi, Gau Jal, or cow water, is coming. The drink, which is made mostly of cow pee pee mixed with herbal supplements, is being touted as a healthy alternative to soft drinks. While it doesn’t sound very appealing (or hygienic), Gau Jal’s creator, Om Prakash, promises that ” it won’t smell like urine and will be tasty too.”

Now, I’ve never tried the stuff, but I have smelled it and I doubt I’ll be giving up my Diet Coke addiction for cans of pee anytime soon, but who knows? It could be the next great mixer. I mean, Red Bull takes like booty, but it’s damn good with a shot of Jaeger. Maybe all the cow pee really needs is a little Grey Goose.

A Golden Shower on the rocks? Sounds good to me.

And I needed to pee. (But of course I couldn’t).

Being with a bunch of guys, no one understood just what I was going through. In fact, they thought it was really hilarious. And wouldn’t let me get near the bathroom. But while they laughed, my body ached. So I slapped the guy nearest to the bathroom and shoved my way in. Yes, I hit him…and I do not regret it.

Urinary Tract Infections are one of the most painful things that you can experience. They burn. They ache. They make your pee smell foul. They make you feel like you have to urinate constantly, but when you try to go-you can’t!

And if all that isn’t bad enough, they could lead to septicemia, which is a nice way of saying you could lose your limbs. For real. Just ask Brazilian bombshell (and Miss World contestant) Mariana Bridi da Costa. She recently had her hands and feet amputated and it all stemmed from a terrible UTI.

So, yeah, they’re absolutely awful.

Luckily, my years of getting the infection have taught me how to avoid it. If you’re in the market to avoid UTIs (and, trust me you should be), take my advice and follow these tips:

-Have good hygiene. It may sound gross, but wipe yourself from front to back when you use the bathroom; wash the skin between the vagina and anus daily; and always pee and wash up after sexual intercourse. The bacteria from the anus is definitely a huge cause of UTIs, so making sure that stuff doesn’t get near your vajay will help out a great deal.

-Drink your fluids! Drinking lots of fluids, particularly water, will flush your system regularly and decrease your risk of UTI.

-Take your vitamins. Getting essential vitamins needs to happen if you’re going to avoid things like UTIs. Vitamin C, for instance, helps out a great deal.

Something you should know:

If you get a UTI, you need to take antibiotics to get rid of it. When I had a particularly severe UTI (which I mentioned above), I made the mistake of trying to take care of it myself. The infection ended up spreading to my kidney and almost to my blood within a week. I was carried into the E.R. due to pain so severe that I could not walk. The doctors told me I could have died from it had it spread to my blood.

Don’t take the risk. Make sure you take care of it the right way…with a doctor and not a few bottles of cranberry juice..

(Photo from: uab.edu)

Dear Tuffy Luv,

My brother Jeremy & I were bedwetters into our late teens. Jeremy until he was 17 & i until i was 18. Jeremy is 2 years younger than me. Our problem is that we wet (soak) the bed when we drink a little too much alcohol, beer in particular. I have wet in my pants on 2 or 3 occasions on the way home from the pub in addition to wetting the bed on those nights. Have you had any e-mails on this problem, or is there anyone out there that has the same problem that may have a solution to this problem? We do have our own apartment at school so we can have rubber sheets on the bed without anyone finding out about us wetting.

Dear Bedwetter,

Oh, honey. Oh. Honey.

Well, first of all, according to the Mayo Clinic, wetting the bed as an adult ain’t great. It’s called “secondary enuresis” and it could mean a whole slew of other possible problems. For inst, it could be diabetes, or bladder cancer, or a neurological problem, or any other number of big baddies.

In other words, get thee (and the Jerster) to a doctor!!! Immediately!!!

Or you could just be really, really screwed up. Tuffy don’t mean that in an insulting way. But if you had something really horrible happen to you (abuse, trauma, etc.), that could cause this little pooaboo too. If you think this might be why you’re having the problem, you should definitely seek psychological help immediately as well. This seems somewhat likely since you and Jer are both experiencing it.

Honey, and I’m gonna give you some tuf luv here–you don’t wanna be wetting the bed. If you wanna have any kind of a sex life, this is really gonna be a dealbreaker for you. Unless, of course, you want to attract creepy bed-wetting fetishists, in which case, yeah, go for it. You can tell them you and Jer are a two-for-one. Annnd I just threw up in my mouth.

Anyway, no matter the cause, it’s not normal (sorry) and you have to get it checked before something really f*cked up happens to you.

Hearts & Skulls,

Tuffy Luv

So can we blame her when her love for the bottle and her passion for high fashion collide….in the form of vomit splattered all over some super couture dresses…which she returned…without cleaning them?

Um. Ew.

And, yes. Yes we can.

I’ve been there. Too many times. Like the time my friend borrowed a pair of boots, got drunk and peed behind a dumpster…drowning my boots in urine. Or when I went to use my Chi and found chunks of vomit from a roommate’s particularly bad evening. (“Seriously, I couldn’t even get to the toilet. It was totally projectile!”) Or that time I loaned out my favorite t-shirt only to have it returned with some…er…male secretion splattered all over the front.

The point is this: we don’t care what you do in our clothes, just clean that sh*t up. Especially for Harvey Nichols.

Although, on the bright side, at least it was just vomit. Who knows what this girl is capable of?!