Which bitch wants him more?

The main reason any of us watch The Hills is because the lives of all those pretty people in L.A. are more exciting and dramatic than our own. They go out to fabulous clubs, they eat at the best restaurants, they drive the nicest cars and they hang out with the prettiest people.

And they get into bitch brawls at the bar.

But, to be honest, the big fight between Jayde and Kristin last night at The Playhouse was nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in real life. Not to mention, I’m getting quite sick of The Playhouse. Why is that the only bar they’re going to? What happened to Le Deux? H-Wood? That sh*thole Stacie used to work in?

Anyways, I understand fighting over Brody Jenner – he’s a fine piece of man-meat – but fight like you mean it, women. Throw some punches! Pull some hair! Break a bottle over someone’s head! (Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to see that in real life.) Do something instead of using words that you know MTV is gonna have to bleep out.

We all know that Jayde knows how to get in a real bar brawl; she did it just last month with Joe Francis. Why couldn’t she bring some of that heat last night? Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get some real drama around here? You better step up your game, Kristin Cavallari and co., or I’m gonna have to knock you out of my rotation to make room on my DVR for The Ruins. At least I’ll see some blood. Lord knows I’d rather see that than Brody’s mom’s thong hanging out of her jeans. (Didn’t notice it? Lucky…)

But it’s all OK. Despite the lack of chick fighting (and an unfortunate view of old-woman booty), there were two very key moments that made last night’s episode of The Hills worth watching:

1. Spencer almost gets a vasectomy or, as he calls it, “So you do go punch into the nuts.” It’s always nice to see a mature adult discuss a serious procedure like this with his doctor. Just the thought of someone taking away Spencer’s abilities to reproduce made me giddy. If that doctor could have convinced Spencer to go through with the procedure he would have won a Nobel Prize, for sure. Unfortch, comparing Spence’s penis parts to types of pasta sent ol’ flesh-beard over the edge and he ran out of there like a little biatch.

2. Audrina meets up with Justin Bobby to tell him that she still…um…you know….gosh, why is this so hard?….she likes him. And what does JB do? What he always does, of course; he turns it around and makes Audrina feel like she did this to him.

“When you pushed me away you pushed me into someone else.”

Uggggh, Justin Bobby. UGH! But that’s not even my biggest issue. No. JB has always been a giant dickhead to Audrina – who is really surprised by that anymore? The real problem here is that he wore a leather jacket without a shirt under it. WHO DOES THAT? Can you imagine what that smells like if he’s sweating in there? OMG, just the thought is bringing my Kashi Go Lean Crunch back up.

Although nothing like the aforementioned methods are on the market yet, scientists are busily researching ways to make men more active in pregnancy prevention.

At the second annual “Future of Male Contraception” conference held in Seattle this week (seriously, they have those?) sponsors such as the National Institute of Health and World Health Organization eagerly watched as new guy-based contraception inventions were unveiled.

Some of the new developments revealed were:

• The Intra Vas Device, “a set of removable plugs [which] block sperm in the vas deferens, the tube that’s cut in a vasectomy”.

Oh, I’m sure the guys will be lining up for this little procedure! Plugging up tubes in the body doesn’t sound comfortable, either. It kinda sounds like your balls would be constipated, no? Lovely, I’m sure.

• SARM (Selective Androgen receptor modulator), a “Testosterone-like pill” recently used as a muscle-wasting treatment that may also lower sperm count.

Awesome! So basically this is going to turn your man into a testicle-less non-man? Please tell me no.

• CDB-4022, a non-hormonal pill that “prevents monkey sperm from swimming to it’s destination”.

How do you confuse sperm, by the way? And, um, you all noticed it said monkey sperm, right?

None of these products have had sufficient testing, but researchers are confidentially moving forward.

No word yet on how the male population feels about allowing muscle-wasting treatments and sperm drugging medicine to invade their weewees but at least we may not have to rely on mood ruining pills forever (or until we want to pop out a few).