"Dude, we're not drinking this....we're gonna eyeball it, brah!"

If you’ve ever dreamed of a vodka IV on those nights where you just can’t seem to throw back that very last much needed shot of Belvedere Popov, some sickos (read: exceptionally inebriated college guys in some dirty, smelly frat basement) have devised a new method of intoxication that comes awfully close.

This absurd mode of alcohol ingestion is being called ‘vodka eyeballing,’ which is as gross/disturbing/effed up as it sounds. In a nutshell, you shoot vodka through your eye. The drinking trend is said to be making its way from Britain to the U.S., specifically in Vegas nightclubs. (Because when you spend $200 on a bottle of Skyy, it only makes sense not to waste it in your mouth….)

Those who carry out this horrific idea claim it helps you get drunk faster, however experts (Editor’s Note: What does it take to be a Vodka Eyeballing expert?!) are rather skeptical. They say this method would, in fact, allow very little alcohol to be absorbed and also warn about serious consequences from this, such as clotting of the blood vessels, constantly watering eyes and even deterioration of eyesight. Or the most obvious: looking like a total moron.

I don’t even know what to say about all this, really. Except that I think it is idiotic and revolting to the point that it kind of makes me lose faith in humanity altogether. Well, I suppose I’m exaggerating a bit; I’ve definitely heard worse. Like that whole soaking your tampon in vodka thing or even shoving a beer bong in your butt. Can’t people just pour themselves a vodka tonic and be done with it!?

But I’m getting off course here…

Honestly, the most disturbing thing about this whole “trend” is not the fact that someone actually came up with it; it’s that I actually know a few morons dumb enough to try it.

“Dude, this is gonna be AWESOME. It’s just like contact solution! But more fun!”

OH DEAR GOD. Please, for me, don’t try this at home.

Yeah, it’s pretty sucky, I know. But no matter how desperate you get, you wouldn’t do something as sick, disturbing and really grosstastic as this, would you?

Who thinks of this sorta stuff?! Sure, I’d like to get drunk without all those pesky calories, but sticking a beer bong up your booty is a bit much, no? Plus, one of the best parts of drinking is the social aspect;  I can’t imagine my friends would want to join me in the bathroom as I shove a (super sized) vodka-soaked tampon in my cooch.

I am incredibly disturbed that people actually think this is a good idea, but even more disturbed by the fact that my mouth has touched many, many beer bongs in my time. Lord only knows where those things have been before.

I need a cocktail.
In my mouth.
Not my lady parts, thankyouverymuch.