At The Erotic View, men can chat about hoohas for pay, and the adorably nicknamed “Net Walkers” (get it? Like night walkers? GET IT??) can make those very same hoohas known.

In other words, this is basically a review system for prostitutes. Men rank women on many aspects of their appearance and services. They can also chat on message boards, detailing how good the prostitute was and what she will and won’t do. To access many of these message boards (supposedly not for the faint of heart), you have to become a VIP, which seems to involve writing a certain number of reviews. Think of these prolific men as film critics…except instead of film, they’re reviewing sex-for-hire. And lady parts.

But don’t think it’s all about the men. Sex workers can also advertise on this site. This way, the men who love prostitutes enough to actually review them on a website can find even more prostitutes to hire and review.

It’s win-win!

Well, kind of. Apparently, prostitutes are benefiting from this service, and I guess the men who use it are happy. But isn’t prostitution, I don’t know, generally illegal? And isn’t it a little degrading to women to be advertised like a beanie baby on an e-Bay auction?

I actually went to the site to see what it’s like. It’s surprisingly non-graphic. There are no nakey pics or anything like that.

What it is, is a prolongued grading system. Apparently, “Susan/Soccer Mom” has boobs that are “super nice,” at least according to one reviewer (of many).

Classy, friends. Is this the future?

There have always been prostitutes and I’d wager there always will be. However, with all the violence against prostitutes (did you know they are quite often the target of serial killers and the like? Well, they are.), you’d think they’d want to move away from the woman-as-objects thing. And, yes, I know, they sell their bodies. But they are still women, and, more importantly, they are still people.

Is this completely degrading or is it just me?

[Image courtesy of http://img.dailymail.co.uk/]

Shall we?

I am happy to have missed Lacey’s return. I hated her so much that I carry those stank feelings into the new season. Didn’t they roller derby in the last season? I’m sure. Clearly the objective for each team in the Season Two derby is to protect the baby in the stroller and whichever team incurs the least amount of damage on the plastic doll wins a date.

So blah blah derby and the team with Trantastique, Inna, Aubry and Ice Princess Kristy Joe wins. The first three get a group date with Bret and KJ gets a private date.

I heard that Bret took the first three to a burlesque club where they each had to do sexy dance and I use the term sexy very loosely. I’m sure that Inna rocked it; I don’t know how Aubry measures up. And I know that Trantastique not only got naked, she got in trouble for it. I. Love. This. She-man.

When I tuned in again, KJ is crying in the bathroom and the vultures are calling her fake. They just hate her because she’s the best looking one in the house. I like that Aubry returns from the date and tries to console her. That makes her cool in my eyes.

The next morning, Big John brings a note that informs the girls that TWO are going home that night. Big John’s not looking quite as big as he did last season. I wonder if he gets any side lovin’.

For her date with Bret, KJ decides to do a BBQ at the house, which is nice in theory, but is also the dumbest thing that she could do. The vultures and their VIPness will hover.

And I call it: Daisy and Destiney (with names like these, how has it not come out that these two are strippers?) plot to ruin the date. But then I don’t care because Kristy Joe reveals to Bret that she is still legally MRS. Ice Princess. WHOA. And then The Miss-Needs-to-Start-Wearing-Shirts-Destiney VIP train rolls in. Balls. Bret clearly doesn’t want to be interrupted, especially after KJ dropped the married bomb.

(OH, sidebar: I hate Megan; the sound of her voice makes me want to toss my TV out of the window. Thanks to my friend, Tricia, I’ve learned that Dumbass Megan is a reality show whore. Nice “Beauty and the Geek 2” appearance, which makes me hate her even more.)

I love what when Daisy rolls up to interrupt the date that Bret is onto their VIP game and tells her that he’d like to continue his date. Bret’s worried that KJ isn’t strong enough to handle the hoes and KJ’s ice princess exterior cracks with tears.

While I like Roxy because she’s not skanky and seems cool, especially for taking the highroad and not riding the VIP sabotage train – she should have used the pass. Bret’s not seeing her pretty normal outtakes.

Date ends and Daisy cries half naked to Bret and I can’t figure out how old she is to have had as much plastic surgery as I think that she’s had. I’m worried that Ice Princess Kristy Joe will be the Rodeo of this season. Just not as crazy. Or wrinkled.

Elimination time: all I care about is who is leaving because I can’t guess who it will be. When it’s down to Kristy Joe, Trantastique and Roxy, it’s clear that Roxy is going home. There’s no way that Kristy Joe is actually going home…but my Trantastique! If I’d been in the house, I would have spent a lot of time with Trantastique, quizzing her about what I’m guessing is her amusing life.

And Bret eliminates Trantastique.

I am bereft. Bewildered. Bemused. She never got to have sex wis Bret in zee pool. What will become of her? (Him?)

How does one get eliminated from “Rock of Love” for getting too naked?

I knew that she wouldn’t win, but come on, keep her around for a little while longer. Jessica is boring as all get out – why keep her instead?

Oh and Roxy goes home, too, for not utilizing her VIP pass.

I can’t tell you what happens next time as I can’t hear anything over my sobs.

Onward…

The morning of episode 2 begins with Peyton the whiskey voiced informing whiskey hangover Courtney that she’s out. A girl named Sara makes known that her family has no idea where she is and that she’s on the show because of a dare. Since Aubry fang face is already labeled as the big mouth, she runs to tell Bret, who keeps that information in his jeans pocket.

Trantastique reads the challenge and despite the subtitles, I have no idea what she said.

Niki with the two-tone hair translates it and thinks that they’re going to be in a talent show. Turns out, the girls have to perform in a peep show booth for 30 seconds. If he likes when he sees, Bret will pop in a token for 15 extra seconds.

Wow. Nice to bring that 8th Avenue/New York City 25 cent peep show class to L.A.

So, yeah, three winners get a date with Bret. Trantastique decides to make a chocolate mousse and cake and I’m scared that it’s somehow going to end up on her body to help demonstrate her talent.

I assumed that I’d see a lot of tatas since the talent in this group is far from stellar. The peep show begins, and the rest of the girls watch from another room as Destiney does Kung Fu and a few read some hysterically elementary poetry that they wrote. Ice Princess Kristy Joe rocks it, ironing clothes all dressed like a tramp and then ripping off her shirt–which, for some reason, isn’t even trampy when she does it. Megan does ditzy thong magic. Inna disappoints with her cherry stem tying; like you haven’t been able to do that since you were six. I fully expected her to do some contortionist sh*t because she seems like a freak.

More non-talent talent: Daisy the Blowfish sings in what looks like a pink shiny lycra suit with cutouts. Whiskey voiced Peyton totally rocks me – she plays guitar and sings and I suddenly find her to be the most attractive of the bunch; and I think that Bret concurs.

Last up is Trantastique, who takes off her clothes and puts her breasts against the glass. But then it either gets better because I called it or far worse. Because I called it. She rubs her baked goods on her breasts and I think that she eats it off of herself. I’m not sure because I changed the channel momentarily. Did I not tell you that my eyes would get gonorrhea?

The winners are Peyton, Daisy and Ambre, who I found to be boring, wrapping herself as a present, asking Bret if he liked her “little booty.”

After the contest, VIPs and Jessica get their beauty rest while the others stay awake and listen to Bret plays his 1988 hit, “Every Rose Has Its Thorn.” In his annoyance at the VIP girls daring to go to bed, Bret decides that there will be a dance competition in order to give away some VIP time. Who does he think he is, Puff Daddy? He’s going to get a pants off dance off, not real dancing.

Oh, wait, that’s what he wants.

The episode continues with a new day and a new note from Bret explaing that after the date, three will be eliminated that night. During the date, the VIPs decide to make Brett a card, complete with glitter. Make sure you spray the elbow macaroni gold for that extra special touch. Nothing says I’m sorry like glitter and gold splattered elbow macaroni.

The actual date is ATV riding (which kinda looks like a lot of fun). I hope that Daisy the Blowfish falls off and that something on her anatomy bursts, but, alas, she stays on. During their lunch, Bret feels unconnected to Ambre and takes her off for some personal time.

Back at the house: Inna and Trantastique prepare a room for the dance off as the VIPs squeal over their glitter card. They get dressed up and wait in front of the door for him. Inna and Trantastique dress like strippers and also wait for Bret. And then it’s on! Dueling tramps! VIPs move closer to the door and wait. The strippers follow. E ven though it’s two against three, Inna will kick VIP ass. It’s not saying much, but she’s still smarter than them.

Bret puts Inna and Trantastique in charge of judging, which is too bad because I would have loved to see them dance. The three winners will receive VIP passes, allowing them to cut in and steal Bret time away from another girl.

The girls take time to get ready and as they gather, I seriously wonder where they get this tramp gear. Like they seem to actually own and wear this stuff, as opposed to buying it strictly for being on the show. I think that I’m impressed by it.

Each girl has to pick an old school dance from a hat, but who the hell chose these dances? The Shopping Cart? And can anyone actually Moon Walk? So this dance off is uber disappointing, but Roxy’s Funky Chicken, Daisy the Blowfish’s Pony and Destiney’s I-can’t-remember-what-it-was dance win.

Niki camera-laments that she’s going home. Yes, Niki, I think that you are right.

During the commercial break, I wonder how Trantastique came to be; where and how she developed such overinflated self-esteem. Whether or not she’d end up with her own show after she gets kicked off; because I’d watch that and recap it in like a second. (Hint, hint, VH1).

Elimination time! Sara gets called out for being there on a dare and not telling Bret that she was there for him, so she’s sent home. I say that Niki and Korie are going home. Notice how I haven’t mentioned Korie before this? Exactly. Niki says, “If I get sent home, I’m retarded.” Well, if that’s how you want to measure it…

Aaaand…Niki and Korie in fact go home. Niki is shocked that Trantastique is staying but come on – she took off her clothes and licked food off her breasts. Food that she made, no less.

Oh and because of Bret’s love and overuse of the word ‘connection’, I have decided to keep track of how many times he uses it per episode. Disconnect counts, too.

Connection count: 7

Next time: Lacey returns for the Roller Derby and I hope that someone breaks Lacey’s jaw. Also, the skanks turn against Ice Princess Kristy Joe.

 Since cozying up at an Emmys party in September, Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere have dodged rumors that they are dating.Two months later, the duo some call “Halo” are still close, hanging together at Wednesday’s Race in the Fight Against Epilepsy fundraiser, in Calabasas, Calif. But could these Heroes be a couple? When asked about the reports of romance, Ventimiglia, 30, chuckled then paused. After a few seconds, he answered, “She and I are close friends. It’s only natural that people are going to couple us together.”

The actor and Panettiere, 18, hung together outside the bash while awaiting their fellow Heroes costars. And although they spoke closely in a shadowy corner, they remained strictly hands-off. (Once inside, the two were ushered into a private VIP room.)

First of all, Milo has that weird Sylvester Stallone/Popeye mouth thing going, where he kind of talks out of one side of his mouth. Then there is the whole, HE’S 30 THING! Don’t get me wrong, I am not much older than Hayden and get the whole sexy-older-guy think – but 30 is a pretty big step. This poses the question, how old is too old?

Ever since the launch of our dear old Facebook, there have been many similar social networking sites popping up, and this recent one that I have learned about is probably the most pretentious of them all.

Apparently, aSmallWorld.net, is a very exclusive, members only networking site for ridiculousslllyy rich people. According to the New York Times, it was “founded four years ago, and promoted as a Facebook for the social elite…it has grown from about 500 members to about 150,000 registered users.”

Sound like something you are interested in? Well, don’t even think about attempting to join, it’s an invitation only membership.

“The site functions much like an inscrutable co-op board: its members, who pay no fee, induct newcomers on the basis of education, profession and most important, their network of personal contacts.” Now do you understand where the UGH factor comes in to play?

And, don’t worry, there is one more truly disgusting part of this whole shenanigan:

Users are mostly young– 32 on average. What freaking business are these 32 year olds and younger in where they are able to comment on the website’s forums with inquiries such as this: “If anyone is looking for a private island, I now have one available for purchase in Fiji.” Seriously. That is a direct quote from one of the members.

UGH UGH UGH. Sure, I am a little jealous. I mean, who wouldn’t be of these abnormal people who are able to sell their personal islands over their snotty little networking site. But, for right now, I am happy with good old Facebook.

The website that lets everyone join in on the fun.