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Sometimes, when I’m really bored and don’t feel like dealing with the pile of work on my desk, I look up recipes for chocolate cake.

In real life, I’m not much of a cook, but in my fantasy life (you know, where I’m married to Christian Bale and own a giant mansion and can ran a half-marathon in 4 inch heels?), I am a f&*cking fantastic baker.

And there really isn’t anything in this life that’s better than a bite of amazing chocolate goodness (except maybe sex. But I mean…the jury’s still out on that one).

It seems like today is one of those days where I am PMSing to the max refuse to be responsible and instead want to drown myself in whipped cream fantasy. The recipe I’m about to share with you I actually experienced, and let me just say, I almost had to excuse myself it was so good.

Plus, it’s easy. No Food Network experience required!

Easy Fudge Pudding Cake

Cake:
* 1 cup all-purpose flour
* 2 teaspoons baking powder
* 2 tablespoons cocoa
* 1/4 teaspoon salt
* 3/4 cup granulated sugar
* 1/2 cup milk
* 2 tablespoons melted shortening
* 1/2 cup chopped pecans
* 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Sauce:
* 1/2 cup granulated sugar
* 1/2 cup brown sugar
* 1/3 cup cocoa
* 1 cup hot water

Bake:

1. Sift flour with dry ingredients

2. Stir in milk and shortening. Then add pecans and vanilla.

3. Mix until well combined then pour into a generously greased 8 x 8-inch square pan.

4. Combine sauce ingredients; pour over cake batter.

5. Bake the cake in a preheated 350 degree F. oven for 40 minutes. Set on a rack to cool slightly (do not remove the cake from the pan). The fudgy, gooey, delicious sauce will end up on the bottom of the pan.

6. Cut (or just dig in with a fork) and serve hot or cold.

[Recipe courtesy of a long Saturday afternoon on About.com)

[I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the epitome of prim and proper- heck, who really is nowadays? But looking around at the misguided youths of today *ahem drinking buddies*, I’m starting to think that Miss Manners might have been onto something.

While you may never need to know how to greet a duke or how to tell which fork is REALLY the oyster fork, knowing how to deal with people whom owe you money, how much to tip, and how to address the ever annoying licorice-in-teeth conundrum without being rude might actually come in handy in the real world. I'm not trying to be your mother - oh goodness, no - I'm just here to help you out of those little etiquette dilemmas. So here goes: a quick lesson in etiquette. The sh*t you might actually need to know.]

I know that times are tough. The economy is in the dumper and our wallets are just getting emptier and emptier. These days it seems like I can’t turn a corner or walk into a bar without having to pay somebody something. Though I know it’s hard to choose between blowing your last dollars on another pitcher of beer or tipping the bartender, as a one-time waitress, I would never ever suggest skimping on tips. These service providers work hard (usually on a tiny salaries) and their paychecks rely heavily on your tips.

The other day, I was appalled when after ordering a heap-load of Chinese food, a “friend” of mine flicked the delivery guy a quarter and closed the door. A quarter. As in twenty-five cents. I literally had to chase down the guy and shove a few dollars at him. When I confronted her, she said she wasn’t sure how much to tip. I called bullsh*t, but it got me wondering if this is a real problem for a lot of people. So in case you were wondering, here is a tipping cheat sheet on who to tip and how much to tip them.

Waiters: Depending on the service, you may feel obliged to leave anywhere from 10% of the pretax bill to well over 20% (if you’re feeling especially generous). Here is the breakdown:

Good service: Did the server refill your drinks without being asked? Did he bring out the food on time? For adequate to good service, a tip of about 15% is expected.
Great service: Did the server remember your 12-party order perfectly… without writing it down? Did she ask the kitchen to burn the top of your macaroni just the way you asked? Was she quick to notice and replaced the dropped fork? If so, maybe you should reconsider the 15% tip and opt for something a little more. She deserved it.
Bad service: Even if the service is terrible, it is customary to leave at least a 10% tip. Maybe the waiter had an off day, but keep in mind that while you are out wining and dining, he is relying on your tips to pay the bills.

Bartenders: At the bar, leave at least a dollar a drink. If you’re out to make a good impression (which totally helps on Thirsty Thursdays when everyone is lining up for drinks) tip $2 for the first drink of the night. While you aren’t required to tip at a private party, remember that this is not the case for open bars. The drinks may be free but the bartender is still working for tips.

Valets: $2 for parking/retrieving your car. This seems a little silly to me. If you’re low on money, why bother with valet? Park your own car and walk a little further- it’s better for your wallet AND your health.

Taxi drivers: NYC taxi drivers are notorious for being terrible, but keep in mind that they make their living doing this. 15% of the total fare should work, granted you make it out of there alive.

Delivery guys: This goes for all deliveries- from pizza to dry cleaning to liquor. Tip them anywhere from $2-$4 depending on timeliness, more if the weather is terrible.

Hairstylist: 20% of the total is usually the standard gratuity, and don’t forget to tip the shampoo girl $2. If more than one person works on your hair (i.e. one person shampoos, another cuts, another colors, etc), leave the tip with the cashier and ask her to split it.

Professionals: Doctors, lawyers, accountants, etc. Really, for what they’re charging, it’d be a crime to ask for a tip as well

The mailman: Can you imagine tipping the mailman every time he hands you a letter? You really only have to open your wallet around the holidays, when a “gift” of a couple dollars (around $20) would be customary.

Flight attendants: No, you do not need to tip them every time they pour you a cup of diet Pepsi. Smile and say thank you.

Waiters and/or bartenders at a private party: You do not need to tip the caterers at a wedding; their gratuity is included in the Host’s package price.

Butlers or maids… in somebody else’s house: Honestly, I don’t know if this advice will ever come in handy. The only personal maid I’ve ever seen (on TV, nonetheless) is Gossip Girl’s Dorothea and she doesn’t accept tips *coughbribes* from anybody, not even Chuck Bass.

Your professors: No. Just no

Lastly, if you really can’t afford to tip, then maybe you should hold off on certain services until you’re willing to pony up the cash. It isn’t fair to anyone and if you keep up the little cheapskate act, you’re going to find one day that the whipped cream on your hot chocolate isn’t really whipped cream.. courtesy of your friend the waiter.

I love food.

I also really love sex.

What can be better than enjoying my two loves at the same time? (The answer is: nothing). That is why I have compiled a list of sex-edible items – some conventional, some a little less so – for your holiday enjoyment. Disclaimer: I have not personally tried all of these, so you may want to try them out on a stain-proof surface such as a tarp or your grandmother’s plastic-covered couch. I’m just sayin’.

Whipped Cream

Pro: It’s a simple, fun, classic sex food that leaves minimal mess.

Con: Too much consumption may give you or your partner a tummy ache.

Hot Fudge

Pro: It’s warm, gooey, and absolutely delicious.

Con: I tried Hershey’s syrup once, and it stained my sister’s sheets. Also, it takes an unusually high number of licks to get it off your partner’s body. You can decide if that’s a good or bad thing.

Sushi

Pro: It’s easy to pop in your mouth and doesn’t leave much behind. Plus, Samantha tried it in the Sex and the City movie, which is just cool.

Con: Two words: fish smell. And there’s always the looming possibility of food poisoning if you leave it out too long.

Candy Jewelry

Pro: Having your partner nibble on your neck – or thigh, if you wear it as a garter – is always a good time.

Con: There are limited locations where candy jewelry can be placed. At least until they patent my friend Jordan’s invention of candy-clasped bras and underwear (genius, right?).

Ice Cream

Pro: Temperature sensations are always good, especially cold ice cream in a warm room. And you can pick any flavor you want!

Con: Sticky icky icky. And once it melts you have no idea which direction it’ll run.

Hershey’s Kisses

Pro: They’re delicious and they melt in your mouth, not on your bod. Make a trail with them and find your way back, Gretel. (Not exactly bread crumbs, but they work.)

Con: Candy (and other) wrappers leave a lot of evidence.

Cookie Dough

Pro: Everybody loves cookie dough. Also, you can chill or warm them up depending on your temperature preference.

Con: Like sushi, food poisoning may be a risk. Salmonella, anyone?

Frosting

Pro: It’s sweet, spreadable, and lickable. This is the top of my list to try over the holidays.

Cons: Like anything else sweet, it may be sticky. You may just have to take a shower afterwards. Now that I think of it, that may be more of a pro than a con….

What better way is there to celebrate than with a delicious, Grandma-worthy pumpkin pie? This one looks, tastes and smells like the real thing and you’ll get it done (and impress your friends and family) in 5 steps:

You Will Need:

1 frozen 9″ pie crust

1 can of Pumpkin (not pumpkin pie filler!)

1 can of sweetened condensed milk

2 eggs

1 and a half teaspoons of cinnamon

1/2 tsp. salt

3/4 tsp. of ginger

3/4 tsp. of nutmeg

Preheat your oven to 425.

In a large bowl, mix all of your ingredients.

Pour into the pie crust.

Bake 15 minutes, then reduce heat to 350 and continue baking for 35 minutes.

When your pie is done (A toothpick should come out clean if you stick it into the center), remove it from the oven and let it cool for 10-15 minutes.

Slice that bad boy up and top it with some whipped cream. Pour yourself a glass of your fave apple cider (spiked or not, depending on how festive you’re feeling) and devour sweet autumn deliciousness.

[head photo from canadianwinter.ca]

But this doesn’t need to be the case! One of the creamiest, tastiest variations of the frozen mudslide is perfect for holiday parties…or simply to satisfy a simultaneous craving for booze and pumpkin pie.

You need:

*1 can of pumpkin pie filling

*vodka

*Bailey’s Irish Cream

*milk

*ice

*whipped cream

*cinnamon

*a blender

It’s so easy, yet you’re sure to impress all of your friends by introducing them to this festive autumn libation. Simply fill the blender with ice and pour in 2 oz each of vodka and Bailey’s. Add a heaping scoop of pumpkin pie filling, and fill the rest of the blender with milk. Blend it up and serve in a hurricane glass, topped with whipped cream and sprinkled with cinnamon. It’s smooth, creamy, and tastes just like Thanksgiving dessert.

Delicious!

And so, I bring you a ridiculously easy Yogurt Mousse to curb that sweet tooth without giving up on the flava.

What you will need:

½ cup plain nonfat yogurt

½ cup light Cool Whip

1 capful flavored extract of your choice (Vanilla or almond are great, lemon and orange aren’t bad if you’re craving fruit)

Sprinkle of Sweet and Low to taste

How to do it:

Mix all ingredients in a bowl and add Sweet and Low as desired (if desired at all). Yeah, it’s that easy.

Mix it up:

If you want it lighter and fluffier, add more whipped cream. Feeling adventurous? Add sliced/chopped berries to the mix, or go with a flavored yogurt rather than using extract. To make this even more delicious, pop a bowl of the mix in the freezer. If you want a little pie, buy a pre-made graham cracker crust (or make your own) and spoon this mixture in it, then freeze until hard.

It’s quite literally mouthwatering.

[Image courtesy of photobucket.com]

Then came weekends, when my hungover ass would stumble out of bed in search of aspirin, water, and food. I was craving a homemade meal. I usually got…like, Saltines or something. So leave it to science to come up with the best thing ever created when it comes to both eating and being lazy.

Spray Pancakes!

You guys, it’s like that spray cheese crap your mom would never buy because “it wasn’t real food”! It’s like whipped cream only you can chew it! It’s the future!

If you’re like me you probably want to see it in action, so here you go. Prepare to be amazed:

But on those hungover mornings, try not to mix it up with your Reddi-Whip…I imagine that batter isn’t good for aching stomachs.

But it’s so hard to find a restaurant that does it right. Unless you’re in Florida, ordering a piece of key lime pie off a menu is basically asking your waiter to dig something rock hard out of the freezer and stick it in a microwave.

Unless you take your key lime in a shot glass.

Usually, I’m not too keen on mixing lime juice and milk products, but the measurements in this recipe are proportionate enough to keep your stomach from souring.

Celebrate the looming last days of summer with this exotic shooter.

Key Lime Pie Shot

• 1 oz vodka

• lime juice (to taste)

• whipped cream

Pour a small amount of lime juice into your shot glass. Top it off with the vodka. Put a tiny burst of whipped cream on the top. Lean back and shoot!

…but always remember; a little whipped cream on your face is cute, loads of the stuff all over your drunk self while you dance on the bar…not so cute.