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This guy takes the cheerleader “Lingerie Football League” a little too seriously…

"I want to share all my feelings now."

A constant complaint we girls have is that men “don’t talk,” that they “never tell us how they really feel,” and anyone who’s ever interacted with a dude knows its pretty unusual to see one cry. And sometimes that gets frustrating and we just want our guy to share his emotions. We don’t want to date a robot; we want a guy with feelings. We know they’re in there somewhere and we just need a little somethin’ somethin’ to bring ‘em out.

Well, now there is that something. And it’s not a viewing of “Field of Dreams.” Scientists have been working furiously and finally come up with a solution to this very real problem:

Introducing Cuddle Spray a hormone-laced nasal spray developed by Universities of Oxford and Bonn.

I won’t bore you by telling you how it uses neuropeptide oxycotin, and how half of the forty-eight men they tested it on expressed their feelings more. And I won’t touch the subject of how the male participants had increased emotional empathy, either. You can read more about that later.

What I will talk about, however, is the commercial havoc that is going to result from this product. It will be like the Tickle-Me-Elmo craze of 1996 only worse, because instead of crazy moms trying to please their kids, this time it’s going to be crazy girls trying to please themselves. After years of probing their guys for some feelings, women can just spray this stuff and suddenly find the poetic, romantic dream boat hidden inside? I can’t even imagine how many women are going to start buying this for their mate, but I know they do, they need to be prepared in full protective gear. And they should probably leave the earrings at home.

Some call the new cuddle spray the “relationship Viagra,” which sounds simply delightful. But I have to wonder if guys need to consult a doctor if they feel emotional for more than 4 hours, how emotional do we want our men to be? Sure, empathy is nice, but isn’t part of the appeal of men that they aren’t as emotional as women? Do I really want my boyfriend to cry when I tell him that he can’t wear mid-calf socks with shorts? Do I really want to come home and find him sitting on the couch, sobbing into a tub of Edy’s as another bride finds “the dress” on Say Yes to The Dress? I think not. It’s that mystery and aloofness that gets us interested in the relationship to begin with, isn’t it?

I suspect that once this new spray hits mainstream, the appeal of quiet, mysterious men will grow. After all, don’t we all laugh when we read Edward Cullen’s moanings? Was I the only one who was completely freaked out that he stood over Bella’s bed at night, watching her? If that’s what this Cuddle Spray is going to do to my man, then I’m gonna have to say, no thank you. I’ll stick to the cologne-wearing, non-stalking, non-comparing-me-to-heroine boys. I like them a little rough around the edges. And smelling good.

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so take off those (faux) Burberry ear muffs and tune in.

(Girl, yelling, in a bar bathroom.)

Girl: … I’m NOT PREGNANT!

(Two guys, walking in an apartment parking lot.)

Guy 1: Dude, look at that cat. Is that cat drunk?

Guy 2: No, man, everyone knows cats don’t drink.

(Two girls, walking)

Girl 1: OK, we take this to the grave.

Girl 2: Yeah, no one can find out.

Girl 1: Kinda like the time I cried in the Lizzie McGuire movie.

Girl 2: Or when you peed on Stacie’s boots.

(Girl, guy, playing Wii in the lounge.)

Girl: Ughh! Oh my God! I need some Viagra for video games!

(Guy, girl, in the lunchroom kitchen.)

Guy: Aah! I destroy everything I touch!

Girl: Wait, are you breaking up with me?

Guy: No. Broke a plate.

(Girl, watching TV in the lounge.)

Girl: Oh. I get it. Suddenly it makes sense. Football players are all virgins.

(Two guys, waiting to get into a concert.)

Guy 1: You know what it means to f— a duck, right?

Guy 2: What? Uh, no.

Guy 1: Uh, geez. F— a duck. You know, like … that thing?

Guy 2: I dunno, dude.

Guy 1: Man. Just f— a duck.

(Professor, teaching a communications class.)

Professor: But, you’d never do that. It’d be like … a dozen people, sitting in a room in silence, watching a pair of lips on TV. It would be very European.

(Girls, talking at breakfast.)

Girl 1: I need to purge this pizza from my body.

Girl 2: Uh …

Girl 1: Yup. Exactly as gross as you think.

(Guys, outside a campus wings restaurant.)

Guy: Ughhh. I ate so much. It feels like I just got kicked in the stomach. And their shoe got stuck there.

(Girls, sitting around in the study lounge.)

Girl 1: What’s a fun game?

Girl 2: I have this game called “Loot.” It’s, like, a pirate card game.

Girl 1: Like, cuttin’ throats and swingin’ on rigging. And stabbing people’s eyes, so they bleed everywhere like a bloody duck’s butt.

Thanks to my Jewish mother, I’m the kind of girl that is always prepared for everything. People are constantly making fun of me and my 30lb purses, but that’s what happens when you carry around anything you could possibly need in a day: bleach pen, gum, band-aids, tampons, candy (lots and lots of candy), hand cream, multiple lip balms, hair care products, multiple cans of Diet Coke, etc.

I really thought I covered all my bases until I ended up in a situation to which I had no fix: a guy who couldn’t get it up.

At first I was distressed that I had done something wrong. Were my legs too hairy? My tan lines unattractive? Did he prefer girls with more than a landing strip?

After I got over that (“Uh, hello, the guy last week didn’t seem to have any issues!”), I still couldn’t shake the disappointment in myself. That was the first time in a long time that I was unable to reach into my Mary Poppins bag and pull out a cure. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to carry a penis pump in a Marc Jacobs bag (what would Marc think of me?!), but at the same time, there has to be something I can do to prevent further unfortunate occurrences.

And, by golly, I found it.

Introducing: Sexlets. Gum that freshens your man’s beer breath while also sending some serious blood flow to his little friend downstairs. This gum promises pearly whites…and longer sexcapades. Can Trident do that?

I don’t think so.

And, unlike Viagra/Cialis, which you’d have to crush up and dump into your boy toy’s cocktail (tee hee) to keep from offending him, you can just offer the boy a nice stick of gum. He’ll think you’re being nice…and he’ll have no idea just how nice you really are.

I wonder if they sell this stuff at Costco. I’ve got some room in my vajay bag and I know just what I want to fill it.

Are fanny packs back?

What’s the deal with BJs?

Kim Kardashian sees marriage in her future.

Celebrity Twitter overkill.

Miss California’s got Sarah Palin in her corner.

One is an old dude with an obsession with ditzy blondes. The other is a weird guy with an obsession with jewelry…and making things disappear.

And it seems the world has brought these drastically different men together…to battle.

For a woman, obvi.

Though Hugh Hefner has 3 live-in girlfriends and a billion other hot ladies roaming around his house, he has recently been heartbroken as one of his favorites moved out.

Where did she go? Into the tattooed arms of Criss Angel. Poor Hef has never been snubbed like this; especially for a nobody like Criss Angel. I feel bad for the poor old guy and have to wonder what it is about Mr. Angel that wooed little Holly away.

Maybe I’m missing something. Maybe Criss has a killer personality and is awesome in bed. Maybe Holly was sick of waiting for Hef’s Viagra to kick in. Who knows?

I just want to know which dude you’d prefer: reliable old Hef, or mysterious Criss Angel?

For this week’s Wednesday Night Encounters, we’re going to observe Men Of Few Words. Not everyone finds it necessary to go on and on about what they want in a partner. Some people enjoy eulogizing for hours about their likes and dislikes, their hopes and dreams, their “future”, but these guys aren’t interested in bogging us down with such trivial matters. In only a few small sentences, they get to the heart of the matter. They know what they want…and they want it now.

Nice.

New York Guy Seeking a Chick to Kick the Sh*t Out Of Him (PS: he’s afraid of the word vagina)

I am looking for a dominant woman to smack me around a bit, and abuse me for her pleasure.

I want you to make me grovel at your feet, lick and suck your toes. Have you bend and make me lick you know where and clean you to show me my place.

Yes, I know, its extreme but damn it sounds fun, doesn’t it?

I am clean, nice and gl and wish to start fulfilling some fantasies I have had.

A plus if you are mature and a plus if a BBW.

‘Sopranos’ Extra Looking to Try Out His Viagra

Greetings and thanks for stopping by. what is super viagra? it’s a sexual stimulant that keeps me hard for hours… even after i’ve come! once i get off i’m yours to use any way you want plus, i have great hands, tongue and heart… oh and i’m also fairly well endowed. not huge but, as one lady friend once told me: ‘i’m the perfect size.’

funny thing too… the last lady i had a one night sand with… it lasted for five years! no, the viagra didn’t last that long!

I Can Haz Oralz?

let me get onto my knees. crawl under your desk. then lift you skirt up. pull panties aside. an orally plz you.

IF HE DOESN’T HAVE SEX NOW, HE WILL DIE. SERIOUSLY!!!

I AM EXTREMELY HORNY AND MUST HAVE SEX IMMMEDIATELY. I AM D AND D FREE AND COMPLETELY CLEAN THERE IS NOTHING. WRONG. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WTIH ME EXCEPT THAT I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS HORNY AND I NEED TO F*CK IN AS MANY POSITIONS AS POSSIBLE.

I EVEN WILL WECOME MORE PEOPLE TO THE F*CKFST. WOMEN OF ALL AGES AND SHAPES ARE INVITED. PLEASE HURRY IF INTERESTED CALL ME AT 2 ONE 4 7TWO5 2SIXFIVE6 I WILL BE ANSWERING ALL DAY UNTIL 4. I WILL MAKE EVERYSECOND YOUR WITH ME HEAVEN. HURRY BEFORE YOU MISS YOUR CHANCE.

Give Him a BJ, Please? I Mean, The Dude Had To Move Back To His Momz!

im not looking for sex just a bj i just broke up wit my lady and it would help i hade to move back to my moms…ladies only plz know how to suck d*ck for real!

Christian Bale was merely defending his wife? Awwwww!

Wanna work in politics? Just have an affair!

Sick of Facebook yet? Yeah, me either. But it just got even better.

Viagra may work for women?

Apparently, some dudes agreed that women in skinny jeans could not be raped because removing them would require consent? Yeah…took awhile, but that’s been reversed.

The Jo-Bros are probably pissing off a lot of Dallas homeowners right now….

Porta-Potty art! (Doesn’t make the smell go away, though.)

Earth-friendly junk mail? Hot granny panties? Declining gas prices? Impossible!

An old favorite to get you through the day. Weeeeeeeeeee!

But no really, for the sake of everyone’s imagination, please stop trying.

Does Holly keep bowls of Viagra throughout the Playboy Mansion trying to convince Hef that they’re M & Ms? Doesn’t Hef fall asleep after three thrusts? He’s 82. I’m sure he’s young at heart, but come on. I’d imagine that any sperm that he’s got left is bent or way too exhausted to swim very far.

And as for the title of that US mag article, I highly doubt that Hef has babies on the brain. His to-do list consists of robe wearing, a nap, eating, another nap and trying to find his way through his mansion. Trust me, being one of the oldest fathers on the planet is not on there.

Also, the man is still legally married to his estranged wife, Kimberley Conrad; I just need to throw that out there. I mean, what’s Holly’s motivation? She says that she loves him; the way that she comes off on the show lines up with what she says. But does she want to have his baby…or just see dollar signs?

Hef is 82.

…I’m just saying.

According to ABC News, hypoactive sexual desire disorder, which sounds very clinical but for the most part I’m pretty sure refers to a lowered sex drive caused by life (hormones, supplements, exhaustion), affects about one-third of American women. That’s a lot of headaches.

Deciding that it just isn’t fair women still get the short end of the stick (ha ha) when it comes to sexual desire later on in life, scientists have been busy developing a Viagra-like product called LibiGel. Although it’s still in the testing stage, LibiGel had a reportedly “283 percent increase of satisfying sexual encounters for the women taking the drug” in trials at 17 different institutions.

The gel comes in a pump bottle, and a small amount is rubbed into the skin of a woman’s upper arm. Over a period of 24 hours, “the gel’s testosterone seeps into her bloodstream, boosting her energy and libido.”

It’s not clear if LibiGel makes a gal want to go all night long, or only for a few hours after it’s seeped into her bloodstream, but either way, as long as the ads on TV are less stupid than those Viagra-Guy-Throws-A-Football-Through-a-Tire-Swing, I don’t think LibiGel will have much of a problem finding an audience.

Finding a man to try it out on, well, that’s a different story.