I can’t believe I almost missed tonight’s episode of The Hills. The biggest episode of the season! Not only did Whitney get the job at DVF (which was a total shock to me!), but Spencer finally got Heidi drunk enough to marry him!

Good thing she had that random white dress on hand!

I really need to focus most of my attention on the Pratt wedding (because, let’s be honest, there is much to be discussed), but first I must say this: for the first time in the history of The Hills, tonight’s episode made me cry. Yes, laugh at me if you will, but Whitney’s dad was so cute and I couldn’t help but cry when he gave her a goodbye speech. Oh, and I also cried when Whitney got out of the limo at the airport. What was with that flannel babydoll dress? Did she learn nothing since her first day at Teen Vogue??

But none of that matters, because Spencer and Heidi got married. In Cabo. Drunk. I don’t know which part of the evening was worse:

- The fact that Spencer “knows what Patron does to [Heidi]!” and just kept giving her more until she agreed to marry him.

- When Spencer told Heidi, “I’m madly obsessed with you…I pretty much keep you from the whole world.” That guy is seriously one step away from Mark Wahlberg in Fear.

- Or when Spencer told Heidi that she makes him a nicer person. Anyone else want to know what he was like before Heidi? The Joker?

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We are getting so close to the finish line, I can feel it! (And it feels great, considering how crap-tastic this season has been). There are only 4 designers and the big Bryant Park runway show left! Oh wait.

Just kidding.

There is also a wedding gown. And…wait for it…a bridesmaid dress, too! Hahahaha, suckers. You thought all those challenges were done and you were free, but those crazy cats at Bravo had to put you through the ringer one last time.

But I am getting ahead of myself. How can I not talk about Tim’s home visits?! He watches Korto drum in Arkansas, takes a bike ride with Leanne in Portland (and wears a helmet, which pretty much makes up for the entire season), does nothing with Kenley cuz she has no friends or family, and hangs out with the Jerrel crew. It was all very exciting and touching and blah, blah, blah. Read More »

Even McTeeny was McDreamy–and he could juggle!

OMG, it’s so annoying when my wedding dress totally rips apart at the altar

Breaking News: The JoBros continue to get hotter

In a related story, Corey Haim continues in the other direction

Ending a relationship is a lot like last call at a bar

What? A reality show that is funny on purpose?

Sex Fact #5: engaging in any non-missionary sexual position is illegal in DC.

Longing for some jazzy, instrumental theme music–oh, and true love?

Zachery Ty Bryan is still alive–and being tasered

I don’t believe it either, but this dress is made completely out of toilet paper. Talk about easy access on the wedding night; just tear it off. As beautiful as it is, though, I feel like getting married in a roll of TP takes away a bit of the romance, no?

[Photo courtesy of USA Today]