[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

I know that times are tough. The economy is in the dumper and our wallets are just getting emptier and emptier. These days it seems like I can’t turn a corner or walk into a bar without having to pay somebody something. Though I know it’s hard to choose between blowing your last dollars on another pitcher of beer or tipping the bartender, as a one-time waitress, I would never ever suggest skimping on tips. These service providers work hard (usually on a tiny salaries) and their paychecks rely heavily on your tips.

The other day, I was appalled when after ordering a heap-load of Chinese food, a “friend” of mine flicked the delivery guy a quarter and closed the door. A quarter. As in twenty-five cents. I literally had to chase down the guy and shove a few dollars at him. When I confronted her, she said she wasn’t sure how much to tip. I called bullsh*t, but it got me wondering if this is a real problem for a lot of people. So in case you were wondering, here is a tipping cheat sheet on who to tip and how much to tip them.

Waiters: Depending on the service, you may feel obliged to leave anywhere from 10% of the pretax bill to well over 20% (if you’re feeling especially generous). Here is the breakdown:

Good service: Did the server refill your drinks without being asked? Did he bring out the food on time? For adequate to good service, a tip of about 15% is expected.
Great service: Did the server remember your 12-party order perfectly… without writing it down? Did she ask the kitchen to burn the top of your macaroni just the way you asked? Was she quick to notice and replaced the dropped fork? If so, maybe you should reconsider the 15% tip and opt for something a little more. She deserved it.
Bad service: Even if the service is terrible, it is customary to leave at least a 10% tip. Maybe the waiter had an off day, but keep in mind that while you are out wining and dining, he is relying on your tips to pay the bills.

Bartenders: At the bar, leave at least a dollar a drink. If you’re out to make a good impression (which totally helps on Thirsty Thursdays when everyone is lining up for drinks) tip $2 for the first drink of the night. While you aren’t required to tip at a private party, remember that this is not the case for open bars. The drinks may be free but the bartender is still working for tips.

Valets: $2 for parking/retrieving your car. This seems a little silly to me. If you’re low on money, why bother with valet? Park your own car and walk a little further- it’s better for your wallet AND your health.

Taxi drivers: NYC taxi drivers are notorious for being terrible, but keep in mind that they make their living doing this. 15% of the total fare should work, granted you make it out of there alive.

Delivery guys: This goes for all deliveries- from pizza to dry cleaning to liquor. Tip them anywhere from $2-$4 depending on timeliness, more if the weather is terrible.

Hairstylist: 20% of the total is usually the standard gratuity, and don’t forget to tip the shampoo girl $2. If more than one person works on your hair (i.e. one person shampoos, another cuts, another colors, etc), leave the tip with the cashier and ask her to split it.

Professionals: Doctors, lawyers, accountants, etc. Really, for what they’re charging, it’d be a crime to ask for a tip as well

The mailman: Can you imagine tipping the mailman every time he hands you a letter? You really only have to open your wallet around the holidays, when a “gift” of a couple dollars (around $20) would be customary.

Flight attendants: No, you do not need to tip them every time they pour you a cup of diet Pepsi. Smile and say thank you.

Waiters and/or bartenders at a private party: You do not need to tip the caterers at a wedding; their gratuity is included in the Host’s package price.

Butlers or maids… in somebody else’s house: Honestly, I don’t know if this advice will ever come in handy. The only personal maid I’ve ever seen (on TV, nonetheless) is Gossip Girl’s Dorothea and she doesn’t accept tips *coughbribes* from anybody, not even Chuck Bass.

Your professors: No. Just no

Lastly, if you really can’t afford to tip, then maybe you should hold off on certain services until you’re willing to pony up the cash. It isn’t fair to anyone and if you keep up the little cheapskate act, you’re going to find one day that the whipped cream on your hot chocolate isn’t really whipped cream.. courtesy of your friend the waiter.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas.

So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

Last weekend I went out to lunch with a male friend. The food was excellent and there wasn’t a dull moment in the conversation, however, when the check arrived (which the waiter was very careful to put in the center of the table, I might add), everything stopped. In the same instant, we lunged for the flimsy sheet of carbon copy, managing only to knock it off of the table for a nearby patron to pick up and hand to him (sexist). My friend proudly held the tab above his head, clearly the victor. He paid and I was stuck with the tip.

The incident got me thinking – when wining and dining, who pays?

It’s an age old question and with each decade comes a new answer. There was a time when the man ALWAYS paid (lest he be called a chauvinist cheapskate) and then a time when the woman physically wrestled the tab from the man (lest he get the upper hand). Nowadays, though, men and women are on a pretty equal playing field.

So, who pays?

Ideally, the person who does the asking should pay.

Now for the reality:

If the date is not really a date, per se, but a casual lunch with a friend, suggest going Dutch. That takes the pressure off of both of you and no one really owes the other person anything. BUT… if you’re going to insist on paying, then you better be ready to pony up the cash. Don’t be the girl who bitches and moans about picking up the tab but never actually pulls out her wallet.

If you’re on a first date and the other person pays, refrain from offering to pay for the next date. You may feel awkward at the moment, but there might not be another date, in which case you’d just make it more awkward for both of you. After the first few times, figuring out who will pay will come much more naturally and you can take turns treating eachother without the guilt. That way, instead of worrying about who’s  paying for the meal, you can occupy your thoughts with who’s taking care of dessert.

I recently had the pleasure and delight of meeting you while I dined during my Spring Break. I had planned on enjoying a simple dinner with friends, so you can imagine what a fabulous surprise it was to discover that you were not only a waiter, but also a career advisor and stock market analyst. At first you played coy by just taking our drink orders and delivering our food. Don’t get me wrong, you did a stupendous job as a waiter, but you didn’t really start to shine until the small talk began.

It started slow – hometowns, hobbies, and colleges. But then we when we got to majors, your true expertise came out. You asked around the table what everyone was studying. Psychology, English, Sociology. Then I said my major, communications. Your mouth dropped open and you threw your tray up into the air.

“Communications!?!?!? There’s no future in that.”

I managed to restrain myself and not get into the real intricacies of my major within my communications school. I clapped my hand over my mouth to stop myself from shouting out, “You’re a 42 year old waiter working at an amusement park. There’s no future in that.”

And everything would have progressed normally from there (minus your lack of a tip), except you felt the need to keep talking. “Now sociology, that’s a solid major, you can go far with that, but communications, aw man, good luck finding a job.” I’m used to people thinking communications is a joke major, but I will absolutely not accept a statement about sociology being a better major for future careers. Unless people-watchers start getting paid, I’m not really sure where exactly that degrees goes besides grad school applications.

But it was my spring break and I was determined not to do anything but stay relaxed. So I let you keep talking as I silently bent a metal spoon in half under the table.

“The market’s so bad right now and it’s not getting better, economy’s in the toilet, you’re never getting a job.” Really? Did you really think that I was unaware of the economic situation right now? I guess you didn’t. Because you put on your CNBC hat and kept talking. By the time I finished my dinner you had informed me that we are in some kind of situation called a recession, I should look into other majors, and my basketball team had a big game tonight. I can’t lie. I did appreciate that final fact. Since the game turned out to be somewhat history-making.

Finally you cleared our plates all on one arm and left. And I appluad you for that. I could never balance more than one plate on my arm, let alone seven. So therefore I would never try to give you advice on your job as a waiter. And in exchange, I would greatly appreciate it if you would stick to dispensing napkins instead of career advice from now on. I know how hard it’s going to be after graduation without everyone from my waiter to mailman telling me.

I’m going to cry into my pillow now.

Best,

Jenni

The guest ref is a beast. Poor Kristy is wrestling Lisa. Sucks for you and your fine ass, Kristy. George camera-insults Jay for his Jersey b1tch attitude. Scotty is the worst for being unable to beat midget Corey Haim.

Glitter shockingly beats Brittany and I’m saddened that George never got a chance to fight.

Winners get a date in a room that was decorated to look like a candy shop, and Tila’s dressed like kiddie porn.

The losers are invited in after the winner date and Tila encourages them to have a food fight. The poor interns who have to clean this up – oh, nevermind. After they are all doused in sugar, they have to clean it while chained together – something about a lack of team work. Um, they wrestled. That doesn’t involve teamwork. Then Kristy makes out with Tila and this is ridiculous.

I guess it’s the next day and Tila’s going to make them tell her who should stay and who should go. This must have happened last season, too. Here’s how it breaks down:

Scotty – I don’t know because Glitter cries. She doesn’t think that anyone should go home. I can’t believe that she leaves her commune to strip and do reality TV. So I don’t know what the group decided with Scotty.

Glitter – she got the overwhelming GO.

Jay – the guys were all GO. I’m with the guys.

George – it was mostly STAY with Jay the Jersey Douche being the only exception. George’s penis will dwarf yours, Corey Haim light.

Brittany – that’s a GO. Boys say GO, girls say STAY. Why are you crying?

Lisa – Overwhelming STAY.

Bo – Overwhelming GO. Wow. Don’t cry, man. Tila’s keeping you around, I promise.

Kristy – Overwhelming STAY.

Lisa gets a free pass for the next elimination. Everyone except for Bo and Lisa are going on a group date by the pool. These dates are so lame because they don’t leave the premises. Glitter “steps it up” by getting naked. Stepping it up always involves some level of nudity. Jay, put your effing clothes on with that shriveled floppy penis. You’re scaring the lesbians. And this straight girl.

Bo gets alone time after the group date. He gets dressed up like he’s a waiter at a catering hall. How long are these dates – 15 minutes? Three hours? How does he kiss when he got a plate surgically implanted in his jaw like eight minutes ago?

Tila puts on her thinking face to make a decision.

Eliminations!

Jay somehow gets the first key, followed by Bo and his plate jaw.

The last three standing are Glitter, Scotty and George. Come on, not again, George.

Glitter is out because she is too emotional. She has so much heart, so much love – so, so many tears and pounds of glitter.

Scotty is going home because Tila only sees him as a friend.

So six remain and I think that Tila will be making the choice between Lisa and Bo.

Next time: tattoos, walking on glass and Tila probably makes them drink a bull semen mudslide because the producers forget that this isn’t “Fear Factor.”

I’m convinced that food service has to be the first circle of hell.

When I was an undergrad, I worked at a local restaurant for about two years until my manager caught me trying to drown myself in a deep fryer (okay, so maybe not. But I sure thought about it). One night during homecoming (also known as our busiest night of the whole freaking year, folks!) this guy asked me for another set of silverware and I told him very genially that he could grab a set from the very next table. I was delivering food to a huge table now, mind you, so I couldn’t very well bend over, pick up the silverware and hand it to this guy.

He looked like I had slapped him and his wife exclaimed “You are so rude! How dare you speak to a man that way!” In my nicest waitress voice, I said, “Well excuse me, I’ve got to get back into the kitchen, where I belong.” and, under my breath, “Don’t choke on your food, now!”

If only I had known about Bitterwaitress.com then! It’s a website where waitresses can go to share their customer horror stories and list their crappiest tippers. There is often the odd encounter with a rude celebrity recounted on the website, too, like this run-in with Dan Marino, who, according to the waitress, tried to charge kids for his autographs.

It’s also a useful website for restaurant goers as well, to hear about their awful fellow patrons and realize some of the thoughtless things that they have been doing as customers.

One of my favorite parts of the site is the glossary, where they define such terms as “Hostess”:

In most cases, the bulimic 19 y.o. woman sleeping with the manager. In some (rare) cases, your greatest ally. In almost all cases, someone who is tipped out unnecessarily because the owner is too cheap to pay her.

and “Check” :

The thing you pay, and on which you tip 20% after tax. Check is a physical object, and not a command to be uttered. It is acceptable to make the pen gesture to request your check. If you have misbehaved, you will often find things added on to it. After all you are only meant to pay it, not to look at it.