And if your name is Amy Poehler, I’ll even share dessert with you (and I don’t share dessert with anyone).

I’ve been crushing on Amy hardcore since her early days on SNL. Amy’s quick wit and perfect timing proved once and for all that women don’t have to be ugly or lesbians to be successful comedians, and I tuned in every Saturday night to get my weekly dose of Poehler. She made a name for herself almost immediately, and was probably the only cast member who could fill Tina Fey’s shoes…er…chair on Weekend Update.

But Amy Poehler isn’t just an improv genius; the woman can act and has found herself in some of the best comedies everrr. Remember her infamous role in Mean Girls? How could you not? What about Wet Hot American Summer? Or Deuce Bigalow?  Amy stole the show and put those movies on the top of my “Best Movies to Watch While Stoned” list.  Needless to say, I was ecstatic when I found out about her NBC show, Parks and Recreation. And she didn’t disappoint.

Part of me wants to hate Amy Poehler for stealing my Hollywood boyfriend, Will Arnett, but I can’t. In fact, if I was gonna lose my future hubbie to anyone, I’m glad it was someone as talented, beautiful and effing hilarious as her. I just hope that one day I can get in on that shiz. A threesome with Poehler and Arnett? Probably the only thing better than an Arrested Development marathon.

Ok, so that’s a lie. I don’t usually leave the bar before a 2 a.m. screaming rendition of Like A Prayer. I did begin DVRing SNL, though, and rewinding Weekend Update over and over again. That sh*t is funny and Amy Poehler is the woman I dream to become: funny, witty, successful, blonde, and married to Will Arnett.

So, yeah, SNL has been making me laugh lately. A lot. But last night it made me cry again. Not because it was so unfunny that it hurt (like that Michael Phelps ep.), but because my favorite little lady is leaving the show for good. Amy P. decided it was time to stay home with her new baby (boooo!) and took a little time out of last night’s episode to say goodbye.

It was everything you’d expect from a Poehler goodbye, though the comic relief could not stop my tears. (I know, pathetic.) Let’s just hope this is only a little pause in Poehler’s career and not the end. And that SNL doesn’t start majorly sucking now that she’s gone.

There are virtually no female comedic ensembles who can sell movies like these guys can.

In the stand-up circuit, men generally receive the biggest reception. Recently, I went to a stand-up comedy review that featured twenty comics in one night. Of those twenty, only three women took the stage. Three. WTF?

Women are pretty damn funny, so why don’t we get the same appraisal as men get? Films like Old School put the Frat Pack on the map, while the hysterical chick flick The Sweetest Thing flopped at the box office. The Wedding Crashers cast has people rolling in the aisles, while far too many people have never seen Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz, and Selma Blair sing The Penis Song.

I took this assignment to cover the 5 Funniest Women out there, but quickly realized there is just too much talent to narrow it down so far. That said, what follows is my personal list of five of the wittiest women in the world, along with some honorable mentions. I welcome feedback, comments, and nominations, because I’m sure I’ve missed some ladies that can more than keep up with the boys.

1. Tina Fey

Tina Fey is one of my personal icons, and I give her kudos for becoming Saturday Night Live’s first female head writer. Fey’s writing has earned her a 2001 Writers Guild of America Award for SNL’s 25th anniversary special as well as a 2002 Emmy for the show.

Tina’s script for Mean Girls is distinctive from teen movies in the vein of Can’t Hardly Wait thanks to its satiric critique of high school. I don’t care how old I get; I will probably always find a way to greet someone with “Jambo!”, or a way to work, “Your mom’s chest hair” into a heated argument. Of course, let’s not forget her more recent work on Emmy Award-winning 30 Rock and Baby Mama.

One of my favorite recent Tina Fey bits is the Bitch is the New Black segment from Fey’s recent SNL hosting gig.

2. Wanda Sykes

Some people might equate the sound of Sykes’ voice to nails on a chalkboard, but I think this trait makes her stand out. A longtime colleague of Chris Rock, Sykes served on the writing team for The Chris Rock Show, which was nominated for four Emmys, winning one in 1999. I appreciate Sykes’ ability to add hilarity and sass to supporting roles in films such as Pootie Tang and Down to Earth.

On a personal note, I’ve seen Wanda Sykes’ stand up, and it can hold its own against the likes of male phenom, Chris Rock.

3. Margaret Cho

I think that Margaret Cho is one of the most underrated comedians out there. Her stand up career led to opening acts for Seinfeld and spots on a Bob Hope special and The Arsenio Hall Show. Though she won the American Comedy Award for Best Female Comedian in 1994, this distinction is often overshadowed by her flop sitcom All-American Girl (which I happened to watch religiously for its short cable career). On a side note, I think it’s awesome that Cho has been deputized by the City of San Francisco to perform marriages after same-sex marriage was legalized in California earlier this year. Humor and human rights are a great combination.

If you disagree with my putting Cho on this list, I suggest you watch the video she created with fellow comic Diana Yanez, a viral hit entitled My Puss. Then, Netflix some of her DVDs.

4. Sarah Silverman

I wasn’t impressed with Silverman’s role in School of Rock, but I do applaud her blunt comments at last year’s MTV VMA’s and Movie Awards.

In a couple of days, Paris Hilton is going to jail… As a matter of fact, I heard that to make her feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises. I think it is wrong, too. I just worry she is going to break her teeth on those things

Wow, [Britney Spears] is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old, and she has already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind-blowing.

The real reason that Silverman is on this list is… you guessed it: the little gem of a birthday video presented to then-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. How do you even think of something like this?

5. Ellen DeGeneres

Part of Ellen’s appeal (for me) is her genuine personality. I know, it’s all about humor here, but Ellen can make people laugh just by dancing around the set of her talk show. In the 1980s, Ellen was dubbed “a distaff version of Bob Newhart,” and won the title of funniest person in America (read: person not just “funniest female“).

In the 1990s, I was a fan of her sitcom Ellen, and of course, in addition to being a great show, Ellen and her show had a monumental impact on the Gay Rights Movement, also earning a 1997 Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series for the famous “coming out” episode. During the 90′s, Ellen was often referred to as a “female Seinfeld.”

I’m not usually a fan of talk shows, but Ellen’s sincere humor has earned 10 Daytime Emmy Awards. So, go Ellen, and congrats on finally marrying Portia DeRossi!

Honorable Mentions

I really wanted to include Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph in the top five, but thought my obsession with SNL would make for a biased ‘Top Five’ list. Poehler was the first SNL member to be nominated for a Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Emmy, and has loaned her quirky facial expressions to films such as Wet Hot American Summer, Mean Girls, Deuce Bigalow, Blades of Glory, and, of course, Baby Mama. She was the only one “man” enough to take Jimmy Fallon’s spot on Weekend Update, making her and Tina Fey the show’s first female team to host the segment.

As for Maya Rudolph? Come on! She can play just about any gender and any race. Whether playing Oprah Winfrey, Justin Guarini, Mario Vazquez, Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, Latoya Jackson, and Donatella Versace, Rudolph is always both convincing and side-splitting. Besides: she can freaking sing!

*Leslie Hall is probably a name you’ve never heard. But I highly recommend checking out some of the work from this satirical rap artist from Iowa who also operates a “gem sweater museum.”

*Natalie Portman is not someone you’d think of when you think of comediennes, but her SNL rap deserves some praise.

I know I’ve left out a lot of noteworthy women, but hey, it’s all relative. So if you disagree, feel free to let me know who you would vote for funniest female!

With SNL’s Digital Shorts the only reason people tune in these days, Andy Samberg can do no wrong when it comes to pushing our buttons and making us laugh.

That said, did you see “Iran So Far” yet?? If not, where the hell have you been? Holy crap, Fred Armisen’s dean-on impression of Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is so strangely lovable, especially in that red dress. Samberg’s goofy grin and pseudo seriousness is…refreshing to say the least (ahem, Weekend Update…).

“Iran So Far” is definitely going viral (as much as “Dick in a Box”?) in a big way, but we here at College Candy are getting the ball rolling on causing another one of Samberg’s skits from Saturday night to make a splash on You Tube.

It’s like we wrote it ourselves!

Oh Andy, we love you.