My sister is getting married and I’ve had weddings on the brain, so this week I’m dedicating this review to her and doin’ the something old, something new, and something blue routine. It doesn’t just apply to brides, you know. I didn’t borrow any of my music this week (I’m not good at giving back), so I had to leave that one out.

Anyways, obviously Whitney Houston is the something old. I’m not saying the woman is old (hell, she looks good for her age!), but she has been around the block a few times. These United States are my something new, and I couldn’t be more excited about that. And the Drive-By Truckers are my something blue, since I love them to death, but listening to their album made me feel a little bit blue.

And I guess all of that means I’ll one day be marrying music.
Considering the guys I’ve dated in the past, that is fine by me:

Whitney Houston- I Look to You

Oh hey, Whitney Houston. You’re back. Have I mentioned I’m excited? Like, jump out of my pants and do a little dance around my bedroom, excited? Well, I was. And I have to admit that you let me down just a little bit. I don’t really know why I expected you to be the exact woman you were before, but what happened to those vocal cords? OK, so maybe I’m being a little bit dramatic, but I really do miss hearing Whitney’s true crooning. I always said if I were to audition for American Idol, I would sing “I Wanna Dance With Somebody,” to which my friends and family burst out laughing. Because I would definitely make the show…the horrible audition part of the show.

Nope, I’m just not a fabulous singer. But I do think I could actually sing some of Whitney’s new stuff from I Look to You, because her voice just isn’t getting up there. So many of the songs on her new album play off of Whitney’s horrible marriage (to the awful Bobby Brown), which I think is a good thing. Pain brings awesome music. And Whitney’s lyrics are as powerful as ever, especially in songs like “I Didn’t Know My Own Strength.” But I want her to start screaming and showing her real power. I am a big fan of the first song on the album, “Million Dollar Bill” because it reminds me a bit of the old Whitney (the song sounds totally 80s-ish) and her voice actually gets up there a bit. And it’s fun. I really do like the title track, but again, it leaves something lacking. Whitney also duets with Akon on an interesting track. It’s cute, but probably won’t become a hit, like most Akon collaborations do. Sadness. I guess love lets you down sometimes.

These United States- Everything Touches Everything

I had heard of These United States before this week, but I knew absolutely nothing about them and had never heard a lick of their music. I had no clue what they would sound like when I was getting ready to listen to Everything Touches Everything. But you know what? I enjoy them immensely. They’re really hard to describe, but it’s basically pretty mellow music with great lyrics and the occasional dance-ability. One of my very favorite songs on the album is “Secret Door.” While it’s a pretty mellow song, the lyrics are absolutely outstanding and definitely prove to me what amazing songwriters These Unite States are. “I am going to start the morning out/Throwing out the day before/I am going to let the morning in/The whole thing pouring in/And what is more…I am the captain of this ship/For what it was/And what it is and what it shackles/Or it leaves behind that shore/I am my executioner/But death is not the final word/And my life is not some secret door…I will push you if you push me.”

Another one of my faves is “Will It Ever” because of its sorta country vibe. And “Conquests and Consequences” is such a different sound, I find myself listening to it over and over. Every once in a while I’m surprised by a band I never really knew existed and this time it’s These United States. Now I have a feeling I’ll have a hard time remembering when they weren’t a part of my life! But then again, maybe I’m just in the honeymoon faze.

Drive-By Truckers- The Fine Print: A Collection of Oddities and Rarities

I consider the Drive-By Truckers to be one of my all time favorite bands. As in, they are majorly awesome. I have about a million of their songs on constant rotation on my iPod, but it never seems to be enough. So, although, I’d absolutely love for them to come out with something really brand new, I take what I can get. And that’s The Fine Print: A Collection of Oddities and Rarities. It’s basically all their previously recorded material that they ended up not using. You might think this wouldn’t be as good as their published music, but when you look at DBT’s albums, you see how much of a storyline they have and why there might be some actually really good stuff that just wasn’t able to be included.

The album starts off  with “George Jones Talkin’ Cell Phone Blues” and just exemplifies what the Drive-By Truckers are to me. It has a little bit of modern behavior mixed with some old school dirty South. Right away I can see why they didn’t want these perfectly amazing songs to go to waste. I have to say I was way overly psyched to hear Jason Isbell on this album (I still haven’t gotten over him leaving the band) and am now pretty obsessed with “When the Well Runs Dry.” And “TVA” too. These are definitely my favorite tracks on the album, because they sound amazing, yes, but also probably because I’m feeling a bit of nostalgia too. But now I think I’ve relapsed into my Jason Isbell pain, which probably isn’t very healthy.

And she uses that knowledge well.

What I love about Whitney’s style is that she’s not afraid to take risks; she mixes and matches trends and gives them her own personal take. She’s also a big fan of fun & flirty dresses and she’s not afraid to go for bright, over-the-top colors and prints. (Although, it’s not hard to look good when you are already blessed with perfect hair, flawless skin and zero percent body fat.) She does a great job of pairing “louder” accessories and/or shoes with simple frocks, and when it’s time to glam it up, she picks classic gowns with a modern edge, the perfect look for an early-twenties girl.

Adding to her personal wardrobe, no matter where Whitney is going or what she’s wearing she never overdoes it with her hair and makeup. She most often keeps her beautiful blonde locks loose and wavy, and her makeup always looks natural and beautiful. Whitney knows her stuff when it comes to looking great and is a Style Idol to young women everywhere.

Good thing she had that random white dress on hand!

I really need to focus most of my attention on the Pratt wedding (because, let’s be honest, there is much to be discussed), but first I must say this: for the first time in the history of The Hills, tonight’s episode made me cry. Yes, laugh at me if you will, but Whitney’s dad was so cute and I couldn’t help but cry when he gave her a goodbye speech. Oh, and I also cried when Whitney got out of the limo at the airport. What was with that flannel babydoll dress? Did she learn nothing since her first day at Teen Vogue??

But none of that matters, because Spencer and Heidi got married. In Cabo. Drunk. I don’t know which part of the evening was worse:

- The fact that Spencer “knows what Patron does to [Heidi]!” and just kept giving her more until she agreed to marry him.

- When Spencer told Heidi, “I’m madly obsessed with you…I pretty much keep you from the whole world.” That guy is seriously one step away from Mark Wahlberg in Fear.

- Or when Spencer told Heidi that she makes him a nicer person. Anyone else want to know what he was like before Heidi? The Joker?

Eventually, Heidi agrees that this is a fantastic idea and joins Spencer in holy matrimony. But only in secret. Because if Heidi and Spencer are anything, it is concerned with their privacy. They aren’t the kind of people that would hire a photographer to snap shots of their wedding. They wouldn’t return from Cabo and immediately sell the story to US Weekly. It’s not like they are on a TV show, or anything.

This is secret and romantic and cute! No one is gonna find out. Not that this whole charade is going to last long enough to be legalized, anyway. Heidi is going to wake up from that Jose coma and realize what a giant (flesh color bearded) mistake she made.

Or they are going to make babies and get their own show, which will be nothing if not the most entertaining show on TV. God, I love MTV.

But, still – the episode actually opened up a lot more questions than it answered. Questions like:

1) What is the point of the whole Stephanie/Cameron relationship? I mean, really, why did this story line ever exist? Was it to show us that boys like Stephanie? Did MTV hope for it to cause more tension than it did? Maybe a bar brawl between Cameron, Brody and his Bromancers? Was it to bring Steph and Spencer together, or maybe tear them apart? Why?!

The love story lasted for like 5 minutes over the span of 6 episodes, so why are we supposed to care that they broke up? I just don’t understand. Enlighten me, people. (Speaking of Cameron, did anyone else notice when he tried to kiss Heidi hello and he totally got the back of her head? Awkward!)

2) Did MTV force Lauren’s parents out of their house? Lauren’s epiphanies about moving on and growing up seem a bit too…er…advanced for her to have come up with on her own, which leads me to believe that this was yet another scripted moment by the folks at MTV. Does that mean, then, that they forced her parents to move out of their mansion so they could create this moment? That’s a lot of packing for one crappy episode.

3) Did Whitney sit on a plane for 6 hours (12 round-trip!) in that dress? God, she must have been cold. And did they intentionally have her NY doppelganger come get her at the bottom of the stairs at the DVF office? That girl was totally her twin, right? Am I right? It was almost trippy, sort of a “this is gonna be you…exactly” moment.

4) How on earth did MTV get the Heidi/Spencer wedding episode edited and ready to roll for next week when it just happened 2 weeks ago?

Interesting. Interesting indeed.

But I digress.

It seems as though with every passing episode of The Hills I find myself hating someone else. First it was Spencer (duh), then Heidi (double duh), then Jen Bunny, Lauren and, naturally, Lo. Well, another one bites the dust: Whitney.

Don’t get me wrong – Whitney is awesome. She is nice, smart, driven and has a killer wardrobe. But the fact that she gets to travel between L.A. and NYC dressing hot guys for model casting calls just makes me want to scream. Why her?! Why not me?! That girl must have some sort of magical spell on Kelly Cutrone; she made the woman smile!

And it was scary.

While Whit was off playing Dress the Hottie on the East Coast, LC was back in L.A. trying to break things off with Doug. I don’t really know why you’d break up with a guy who looks that good (considering the guy she really loves wears camo…), but I do have to commend her on actually sitting down and breaking things off. I tend to stick to the “avoid him until he gets it” tactic, so it was admirable– while totally awkward – that she went to his place to give him the news.

So, Ms. LC is back on the market, boys. If you want to date a bland piece of tofu (which is totally worth it considering you could make at least $10,000 an episode) get to L.A. now! You could be her newest Brody. Or Doug. Or Stephen Coletti.

When Lauren wasn’t breaking things off with Douglas she was spending her time debating the difference between a hamster and a guinea pig with her BFF, Stephanie. They even have bracelets! Who cares if no one else trusts her? Who cares if she tells LC one thing and then goes right over the Spencer and says something completely different? She has evil Pratt blood in her, but that doesn’t mean she’s evil.

Right?

I mean, we sorta saw Heidi Montag eat, so anything is possible.

The good news is we won’t have to wait as long as normal to find out what happens next. There is going to be a special bonus epidsode of The Hills next Sunday at 7:30! The Hills AND the VMA’s? Be still my heart.

Last night’s episode of The Hills was a total snoozer. Seriously; I fell asleep during that dumb Alicia Key’s during-the-commercial show. Poor Alica; you have such a beautiful voice, but your acting skills are so…well…stick to singing, my dear.

Anyways, I really had to force myself to stay awake. Which was especially difficult considering the fact that I need at least 2 glasses of wine to ease my anxiety so Heidi’s face, and attempts at showing emotion, don’t give me nightmares.

The show started with Heidi and Audrina meeting up for lunch. That sneaky little lady; she tells Lauren that she would never be friends with Heidi again and there she goes snacking on a sandwich and chatting it up with her behind Lauren’s back. Then she agrees to meet up with Heidi for “Ladies Night,” after making a really weird “I am not sure I want to do this/I can’t handle those lips, Heidi” face.

Ladies Night ends up being a huge debacle – or total success, in terms of adding a little excitement to the episode – as Spencer decides to go out to the same freaking bar like a little pansy and flirt with girls to make Heidi jealous. But Heidi isn’t really mad until she finds out he’s taking shots with the ladies. SHOTS?!? SHOTS!! I am not sure why shots are a bigger deal than if Spencer bought those girls any other cocktail on the menu, but it was enough to make Heidi shake with anger. And talk about it non stop with anyone who would listen (or, like Audrina, were forced to listen).

Spence and Heidi meet up the next day to talk things out…in Spencer’s car. Well, Spencer doesn’t really get to do much talking, but he is there to take the verbal beating from Barbie. I sort of felt bad for the kid. How is it fair that Heidi gets to dictate the parameters of the relationship and Spencer’s life? How can she go out with the girls and make him sit home and wait for her to be ready to be back with him again? The kid is clearly depressed – he’s living with his sister who is totally stuck in the 80’s and eating turkey sandwiches while his ex hits the town. It is natural that he want some answers, and we all know we’ve resorted to similar immature tactics (like flirting with other guys at the bar to make someone jealous) before.

In the end I just want to see them get back together so A) we don’t have to watch them fight anymore, B) because they are the only people on earth who would want one another and C) so they can make more fine music together.

And that pretty much covers all the interesting stuff that happened; besides Lauren helping out at People’s Revolution and behind the scenes at a fashion show. Which makes me wonder: are these models that dumb that they can’t seem to stay in line or know who is supposed to be walking before them? Is it really necessary to have both Lauren and Whitney back there?

And is yelling at models and telling them to go that difficult that it would really knock Cutrone’s socks off? I knew how to get in line in 1st grade. Why am I still working at a boring office job? Enjoy your fabulous life, Lauren. I think I may sort of be starting to hate you.

Make sure you watch next week, friends; Justin Bobby is making his return. Ugly hats, facial hair and inappropriate gas emissions included.

[Yes, LC, we realize this Hills update is late. No need to make that "holding corn chips incredulously" move of yours. This week sucked for your dear editor. I apologize. Now, on to the awesomeness...]

Yesterday I had a serious case of the Mondays. Even the Boston Creme donut I had didn’t make me feel any better. Or the giant sale on Bloomingdales.com (but I may not feel the good vibes from that until my brand new jacket arrives in the mail!). I was ready to retire to bed with a cup of tea and a good book until I remembered something awesome: The Hills is back. I have gotten so used to Mondays without my blonde and super tan frenemies that I nearly forgot. I turned on the TV and was blessed with even more good news: TWO EPISODES!

It was like the clouds parted and the sun began to shine.

Two full episodes means there is a lot of ground to cover. I took three pages of notes! Sure, a lot of that includes, “What the hell is Stephanie wearing on her head?” and, “Heidi looks like she wants to cry right now – she is trying so hard – but her face just…won’t….move.” But so much happened!

There is no way I can really discuss everything I want to – like Heidi and Spencer’s fight over who paid for which super-sized flat screen – so here is a brief rundown of the happenings on episodes dos and tres of The Hills. Sort of a Cliff’s Notes guide to last night’s drama.

Whitney decides to leave Teen Vogue and take up an opportunity working for People’s Revolution. Her first interview with Kelly Cutrone made me realize that that Devil does not wear Prada – the Devil wears black and doesn’t wash her hair. Cutrone is constantly reminding Whitney of the hellish life she has gotten herself into, which makes me wonder if Whitney looks just like some bitch that made Cutrone’s high school experience a nightmare. And now she’s getting her back.

Lauren is all sad about her pending long distance relationship with Whitney, so she decides to hit Les Deux (because it is the only club in LA, apparently) with Audrina. Obviously, Brody shows up. Obviously, there is drama because they both read Us Weekly and heard about each others’ trysts while apart. Not-so-obviously, Frankie has some weird 1988 fade going on with his hair. Lauren and Brody both act like children because they refuse to tell each other their feelings and that is the end of that. To which I say to you, Lauren: stop being such a brat and talk to the kid. No one finds this charming.

Speidi begins the separation of their things. Each gets to take what is theirs and go their separate ways – except for Stephanie. She is settling quite nicely in the middle. Heidi tells her she just wants space but doesn’t consider this whole thing a break up. Meanwhile, Spencer is all about playing the field (which he will quickly see is empty for a mid-twenties kid with no job and horrible facial hair who spends his days crying on his little sister’s couch).

Stephanie is a manipulative bitch who is trying to get herself in just about anywhere she can. I don’t trust her. Lo (my new BFF) doesn’t trust her. Even Spencer doesn’t trust her. So why does LC seem to keen on being her friend? This girl’s brother spread those sex tape rumors; hasn’t Lauren learned that you have to be careful about who you trust? Also, since when is Lauren back in school? And why does her teacher sound like she just flew in from the Bronx?

Whew. That was a lot. Back to back episodes of this show provide me with plenty of drama to get through the week. It’s like living in two sorority houses at once. Yet, I still want more.

I will just have to wait until next week to see if Heidi’s post-Spencer-extra-closet-space is still getting her through the break-up. Or if Lauren and Whitney get offered any other one-in-a-million jobs with no experience.

Or, maybe, if Audrina plays any sort of important role in any of this.

Last night was the season premiere of The Hills and all I can say is, wow. I have been counting down to this moment for a long time. I even had a party to celebrate it. But even I couldn’t have anticipated just how spectacular the whole event was going to be.

A pre-show.

Mariah Carey.

An hour-long episode (with commercial breaks that seemed a lot shorter than normal).

It was fantastic.

As you all know, last night’s episode picked up where last season abruptly ended some three months ago: Lauren and Whitney arrive in Paris, while Heidi and Spencer work through the many failings of their overly public relationship. I am ashamed to say this, but after watching I was extremely disappointed with Lauren and (gulp) actually kinda respected Heidi.

Before you throw tomatoes at your computer screen, hear me out.

I love Lauren. I loved her on Laguna and I was always pulling for her in the whole Speidi drama. If there were a Kitson in Michigan, I would have definitely made the “Team Lauren” t-shirt purchase. But tonight she just pissed me off again and again. Here is a girl who is given a dream internship at Teen Vogue for not one, but two years – something totally unheard of in the media industry. Then she is given the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to work in Paris, which she turns down to spend the summer with a drug addict, only to be offered it again!

Obviously, she would realize how lucky she is and work her ass off to prove to Lisa Love that she is worth it, right? Wrong.

First she lands in Paris and decides it is more important to dress herself than dress the debutantes she was assigned to (strike 1). Then she decides to take a personal call while doing the 10 minutes of work she has to do the entire week she is in Paris (strike 2). Then, she decides it is of utmost importance to go out to the bars in Paris with some bearded old man and takes the couture dress loaned to her and pins it up to wear out on the town. We all watch and wait for someone to spill red wine on the dress and breathe a sigh of relief when Lauren and Whitney make it home, dress intact. But, wait! Fifteen minutes before the ladies are supposed to be at the ball, Lauren realizes she has burned the dress with her curling iron (strike 3).

Naturally, the designer just hands over another gorgeous dress – that fits perfectly – and Cinderella makes it to the ball. After doing another 10 minutes of work asking some girl where she is from (while Whitney fixes a sleeve), Lauren runs off on Mr. Beard’s Vespa…in her second couture dress of the evening (strike 4). I know nothing actually happened to that dress, but was that really the best idea when you have already ruined one?

I know my anger stems from jealousy at Lauren’s Oh-So-Glamorous life, but give me a break. People with talent and common sense are dying for a job like that, and this girl can f*#k up that many times and still get offered an unnecessary yet totally freaking awesome opportunity to go to Paris? What the hell!?

::Breathe::

Ok. Moving on to something that causes a little less anxiety: Spencer and Heidi. As the episode begins we find Spencer looking totally disheveled – beard is all furry, hair is out of control, he is doing the dishes – due to the lack of Heidi in his life. He decides that while Heidi told him she needed time to do her own thing, he would hop in a Jeep and surprise her in Crested Butte (tee hee).

Well, let’s just say that Heidi was less than thrilled to see him. It was hard to tell since she has lost the ability to move her face due to numerous plastic surgeries and Botox injections, but while dining with Spencer and her parents, Heidi made it pretty clear that she didn’t want him there. Like, during her toast when she expressed her love for her parents…and totally ignored Spencer’s presence. Or when she pretty much ripped him a new one while her mom and step-dad looked on.

It was amazing. Nothing brings two people together like a common enemy, and Spencer has definitely brought me closer to Heidi. I still don’t like her – or her awful attempts at making it as a musical artist – but I do have much respect for a woman who is going to put the spawn of Satan in his place. Then I remember these photos I found yesterday and realize that it is only a matter of time until these two get back together and I feel that familiar overwhelming urge to punch them both in the face.

If the rest of the season is anything like last night’s episode, we are all in for some serious dramaaa. It is going to be good. Rumor has it Justin Bobby is back and I can’t wait to see how infrequently he showers this time around. Until next week…..

When we last left The Hills – far too long ago than I’d like to think about – Heidi was heading back to Montag Ranch in the rugged hills of Colorado for a much needed break from Spencer. From his lack of a job to his oversized beard to the fact that he packed her bags to elope in Vegas, Heidi had enough. She may also have realized that the ring (weighing in at about 50% of her pre-implants body weight) was f-a-k-e.

And since the infamous season finale, people have been wondering what is going on with the Dumb-As-Rocks Duo. Rumors have been flying: Heidi and Spencer broke up, they are still together but the wedding is off, that (GASP) the show is completely scripted.

Now, I am a girl who has standards when it comes to the news. I am not just going to believe whatever some weird looking dude with a propensity for scribbling on pictures has to say. I want some evidence. Like these photos I found while perusing my favorite blog sites yesterday. (Note: high standards is a relative statement.)

At first glance I thought to myself, “See, world, Heidi and Spencer are together. The show is real!” And then I started flipping through a few more. Like this one. And this one. Oh, and this doozy. All of which, supposedly, show Heidi and Spencer lounging on the beach and enjoying one another’s company. But, what the pictures are really showing is Heidi doing some sort of erotic photo shoot on the beach. There can’t be real. Not a chance. I mean, does anyone really sit like this?

As much as I hate to admit it, Heidi and Spencer are not in love and are no more than fame-seeking D-list celebs. That, paired with the fact that LC is rumored to have just purchased a $2 million dollar house, can only mean one thing: The Hills is as fake as Heidi’s chest. I can tell you from experience that magazine internships barely pay enough to cover dinner, let alone a Hollywood home. The money was coming from somewhere else and it was most definitely MTV.

If you can prove me wrong, please do. I can’t handle the thought of this show being scripted. Not because I am angry over being duped by MTV, but because I can’t handle the thought of another one of my favorite shows being delayed by the writer’s strike.

Today is completely bitter. I feel like it is the morning after an awesome hook up when I can’t do anything but sit and think about the guy while I wait for him to call. While the evening it all went down (no pun intended) was awesome, the morning after just sucks.

This time, though, is even worse; I know Lauren isn’t going to call. And I know I am going to have to wait a long, long time to see her again.

But even with all this sadness I can’t help but get warm and fuzzy inside when I think back to that half hour of perfection last night. And my delicious biscotti.

The episode could not have been better. I found my heart melting for Brody, which is weird because he is totally not my type. Usually the popped collar/weird oversized hat kinda guys completely turn me off. But I guess there is something to be said about a guy in love. And he so is!

Which, by the way, made me hate Lauren just a little. Don’t get me wrong; the girl is absolutely fabulous. She has a killer wardrobe, she is surprisingly driven and intelligent considering her more-than-comfortable upbringing and she and I share many thoughts and opinions. I have to say, though, it drives me crazy when girls play dumb with guys.

Come on, Lauren; when Brody takes you to dinner, pulls out your chair and says he’s going to miss you he is obviously telling you that he likes you. Don’t play dumb (“You are going to miss your single friend?”) and make him spell it out for you. He is a guy! That is as good as it is gonna get, and if you don’t pick up on it soon he will not be there when you return from Paris.

And as for, Heidi: I would like to think you got a clue back in Colorado and left Spencer once and for all. Unfortunately, it seems that you two are still hanging out all over the place so I can’t help but think the trip back home did nothing beneficial for you and only made you miss her freeloading boyfriend even more.

Honestly (and I am sorry for this tangent), what the hell does Spencer do? Who has all this time to roam and mope around L.A. on a weekday and then go pop in to see his girlfriend at work?

My God! So many (semi) cliff hangers. (Semi because reading any magazine clues us into the lives of Lauren and Heidi, so we kinda know what’s going on now. But, whatever; it is still majorly stressful!) And I tried my best to stay up to watch the after-show to have some of my burning questions answered (mostly about Lauren’s hair care regime and what she ate in Paris), but those two MTV hosts made me want to claw out my eyes with a rusty fork.

Could MTV have found more annoying people to do this thing?

Any predictions as to what happens after the cameras stopped rolling? More importantly: any idea what shampoo Lauren uses?