I want Serena’s boobs.  Ok, now that we have that out of the way….

Burrr. It’s cold in the Midwest and the frostbite that was last night’s episode of Gossip Girl isn’t making it any better. GG is turning into the LAX airport; I hate going there, but the celebrity fashion is great. I really think the CW network has the ability to turn any show into the most depressing thing I’ve ever seen.  I mean look at One Tree Hill.  GG has turned into such a downer, it’s no wonder they air it on Mondays. Just the cherry on my I-Hate-Monday cream pie.

Since GG is sucking it up lately (see last week’s suck-fest here), how is one supposed to keep the Upper East Side hot? Chuck keeps warm the old fashioned way (under the covers…with a slut bag!), Eric seeks the comfort of loved ones (even if they’re drug dealers), and others try to keep away the gloom by keeping things bright. Like me!

This week, it’s time we look on the bright side of the Upper East Side. You know, see the glass (of $1,000 champagne) half-full. Find the silver (or platinum?) lining. Stop and smell the roses (and Chanel No. 5). Or any other cliche that means “try to find something good going on in this stupid show so I can bring myself to keep watching it every week.”

‘W’ Stands for Something Blair ‘Way Never Imagined’
Cold Side: Dan doesn’t know the difference between Rodarte and Roadkill.  Dan is a horribly looking straight guy working at a magazine. Blair feels threatened.  So threatened in fact, they end up girl-slapping each other on the floor of an event, blah, blah, blah.  This whole Dan-Blair-internship-bond is getting insanely unrealistic. Thank god it didn’t last long.

Bright Side: Dan knows his Marc Jacobs and Cappuccino maker! Not to mention, Dan and his peacoat are boot licking my heart.  I wish I could watch him stroll down the New York sidewalks all. day. long.  Also, does anyone else see a Blair/Dan bed romp coming around the bend anytime soon? That is just the deliciously awkward moment that could turn this entire season around.

Elliot + ‘Air Bud’ Boy = Love and Other Drugs?
Cold Side: Elliot and Eric broke up!?! That’s like the Tom and Lorenzo of gay Upper East Side coming to an end! And now he’s replacing Elliot with ‘Air Bud’ Boy [i.e. Damien]? And drugs? I don’t like this.  I don’t like this at all.  When are you going to realize your occupation ruins people, ‘Air Bud’ Boy?!

Bright Side: ‘Air Bud’ Boy Damien’s dimples. And piercing eyes. That is all.

Lily Is Stuffing Envelopes
Cold Side: OK – the fashion wasn’t even doing any justice on this episode. What’s with Serena’s crop top sweater? Did Grandma Van der Woodsen run out of yarn while she was make-shifting a top? Speaking of  things that are way too short, let’s talk about Serena’s brunch with Ben. For real, that made a Van der Woodsen/Humphrey family brunch look like a weekend in the Catskills.  Maybe that has something to do with all that cold, hard cash Lily is shoving in manilla envelopes? Hey Lily, stop paying people off! And being a terrible mother. And doing everything wrong. Instead, be more productive and start paying my rent! Kay, thanks!

Bright Side: Uh. I can’t find one. Even Lily’s sparkly blazer didn’t do it for me this week. I’m sick of your shenans, Lilster, and claiming you’re doing it all for the kids.  I’ve heard that line before; let’s get more creative.

Oh, Nate’s Still Here?
Cold Side: While Nate tried to play ‘daddy-it’s-OK-I’ll-fix-this-mess’ he gets his Dad fired from Thorpe Industries. That’s something you can’t fix with a Facebook mass message, Nate.  Get a clue already.

Bright Side: Nate’s dad finally discovers what he really wants….to live in a halfway house instead of with someone who only halfway trusts him. And it’s good to know Nate is single-handedly saving  the economy with all of that hair gel he must use to sweep his pot-fried locks back. Oh, and maybe Nate has a future in professional pool?

Ben Sees That Look in Serena’s Eyes
Cold Side: Since Ben sees that look in her eyes he has to leave.  Whatever that means.  Who doesn’t see that look in Serena’s eyes?  That tear-kissed look that reflects images of angels and Cupid?  Since Ben is leaving, looks like the only thing Serena will be snuggling up to this winter is her warm bosom (because that thing she calls a sweater isn’t big enough to keep her warm). Or Dan. We all know he’s gonna wait around for her.

Bright Side: Those BOOBS.

OK, I’m feeling a little better now, though it’s probably just the image of Damien’s dimples in my mind. Luckily for GG, those are all it takes to bring me back next week. Until then….

XOXO,
GGRG
(Gossip Girl Recap Girl)

Heart melting. Heart melting. WHY ARE THE CREDITS ROLLING?!

For some reason, I was under the impression that last night’s Gossip Girl was the season finale. Imagine my horror, then, when the show ended and I thought I’d have to wait a whole 4 months to find out if Blair met Chuck at the top of the Empire State Building, if Nate and Jenny got. it. onnnnnn., and if Jenny then decided to pack up her extensions and haul ass out of New York.

“NOOOOO!” I screamed as the credits rolled. My mom came running into the kitchen, worried that I’d cut myself or choked on a Stacy’s Pita Chip (have you tried the cinnamon sugar kind? They’re so good I don’t even want to waste time chewing).

“Are you OK?!” She looked worried.

“THAT CAN’T BE THE SEASON FINALE. IT CAN’T!” But before I even finished my thought, “Scenes from The Next Gossip Girl” came on, I jumped out of my seat in total ecstacy, and my mom gave me a look of anger mixed with pity and stormed out of the room.

Thank GOD we get one more week. Things are really heating up around here and I can’t handle another untimely GG break, like that awful 3 month hiatus we had to deal with earlier this season. I need some closure, dammit. Some answers!

I need to know if true love is real and so powerful it can overcome your rich boyfriend trading your vajayjay for a hotel. I need more Chuck and Blair scheming, because even though it only lasted a moment last night, watching them work in tandem on Dr. Holland was the best part of the show (besides the opening with all the Lanvin, Louboutin and Marc Jacobs).

I need to know if Blair does want to get back together with Chuck and is merely playing games with him to make him suffer as much as she did, or if she’s truly moved on to the Columbia rugby boy with the bad taste in sweaters. (The guy is good looking and a more down-to-earth sorta chap, but this is Blair we’re talking about. Down-to-earth isn’t in her vocabulary.)

I need to know what the eff went down between Jenny and Nate. The boy was clearly a little down and out after his cray cray girlfriend (who may or may not be sleeping with her dad…. or at least trying to) verbally bitch slapped him, but is that enough to send him into the skinny arms/giant bosom of Jenny Humphrey? I know they’ve got a bit of a past, and I know Nate’s got a thing for blondes, but there’s a big difference between Serena’s gorgeous locks and J. Humph’s giant dredlock.

I need to know why no one on the UES ever lounges around the house in sweatpants. Really? This is what Jenny wears when she’s grounded?

I need to know what sort of hold Dr. Will had on Dr. Holland to get her to prescribe those fake meds to Lily/pretend to have slept with Rufus. This whole scheme has been a long time coming and involved a lot of work; did she kill someone? Will we ever find out?

I need to know if Jenny is still technically grounded for selling drugs. After all, it was her drug dealing mishaps that saved the family. Of course, then she tried to sabotage the family to go back to Brooklyn…. but the family ended up safe and happy in the end despite her. Does Jenny get her cell phone back?

I need to know that Dr. van der Woodsen is gone, far, far away from New York. I want to love him, really I do – he is a Baldwin – but I am very protective of my Humphrey’s (well, the two that aren’t Jenny) and anyone that threatens them while also getting a little too flirty with his own daughter is dead to me. You may have impressed your starving-for-attention daughter with the killer boots, but you don’t impress me, William. I mean, do you even know how to make waffles?

I just want to meet him already. Then I want to reach into the TV and smack him for somehow creating the two most self-centered, annoying women in New York. (And that’s saying a lot, considering The Real Housewives exist…) I am finding it harder and harder to like Serena this season (especially when she does that weird thing with her hair like she did for Dorota and Vanya’s wedding), and it is clear she’s inherited her worst qualities from her hard-to-please mother. Honestly, if Serena didn’t wear that ridiculously awesome necklace to the wedding last night, I’d have written her off completely.

Those van der Woodsen women need a big can of whoop ass, and I hope they open it soon.

But let’s stop talking about them for a moment and get to the real Cartier-wearing white elephant in the room: Blair and Chuck. I was dragged into their lives by my heartstrings the moment the show began and my heart hurt until the very end. (Although that could have something to do with the McDonald’s breakfast I had….) I’ve never had a guy trade me for a hotel (I think?), but I have woken up after a break up and had that moment when I realized that it wasn’t just a nightmare and that the pain was very real. And it is the worst. I immediately hurt for Blair (but don’t think I didn’t notice how perfect her hair looks when she’s moping….), but I also couldn’t help but hurt for Chuck.

The entire episode I was torn. One minute I was screaming, “Take him back, Blair – you two are perfect for each other!” and the next I was seething, “Walk away, Blair – that boy needs to learn a lesson.” (At one point I also grabbed a broom and hit my ceiling while yelling at my neighbors to stop River Dancing upstairs and interrupting my show.) But it didn’t really matter what I wanted, obviously; Blair made her choice and Chuck found some Eastern European giant to seduce in his empire.

And then I cried.

At least we had a somewhat happy ending that put a little pep back into my step. Two, actually. Not only did Vanya and Dorota tie the knot, but we had a little gay love connection for Eric. Yeah, I’d prefer it if both of those boys used a little less product in their hair, but there’s nothing cuter than two high school boys in love. I guess if I can’t have my weekly dose of Chuck and Blair, an adorable gay couple will do.

Who's Queen B now!?

Like some of my fellow College Candies, I was not smitten with the season 3 premiere of Gossip Girl. In fact, I felt lost, upset and alone after the show ended. All I wanted was the simplicity of Season 1, which got me thinking about just curling up on the couch, diving into a box of Godivas and rewatching my box set of that first glorious season.

For the 4th time.

Luckily, before I reached that point of desperation, our friends at On Location tours gave me a far better option to rekindle my love affair with GG. In the form of a bus tour of Manhattan, showing off the hot spots of the show. So. much. better. and only slightly less caloric than my original plan. Mostly because I brought some Godiva for the road(iva).

OK, so the tour was pretty touristy. So touristy that me and my friend were two of the five Americans on the bus. Pretty much everyone else was a visitor from another country. But I guess Gossip Girl and a love for all things WASPy and UES are the only things people around the globe can agree on. And despite the mix of languages and accents, we all came together to see the sites and scenes of our favorite TV show.

The tour kicked off at the Palace hotel, home of the Van Der Woodsens (and now Chuck Bass), in addition to being the office of the former Bart Bass (RIP, BB boy). As we moved on to each of the famed GG locales, our bubbly redheaded guide explained the significance of each location and spiced things up by showing us clips of the show featuring the very site we were visiting. (So I got to enjoy my Season 1 marathon afterall!)

I’d already been to some of the places before, like Dylan’s Candy Bar and Henri Bendel, but others were totally new. I got to gossip on the steps of the New York Museum, which doubles as the Constance Billiard School for Girls/St. Jude’s School for boys, take a frosting shot at Babycakes (the bakery that Dan buys pie at on the Thanksgiving episode), and glimpse at the exterior of the Archibald’s gorgeous townhouse on the Upper East Side.

Oh, and beyond all the hot destinations, our tour guide gave us a little something extra, quipping about Nate’s “mangs” (man bangs) and filling everyone in about the hottest off-the-set gossip. Did you know Lindsay Lohan was slated to play Blair Waldorf in the movie version of Gossip Girl? I didn’t. Also, gross.

From the steps of the Met to the Vera Wang on Madison (where Lily gets her fourth wedding dress fitted), the tour was a success. Sure, I didn’t get a little one-on-one time with Chuck Bass, but it did remind me why I loved this show so much in the first place.

Now I’m gearing up for tonight’s episode…much to the dismay of my male roommate.

To me, a lot of characters regressed in this ep. I’m not shunning last night’s 43 minutes of soapy rich-kid-ness, just making an observation. When we first met Serena, she was a former party-girl elitist who was trying to make a fresh, less-shallow start. Yet, last night, S was all about being the “cool kid” once again, no matter the cost of Jenny’s feelings. She plans a Sweet Sixteen bash for Little J, and then is obviously hurt when celebutante Poppy smirks at her social calendar. Haven’t you grown beyond that, Serena?

Jenny, after dabbling in the high-class fashion biz for a few eps, wants a low-key, family-only party (complete with Rufus’ famous homemade chili), and Serena concedes. Until the lame-o cliquesters announce that they had their own party planned all along. So, unbeknownst to birthday girl Jenny, Serena decides to reinstate the bash she’d originally planned. How second-season Blair of you, Serena.

Meanwhile, Vanessa and Nate are on the rocks while Blair tries to rekindle an old flame. Vanessa and Nate have a rather yawn-worthy breakup sesh, and Blair seems set on getting Nate… or is she really just set on getting someone a bit safer than Chuck? This leads to Vanessa allowing her own integrity to plummet, when she snogs the ever-ready Chuck to make both Nate and Blair jealous at Jenny’s big bash. I loved when Nate called V out on succumbing to Blair’s old games.

Blair herself has a childish scene in which she throws Nate on the bed and insists that he’s not leaving until they figure out if they are just friends or not. I mean, yes, throwing Chace Crawford on a bed is every girl’s dream, but who comes up with lines like that? Blair is the creme de la creme, yet she’s suddenly chasing her ex like an attention-starved puppy. WTF, B? You’re better than that!

Now, as any GG fan knows, every episode revolves around some sort of shindig. Last night, Jenny’s 16th was the big soiree. And last night was also the first night that the party actually looked like a high school bash. And by high school bash, I mean cheap keg party, which sends Poppy packing (apparently socialistas frown upon table dancing and unprotected sex in neighboring bedrooms?) Feeling bad for Serena’s awful life, she later invites S to Spain for the week. Because that’s always my solution to drunk girls table dancing at my friend’s house.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Did anyone else feel bad for Jenny when both the Van der Woodsen AND Humphrey clans ganged up on Jenny on her own bday? Even Eric! Yeesh.

So basically, Serena acted like an attention whore, Jenny rebelled by inviting the entire freshman class, and Blair pursued Nate like an insecure tween. With several random plot lines scattered in between (apparently the supposedly dead illegitimate son of Lily and Rufus is trying to reach out to Dan. What?!).

Because I am a tried and true Chuck Bass fan, I have to say I like where the Vanessa-Chuck subplot is going. They clearly had some chemistry at the beginning of the season, and now they are putting up fronts to find excuses to shack up. Now THIS is the juice I love in my GG eps! For real- when Vanessa was trying to sneak out and told Chuck that “last night didnt’ happen,” Chuck replied with,”Then neither did this,” and gave her a passionate, morning-breath smooch. They are so falling in love.

Honestly, I thought they could have ended the ep right there, but instead they had to depict the Nate-Blair rekindling, which obviously isn’t going to work out. I think they should just rename the series, “Chuck Bass Weekly” and go from there.

Anyone else feel my sentiments? Or blatantly disagree?

If there’s one thing I already knew, it’s that when you’re the poor, unpopular kid on the Upper East Side, your life will be a continuous cycle of being walked over, speaking your mind, putting your foot in your mouth, and then being magically forgiven and allowed to advance to the next round.

Did you miss last night’s episode? Let me fill you in.

Within the first minute of GG, Nate mentions the inevitable party that will tangle everyone up in some drama that will continue to be played out next week.

Other expected GG staples: Catherine and Nate talk money; Serena and Dan are together but have issues (did I miss them deciding to be a “secret” couple?); and Jenny has some great ideas for her fashion internship, but she’s a lowly intern and isn’t allowed to have opinions.

The best thing about the first half? The mini gossip girls who approach Dan and throw in their two cents. If you missed it, two tweeny-bopping brunettes are on Dan’s side, and one tweeny-bopping blond is on team S. The blond asks Serena how she can kiss Dan, knowing his tongue has been in Georgina’s mouth, which seems a bit much when you consider the girs were, what, 11? The tweensters were obviously comic relief, but for some reason their opinions caused an awkward rift between S and Lonely Boy…which I was over by the next commercial.

The real hotness revolves around Chuck and Blair for the third consecutive week. Chuck, like most high school boys, has a string of call girls filing in and out of his room, but can’t seem to perform. Dr. Ruth–I mean, Serena–suggests it’s because all he really cares about is B., which prompts Chuck to seek out a tryst with Blair so he can use her as “sexual Drain-o” to unclog his pipes.

At the party, Chuck and Blair have their weekly sexual-tension infused interaction, which started out pretty hot, but then got a little creepy…but still pretty hot. (Editor’s Note: SO hot.) Here’s another question: why can’t Blair, last season’s token virgin, suddenly go without sex? I mean, she was with Nate since freaking kindergarten and kept her chastity belt on, but now she’s like a dog in heat around Marcus. Which, of course, our favorite Duchess, Catherine, can smell immediately.

Now, it’s time to learn our life lessons from the crew. Nate really likes Vanessa, but Vanessa discovers his affair with Catherine. Dear Nate, when someone you like asks you if you are sleeping with a cougar, don’t justify it with, “She’s giving me money.” Horny Blair invites Marcus upstairs, only to finally lock lips with Chuck. Dear Blair, when your boyfriend walks in on you making out with someone else, the excuse, “I thought he was you,” won’t fly.

Of course, this is Gossip Girl world, so Vanessa likes Nate even more, and Marcus is finally ready to nail Blair.

Oh, in the meantime, Jenny got fired by Mrs. Waldorf, then rehired. Because that’s what Jenny does. And Serena and Dan broke up, but they really still love each other. Because that’s what Serena and Dan do. And Catherine “doesn’t like to share her toys. Especially when she’s paid for them.” So she blackmails Vanessa to leave Nate alone. Because that’s what rich, horny cougars who get to ride Chace Crawford do.

Gossip Girl. Everything you missed in high school, wrapped into 42 minutes of Monday night television. I love it.

Mmmmm.

But this is GG, people. Chace Crawford sexcapades can hardly satisfy our thirst for smut clothed in Prada. Cut to Chuck, chardonnay in hand, on a beach with one…two…three insanely hot girls. Oh, Chuck Bass. You are what every sixteen-year-old boy should aspire to be before graduating high school.

First shocker of the episode: GG informs us that “Lonely Boy” Dan isn’t so lonely after all. It seems he has a new chick — wait, maybe two new girls? Can you spell R-E-B-O-U-N-D?

Of course, before our first commercial break, we need a love triangle, and some legit dramz. Send Chuck to meet Blair, looking sweet and dapper with roses in hand. Insert random new man (James), let Blair make steamy eye contact with Chuck and then shove her tongue down new guy’s throat. This is how it goes down for high schoolers in the Hamptons.

It’s game, set, match for Blair when she enjoys dinner with both James and Chuck, yet she still feels the need to run after Chuck when he storms away from the table with his tail between his legs. WTF Blair? We know you don’t feel the same way for James as you did for Nate. Otherwise you wouldn’t be chasing Chuck. Alas, poor Chuck, who used to be made of steel, turns on the waterworks again, just in time for another gratuitous Chace Crawford shot — hottie Nate running down the street in his underwear after his new lover’s husband comes home early from work.

The GG writers get to show off their wit as Blair vents to Serena. Line of the night: “Damn that mother-Chuck-er!.” No wait, Blair can top herself: “All I could see is that Chuck Bass-tard.” Oh, B. You’re killing me. Just hop in a limo and ride the boy for heaven’s sake. Or is that, like a pair of leggings, too last season?

Just before commercial break number three, everyone gets set up with their dates for this episode’s party, a shameless product placement in the form of the “Vitamin Water White Party.” The party scenes, of course, begin with a montage of beautiful people in white bikinis (drinking Vitamin Water), and an array of awkward looks (and Vitamin Water) as tension brews between Jenny and her bitch of a boss and Nate and his married mistress (who all drink Vitamin Water). Of course, if looks could kill, the death row sentence would be awarded to Chuck for his staredown of Blair and James.

But is Gossip Girl really becoming the Waldorf Show? In order to save the best juice for the last few minutes, it’s time to bring Dan back into the picture.

Until he showed up at S’s granny’s doorstep, I’d somewhat forgotten that Grandma Van der Woodsen used to have it out for Lonely Boy. Did anyone else’s jaw drop when Granny invited Dan to the party as her date? It’s too bad that Blake Lively looks absolutely gorgeous in her party ensemble, and that she and Chace Crawford would make the most beautiful babies, because I was rooting for some Serena/Nate action… until I remembered Dan, who happened to arrive just in time to see Serena fake-make-out with Nate. Dammit, Dan.

Typical Dan calls Serena out for her drama, only to have his two ladies from the opening credits show up and throw colorful martinis on his white suit. Could’ve seen that one coming. Yet, finding out that Dan is both hypocritical and some kind of playboy makes Serena want to rekindle the old flame. As Gossip Girl says, “When words get in the way, there’s only one thing to do…”

“MAKE OUT!” screamed my roommates and me, in unison. This late in the episode, and the only non-GG watcher in the room has to ask, “Are these people supposed to be in high school?” Um, yeah, don’t all high schoolers drink their faces off, have affairs with married women, and hump like gorillas on Versace sheets?

But back to the main event: Blair and Chucky. Obviously, Blair’s game of chess has to explode in her face, as James realizes he’s her pawn. But he can’t just leave after one episode! James makes his “big confession,” the one Chuck needed a PI to uncover. Drum roll, please….

He’s really Marcus Beaton, he’s British, and a lord. And he likes that Blair dissed him and called him boring. I could see a little S and M working it’s way into this relationship.

Well, if Chuck thought he’d uncover some dirt on James/Marcus, he was wrong. And he knows now that he doesn’t have sh*t on a British Lord. So he gives in, but not before he begs Blair not to leave with him. Blair makes the final offer: give her three words and eight letters (“I love you,” for those of you that missed it). And Chuck drops the ball.

What the Chuck?

Chuck and Blair have totally stolen the spotlight for this whole episode, and it seems the writers had a couple of minutes to spare at the end, so they give us Serena and Dan. On a beach. With a bonfire. And freaking fireworks start going off. Barf.

A lot of recapping of last season tonight, a few twists and turns, and a lot of potential drama set-ups for the rest of the season. But with the Chace Crawford hot-bod-shot count already climbing, I can tell that it’s going to be a great season.