Today’s world is filled with challenging, mundane tasks that are nearly impossible to do. Eating with chopsticks, making toast, holding your laptop, keeping books open… the list goes on and on. Up until today, I had no idea that innovative tools were available to help with these ridiculously hard and boring tasks, but after checking out what the desperate inventors of the world have to offer, I’ve now added at least 20 of these things to my birthday wishlist.

…Except not really. Sure, I could probably use pizza scissors or an umbrella that folds into a purse (because we all know how awkward it is to be the person with the big wet umbrella), and don’t even get me started on how awesome it would be to fall asleep in the mouth of a T-Rex every night, but come on. Flower-shaped egg molds? A plastic handle that hooks onto a soda can? Oh, and my personal favorite, the shark tea infuser, makes it look like a dead fish is floating on top of your drink.

Yes, they’re creative and some of them are pretty useful, but really? REALLY? We’ve gotten to the point where we need easy-to-use chopsticks and slings to hold our heavy (except really not that heavy) laptops? Wow.

Going to college costs a lot of money. And if you pay for it by yourself there is a pretty big chance (like 100%) you’ll leave with a hefty debt. And if you are in college now, there’s a good chance you won’t be able to find a good job to pay off all that debt.

So what if someone offered to pay for all of your tuition? AND, on top of that, gave you $200 a week? What would you do for that kind of money? Would you agree to any terms? Would you, I dunno, let some guy spank you whenever he pleases for four years?

I can’t believe I just typed those words.
I also can’t believe I’m about to type the following words…

Henry Allen Fitzsimmons, a 54-year-old man, paid for three college women’s tuition AND an allowance in exchange for letting him spank them whenever the women broke the “Spencer Plan” rules.

[Crickets]
[Sound of dry heaving]

………

Um, I know at some points I was desperate for money during school, but… uh… not sure if I ever got that desperate.

An English house cat has taken to breaking into neighbor’s homes and stealing children’s underwear.  Michelle Duggar better keep that cat out of her hamper if she wants to hang onto her Mother of the Year Award.  Yeah, apparently some people think having nineteen kids is something to which we should all aspire. (I, however, can’t help but think about what her lady parts look like now….) Just make sure your hubby wants to stick around and change all those diapers.  Scientists released a new test that can predict the success rate of your relationship.

Also, the recent collapse of a dam in China may have fast-tracked the creation of a Water World inspired resort.  Might be cool, but it makes me think of the scene in Kevin Costner’s movie (of the same name) where he drinks his own pee.  Over at German Fashion Week bald, bearded models were the most compelling trend.  One artist was inspired to try the look herself, saying the facial hair actually enhanced her sense of femininity.

Thoughts?

Okay, so I admit it. Sometimes, when I babysit, I totally go into the fridge and eat some food.

And every once in a while, I let the kid stay up past his bedtime, because, I mean, making them go to sleep when the sun is still up is just wrong.

I may not be an angel of perfection when it comes to taking care of other people’s kids, but at least I don’t get them stoned.

Earlier this month, a 15-year-old Florida girl was arrested and charged with felony child abuse after smoking a joint around the little kid she was babysitting—and posting a picture of it on MySpace.

The girl (who’s name is being withheld by authorities because of her age and massive stupidity) was charged as a juvenile and released into her parents care after the arrest, but the possibility that the state attorney’s office will charge her as an adult later is quite high (haha. Get it?). Read More »