After paging through the awkward ‘Maxim Office Assistant’ photos (think, girl spread-eagle cartwheel past the printer) and a page dedicated to large bicycles and office pranks, I landed across the lovely ‘Ask Maxim’ page. This month, I learned how fat you need to be to actually…explode. Maxim’s answer? Apparently someone’s stomach actually ruptured after eating 19 pounds of food in one sitting. I need to be careful the next time I order Taco Bell at 3 a.m.

This month’s ‘Woman With a Tool’ featured a leggy lady carrying around a weed whacker. This is unrealistic for two reasons. One, no lady in their right mind would weed whack with shorts on (do you have any idea how much that hurts!?) Two, any guy in their right mind is going to want more than a machine to do the whacking, if you catch my propane-powered drift.

I squeezed my eyes shut past a pictorial of JWOWW trying to be sexy her bra and undies while eating meatballs – and couldn’t resist reading about what has been found inside of sharks for an article called ‘In the Belly of the Beast.’ Do you know what they’ve FOUND in sharks? Oh, only halves of horses, live turtles, suits of armor, bottles of wine, treasure chests and polar bear heads. Ugh, hoarders.

Now that we have naughty sharks on our mind, let’s talk dirty. No seriously, Maxim want us to in ‘Talk (and look) Dirty to Me.’ Yes, Skype sex. Something everyone apparently should try.

Maxim Says: Speak up. Silent sex is boring, but over Skype it’s just weird.

Brittany Says: Whatever, I think breathing loudly into your computer speakers is incredibly sexy. Especially if you can reenact the Titanic sex scene and breath so deeply against  your computer it fogs up and you can whisper, “You’re trembling.”

Maxim Says: Be a director. Pay attention to lighting and camera angles. It’s easy to get caught in the heat of the moment without realizing you can’t see anything.

Brittany Says: If you’re so into the moment during cyber sex that you realize you’re getting off to a black, blurry image – I’d say that’s pretty impressive. Keep up the good work.

Maxim Says: Let it linger. No need to virtually snuggle afterwards.

Brittany Says: No virtual snuggling!? But I love the feeling of a hot computer against my chest with a face that looks like my boyfriend….can I at least send one of those cute smiley angel faces in a chat? Would that ruin the moment?

Every time one of those redonkulous video ads pops up on my browser, I want to punch whoever made them in the face. Because those guys aren’t on Match.com. Those guys have never needed an online dating site to help them find a chick (or a dude, as the case may be). Those guys are hot. Those guys have fantastic smiles. Those guys are actors.

According to this little article, the success rate of the online dating industry is 22%. Of course, the ads for EHarmony and Match.com don’t want you to know that. They want you to think hot, happy people are all over their websites. They want you to pay money to find these hot, happy people with fantastic smiles.

But I gotta say, after doing my own (ahem) research, I have found the amount of hot guys on dating sites to be alarmingly low. There’s certainly no body building Brad Pitt lookalike hoping to video chat with me. There’s someone who wants to chat about how it’s cool to be a nerd or make vegan cupcakes, but sadly, this someone cannot hold a candle to those dudes in the video ads.

What do you think? Is internet dating really as easy / successful as people say? Or is it just false advertising?