Maybe in an attempt to make up for all the cheating and divorcing that went on this past year, half of Hollywood seemed to get engaged over the holidays. I guess they really let the Christmas spirit get to them. Either way, congrats celebs. I only hope that at least one of these couples will still be around come 2012.

Poppin’ Champage, New Years Eve VIP Style

1. Natalie Portman is knocked up. And she’s getting married! Hey, at least they’re doing this the right way. Natalie got engaged to her choreographer from Black Swan, Benjamin Millepied, over the holidays. The announcement was a total surprise to everyone since we were too busy being psychologically warped by her movie to even care about her personal life.

2. Elton John became a happy daddy. Sir Elton John and his partner David Furnish are now proud daddies to a little baby boy. He was born from a surrogate mother on Christmas Day, and his name is Zachary Jackson Levon Furnish-John. Whew, that’s a long name – but at least it’s normal-ish. This is a super cute Christmas story, so congrats guys!

3. Reese Witherspoon is also engaged. To continue with this string of new engagements are Reese Witherspoon and Jim Toth, who recently confirmed that they’re getting married. I can’t help but be jealous of Reese’s romantic life, which includes Ryan Phillippe and Jake Gyllenhaal, but I don’t know about this guy… I mean, I guess he’s kind of hot. Either way, congratulations are in order.

4. 84-year-old Hugh Hefner gets engaged… to a 24-year-old. To which I can only say… ewwww. Hugh Hefner proposed to his girlfriend, Playboy Playmate Crystal Harris, over the holidays. Hugh tweeted the news, saying, “A truly memorable Christmas Eve.” Yeah I would say so. I vommed all over my grandmother when this news forced me to picture Hugh naked.

5. Kelly Osbourne went a little bit crazy. Back to the insane celeb stories we’re a little more used to. Kelly’s boyfriend Luke Worrall, who she’s been dating for the last two years, has apparently been cheating on her – something Kelly unfortunately found out about over the holidays. Aw, sucks girl. But Kelly obviously isn’t about to let him get away with it without trying to embarrass him a little – which is exactly why she let the world know how much of a dirtbag he is through Twitter. She tweeted, “All he did was use me. All girls, beware of @Luke_worral he is a using c*nt! He used me for my money a free ride.” Everyone’s talking about how insane Kelly is but, hey, can you really blame her?

NYE Spent At Home Watching The Ball Drop

1. Amber Portwood goes to jail. I know that as a gossip blogger, I’m supposed to care about these things… but I can honestly say that I really don’t care at all about MTV’s Teen Mom OR Amber Portwood. Unfortunately, I still have to read about her. And after all of the physical and emotional abuse she laid on her baby-daddy, she definitely deserves to go to jail – and definitely does NOT deserve to see her baby girl any more.

2. Rihanna and her BF Matt Kemp supposedly split. I guess love didn’t come to everyone during the holidays – Rihanna and her cute boyfriend Matt Kemp have allegedly broken up. According to Us Weekly, neither one of them are really that upset about the split. I really wonder who she’s gonna be with next…

3. Someone named Ke$ha the worst dressed of 2010. Okay, so this isn’t really news, but I just really wanted to add it because I completely agree with it. Ke$ha’s outfits are just not okay. Ever. And I know she’s trying to be as edgy and out-there as Lady Gaga and Nicki Minaj, but she’s just not. Celeb stylist Phillip Bloch tells her to call him, because “what you’re doing is just not working!” HA.

4. I know you didn’t think it could be possible, but even more celebs announced their engagement. Lily Allen and her boyfriend are going to get married, which is cute news…and then LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibriani also announced they’re getting married, which is just not as cute. And I say that because we all know that LeAnn totally stole Eddie right under his wife’s nose.

5. Someone wants to make a movie out of Lindsay Lohan’s life. I don’t know, this could be good, or it could be epically bad. You would think that Lindsay would be thrilled by any kind of publicity at this point, but no. Her and Dina are furious. Anyway, one screenwriter wants to take on the task of making a Lindsay Lohan biopic – and I have to say, I’d definitely buy tickets.

Who are the most stylish New Yorkers of 2010?

Um. This might be the best drunk food ever.

Snooki is dunzo with juiceheads.

Behold: the most effed up video game ever.

5 albums you should be listening to right now.

The Gap goes NSFW.

Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston, who shared news of their engagement yesterday, filmed a video for Us Weekly speaking about the exciting tidings. In the clip, Bristol remembers the day Levi, 20, proposed to her:

“I came home from work one day and there were tons of flowers all over my room. There were rose petals in the shape of a heart on my bed, with a box. He got down on one knee and asked me to marry him,” Palin, 19, says.

Plenty romantic, yes … but it also just felt right, she adds. “There was no hesitation at all.” Watch the interview right here! [Editor's Note: Warning: it's awkward city.]

You’d think MTV would give Kristin a little more time to pack up her things and get out of the house they rented for her, but no; they pushed her out on the last day of filming. Where will she go? I mean, I know Justin offered her to “check out my spot” (which, in my Justin Bobby dictionary, translates to “crash with me”), but I imagine that isn’t up to her lavish, beachfront living standards.

I don’t know about you, but I think there’s a reason The Hills has never shot at Justin Bobby’s house. I’m picturing a dark, musty basement studio with leather and hair product everywhere. And a shower that’s never been used.

But if Kristin didn’t go there, what other options does she have? She can’t go back to her dad/yoga-stepmom’s house in Laguna – MTV was clearly paying for that one, too. And they probably packed up their protein shakes months ago. The only other person she’s got to turn to is Stacie and I’m pretty sure she lives in the backroom of that nasty bar she used to work at.

I guess Kristin better hope and pray that the ratings of this show didn’t drop low enough to end it. Homegirl needs an MTV house or she’ll be shacking up at casa de Brody and Jayde.

Cuz you know those two are bunking up somewhere in L.A. I know MTV spent 6 whole minutes (which is like half of the show, really) making us all believe that Brody was finally done with her, but everyone with an US Weekly subscription (or a few minutes in the checkout lane at CVS) knows those two losers are still doin’ it. And that’s fine… if Jayde is a phenomenal actress and really isn’t as annoying in real life as she is on the show. Maybe she’s actually intelligent; she doesn’t drag out all her words and turn 1 syllable-words into 2 (“Whyyyyyya?”); that 99% of the conversations she has with Brody aren’t juvenile and full of fighting words (“I mean you were the one that was the jerk. I’ve forgiven you so you should be happy that I’m even talking to you about this right now.”).

Maybe she isn’t totally pathetic.

But she probably is. Much like her co-star Audrina. And, just so you know, I thought she was pathetic long before she wore that weird hat on that shopping trip with Lo. Audrina has always been a sad, pathetic little puppy and she took it even further last night when she went to visit Justin for “the last time.” Sure, she told Lo (and maybe even herself) that she just wanted to end things, but, really, weren’t things already ended? Putting on that hot outfit and meeting up at a romantic waterfront location made it obvious to anyone who’s ever sunk pretty low for a guy who treats them like crap (read: me) that she was hoping looking good/saying the right things would bring him back.

But her plan failed. They fought once again, Audrina’s perfect hair got ruined by the wind and Justin vroom-vroomed back into Kristin’s arms. He even let her wear his jacket! (Thank god he was wearing something underneath it this time.) As the sun was setting over Malibu, I imagine Justin Bobby was whispering nonsense/poetry into Kristin’s ear. How romantic…

And that was the end. Not sure what’s comin’ next, or if anything is coming next. We’ll just have to wait. In the meantime, though, we can catch up on our reading. I hear Speidi have a thrilling new book out.

Oh yeah. Speaking of which – Spencer wants to have a baby.
FML.

Anyone else forget that it was Monday yesterday? I spent my day BBQing with friends (or eating whatever they BBQed while I sat on the couch watching tv) only to come home, turn on my TV and realize I was halfway through The Hills. I was devastated (“SPENCER IS SUPPOSED TO APOLOGIZE TONIGHT!!”), but then I realized that MTV was showing the episode 12 more times over the course of the evening.

When I finally did get to watch it, though, I was a little disappointed. I’ve said this before, but I know this show isn’t really real. I think anyone with half a brain and access to Us Weekly would know that. But I hate when MTV is careless with their editing, making it completely impossible for viewers to suspend their common sense and believe that this all might be real.

Case in point: Heidi gets engaged one night and asks Steph (presumably the next day) to invite Lauren. At the same time, Audrina and Lo have already received actual invitations. One might say, “Well, Lauren, that could have been shot months later.” Well, other people, I call bullsh*t, because then they pan back to Heidi and Lauren both talking to Steph about losing her job like it was only yesterday. I don’t know much about weddings (beyond the fact that I probably won’t have one until I’m 40), but I do know that it takes months to plan one and invitations do not just come out the next day.

But whatever. That’s not the point of this post.

The point is that Heidi is trying way too hard. And I’m not talking about the collagen in her lips. She’s trying too hard to bring Lauren back into her life. What happened to playing hard to get, Heids? First she sent Stephanie in to get Lauren to the wedding and she said no. She sent in Stephanie again and Lauren said no. She went to Lauren’s work herself (because people can just pop into your job in LA and no one cares) and Lauren said no…. and also said a whole lot more in a beautiful speech about love and aspiring to be like Heidi. Now, I know this is a tangent, but does anyone remember Heidi from season 1 of The Hills? The girl couldn’t even make it to class and dropped out of school after a week – Lauren aspired to be like a waste of space?

But Heidi didn’t stop there. She then sends Spencer in to make his first apology in 24 years. (Homeboy never apologized to his parents for being born, or to his friend for letting him keep that awful ‘stash?!) And he did it! He called Lauren up and admitted to the sex tape scandal and apologized for being such a turd.

While all this work may actually get Lauren to the wedding (duh, she goes, just watch “scenes from the next episode”), my main issue is that it is not going to get Lauren to be BFF with Heidi again. And that is why Heidi is a moron. She is putting so much pressure on having this person at her wedding – a person who couldn’t care less about her and really wants nothing to do with her and her new husband. Heidi should just focus on her $18,000 wedding dress and how she’s going to work those extensions and stop putting so much focus on whether or not LC will be sitting in the pews on her wedding day.

Oh and Brody? Stop being such a d-bag. I know I’ve always loved you, but it’s a real dick move to let your GF talk all that sh*t about Audrina, and even talk some sh*t too, when you were in the wrong that night too. It’s easy to put all the blame on the other woman, but you messed up too so it’s time to own up and be a man. PS. Audrina is hotter than that mess you are with. That is all.

For times like those, magazines are the way to go (plus, who doesn’t like perfume samples and grocery coupons?). But you don’t want to waste your money on just any magazine; you want the one that will give you the most (gossip) bang for your buck.

So which ones are best? I scoured the grocery store check-out aisles for candy bars the top dogs in gossip magazines and here are my rankings:

People

This is definitely the cream of the crop, in terms of the amount of coverage, story quality, and reliability. It seems to actually like the people it talks about, showing amazing weight loss stories more than gains, and cute bikini pictures more than cellulite. Since it’s the most popular one and the most sympathetic towards its subjects, the stars are more willing to give interviews and send exclusive baby pictures that aren’t found elsewhere. The writers only print what they can back up with hard facts and legitimate sources, and always have a few pages of deeper articles, like “Real Heroes Among Us.” Sometimes, though, the articles are a bit too long for relaxed beach-reading material, and sometimes are a little depressing compared to the more fun and trashy mags.
Overall Score: 9

Us Weekly

If People is king, then Us Weekly is his lovely queen. I love the features like, “Stars- They’re Just Like Us!” or the snarky comments in the “Fashion Police.” Even though the articles are pretty shallow and not particularly well-written, they’re always fun and entertaining (meaning no deaths or disasters). And just like People, they’re pretty high in reliability and have the latest photos in the business.
Overall Score: 8

Star

This ugly duckling has transformed from a dirt-grubbing tabloid (National Enquirer, anyone?) to a certified glossy. Although it lacks the reliability of the top performers, Star is always a fun read that’s filled with attention-grabbing headliners, always accentuated with exclamation points. Titles like “Scariest Hollywood Makeovers!” and varying back-page features like “Public Displays of Consumption” (huh?) offer a wide breadth of topics, but don’t exactly have the most flattering pictures or correct information. Details…
Overall Score: 6

In Touch

Basically the poor man’s version of Us Weekly, and not even close in terms of credence and quality. The stories are kind of bland, tend to be more inaccurate, and the picture quality isn’t even very good. The only time you would want to buy this is if you only had $2 to spend, or if all the other magazines were sold out and you were about to get on a really long plane ride and had absolutely nothing else to do. Even then, though, I’d rather spend my money on Sour Patch Kids and read the back of the box.
Overall Score: 3

Do you have any favorites on the shelves? Or do you prefer to read juicy celebrity gossip online? Lemme know!

Ready for Spring Break? Yes, I am even talking to the 50% of you college students who are staying home this year. And why not? You don’t have to be off in Mexico doing really stupid things to have a good time. You’ve all been working hard and everyone deserves a little down time to let loose with a good book or an even better playlist.

Just because there is a little recession doesn’t mean you can’t have fun too. Or get a tan (and some D). Or, if nothing else, see a really bad movie.

If you are leaving town, don’t forget the essentials to take, the things you absolutely should not take, and the souvenirs you must bring home. And make sure to bring along the beach bag. God forbid you should be stuck on a tropical beach without your Blackberry, Us Weekly, and extra swimsuit.

Oh, and be sure to brush up on everything you need to know about Spring Break survival. Like the fact that everything that happens on Spring Break makes it way back to campus…with tons of exaggeration. Including STIs.

Don’t make the same mistakes we did in the past and be prepared. With a hot body and a cute dress.

So, in an attempt to avoid an ulcer or an unfortuante road rage incident, I vent to you, dear reader. Please feel free to join in and comment about anything–really, anything–that pissed. you. off. this week. Let it all hang out. I feel you.]

Unenthusiastic recipients: We’ve all been there: you spend hours– quite possibly even days–searching for the perfect gift for a special someone. You lovingly wrap it in unique and pretty paper before signing your name on the gift tag, anticipating that perfect moment when their face lights up with joy and gratitude, as they are thoroughly impressed by your gift buying skills. So imagine my frustration after saving my hard earned (and hard-not-to-spend-at-happy-hour) wages to buy my baby bro an iPod, only to watch him open it Christmas morning and proclaim “Cool. Thanks.” Ok now, I understand the whole males not expressing as much emotion concept; I understand that he’s a 16-year-old and slightly pissed off is his default setting, but come on, man! I think I deserved at least a Thank You hug.

Sh**y presents: Not to be hypocritical or anything, but sometimes I find myself acting the part of the aforementioned ungrateful. But come on, Grandma, I give you a fully organized, bulleted list of my Christmas wishes every year, complete with store locations and prices. Still, you somehow find a way to sneak presents that I’m 90% sure you bought in 1968 under the tree. Mom and Dad finally got it right: when in doubt, get a gift card.

Fickle Stars: Pete Wentz posted an indignant rant on his blog about how the tabloids totally wanted pics of his new baby, but he just wasn’t ready to sell them as he thought it exploited his kid (understandable.) Of course, Perez interpreted this as a sign of disinterest on the weeklies’ parts and a sign of major denial on Pete and Ashlee Simpson’s part (and I can’t help but find myself persuaded after the itsy bitsy birth announcements that US and People published.) Now Pete has decided, after all, to post pictures of baby Bronx as a holiday present. While I’m speechless with gratitude for the gift he has bestowed me with, I find myself wondering what made him change his mind. At least the kid is adorable.

Inconsistent New year’s Plans: Speaking of indecisiveness, I think I may kill one or more of my friends if they change their minds on how to ring in 2009 one more time. Since we arrived home for winter break, all the planning has turned to that most sacred night of wastedness—and now that it’s less than a week away, the pressure is on. So how in the hell did I become in charge of booking a hotel room near the clubs, finding appropriate transportation to and from said hotel room, collecting enough money for the appropriate pregame supplies and oh, don’t forget the Jello shots (as in: “we’ll prob need around 60 Jello shots because I’m bringing my cousin now and her boyfriend and his two friends!) I love you bitches but I’m a hearbeat away from saving all that money I would have spent on Andre and putting it towards one bottle of the good stuff—to be enjoyed ALONE.

Ok dear readers, what pissed you off during this week of merriment and joy?

Good thing she had that random white dress on hand!

I really need to focus most of my attention on the Pratt wedding (because, let’s be honest, there is much to be discussed), but first I must say this: for the first time in the history of The Hills, tonight’s episode made me cry. Yes, laugh at me if you will, but Whitney’s dad was so cute and I couldn’t help but cry when he gave her a goodbye speech. Oh, and I also cried when Whitney got out of the limo at the airport. What was with that flannel babydoll dress? Did she learn nothing since her first day at Teen Vogue??

But none of that matters, because Spencer and Heidi got married. In Cabo. Drunk. I don’t know which part of the evening was worse:

- The fact that Spencer “knows what Patron does to [Heidi]!” and just kept giving her more until she agreed to marry him.

- When Spencer told Heidi, “I’m madly obsessed with you…I pretty much keep you from the whole world.” That guy is seriously one step away from Mark Wahlberg in Fear.

- Or when Spencer told Heidi that she makes him a nicer person. Anyone else want to know what he was like before Heidi? The Joker?

Eventually, Heidi agrees that this is a fantastic idea and joins Spencer in holy matrimony. But only in secret. Because if Heidi and Spencer are anything, it is concerned with their privacy. They aren’t the kind of people that would hire a photographer to snap shots of their wedding. They wouldn’t return from Cabo and immediately sell the story to US Weekly. It’s not like they are on a TV show, or anything.

This is secret and romantic and cute! No one is gonna find out. Not that this whole charade is going to last long enough to be legalized, anyway. Heidi is going to wake up from that Jose coma and realize what a giant (flesh color bearded) mistake she made.

Or they are going to make babies and get their own show, which will be nothing if not the most entertaining show on TV. God, I love MTV.

I have a confession. When Joey Potter chose Pacey Witter over Dawson Leary, I was pissed. I mean, the show was “Dawson’s Creek,” not “Pacey’s Creek.”

That said, Gossip Girl seems to be taking a similar turn this season, as the supporting characters are totally stealing the spotlight. How ironic, considering that last night’s episode was all about Blair’s insecurity and the dark shadow that Serena casts on her. Let’s just get right down to business and discuss.

This week’s GG lesson? Your whole life is fulfilled when your photo appears in US Weekly, apparently. And if you aren’t photographed by the paparazzi at the age of sixteen, apparently all of your conniving plans to take charge of your mom’s fashion show and upstage your (former) bff will blow up in your face and bring great success to everyone else.

Blair is running on a very short fuse. But in this episode, you gotta feel for the poor girl. Let’s revisit:

-B. gets her friends 2nd row seats to the fashion show.

-S. appears in a trashy gossip mag.

-Little J. suggests putting S. and her new socialite friend, Poppy, in the front row, thwarting the childhood tradition of B. and S. helping backstage at the show.

-B. has a nervous breakdown with the maid, then discovers that Jenny has been skipping school, and decides to ruin J’s life to feel better about herself.

-At Eleanor Waldorf’s fashion show, B. tries to take the reins, only to have Little J. stand up to her. And win. Even Eleanor take’s Jenny’s side. Ouch. Your own mother choosing the social outcast over you must really sting.

-B. tries to get even, without considering that such antics as dismissing all of the models might ruin her mother’s show. Little J. suggests replacing the models with Serena and Poppy, which further infuriates B.

-Finally, B. switches Serena’s dress, replacing her mother’s design with a Little J. original. Still, everyone but Blair comes out on top when the dress is a smash.

See what I mean? No matter what, Blair just can’t win. And, despite informing Rufus that she’s dropping out of school, it looks like Jenny has a glimmer of hope in the fashion world (which she will undoubtedly screw up in a future episode). After J. sympathizes with B. (we both have to work for everything, blah blah blah, that’s why I wanted to be your friend), Blair tries to reconcile with Serena, only to have Serena brush her off to go do rich socialite things with Poppy.

In other supporting character news, Dan makes a feeble attempt to experience the life of Chuck Bass, which leads to tequila shots, street drugs, and Dan being left on the street with no wallet and no shoes. This is all in the name of inspiring Dan’s next novel. Because that makes perfect sense. Dan’s mentor tells him that the “Chuck” character in Dan’s manuscript is way more exciting than the “Dan” character (sorry, Lonely Boy, it’s true), so Dan tries to crack the vault that is Chuck Bass.

What do we learn? Chuck craves attention from his dad, who may or may not resent him due to the fact that the original Mrs. Bass may or may not have died giving birth to Chuck. After Chuck tries to purchase a prostitute that’s really just a scantily clad lass, Dan gets socked by an angry boyfriend, and the two boys land in the slammer. Which is the perfect opportunity for the cops to give Chuck Dan’s belongings (because that’s what happens when you go to jail, you accidentally get someone else’s sh*t when you leave), and Chuck realizes he was a case study. I can’t wait to see where this one goes.

While the supporting storylines of Blair and Chuck are totally giving us the most dramz, the old-people subplots are still somewhat ho-hum. Lily has a big secret, which her new husband, Bart Bass, discovered when he did a PI background check on her. Do I really care? Not really. And Rufus is trying to play the father, but Jenny’s not having it. Meh. I’m over it.

GG did leave us with a nice little quote, which not only applies to the power-struggle between television’s best queen bees, but also says something about the fact that Leighton Meester is currently stealing the show from Blake Lively: the brightest stars are the fastest to fall.