But I was wrong. There is something worse. Way worse. And his name is Masanobu Sato.

Not familiar with Mr. Sato? Well, you should be. This guy just won the 9th annual Masturbate-A-Thon. Yes, that really exists. And yes, Masanobu lasted a full 9 hours and 58 minutes.

Nine hours and fifty eight minutes! Of masturbating. Sato set the world record last year -a paltry 9 hours and 33 minutes- but beat it (pun intended) this year with a little extra training. For real. Apparently he worked long and hard (tee hee) to build up his endurance. Whoever said “no pain, no gain” was obviously not training for this sort of event.

But with all that glory comes a price. That poor guy is never gonna get laid – just imagine what your neck would feel like after a night (and day) in bed with him. I’ll stick to my drunk guys, thankyouverymuch.

From all of us at CollegeCandy, have a lovely/rockin’ St. Patty’s Day! Just don’t forget the rules.

St. Pat’s is the holiday that has never been sugar-coated with false meaning or wholly commercialized by Hallmark (sure greeting cards exist, but who really gives them?).  So make sure you embrace your inner Irish and do it up right on March 17.

1.  The Booze.

To throw a full-on Irish bash, you have to have an appropriate alcohol selection.  Well, what do you know? GoIreland.com happens to have a handy list of the most popular libations of the Emerald Isle, in case you’ve never heard of Jameson or Guinness.

Make sure you bar is stocked with whiskey, irish cream, and the beer they call “a meal in a can,” but don’t neglect some other favorites.  Other popular beers include Murphy’s Stout, Kilkenny, and Smithwick’s.  Cider is also a favorite.  If you’re a perfectionist, you might try to get your hands on some Meade or Poitín.

But perhaps I’m getting ahead of myself.  We are college students after all – mix up some Green Appletinis and make a few trays of lime Jell-O shots, and you won’t hear any complaints.  Really want some green magic to happen? Try to get your hands on the ultimate green liquor, absinthe, and let the green fairy fly.

2.  The Music.

Dropkick Murphy’s are always a good choice.  U2, the Cranberries, Flogging Molly, or Thin Lizzy will also get people into the Irish spirit.  Once the Jameson lowers your guests’ inhibitions, you may want to throw on some Irish Step tunes and see who clears enough space to perform what they call a “Riverdance” routine.

Oh, but don’t neglect the ever-popular Irish drinking songs.  CelticMP3s.com offers a variety of websites and downloads to browse, but you can also order The Holy Grail of Irish Drinking Songs from Amazon.  Or, ya know, just search for “Finnegan’s Wake” on iTunes.

3.  The Food

Corned beef and cabbage or baked potatoes! On second thought… maybe take the Americanized St. Pat’s route here and put out chips with guacamole and green cupcakes or something.

4.  The Games

Make up silly drunken limericks.  Place everyone’s name in a hat, and pass it around.  Make everyone try to make a limerick out of the name of the person whose name they chose.  It might be hard for names like Elizabeth, but anyone who’s seen a particular Seinfeld ep will be oh-so-glad they invited Dolores to the party.

If you can’t get everyone to focus long enough to be creative and rhyme stuff, play Irish Quarters. Basically, you spin a quarter and then chug beer until the quarter stops.  There are no winners in this game. And we all lose the next morning.

For all the heavyweights in the room, take the Irish Roulette challenge. Everyone lines up a shot and rolls a dice.  The lowest number drinks.  In the event of a “tie,” it’s a social. Be careful with this one, friends.

5.  The Decorations

Um, are you kidding me? Green everywhere.  Shamrocks too, and maybe a pot of gold if you really want to go all out.

Be creative this St. Patrick’s Day.  Think of all the festive ways you can celebrate, because after this holiday, what do we have? Easter? That’s the last holiday to succumb to serving as an excuse for collegiate binge-drinking.  Besides, it’s the only day of the year you can use the pick-up lines, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” (whether you really are, of course is a different story), “Show me your shamrocks!” or, “Hey, are you a leprechaun? Because you make me want to get lucky.” Okay, no, maybe not.

But seriously folks, do stay safe on this holiday, as with every other.

The Irish have a saying: An Irish man is never drunk, as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass and fall off the face of the earth.

I don’t care if you just flew in from Dublin.  Your tolerance is NOT that high.

I know! I’m shocked too.

I don’t know about you ladies, but from my experience, getting it on with a drunk guy has always been devoid of satisfaction. Either the  guy is done and snoring after 3.5 seconds, or he’s still going (and going and going) without much success long after I’ve lost interest. And then there was that time he puked…

But science is science and this study shows that 30% of men who drank had fewer problems during sex. Even those obnoxious belligerent drunks had less problems with E.D.

Have I been hooking up with the wrong guys, or what!?

I guess it all makes sense, though; I know alcohol always makes me feel a little more adventurous in bed. God knows I wouldn’t end up in a handstand during sex if I were sober. Hell, I wouldn’t even have sex with the lights on if alcohol weren’t involved.

I guess offering guys just one more beer before heading home for a romp session is the best way to guarantee some pleasure. In fact, maybe I should keep a little beer stocked in the mini fridge next to my bed. You can never be too prepared.

I am a Cosmo devotee. Have been since I started stealing my mom’s when I was twelve. I am amazed monthly by the hair, the witty captions, and their never ending innovation of synonyms for the word penis. Many of my friends, acquaintances, relatives and sisters swear by Cosmo as their Bible (and for the most part I do too). But there are some times (well…many times) when Cosmo’s take on real world situations is – in a word – whack.

I will still accept their declarations of lip gloss superiority like they were handed down from the divine, but when it comes to their interpretation of all things men (or at least all things greatly generalized and stereotyped), I think I’ll be reading with a grain of salt handy.

And I’ll pass that grain onto you. With every passing month and, in turn, every new “Secret Sex Fantasy Guys Won’t Tell You!” revealed, I will be here to break it all down for you. I will find the truth buried deep between the unsafe sex positions and “things he secretly loves you for,” so you don’t end up with a stiff neck, an angry boyfriend or some seriously embarrassing sexcapades.]

This month, Cosmo did a damn good job at publishing articles that were, for the most part, interesting, non-redundant, and (my fave) THEMED! I mean, yeah it’s expected, but Feb’s issue had more V-day tips, lingerie ideas and suggestions than you could shake a stick at…and I still logged onto their website to check out all the extra stuff they promised. I couldn’t have asked for anything more (except for a coupon for 1 free Victoria’s Secret ensemble for the 14^th).

But, since it is Cosmo, there was bound to be some advice that you just read and think “Seriously?” This month’s issue delivered that little nugget in the form of its “His Point of View,” courtesy of the Man Manual. At first, I thought this article had been misplaced and was really one of Cosmo’s hilarious “If Guy’s Edited Cosmo” pieces. Unfortunately, the female editors must have let Jonathon Wilde really edit “The Best Times to Impress Him.”

When His Buddy Gets Dumped

Cosmo says: “If your guy’s male pal gets the ax…he has only one job: to help get the dude laid. So give your man the green light to spend more time than usual acting like a wingman.”

Kari says: Uh, in your dreams! First of all, getting his friend’s wallowing ass laid is not going to immediately fix everything, but way to trivialize guys’ emotions (as usual) and suggest that everything will be all better with a little bootay. Second of all, guys out on the prowl + unidentified amount of whiskey + serious lack of common sense or girlfriend cannot end well. There are plenty of men out there who tend to assume a pack mentality, and if their bros are hooking up…

During An Argument

Cosmo Says: Since women are way better at arguing than men, let your guy off the hook whenever you have a disagreement. Instead, do as this awesome girlfriend did and say, “Enough yelling, let’s figure this out over a beer.”

Kari Says: Yes, because alcohol is the perfect way to diffuse a heated situation. On a serious note, though: why should I dismiss an issue that I obviously feel passionately about just because it makes you uncomfortable to discuss it? Furthermore, just because I’m gifted with inherent and badass verbosity doesn’t give you an excuse to be a whiny a-hole about losing arguments (that you’d probably lose even if you were talented at arguing.) I mean, you don’t see me insisting on driving because I’m jealous of your superior spatial reasoning skills. Pssh, with excuses so weak, no wonder why you don’t want to argue with us.

The Session After a Bad Bedroom Session

Cosmo Says: Disregard that time it didn’t go so well, smooth it over by awaiting your man in lingerie and never speaking of it again!

Kari Says: Ok Cosmo, when I was 11 you taught me that the most important part of any relationship was communication. Of course, my then boyfriend Danny didn’t grasp this concept and I immediately dumped him (I’ve always taken your word as law!). So why on Earth should we break the rules now, especially when we’re talking about another key aspect of any bond? I’m not saying that you should dissect what went wrong or draw a diagram for him or anything, but I think it deserves a little discussion, especially if it’s never happened before. That way you can figure out just why the nooky was so lame and happily move on from there.

When He’s Had a Triumph at Work

Cosmo Says: “Guys base a lot of their self-esteem on how they perform at the office. Get excited when he kicks ass at work and it makes him feel really manly.”

Kari Says: Agreed! Every guy deserves props when he’s done something good. (I mean, I love to call my boyfriend and tell him when I got a good grade so we can virtually high-five.) The best part of having a partner is having someone to share your emotions with, especially when they’re happy, “I rock!” emotions. But why stop there? Be proud of your guy even when he does little things that he’s proud of. Using every single day as an opportunity to impress him goes a lot farther than waiting for his bro to get dumped or for his equipment to malfunction.

So what did you think about this month’s Cosmo? Rants? Raves? Obsessed with those Havianas on page 57? Good, me too.

Embracing your sexuality is…well, sexy!

World’s most AMAZING balm…just look.

Our next First Lady on the cover of Vogue…wow!

A BritneyJustinMadonna threesome?! It’s not what you think

Dave Chapelle sitings! Is he making a come back?!

Don’t like the outcome for Prop 8? Don’t pay taxes, like Melissa Ethridge.

I’m not big on whiskey…but if you are, here you go.

We’ve all been there…here’s how to avoid that horrible food coma.

Music heals all…here’s a list to get you through this financial EFF UP we are going throuh.

That guy you brought home last night? Let’s just say he wasn’t lookin’ so good this morning. Not only do you not want to have to experience that face again, but the thought of marching this turd past your roommates is making your stomach churn (or is that the whiskey?).

Well, you don’t have to. Not with The Ugly Bag. Just throw that sh*t over his head and you are home free. And at a measly $1.85 you are gonna wanna stock up. You know… Welcome Week is coming.

And then…the morning sets in.

Hellooooo hangover.

What the hell? Why create something so great that turns into something so…painful? If only there were shots out there that would be totally delicious and wonderful but not cause my room to spin/head to pound/body to crave bacon the next morning.

Good news!

I know you won’t believe me when I tell you this, but there are! Just read on, little ladies.

Frosting shots, the newest wave to hit the bakery scene since the cupcake made its return, are here! Sure, they aren’t quite the same as your favorite barside beverages, but they are small, delicious and make you feel super-dee-duper the next morning. No hangovers here – just sugary bliss.

There IS a god.

My roommate and I have been experimenting with the pants-free lifestyle for many months now. It began in January when one early Friday evening we were sitting on the couch watching Scrubs reruns, harnessing our chi for a night out on the town.

Me: I don’t wanna wear pants tonight, dude.

My roommate: Yeah man, f*ck pants.

Half an hour later, we emerged from our respective bedrooms, me in a tank top and some sort of shorts/panties half-breed, her in what can best be described as beach loungewear. We threw on our jackets and headed out to the club, where we proceeded to drink whiskey and diets and shake what our mammas gave us until we were so pleasantly exhausted and sweaty we could barely stand any longer and had to call it a night.

The point of this little anecdote? By choosing to forego pants, my roommate and I ensured that we would have a fun evneing. If we had been so foolish as to wear, say, skinny jeans or perhaps high-waisted wide-leg trousers or some other wintry-style clothing garment out that evening, there’s no way we could have enjoyed ourselves to the degree we did. We would have felt restricted and gotten sweaty and would have never stayed until the late-night DJ came on and started busting out old-school James Brown jams. Instead of having a glorious evening, we would have had a low-key, mediocre evening, because pants ruin fun. Period.

There are a number of reasons as to why pants suck so hard. For one, they’re an unnecessary product dreamed up by the fashion marketing powers that be for the sole purpose of making money; the Sweetest Day of the garment world, one might say. Evidence?

Way back in prehistoric times, when people showered in water expelled from the trunks of wooly mammoths and lived lives governed by necessity, there were no pants. Our efficient and resourceful ancestors wore nothing more than chic one-shouldered wraps made of leather because they knew that pants were absurd and superfluous. It wasn’t until 1980 when the Vietnam War ended and The Man took over that pants even became a commonly seen item in everyday society. Pants are nothing more than a product of corporate greed propagated by Calvin Klein.

Additionally, consider when you’re happiest. Perhaps it’s when you’re laying on a sandy beach, soaking up the warm sun. Or maybe it’s when you’re chilling out at home in your bed, cruising Facebook while eating a jar of peanut butter with a spoon. Or possibly it’s when you’re making sweet sweet love to that dude who was giving you the eye at the gym. Frank? Chris maybe? It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that on any of these occasions, the chance that you’re wearing pants is slim to none.

And where are you wearing pants? At the office, in the airport, in class, on the bus, at a funeral, at the dentist’s, in Iraq engaging in hand-to-hand combat, at a taping of the Tyra Banks Show. Everything that sucks involves wearing pants.

So now that spring is here, do yourself a favor and try strolling to Starbucks today in nothing more than some sneakers and a long t-shirt. If your day isn’t 20 to 25% better than average, I’ll spot you a jar of peanut butter.

Last time

Morning: everyone is back at the house quietly eating breakfast. Destiney isn’t wearing make up and she looks fantastic without it. Big John comes in with three buckets for them to clean the house because someone they know is coming. Daisy is cleaning in a half shirt. Of course she is.

Doorbell rings and it’s parent time. Ambre’s dad is the first to arrive and they hug like she’s coming home from war. Bret got his hair blown out and flat ironed and he desperately needs a bandana. At least a real parent showed up for her this time.

Destiney’s parents come. She’s wearing a pink hat but no make up so I’ll forgive the stupid hat.

Daisy’s been on her own since she was 15 so instead of parents, Stephanie, Daisy’s ex-boyfriend’s sister, shows up for her. Are you kidding? Bret is clearly not thrilled.

They all hit the bar and Bret tries to serve up Destiney’s dad who can’t drink because he has liver cancer. He’s been given less than six months to live and Destiney’s awesome biker dad with the tattoo on his forehead makes her seem very human to me. Before this she was just a big bag of siliconed eyeliner crazy.

BBQ – Bret asks Ambre’s dad about all of his children. Ambre’s 37. Bret, don’t act like you really thought that she was really 32.

After eating, Bret shows everyone a clip from a show and Destiney got up to do a groupie dance. In front of her parents. Bret holds Ambre’s hand during her freak dance because he’s worried that Destiney won’t love Bret Michaels off stage.

Bret’s going to take everyone out separately. Daisy and her “ex” boyfriend’s sister are first.

They go to the Rainbow Bar. Daisy’s never been there, to the Viper Room or Whiskey – riiiight. Bret asks about Charles. Spill it, Stephanie. Charles cheated on Daisy and Daisy’s “life is black and white not color.” Bret and I have no idea what she’s talking about.

Stephanie says that the Charles relationship is over. “You’re seeing this like a guy.” Um, so I guess that I am, too. Stephanie has mastered English, though, so Bret’s getting some clarity on the situation – but not enough.

Next day: For the Destiney family date, Bret got a bike for Destiney’s parents to ride – that’s a really nice gesture. And he leads them to a tattoo parlor so that Destiney can get a tattoo. She wants the “Rock of Love” logo on the back of her neck but without the words. Is Bret disappointed that she won’t add the words to the tattoo? She’s putting it right where Heather did.

For Ambre’s date, they go for sushi and the age lie comes up. “Oh my god, I can’t believe I lied to Bret.” You said UM before you told him your age. Don’t cry, Liar. She has a career in which she needs to be younger so she told the girls that she’s 32. But she’s fallen in love with Bret – she says it in front of her dad which is kind of creepy to me.

So the date ends and back at the house, Bret thanks the families and the ex-boyfriend’s sister for coming out. Destiney’s mom is wearing an awful hat – I see where it comes from. I really hope that Destiney’s dad can somehow beat his cancer.

There was little drama in this episode but…no, I spoke spoke too soon. Ambre wants to air out some stuff. Are you gonna tell them that you’re 37? She says to Destiney: “I wasn’t sure if you’d completely given your heart to Bret.”

Destiney: “It’s hard for me to give myself 100% if I don’t know if it’s being returned.”

How is Destiney the voice of reason here? Ambre says that she feels like she’s in love with Bret. You ARE vulnerable and stupid. Speaking of stupid, Daisy says that she’s in love with Bret, too.

Elimination time – I have NO idea who’s going home.

Bret tells each of the girls what he loves about them and what their downsides are. He loves the way Daisy sings? And she has a walk-in garage of skeletons. At least he knows that he’s too old to pick through it.

Daisy tells Bret that Destiney’s not 100% in love with him. Destiney says, “I’m not in love with you but I have feelings for you.” But it doesn’t save her; he calls down Destiney and she’s going home for loving the experience and not loving Bret.

So the woman who was nearly eliminated on the first episode is in the finals with Daisy. Well, at least I can say I called one of the final two.

Next time: SEASON FINALE!!!! In the mean time, on Thursday night they’re gonna air lost moments. Like it’s some brilliant show a la Seinfeld and we need to see that…