When the grey clouds start becoming a regular appearance in my weather pattern, I always find it harder to get out of bed, harder to smile and harder to step away from the pint of ice cream and brownie sundae waiting in my freezer. It’s days like these when not even Starbucks can cheer me up. So, because I always think ahead, I bought a day-by-day calendar all about being assertive and basically saying “No, thank you” more (but without the ‘thank you’ part).

And by “assertive,” I mean it’s filled with hysterical quotes about how it’s okay to be super-bitchy, because we all have those day/moments/weeks/lifetimes…when we need to insert an extra NO! into one thing or another. Or because we just need an excuse to make fun of the people still wearing leggings as pants.

So to help you out of this grey funk we all are stuck in, here is a weekly dose of the daily bitch. If this can’t encourage you to get out of bed and  go make fun of someone…I’m not sure what will… Read More »

I hate winter. I hate the cold. And I most certainly hate the snow. So it should come as no surprise to you that I am already dreaming of the lazy days of summer ahead. In fact, I don’t even care if they are lazy, I just want them to be warm and sun-filled. Preferably not humid…but I’ll work with it.

As a New Englander you would think I would be one of the many supporters of winter. After all, I used to figure skate and bring my inner tube to the Seven Hills, but somewhere (I blame junior year of college; not sure why) I turned. Maybe it was when I fell in love with all the wonderful things summer had to offer, maybe it was when winter started taking over half of the year. Regardless of the reasoning, I miss summer…and have a horrible case of summer fever.

In the hopes of dragging the rest of you down this long path of Pina Coladas and hot cabana boys, here are the ten things I miss about summer… Read More »

It’s that time of year again…you know, the time when we start making promises to ourselves we know we can’t keep. Like we’ll lose weight, join the gym, stop sleeping with our exes…all because this year there is going to be a new you. A better you. Oh, and you promise to get all As this semester on top of being more social and joining those pre-professional clubs you used to make fun of.

Yeah, we’ve all been there. And we all know it lasts about three weeks in. It’s not your fault, it’s hard to stick to change…especially a lot of drastic changes.

So, to put you on the path to resolution success here are ten ideas that will not only guarantee a positive outcome, but also make you feel a tad better about yourself. Plus, who can say that they actually followed through with their New Year’s Resolution? Read More »

I love giving presents. I love the face people make when opening up the specifically picked gift, hearing the sounds of the wrapping paper tearing. I love the hugs and thank yous, the ‘Oh my god! You totally shouldn’t have (but I’m secretly really really glad you did)’s.

However, I hate the process you need to take to get there. I guess you could say I hate being thrown into a crowd of about 5,376.5 people all on the same mission. It’s like survival of the fittest except the contestants are fatter and will kill you to get the prize.

So, to help every other last-minute shopper out there, here are ten gift ideas that are sure to warm the hearts of the loved ones in your life. Or at least make them wince with an unappreciative ”Yeah, totally love it.” Read More »

As a December baby (December 28th to be exact, yes I do now expect you to send me lots of presents) you would think I would be a fan of snow, or at least of winter. But I am not, and I will tell you why.

Growing up as a kid on the heavier side is not fun, it is especially not fun during winter. First off you had the people that would assume your “extra body heat” will keep you nice and toasty. Those people are idiots. Secondly, cute snow pants are apparently not made in fat kid sizes (or at least not in my day). So while all of the popular girls, the ones who usually ate salad instead of pizza, had adorable pink, purple, and light blue snow pants (matching jackets are a given) I was left with my moms giant overalls in puke green…which were not very flattering when accompanied by my giant white puffer.

There was a brief moment in my life where I did wear the cute snow pants, but they were tight and limited my joy. But, let me just say that winter I was part of the cool girls group. I was also, like, 8.

Although it’s fun to play in the snow, mainly for the rewarding hot chocolate, there are many downsides — frozen boogers and frozen sweat on your feet being my favorite. Plus, now that we are getting older there are even more negatives. So in the spirit of the light dusting of snow we recently got, here are ten reasons snow actually stinks… Read More »

I’m not sure if I mentioned it before, but I’m currently a nanny to an adorable (when sleeping) four-month old baby boy. Before taking this job, two and half months ago, I thought I wanted kids. I now realize I do not want kids, at least not for a really really (huge emphasis on really here) long time.

They are smelly, cry a lot, and think screaming should be some kind of cruel game meant to torture you.

My 12 hour days have become a constant reminder to take precautionary measures when things get heated. No way am I getting stuck with a lumpy chunk-a-lunk while I’m still a kid myself! And yes, I know, kids are precious and should be treasured, all that yaddie yadda junk…but having a kid before you are ready isn’t always the best idea (although I do have friends who have proved me wrong…but they are exceptional cases).

So in lieu of the utterly horrible day I had yesterday, which may or may not involved me crying, here are ten reasons why babies are not my favorite: Read More »

Oh reality TV, how you have gotten me through many a rough patch in my life, many a break up, many a late night binge fest…really any low point in my life. I’ve been with you since the first Real World appeared on MTV, to the horrible escapades of a young Jessica Simpson, I’ve seen it all.

However, in the last year or two you’ve taken a turn for the worst. For instance, how could you let the regular fame hungry people who star in your shows rub elbows with Justin Timberlake…I’m sorry but that just isn’t right. Not one bit.

In hopes to rekindle my love with you, I’ve prepared a list of my favorite old shows, some of which are still on the air. Let us please forget the mistake of letting the Kardashians’ have ten shows, seeing Jon get hair plugs and giving people who spray tan daily their own show. Read More »

Growing up an obese little girl, Thanksgiving was always one of my favorite holidays. I would long for the days when I could sample all of the pies until my heart’s content, eat as much stuffing as I could stuff down and that, my friends, was only the beginning. I think we all know the best part — Thanksgiving leftover sandwiches…just try to keep your drool off the keyboard.

The food, the family, the parade, the mark of the beginning of Christmas…really what more could anyone ask for?

But with all of these amazing things around us (and the promise of half-price shoes the next day) we sometimes forget what Thanksgiving is all about. And I’m not talking about alien pilgrims and alien Indians signing a space treaty (thanks, South Park). It’s a time to take a minute to reflect on everything you are thankful for… Read More »

When I was 10 I used to lock myself in my room and play Barbie for hours. Sometimes it ended in drastic haircuts, other times marriages, but usually with someone’s head being popped off. Although I had a lot of respect for a girl who could rock one of my many failed attempts at an early “Rachel,” I had to admit I was a little jealous. Don’t worry, as a grown up I don’t pop people’s heads off if I’m jealous…I just blink my eyes until they disappear.

Jealous of what you may ask…. her perfect body? No. Her pent house? Not quite. Her unending supply of friends? For any lonely girl in the suburbs probably, but not this one. I was jealous of the whole package. The lifestyle, the glamorous parties I would make her attend, the fact that she never had to change underwear.

All of those hours spent with my (close to) 40 Barbies taught me some life lessons. Or at least things that I should never try or even attempt, ie: taking a walk in Barbie’s shoes. Read More »

I know you are probably sick of CollegeCandy writers telling you to hop on the self lovin’ train (not in the masturbation sense), but I’m having a week of self-hate, so you’re just going to have to grin and bear one more person telling you that you are awesome. Think you can deal?

As of this very second I’m in on of those “between guys” stages. Which shouldn’t be a huge deal, I mean come on I’m successful (as a nanny), I’m fun (my Zumba instructor thinks so), and pretty (at least that’s what my mom says). Maybe it’s because my summer months were full of flings and now the fall lull has set in leaving me alone, or maybe it’s because the heat in my building doesn’t work (but a warm body would). Whatever the reason I’m starting to go down to a deep, dark, horrible, seventh grade kind of place. Read More »