Most guys get to college and lose their virginity faster than you can say “Mom, just leave already and stop reorganizing my shower caddy!” Let’s be honest, having a V-Card on top of a freshman ID card is social suicide. At least, according to all the guys who claimed to lose it their freshman year of high school (Can we all say together: yeah right!). But there are some guys that not only wait for the right girl, but they wait all the way to marriage. Like Tim Tebow.

Tim Tebow is famous for two things. Being an amazing football player and being a virgin. I don’t watch football, nor do I watch Virgin Diaries and even I know that. So after hearing his name nonstop this week I decided it was time to take action and take his virginity.

But only on one condition. That enough people retweet the below:

And if we define enough as 13 retweets, then it’s official. I’m taking Tim Tebow’s virginity. Tim, the ball is in your court. Call me.

While we wait for Tim and I to set a date, here are some photos of my new beau:

It’s been hailed as the holy grail of sex: the v-card. Taking someone’s virginity has historically been a much-sought after sexual experience (this is going as far back as Medieval times). The thought of a pure, untouched individual succumbing to your sexual prowess…well, I can see the appeal. However, the build-up in media and society certainly falls short in reality. I should know – I’ve swiped more than my fair share of v-cards.

Remember your first time? It was awkward, sweaty, clumsy, painful and a basic nightmare (at least mine was…). You wonder, why was I so pumped for this? What was everyone hyping about? Then you have some more sex and it gets better. Much better.

Let me tell you – having sex with a virgin is like having sex for the first time…again. Especially if your partner failed to inform you of his v-status. Yeah, it’s personal information, but if you’re about to have sex with someone I think you’re probably past formalities.

So let’s run down the list:

Awkward? Check. You can’t figure out if he’s just terrible at everything, too drunk to function (in some cases), or is actually a virgin. Do you call him out on it? Do you just roll with the situation and hope it gets better? All of these questions are running through your mind, thankfully distracting you from the person fumbling about with your happy bits.

Sweaty? Check. He’s sweating because he’s nervous and inexperienced (And probably a healthy amount of his sweat is on you as well). You’re sweating because if homeboy is not familiar with your lady parts, things could go seriously wrong pretty quickly.

Clumsy? Check. The bra itself can take up to 5 minutes for someone not familiar with either back or front clasp operations. There can be accidental pinching, kicking, biting, head-knocking and tripping. In my experience, there is no other type of sex to have with a virgin other than clumsy sex.

Painful? Check. For him…probably not. For you? Oh yeah. Sexual positions are basically out the window (unless you saddle up and get on top), so you’re left laying there quietly wondering when he’s going to figure out what goes where. No, not those parts (even virgins can figure that out). But legs, arms, hands? Those can be forgotten in the rush and therefore are flopping here and there, willy nilly. And don’t forget about knees, elbows and hipbones. Those suckers hurt.

Nightmare? Check. Unless you studied education and have the patience of a saint, training a virgin is hard work. The payoff can be negligible and it takes forever to get there. However…if you’re one of those special people who made a connection and decided to wait for marriage (or another significant milestone), then the reward will come and it will be worth the wait. You always remember your first time and your first partner; it’s a connection that will stay with you and, if you’re in a long-term relationship with this person, will bring you closer together.

If you’re not in a long-term relationship…then at least you have a story to tell to your friends the next day. And I’ll definitely buy you a drink to commiserate if I ever run into you.

Questio? Answio: Ask TuffyLuv@collegecandy.com.

Dear Tuffy Luv,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for a month now, and he’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. He’s respectful, funny, handsome, super smart and comprehensive. Things couldn’t be better. Because of the way I was raised and my personal beliefs, I want to wait until I get married to have sex. He says he respects my decision and that he’ll wait.

The other night he got all serious and he said he wanted to give me an orgasm, and we talked about it. I’ve had orgasms when I masturbate, but I’ve never let a guy touch me down there before, but I really want to. So we gave it a try. He’s a older than me, so he has a lot more experience, and he knows how it’s done. The problem is, I don’t. I had no idea of what to do and I got all nervous. I can give a handjob or get down on him, but I have no idea of what to do when I’m the one on the receiving end. At first I was really turned on and everything was going fine but suddenly, poof! I didn’t feel anything anymore. He said I should tell him what I like and how I like it, but I don’t know how to explain myself, and also, I’m a bit shy.

How do I stop getting nervous and self-conscious? How do I learn how to tell him what to do to me? I’m tired of being such a prude!

Sincerely,
Horny Virgin

Dear Horny Virgin,

I’m not trying to make fun of you, but I really feel I need to correct you on this for your sake: the idiom is “go down on him,” not “get down on him.” Although I do rather like that better. Actually, yes. Let’s change it to that. Henceforth, one shall get down on one’s man.

Okay. Your question is, you wanna get off without getting it on. Happily, you got a guy who wants to help! Lil’ ol’ Tuffy’s real impressed by this guy, actually–it was even his idea! Very nice. A+, Horny Virgin’s Dude, A+.

Well, frankly, HornVirg, the main thing you really gotta do is relax. You’re not a prude; you’re just at the beginning of your sexual journey. Hey, everyone goes on one, so don’t freak! It’s no big.

So when he’s doing stuff to you, remind yourself: He WANTS to be doing this. He GETS pleasure from pleasuring you. So there’s nothing you can screw up, you know? There’s no pressure. It’s what you want, because that’s what he wants to give to you.

See, sex is share-time. In intercourse, you know, it’s all about both partners getting off on each other, so there’s got to be a give and take. But in this situation, you’re each giving each other your own time. So you know how when you’re “getting down on him” (seriously, I want this to catch on!! way cuter!!), he’s just enjoying the moment, and you’re happy about that because, for you, it’s about him? That’s what he wants to do for you. Let him, for floop’s sake.

I’m so happy this is your problem, HornVirg. There are soooooooo many girls writing in to me about how their partners just want blow jobs and shoop and aren’t interested in reciprocating. Hey, kiddos, are you reading this?! There ARE men who want to make you feel good! Dump the ones who don’t!!!

But back to you, yes?

Welp, here’s my basic advice.

(1) Remind yourself he just wants you to enjoy it, no more no less, and make sure you breathe.

(2) When he does something you like, be VOCAL about it. And you don’t even have to SAY anything–just moan or make an appreciative noise. Guys dig that anyway, and he’ll be more than happy to accommodate; it’s win-win!

(3) When you DON’T like something, gently move yourself (and him) into a position you like better. Again, he’ll get the picture, and win-win-win-win-win.

(4) Fantasize. Imagine a scenario that gets you really hot. You don’t have to share it with him (although, if you think that’ll be hot, you’re more than encouraged to). In fact, it doesn’t even have to be about him. You’ve masturbated–what do you think about to get you off? Try thinking about those kinds of things during intimacy and see where it takes you.

Oh! And one more thing. KEEP A CONDOM AROUND, JUST IN CASE. I know you’re not planning to have premarital sex, but, just in case, because no one is perfect and sometimes things just happen, it’s better to have one on hand. And that goes for all of youse. Safe sex or no sex.

Good luck, kiddo!

Hearts & Skulls,
Tuffy Luv

[Want more tough love? Get it.]

[He Said/She Said is a new series designed to help all our wonderfully confused readers figure out what he’s really thinking. So every week we’ll be throwing out a topic for debate…and unlike our fave dude, these guys won’t be sugar coating anything for you. But before you jump into their heads (which seriously will make you feel like you need to shower), check out what we think!]

I was with my boyfriend for three months the first time sex (and, simultaneously, something else, if you know what I’m sayin’….) presented itself. It was his birthday, we were in his bed, neither of us were wearing clothes, and after an hour of a whole lot of other stuff, I was ready for it.

And it was my first time.

“Baby, let’s do it.” I breathed into his ear. Yes, I know it wasn’t the most eloquent proposal, but gimme a break. How many of you are poets between the sheets?

He pulled back and looked me in the eyes. I expected some romance. Not like John Mayer would walk in and start playing in the background or that we’d have the kind of intense sex I’d seen (far too many times) in The Notebook. But, you know, I thought he’d be happy about it. I did not expect:

“OK, but I don’t want you to get all clingy and stuff.”

Uh. Yeah. That happened. And I slept with him anyway. And continued to date him for another 3 months. The thing is though, I didn’t blame him for thinking that way. First, the kid was kind of dumb. And second, he’s not the only guy that assumes that a virgin becomes instantly attached to the first guy she sleeps with. Guys are conditioned to think that way from the moment they have their first erection. They assume that all girls think of their first time as some magical moment and that they’ll live happily ever after with the first guy who put it in.

They don’t realize that many of us are just looking for someone we feel comfortable with. Someone we trust to see us in that most vulnerable moment. Someone who won’t slander our names when we make them stop because it hurts so effing badly, or run from the room when they see the unsightly virgin stain on their sheets. There are a lot of things girls have to deal with when they lose their virginity and many just want to make sure they’re dealing with those things with someone who, I dunno, knows their last name.

For guys, on the contrary, losing their virginity is easy. Hell, I’m sure that many of us have slept with virgins and didn’t even know it. I mean, there are plenty of experienced guys out there who are terrible in bed or finish in less than a minute, so how are we supposed to know if that’s because it’s their first time or they just suck?

And even if we do know we’re about to go to bed with a virgin, do we care? Not really. The only reason we’d even question it is because we’re worried his inexperience might leave us hurting more than our first Spin class/walking funny for days. But in reality, most girls don’t give much thought to taking someone’s virginity. And of the ones that do, many love the idea of being someone’s first. We like knowing that this guy is clean, he’s not a total player, and that we can have total control of the situation. And control in the bedroom is HOT.

Look, it’s 2011. For most people losing your virginity is a big deal, yes, but it should be a big deal to the person losing it, not the person they’re losing it to. If someone is choosing to give me their V-Card, more power to them (but good luck ever finding someone who’s gonna rock their world as hard as I do); I’m not gonna freak out that they’ll be proposing marriage in the morning. It’s a very personal decision and if they decide that I’m the person they want to have their first roll in the hay with, that’s their call.

Because at the end of the day, it’s sex, and whether it’s their 197th time or their 1st, I’m just excited to be gettin’ some.

Want to see what he said? Check out the male response at COEDmagazine.com.

[Get more He Said/She Said right here.]

Dear Dude,

I’m a college sophomore and still a virgin.  I’ve had my fair share of “almosts” and do enjoy the occasional heavy petting but I have yet to go “all the way.” I’m not waiting for marriage but I am waiting for a serious relationship with someone I can trust. I used to be confident in my decision (I mean, so what?) and felt no pressure to lose my virginity but lately I’ve been feeling like being a virgin is hurting my chances of finding that someone.

The problem is the handful of boys that I’ve started relationships with in college (emphasis on the word started because it never gets very far) initially say they respect the fact that I am a virgin. However, when that boy finds out that I’m REALLY not going to have sex with him (like never, ever) I don’t hear from him again. And when I try to hide the fact that I’m a virgin guys get mad at me for being a “tease” and disappear, too.

So basically I don’t want to lose my virginity because I’m waiting for “the right” relationship but I feel like being a virgin is preventing me from having ANY relationship. It’s a never ending cycle! Everyone around me is telling me to stick it out and wait for “the one,” but the thought of going through my college career without a real relationship is depressing. So dude, why do guys run away when they find out I’m a virgin? How does a virgin get a guy to stick around? Should I just give it up and get it over with? Or should I start filling out applications for the nearest nunnery?

Sincerely,
Not Necessarily DTF

Dear Not Necessarily DTF,

If you don’t want to lose it, don’t lose it. I’m pro-choice, not just when it comes to abortion or virginity but in terms of life. There’s always a choice. What’s unfair is when it feels like the choice you’re making is depriving you of something you want. Which sounds like the dilemma you’re dealing with.

Guys “run” from virgins for a few different reasons and myths: they don’t feel confident enough to be the sexually more experienced partner (because some of them barely have more than you), they’re afraid that a virgin will be bad in the sack (a harsh judgment, but one many a frat boy has made) and then there’s the responsibility factor. When a guy has a choice of taking a girl’s V-card there’s something in them that provokes the thought, “do I want to be somebody’s first?”

For the guys who don’t want a relationship, they might be scared that being someone’s first will automatically give the girl the impression that they’re in a relationship. In this peon’s brain, sex automatically equals commitment.

Another question of responsibility is whether the guy feels comfortable being the measuring stick for the rest of the girl’s life. They think that’s a lot of weight on their shoulders. Again, this is a guy who is NOT looking for a relationship, just a hook up.

The aforementioned 2 examples are acting out of ego and crappy juvenile knowledge gained at their 8th grade lunch table. Like that Mountain Dew reduces sperm count.

Now there is the opposite type of mental midget: the guy who flocks toward virgins. This specimen loves nothing better than to plant his flag. In fact, he plants his flag everywhere he can and sees it as a benevolent act. This is also a creature to be weary of and avoided if what you want is something serious. Handle with latex gloves and a Hazmat suit at all times.

If you put value on your purity (to use a euphemism straight from Sophocles), then treat it with the appropriate value. I’m not saying keep your standards unreasonably high, demanding an IQ, blood, driving, or DNA tests and having them display a detailed financial portfolio with his 5 year plan outlined in Calibri font. But don’t lose it for the sake of losing it. You’re devaluing yourself and it’s a decision that will nag at you, most likely, for the rest of your life, certainly having consequences on the next guy you get involved with.

Lying isn’t the answer either. I’ve written in other columns dealing with the “should I/shouldn’t I” question that lying denotes shame and you need not be ashamed of being a virgin. There are a lot of people in their early 20′s with their virtue intact. So don’t feel alone.

The best thing I can say is this: those who pressure you for something you clearly don’t want to do are not acting out of affection for you. Negative influences like those needed to be confronted and told to chill the f*&k out and let them worry about their own sex lives instead of yours.

You’ve got to make the decision as to who the “right” guy is. I recommend someone who you trust and makes you feel comfortable. A guy like that is out there and if you’re not finding him, it’s probably NOT just about you being a virgin.

Keeping the torch lit,
Marathon Dude

[Don't you just love him? Wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

Dear Dude,

I have been dating my boyfriend for two months or so now. Unfortunately, he goes to another college and we don’t see each other as often as we would like. Neither of us dated in high school; neither of us has any experience with dating or sex. Recently, the time we do have together has been getting very sexual. He is a little bolder than I am (although always a gentleman) and the last time we saw each other things got a little out of hand. By the time I asked to slow down (which he did immediately), neither of us had clothes on.

He always touches me and makes me feel wonderful, and I want to return the favor–but I feel like if you’re going to go below the belt on a guy you should be prepared to finish the job. I don’t know if I’m ready for that. I’m certainly not ready to lose my virginity.

I care about him a lot. I want to respect his needs and wants without being selfish, but I don’t want to push myself into territory that I’m not ready for, either. I definitely don’t want to be a tease. He makes me happy. I just want him to be happy, too.

What do I do?
– Searching For Boundaries

Dear Searching For Boundaries,

To put the rumors of my unfortunate demise to rest…yes, last week’s “How Do I End Things Without Breaking His Heart?” was written by yours truly. It was a stylistic experiment that was a ton of fun, in case you couldn’t tell (and if you didn’t read last week’s column thus having no clue what I’m talking about, well, click on the link).

Onto present predicaments…

Right out of the gates, I applaud your consideration for his wants and needs. Sex can become immersed in a lot of selfishness. The problem there is that it takes two to…euphemism. So it can’t always be about just you or just him.

Teases are torturers as far as guys are concerned. The teased is in a vulnerable position. When you’re unguarded you’re trusting that the other person isn’t going to chop your…out from under you and thereby destroy your sexual-related sanity. So, bravo for not wanting to be a penile lumberjill.

Mini-rant behind us, let’s deal with some do’s and don’ts that might penetrate through your fears arisen from the situation.

DO: Be open and honest about what sex acts you’re ready to commit with him.
DON’T: Expect him to read your mind about what sex acts you’re uncomfortable committing with him.

DO: Allow yourself to trust him.
DON’T: Let yourself be pressured into doing what you’re not ready to do yet.

DO: Ask him what he’s ready for.
DON’T: Take advantage of his eagerness by having him satisfy you and then not satisfying him.

There are pitfalls here. Fortunately, with communicating what feels good and what you’re ready to experience with him, those pitfalls can be avoided on the road to achieving a new level of intimacy. That’s what makes sex special with people you care about: intimacy. It sounds like there’s a real emotional investment in your relationship, of which sex is a component, and that’s what’s freaking you out. By letting him know where you stand and where you do want to go with him (plus giving him the chance to give his side of the story) you’ll be exploring the new emotional terrains together.

That being said, I’m going to venture out on the ledge and say this: You should examine why you’re not ready to go beyond the level you’re at. Is it because you’re not comfortable with giving a hand job, or blowjob, or intercourse, or is it because you’re not comfortable experiencing them with him? A lot of girls are in relationships with men they’re not sexually compatible with. They gravitate towards them because of any number of reasons (he treats her well, she depends on sex not being apart of the dynamic, he’s her first relationship, she’s breaking  a pattern for the type of guy she usually gets burned by, and so on…). Is it that or does it not matter that it’s him, and it’s got more to do with you?

I’m not suggesting you do anything you’re not ready for. I’m asking you to examine what boundaries you’ve erected for yourself and why. Sometimes we realize that we’ve put up walls that once protected us but now are trapping us. Sometimes we still need the walls as they stand.

When you understand what the boundaries are, why they’re there, and whether they’re still necessary, then you can find new ones. Only this time, you’ll discover them with him. And that, is an act of intimacy…

Running the bases,
The Dude

[Isn't he wise? Don't you wish you could get more? You can! Check out The Dude's other insights into the male mind right here.]

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