Happy Presidents’ Day, ladies!

That’s why your classes were canceled today, in case you were wondering. And why mattresses are “60% off TODAY ONLY!” So while we sleep in and high school students get a week off, and the rest of the world remembers all the great things our nation’s leaders have done for us, I’m going to  do some remembering of my own, but remembering a bit closer to home…

Remember (see I told you) when you were a little kid and you use to have to write those essays about what you did over summer vacation, what you wanted to be when you grew up, and oh yeah, what you would do if you were president for a day? Well, I’m finally getting around to writing mine. (Because I don’t know what else to do with myself now that I’ve finished my senior thesis.) In honor of Presidents’ Day I present to you, the top ten things I would change if I were president.

Disclaimer: This list is not to be taken seriously. These are not serious suggestions nor are they things I would ever actually consider doing if I were in such a situation of power. It’s just a little bit of fun.

10. Instead of the president’s most trusted advisors the cabinet will include the hottest guys in the U.S. Sure they may not be the brightest advisors a girl ever had, but they will sure make the work day a lot more enjoyable (And I’m sure they’d give quite a few of our past presidents’ advisors a run for their money.) First issue of discussion: who has the hottest abs? Well, I guess you’ll just have to take your shirts off and discuss.

9. Replace the White House bowling alley with a White House spa. Seriously, I mean I don’t know what the previous presidents were thinking. Who relaxes by bowling? Especially with those horrible shoes. Thanks but no thanks. I’ll take a massage table, some scented candles, and a facial any day.

8.  Instead of vacationing at Camp David I’ll vacation at Disney World. Why vacation at a country retreat when you can go to Disney World – the greatest place on earth? I don’t know about you, but if I’m gonna be spending a week surrounded by rodents, I prefer mine with squeaky voices and comically oversized shoes.

7.  Upon completion of their degrees, college students get their tuition back. My gift to college students everywhere. If they managed to make it through four years of partying hard work and dedication to their studies they deserve a reward. I would know.

6.  There really will be a Starbucks on every corner. And of course, the president drinks for free. What? I’d need to stay caffeinated, okay? Have you ever seen me with less than sixteen ounces of caffeinated caramel goodness in my system? No. You haven’t. And there’s a reason for that.

5. Margarita Mondays will become a nationally observed holiday. Okay so maybe margaritas all day wouldn’t be the best idea. But at least a mandatory margarita during a mandatory 5 p.m. cocktail hour on Mondays. It will boost everyone’s mood and make it all the more interesting for those that have to return to work after their drinks. Don’t you think?

4. Add zebra stripes to the white house. Come on. The place hasn’t been painted since 1800. It could use a bit of a spruce up.

3. State of the Union address will involve a rundown of the previous year’s fashion trends. Okay so I don’t actually have a legitimate excuse for this one, but I just think that it would be more fun to go back and pick out the best and worst fashion mistakes of the past year than to discuss the nation’s successes and failures. Not necessarily as productive, but definitely more entertaining. Especially if my Secretary of Style, Joan Rivers, was sitting behind me.

2.  My presidential salary will include a special shoe shopping budget. This is totally reasonable. I mean I’ll be attending tons of important functions every week. That will require lots and lots of cute outfits and lots and lots of cute shoes to go with said outfits. And if my budget allows for those shoes to be Louboutins, Jimmy Choos, and Manolo Blahniks, then so be it. I am serving my country, after all.

1. Make CollegeCandy the required reading material for the entire universe. If not for the entire United States population (I’m not sure I want my mom gettin’ this on her Google Reader) than at least for all the college girls out there. It’s for their own good, I assure you.

[Check out Jenn's other musings-in-the-form-of-a-list here.]

Conan O’Brien speaks.

7 ways to break up using social media.

Which celebs had the best hats at this weekend’s Derby?

And which were partying at the White House?

Uh oh. PLEASE don’t let this be true.

These advertisements are brilliant.

I have to take off my flip flops to get on a plane, but they'll let anyone into the White House.

By now everyone has heard about the infamous couple who somehow managed to crash a party at the White House. Michaele and Tareq Salahi gained entry to the White House state dinner last week without being on the list, rubbing shoulders with Joe Biden, Katie Couric and Obama himself. Everyone wants to know who these people are and what they were thinking.

What I want to know is who the hell was the security guy and how can I get him hired in my city?

I think the White House needs to make some cuts, let this guy go and perhaps hire some security guards who have “able to read guestlists” on their resume. (I mean, come on, what’s next – will Bin Laden just saunter into the Oval Office??) Then this guy will be free to work a number of venues, (where he has no way of sacrificing our national security) and help me out big time.

The Liquor Store Near Campus
Now that I’m 21, I no longer sweat buckets buying a bottle of wine, but for all of my poor under-age college friends who still do, this guy would be a big help. He obviously doesn’t want to offend anyone by say, turning them away. We could all march in there anxiety free, pick up a couple cases of beer and confidently claim we’re 25 year old Susan from Canada.

An Overpriced New Years Eve Venue
This year NYE is really stressing me out. All the cool places want to charge me an arm and a leg to party all night long, sending me straight into the new year with a big fat negative in my bank account. But this White House guy can really help me out. If I shmooze him and claim that I did in fact purchase a $300 ticket but absent-mindedly left it home, chances are he will believe me and let me pass. Being able to party at a venue I can’t afford without giving up eating for a month? Priceless.

The Security Desk on Campus
Forget your student ID? No problem! You look like a student here so it must be the truth. Oh, that clanking coming from your backpack is a bunch of glass Coke bottles? No need to double check; he knows how good Coke is from a bottle. How much easier would all of our lives be if the grumpy stickler who grills you every time you pass was replaced by a generous, rule-bending softy? Hey, if he’s good enough for El Presidente, he’s good enough for me.

The Campus Library
It’s hard enough to fit all my books and notes in my bag, but as I head to the library for some last minute studying I have to make room for all my snacks and create a safe pocket to hide my Starbucks latte, then shimmy by the security guard before he hears the potato chips crunching. But if the White House bouncer worked here, he would understand that I need the nourishment, even if outside food and drink are against the rules. Wait, who am I kidding? This guy is so oblivious he wouldn’t even smell the Chipotle wafting from my pocket. He would wish me a good day and send me through, coffee and all. If he’s allowing strangers to mingle with our president, I doubt he’d even notice my orange Cheetoh fingers as I swipe my ID and mosey on by.

Hey, it’s no good in the Whitehouse, but negligence does have benefits. Where else could you guys really use this bouncer’s leniency around campus?

Jessica Simpson’s got beef with the CW.

How does the First Family do Halloween?

What’s the best sandwich in the USA?

Are ponchos coming back?

Is LiLo switching teams again?

This might be the most disturbing thing I’ve seen all day.

Looks like someone kissed a boy and liked it…

What will Obama say to the kiddies?

Ludacris is the new Oprah?

Add some bling to your mani.

Whitney Port has a fashion emergency.

Chris Brown uses Michael Jackson for comeback.

We’re back with another edition of G.W.W.E. (Guys We Wanna Eff)!  This week, kick back and relax with a big cup of  Kal Penn.

Not many men can put a gun to their heads one day and accept a highly prestigious federal job the next, but leave it to Kal Penn to pull it off. Earlier this week, the scrumptious House star had fans in a tizzy when they tuned in to discover his character, Dr. Lawrence Kutner, had committed suicide. Turns out, Penn had his character on the popular show killed off so that he could accept a job as President Obama’s Associate Director of the White House Office of Public Liaison! With the economy being what it is, for anyone to make a career leap at this time is impressive, but the (literally) show-stopping switch by Kal is infinitely effable.

Who would have ever thought the guy-next-door cutie we saw in National Lampoon’s  Van Wilder or Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle would one day be swapping notes with the President? Turns out he’s been stacking his resume not only with starring roles but academic and political scores, as well. Having attended UCLA for college, Kal has served as guest lecturer at the University of Pennsylvania and as a surrogate during Barack Obama’s presidential campaign. What a catch!

This week, there’s only one man on my mind, and that’s Kal Penn. Not only is his career move from acting to public service inspirational, he’s certainly shocked us all. Who knows what kind of wildcard stunts he’ll pull in the bedroom? Kal, if you’re looking for a congratulatory eff, you can park it right here.

Is your beau more obsessed with fashion than you?

Remind me not to borrow anyone’s iPhone.

Yikes! What’s going on with Annalynne McCord’s makeup?

Check out First Lady Michelle Obama’s White House portrait.

Is Megan Fox a transformed woman?

Will Drew Barrymore produce the next Twilight movie?

I wonder why Kellen Winslow got traded.

Are you addicted to porn? If so, MTV wants your number.

I think I’d be a little nervous to try a wasabi mask.

Meet the finalists of the Intel Science Talent Search, AKA the kids ruining the curve in your classes next year.

Two of the sexiest men in the world in one room. Why wasn’t I there??

This would be perfect for a spring break road trip!

Wait, that can’t be… is that… is Lady Gaga naked?

Easy steps to Amanda Seyfried’s red-carpet hair.

Need an excuse to get off the phone? Try these.

Who’s Kanye’s bald new GF?

Does this mean Kathy Griffin’s off the D-List?

Britney’s dad is not happy.

Justin Timberlake and Ciara team up to make “Love Sex Magic”

Time for roommate confessions… and you thought you had it bad.

Does dressing alike improve a relationship?

Mark McGwire’s brother plans to spill family secrets.

Welcome to twacne: the twenty-something skincare problem.

Want to score a 160 on the LSAT?

John Travolta has been targeted in a $20 million extortion plot.

Obama orders an end to Gitmo.

No instant messaging in the white house?!?

Chief executive of Merrill Lynch, John A. Thain, resigns from Bank of America.

The six layer makeup technique.

Remembering Heath Ledger, a year later.

Beanie Babies are back. Presidential (daughter) style.

I know you’re just moments away from being inaugurated, but in my opinion, the Bush era has been dead for awhile now, and you have been the prez since the results were announced. I figured out how to fill out an absentee ballot for you, Mr. Obama, and I can’t even handle bills that come in paper statements, so that’s saying something. The day you were elected, Mr. Obama, my roommate and I screamed and jumped up and down on our futon like we’d just watched a really hot episode of Gossip Girl. One of my friends from the bloody United Kingdom texted me to congratulate me on our country’s finally making a good decision, even though it was about 4 a.m. in his time zone.

There’s a lot riding on your presidency, Mr. Obama, and while I have enough faith in you to fill out that freaking absentee ballot, I would also like to give you some tips, so you take the same downtrodden path that so many of our past leaders have taken.

Please do not raise federal liquor taxes in an attempt to cover the costs of war, a la Ulysses S. Grant. We poor college students cannot afford to pay more than state sales tax and the $.05 deposit per can on our Natty Lights. If you do feel a need to hike up the taxes, please don’t make it worse by accepting bribes from distillers to receive tax stamps at a fraction of the cost, because that’s just plain mean. Do feel free to sponsor a National Holiday where school and work is cancelled so we may get over our hangovers, however.

Gas prices have finally dropped after an excruciating few months of paying over $3 or $4 per gallon to fill our tanks.  Please do not transfer oil responsibilities to corrupt secretaries, who will exploit this power for their own gain.  Ask ex-prez Warren Harding how Teapot Dome turned out. Oh, wait; he died before he could be convicted.  Mr. Obama, you’re in your prime, so chances are, you’re going to have to sit through any investigations that might come your way.

If all goes well during your stint in the White House, Mr. Obama, please don’t resort to wiretapping, burglary, and trespassing in an effort to be re-elected when 2012 rolls around.  We really don’t need Kirsten Dunst to make another film routed in political satire.

While you are working in the Oval Office, Mr. Obama, please keep your relationships with your coworkers, and especially interns, strictly professional.  And don’t mingle with the ho’s, either.  Hell, your wife Michelle is beautiful, and your girls are totally adorable.  So there’s no reason to be shacking up with Obama Girl. These days, the media is always looking to exploit an irrational decision – always remember that.

Please, Mr. Obama, hire an educated speech reader, and then practice your speeches.  I want books to be written about how great you are, rather than seeing compilations of the stupid sh*t you’ve said on sale at Amazon. If you meet a single mother of three, please don’t tell her, “You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn’t it? I mean, that is fantastic that you’re doing that.“  And please don’t address our current economic crisis as thus: “So I analyzed that and decided I didn’t want to be the president during a depression greater than the Great Depression, or the beginning of a depression greater than the Great Depression.“  

Mr. Obama, to be frank, I wouldn’t have the balls to step in right now and try to fix our country.  But we’re counting on you.  So, if you could refrain from making some of the errors of our forefathers, that would be great.  And if you have some spare time, if you could fix the economy, pull our troops out of Iraq, legalize same sex marriage, and be such a good president that you are remembered as a great president, rather than simply the first black president (because really, I would vote for a Fuchsia leader he or she would turn the USA back around), I would be most grateful, and would probably take the time to fill out yet another absentee ballot in four years.

Thank you for your time, and welcome to the friggin’ White House!