Miss Dakota Fanning’s Cosmo cover caused a bit of a stir because she’s not quite 18, but I really didn’t see the issue, considering they made this gorgeous, youthful, vibrant girl look like an overworked 45 year old soccer mom who got dragged to this photo shoot after staying up all night with her vomiting toddler. Definitely one of the least flattering covers I’ve seen as of late.

I haven’t picked up an issue of Cosmo since, like, 2007, but I still felt an intense sense of deja vu while flipping through it. I am amazed at the way they can regurgitate the same sex tips over and over and over again.  Did you know that guys like when you stroke them and suck them at the same time? That they love both girl-on-top and doggy style for their respective views? Unreal, right? And their “too naughty to print on the cover” tip? Is an acrobatic version of 69. Thrilling. (Although maybe I should be grateful that it wasn’t anal. *yawn*)

My favorite article was definitely the one that highlights the questions men really want to ask on a first date. Oh, how I love getting insight into total sleazeballs.

Cosmo says: How many dates do we have to go on before we agree to split the bill?
Jasmine says: I really don’t understand why this issue is so contentious. The person who did the inviting should make an offer to pay. If you make it to a second date, you should be able to casually be like “Hey, how do you want to split this?” Because, you know, assuming you’re an adult, it shouldn’t be a big deal.

Cosmo says: Do you like performing oral sex?
Jasmine says: Snooze. How about wondering how she likes receiving it?

Cosmo says: How high-maintenance are you from a scale from 1-10?
Jasmine says: Because all women are intrinsically high-maintenance and impossible to please, am I right?

Cosmo says: Are you on birth control?
Jasmine says: The fact that there are men out there who refuse to acknowledge that condoms exist, and that they can be used by them never fails to disgust me.

Cosmo says: Do you talk to your ex?
Jasmine says: Isn’t the more relevant question “Do you still want to be with your ex?”

Cosmo says: Are we going to have sex tonight?
Jasmine says: You know what, I wish people would talk openly and honestly about sex upfront. It would be nice to know ahead of time if you’re going to be boning a hitter-and-quitter, stage-5 clinger, or a waiting-for-marriage outlier.

But I have no idea what makes a woman bad in bed. Can a woman be bad in bed? Could I be bad in bed? I started to develop a complex after a male friend of mine told me he had faked orgasms…on multiple occassions! Guys fake orgasms? Could a guy have been faking with me?

OMG! WHAT IF I AM BAD?!

I turned to my male advisor for the answers. (Note: I did try and convince him that it was “my friend” who was worried, but we all know it was neurotic, self-conscious me.)

I really wanted that to be true, but knowing how much people talk about “the number” I had some doubts that anyone would find a guy who would ignore it completely. Clearly people care about the issue – why else would everyone keep track?

I turned to my male friends for some insight: should I worry about how many people I have slept with? Do guys care about my number?

He Said:

What’s in a number? Well, when talking about past partners with your special someone, it’s how many penises have been inside your girlfriend, that’s what. Who she’s slept with is just not a good thing to think about. But does it really matter?

Personally, I could care less. Not that her sexual history isn’t important, but assigning value to the number itself is arbitrary and basically meaningless. As long as I’m not at risk of catching something (which should be confirmed in an entirely different conversation, btw), I don’t see how the number of people makes any difference in our relationship.

That said, I empathize with those of you for whom it does matter. If your girl tells you she’s slept with 10 guys, it feels like she slept with them the night before, not years. Just the thought of her with another person can make you want to puke. That’s only natural–but it’s also foolish.

In the past, if I found out the girl I was seeing had sex with more people than me, it wretched my stomach with jealously. But then I realized that it wasn’t how many people she’s slept with that matters, it’s how she felt about doing the deed(s).

My girlfriend could have had a bukake party in a warehouse in Cleveland and it wouldn’t bother me, as long as she did so with a clear mind and full confidence in herself. Not that I would enjoy the thought. But if she did it because her ex wanted her to, or because she was f**ked up on drugs or because her self-esteem was so low she thought it was the only way to get men to pay attention to her, that would freak me the hell out.

It would freak me out because I find that kind of behavior untrustworthy. If she doesn’t have respect for herself, I believe it’s impossible for her to have real respect for me. Problem is, finding out those kinds of details can be nearly impossible–and it’s all about the past, not the present or future. So instead of asking how she felt at the time about an activity that makes me uncomfortable, I ask how she feels about doing it (or them) now.

If she’s ok with herself and her past, then her “number” shouldn’t be a big deal for you. And if her answer still makes your cringe, you need to get your jealously under control.

She Said:

If all guys are like this guy, then maybe everyone can stop freaking out about all that fun between the sheets. There are so many factors that contribute to “the number” – duration of relationships, age when someone lost their virginity, how old someone is now, etc. – that it is really impossible to judge.

And what number is too high? And who are you to make that decision?

I don’t know if everyone is going to disregard their partner’s sexual history, but they should (unless that partner has some interesting bumps brewin’ downtown). The point is, the whole number thing is irrelevant and inconsequential. What happened in the past is the past. Your partner is with you now, so stop overthinking things and enjoy yourself.