Happy Mother’s Day!

Well, most likely not to you, but to that fabulous woman who pushed your giant head out of their little birth canal raised you, taught you, loves you and continues to support dollar pitcher nights you. She’s pretty fantastic, right? Of course she is, and that’s why she deserves those flowers/breakfast in bed/coupon for a “day free of doing the dishes” because you’re too broke to actually buy her something.

But she’s not the only awesome mom out there. (Duh, have you met mine?) We’ve been exposed to lots of really rockin’ moms in our lifetimes, and CollegeCandy is going to count down the bombest 7.

In no particular order, the 7 moms we’d want as our own (if, you know, we didn’t already have some pretty rocktastic mamas):

Heidi Klum

Not only is she an awesome hands-on mom, but she’s an awesome hands-on mom and does it all. Including walking in ridiculously tall, obscenely gorgeous heels. She produces a TV show, she designs jewelry, she looks smokin’ hot both pregnant and not pregnant (even though we haven’t seen much of the “not pregnant” in the past few years) and despite pumping out a whole litter of children, she still looks way better in a bikini than my never-been-preggers body ever will.

Stiffler’s Mom

OK, so I don’t want her as my mom (ew), but I do wanna be her one day.

Mrs. Nefler

This Beverly Hills diva was dealing with a terrible divorce and still found the time and energy to give up her life of luxury and be her daughter’s Girl Scout troop leader. I know I was praying for her to be my mom when she took the girls to camp out in a hotel, beat those evil Blue Feathers at their own stupid game, and invented that genius camping backpack that doubles as a clothing rack!

Gwen Stefani

Much like Heidi, Gwen is one hot mom. She pretty much reinvented the whole idea of “mom style” (no unflattering butt pockets on this woman’s jeans) and proves that you really can do it all. Plus, have you seen her kids? They’re both well under 5 and way cooler and hotter than I’ll ever be.

Lorelai Gilmore

Come on, did anyone watch Gilmore Girls and not want Lorelai as their own mom? She was so cute and quirky and cool. And she always had hot boyfriends. (OK, so maybe that’s not really a “cool mom” factor, but it’s still true. Girlfriend had it going. on.) Plus, she and Rory had the best relationship (and witty banter!) ever, something every teenage girl wants for her very own.

Mrs. George

Mrs. George: [serving the Plastics fruit drinks] Hey, you guys! Happy hour is from four to six!
Cady: Um, is there alcohol in this?
Mrs. George: Oh, God, honey, no! What kind of mother do you think I am? Why, do you want a little bit? Because if you’re going to drink I’d rather you do it in the house.

Nancy Botwin

Like most moms, Nancy would do anything for her family. Unlike most moms, Nancy’s “anything” includes selling a whole lot of pot. God, I bet those family dinners are awesome.

I know it’s early, stop judging.

This week, in light of the ever-riveting Emmys, I’ve decided to countdown the ten primetime ladies that I wish I could be in real life. Most of them are from currently aired shows, but of course I had to let some of my canceled favorites slip by.

10. Cuddy – House
Who wouldn’t love to work with the ever lovable Dr. House? Cuddy is a complete non-pushover HBIC (look it up) who always looks fierce. And her hair is never out of place! Unlike that awful Cameron. Barf.

9. Lucille Bluth – Arrested Development
Why did this show get canceled? Why? I hope one day to be Lucille when I’m a “Gangy,” dirty martini in hand and Chanel skirt suits never out of place. Hopefully I’ll be slightly less mentally damaging to my family, though. Slightly.

8. Heidi Klum – Project Runway
The only non-fictional character on the list. This one’s a no brainer. Except I’m not sure how I’d go home to Seal every night.

7. Pam – The Office
I’m not a huge Pam fan. In fact, I was totally Team Karen while she was on the show. But, she has Jim Halpert (John Krasinski) and that’s all I need.

6. Buffy – Buffy the Vampire Slayer
I don’t watch True Blood, I don’t care for that Twilight nonsense and I will never, ever believe that there are vampires comparable to Spike or Angel out there. Here’s to the original ass-kicking, vampire slaying valley girl that everyone knows and loves. Without her, this vampire craze probably wouldn’t exist.

5. Blair Waldorf – Gossip Girl
If I can’t be Blair, just let me have her wardrobe. Or her love life.

4. Liz Lemon – 30 Rock
While I adore Toni Collette in the new series, “U.S. of Tara,” Tina Fey was robbed last night. Robbed! I heart Liz Lemon and it would be such a treat to try and wrangle Tracy, Jack and Kenneth on a weekly basis in 30 Rockerfeller Center, no matter how pathetic Liz’s personal life is.

3. Nancy Botwin – Weeds
Who doesn’t love stoned suburbia? Best show ever.

2. Sookie – True Blood
Like I said, don’t watch the show. However, that hottie Bill that I see hanging around the cast pictures? Yeah, okay, maybe I’ll Netflix it.

1. Joan Holloway – Mad Men
I mean, have you seen her?

What TV chicas did I miss? Fill me in!

As Slate’s Daniel Engber reports, a 2007 survey reveals that about 6 percent of Americans between 50 and 59 reported smoking pot in the past year. That means that more baby boomers than ever before are lighting up—and it’s fairly likely that our parents are among them.

Worried? I know I am. Sure, my mom and dad were teenagers in the ‘60s and ‘70s, when pot was as prevalent as ridiculous hairstyles, but it’s weird to think that they ever smoked in the first place—let alone that they might be doing it this very moment. And because I’m at school, I can’t keep tabs on them to make sure that our house is a toke-free zone.

But if any of the following things happen, I’ll know for sure that Mom and Dad are celebrating 4/20 a few months early. Without further ado: 6 Signs That Your Parents Might Be Stoners.

- When your mom and dad come to visit during Parent’s Weekend, all they want to do is sit around and watch Planet Earth in your dorm room.

- For Thanksgiving dinner this year, your mom gives nothing but one giant bag of Cool Ranch Doritos to every guest.

- Dad announces that he and Mom are taking a trip to Jamaica in early February to celebrate Bob Marley’s birthday.

- They start subscribing to Showtime just so that they can get Weeds on demand.

- Your mom sends you a care package with a Tupperware container filled with brownies and a note warning you only to eat one at a time.

- It’s impossible to have a phone conversation with your dad—not because he keeps nagging you, but because he starts giggling hysterically every time you speak.

Any other signs we should look out for?

This past Monday, season five of Weeds premiered on Showtime and reminded me of one of my biggest girl crushes – Mary-Louise Parker – who plays the sassy, snappy California soccer mom turned rebellious drug-dealer on the television mega-hit. Beautiful, talented and unafraid to show off her stuff (Parker posed nude in advertisements for the third season in 2007 and appeared naked in a bathtub in the season 4 finale… not bad for 46 years old!), Mary-Louise has come a long way from her hometown of Fort Jackson, South Carolina.

In addition to earning acclaim as Nancy Botwin, Weeds’s pot-pushing, Mexican-border-hopping protagonist, Parker has demonstrated that she is well suited for the stage. In 2001, she won a Tony award for her Broadway performance in Proof (which was then turned into a movie and snatched up by Gwyneth Paltrow), and she received both a Golden Globe and an Emmy for her work in the HBO miniseries Angels in America. MLP added to her Emmy tally, and added a Screen Actors Guild Award to her resume, for her guest performances on seasons three through seven of the political drama, The West Wing.

In 1996, Parker met and began dating heartthrob actor Billy Crudup, who ended the relationship while Parker was seven months pregnant with their son in 2004. He started dating Clare Danes immediately after the breakup, although he maintains that his decision to dump Parker on her pregnant booty had nothing to do with the beautiful blonde actress. Tom Brady, anyone? Since then, Parker has dated Counting Crows frontman Adam Duritz, actor-director Timothy Hutton, and Weeds co-star Jeffrey Dean Morgan, to whom she was engaged for a few months in 2008.

Mary-Louise Parker will continue to give hope to horny little potheads (and, um, normal 21-year-olds like myself) through 2010, as Weeds is confirmed to run through then. Perhaps she’ll help lead the efforts to legalize the happy green plant in the US?

“I’m really in favor of legalizing marijuana,” she said after accepting her Golden Globe in 2006. “I don’t think it’s that controversial.”

It’s no secret that here at CC, we love Entourage. HBO and Showtime never cease to entertain with shows like Dexter, Weeds, and True Blood, but for some reason, Entourage has always held a special place in our hearts (and no, it’s not just because of this).

Besides the witty and quippy writing, Entourage is almost always hilarious, last night’s episode being no exception (everyone trips on shrooms in the desert and Ari desperately calls Lloyd to get him through his ordeal). The characters are strange yet likeable, and the Hollywood “scene” has never been drawn quite so wackily. So yeah, we love the show. Love it enough to stay up late on a Sunday night or TiVo it to watch immediately after work.

But here’s the thing: there’s pretty much no way to feel good about your body once the credits roll. A show created, produced, directed, and mostly written by men, Entourage is bursting at the seams with “hot” women. I’ve been watching for 5 seasons, and I honestly can’t remember a time when a female character was anything less than absolute runway material.

Everyone has big boobs. Everyone is thin and tall enough to dunk a b. ball like Michael Jordan. It’s like the casting director opened up a Victoria’s Secret catalogue, pointed to every single girl in there, and made sure she got a spot on the show. Like the producers walked around Vegas with Pied Piper flutes and somehow made the entire population of showgirls, strippers, and car models follow them to LA (perhaps they offered them cookies that would eradicate cellulite?).

This got me thinking; Entourage is great and all, but most likely, it’s written with dudes in mind. Most of the guys in Vinny’s group are less than perfect (E’s four feet tall, Turtle looks like one, Drama isn’t hot in the least, and Ari is on the old side), and yet, they get all the vajayjay they could ever hope for from beautiful chicks who disappear from the plot as soon as they’ve served their purpose.

I’m not trying to be a killjoy; it’s obvious that we love hot strippers and girls with big boobs, but WTF?! There’s more women in the US than there are men — shouldn’t we be granted the right to A) see girls who represent more than just the small model percentage, and B) at least a few guys who are super smokin’?!

We wouldn’t dream of getting pissed off at our favorite show (it’s like getting mad at that adorable frat boy for falling asleep on your shoulder after shotgunning 9 beers), but it seems pretty obvious to us that Entourage could certainly improve it’s female following if they took into consideration just how sensitive some of us are to how we’re represented on screen.

What do you think? Should Entourage change it’s ways, or stay just the same?

So, needless to say, TV wasn’t a big part of my childhood. That was fine by me; I spent my time outside and learning how to play guitar.

When I moved out and into dorms at 18, I still didn’t watch TV much. I think there was one in my dorm, but I wouldn’t have noticed either way. It just wasn’t a part of my life. But when I moved in with new roomies in a real apartment when I was 19, everything changed. Not only did we have a TV, but we had every channel (not to mention On Demand and, mmmm, DVR). I learned to love TV.

In fact, I’m watching it right now.

Since I have spent a few years getting to know the ins and out of this tube and the entertainment that it so benevolently offers me, I have noticed that there are some very bad people on TV. And I love lists. So, naturally, I made a list of the worst people on TV.

1. Heidi Montag. You suck. Not only have you clearly devoted your life to looking like Barbie and dating a douchier version of Ken, but you are also retardedly incompetent and talentless. Congrats, Heidi. (Note: Tied for#1 is her douchier version of Ken, Spencer Pratt. Get a job and get out of my life.)

2. Blair Waldorf. You might just be a fiction character, Blair Waldorf (like Heidi isn’t?), but your character blows. You are a very mean girl who has nothing to do with her life. The sad thing is that girls, like my current roommate, think you’re actually someone to emulate. Puke.

3. Celia Hodes. I love the show Weeds, Celia, but you are definitely not why. Your trainwreck of a character is a walking double-standard, an ache in my viewer’s side. Basically, you’re a hot mess. You’re a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad friend, a bad worker. WTF are you good at? I hate you.

4. Carlos Mencia. You are not funny. You are not funny. You are not funny. Not only are you not funny, but you’re annoying. The 15 minutes I once spent trying to get your annoying voice out of my head might have been my worst 15 minutes of my life. Thank you.

5. Ali Lohan. We don’t need another Lohan in our faces. It’s simple. And on top of that, you’re not your sister (though you sure do try). Why don’t you finish high school and then go find a life of your own?

Anyone else who makes you want to claw your eyes out? Elizabeth Hasselback? Oprah Winfrey? Alex Trebek?

[Photo from: seat42f.com]

This wouldn’t be such an uncommon scenario if he didn’t live 1,000 miles away, if kissing him didn’t cost two hundred dollars and seeing him didn’t require vacation time.

But it does. And for that reason, the LDR (or the Long Distance Relationship) is a lot of work. And you have to work at it. While it is wonderful, the LDR sucks so you should be completely and totally sure its right for you. I don’t advocate them.

And we all know our guy blogger Andrew really doesn’t advise them.

In fact, I never imagined I would be in one. But we were right together and right for each other and I couldn’t imagine not being with him.

So, we’re together even when we aren’t together. Seeing each other every five weeks does not a relationship make, which is why even though we should be in our “honeymoon phase”, having sex and wanting to spend every moment together, we’re already having to work on the relationship.

The good folks at CNN also saw the problems that lie within the long distance relationship. In this article, they provided some good (if not a bit obvious) advice that help make the LDR work.

Communicate

Ugh, communication. Sometimes it sucks talking on the phone ALL the time. So many times I would rather just sit next to him and watch a movie rather than sitting on the phone talking to him about it. Despite the fact that I feel like we talk all the time (which I don’t really mind) it helps because I feel like I’m a part of his day-to-day life even if I’m not there every day. Just saying hi in the morning helps me make it through my day.

Tap Your Creativity

Presies only go so far. Not like my beau would send me a mix CD or flowers. But not doing it for weeks on end totally blows. And even more than that sometimes you just want to hold their hand or kiss them first thing in the morning. Apparently, phone sex and webcams are the creative method of choice. I’m still trying to convince my boyfriend of that.

But if you’re really hard up, CNN even suggests sex toys that “allow your lover to control the device from the computer.”

I think I’d rather just do it myself.

Trust Each Other

Don’t be that jealous type of girls. No one likes the jealous type. Trust your guy and he’ll trust you.

Set Goals For Reuniting

Let’s be honest. Being together is what it’s all about. There is no point in being together if you can’t see a point when you will actually be together. If there isn’t a point in the future when you see your lives coming together, it probably isn’t going to work. Long distance won’t work forever.

Keep It Real

When you’re together, don’t always let it seem like a vacation. That’s the problem I’m having right now. It’s fun when you get to go out of town for three or four days, tool around in a house of guys, drink beer and watch The Hills. (Until, of course, they turn football on.) But when you’re together, try to live life like normal people do and do normal people things, so that way when you’re eventually together there aren’t any surprises in the day-to-day.

Let’s face, the LDR is a bitch. Your first few years of college should be about experimenting and experiencing all that college has to offer, which may not include your high school boyfriend.

But when you finally know what you want, when you have dated and dated and finally found that person, sometimes it doesn’t matter how far apart you are as long as you are together. These tips, as obvious as they may be, are central parts to making it work when you are long distance. So if you dare to venture into the murky (and sometimes totally shitty) waters of the LDR, make sure it’s really what you want. And then, give it everything you’ve got.

What’s almost as creepy as a real kiss between Marilyn Manson and Evan Rachel Wood? An onscreen kiss between Mary Kate Olsen and Ben Kingsley who is 42 years her senior. Woof!

MK is making her first real on screen debut in The Wackness starring Josh Peck and Ben Kingsley who play a drug dealer (Peck) and a therapist (Kingsley) that form a friendship.

Olsen is one of the dealer’s clients and in some tangled web ends up in a “passionate scene” with Kingsley. Interesting.

Although I am skeptical of the film and of MK’s real acting skills (I’ve seen every MK&A movie, so I know what has come before) I will probably see it anyways. I mean I harbor a deep love for the Olsen twins. To me, they’re like they’re like the family member you will always love no matter how fucked up they get.

But also, Ben Kingsley is in the film. And with his credentials (best actor Oscar for Ghandi and roles in Schindler’s List and House of Sand and Fog), it is hard to imagine that the movie could be that bad.

This week, MK has made her small screen debut in Weeds (anyone else see a trend in the scripts she’s choosing?) as the bible-toting girlfriend of Mary Louise Parker’s son. So, from God Squad to drug-user Mary Kate is building up her street cred and honing her real acting skills.

I for one am excited to see how the girl progress after her 21st year. And for the fact that maybe I can add some real movies to my current MK&A collection.

Yes, I have a collection.

This season Mary Kate will make her television return, sans sister Ashley, on the hit Showtime series Weeds. Olsen will be playing Tara a Christian girl from a church community called “Majestic”. It is reported that Tara will become the love interest of Nancy Botwin‘s (Mary Louise Parker) son Silas.

Set to appear in 10 out of 15 episodes, it leaves us wondering if audiences are ready for Mary Kate’s solo debut or if the CEOs of Dual Star Entertainment have become a package deal.

By the age of six, while appearing as Michelle Tanner on the hit family show Full House the twins began to look so different audiences were beginning to tell them apart. It was said that Mary Kate was considered to take over the role, but because of their giant fan base and the opposition of John Stamos, both girls remained apart of the cast. Of the two Olsen twins Mary Kate was the innate actress while Ashley mostly cried in front of the camera, intimidated by the set. MK sprung to action and played Michelle in the majority of scenes throughout the nine year series.

A departure from the squeaky clean Olsen image, Weeds should serve it’s purpose, taking MK from a wholesome all American kid star to an adult actress. It is of course a far venture from New York Minute or any of Dual Star’s straight to video releases but Michelle Tanner is all grown up now and ready of course to hit the prop bong and smoke some top of the line oregano.

Recently Kathy Griffin mentioned Mary Kate in her new stand up “Everyone Can Suck It”, apparently the tiny Olsen approached the comedian to declare her love. Kathy, looking around the empty Hollywood hotspot wondered where all of the socialites were hiding. Olsen replied, “It’s early. Give this place 20 minutes and it turns into a celebrity F*@K fest”. Looks like Mary Kate is ready for Showtime after all. You can catch her Weeds debut on the season premiere August 13th.

Theresa Bennett