Celebrities on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?“

Lookin’ for love? This guy’s single.

What are women’s biggest guilty pleasures?

Lindsay and Sam are dunzo. For now.

Brad Pitt storms out on Angie…according to the Enquirer.

Every year, there seems to be one film that captures the hearts and imaginations of the public, and this year everyone is talking about Slumdog Millionaire. Based on the true story of a young man from the poorest neighborhoods of Mumbai who wins the top prize in the Indian version of “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” Slumdog has already won the Golden Globe for Best Picture and is up for the Academy Award in just over two weeks.  And crucial to the movie’s success is the romantic main character, Jamal Malik, played by newcomer Dev Patel.

Just who is this new Hollywood hunk, and is it okay that I wanted to eff him silly when I saw him shirtless in the movie’s first scenes?

Don’t worry, ladies, I’ve got the scoop. Dev was born in England in 1990 (he’s legal!) and had his first big break on the British comedy, Skins. On his Skins cast member blog, Dev thrills us with this titillating update, “Since we last spoke, I have become a sex machine who will bring to you a sensory experience that will blow your feminine mind and titillate your crazy hot body. I am now a sexual master who has complete knowledge of the three positions of love making.” If that’s not an invitation to eff, then you can take down all my Slumdog posters and burn them (actually, just in case, please don’t. I can’t fall asleep at night without a glance at Dev on my ceiling).

Slumdog director Danny Boyle cast Dev based on a suggestion from his daughter, who loved his work on Skins. Boyle said he chose Dev because he was tall and lanky and could really portray the everyman character needed to carry the film. It is precisely this youthful quality that would make Dev such a good eff.  He reminds me of my crushes of yesteryear, the sweet romantic boys who promised to sweep me off my feet and eff me gently for all time. His earnest smile and timeless love for Slumdog‘s heroine, Latika, makes me wish that I, too, could find a good-natured cutie of my own among the throngs of college bros.

Since the movie premiered,  Dev’s fame has skyrocketed. He’s spawned fan sites galore and has attended a dizzying number of awards shows. Though he himself won’t be receiving any Oscars for acting, Dev will be on the red carpet at the Academy Awards to support Slumdog for the 10 statues it stands to collect. Until the big night, I’ll be waiting for Dev, just like Jamal waited for Latika at the train station. And if his film does win the big prize on February 22, I’ll be all ready with my stellar pick-up line: is that an Oscar in your pocket, or are you just the cutest eff in Hollywood right now?

Dear Nadya Suleman,

Ever since you gave birth to octuplets last week, the media just can’t stop talking about you. Which seems to suit you just fine; we heard that you’ve hired an agent to help you break into TV. Splendid!

t’s good to see a mother who just loves using her kids for cash flow her children.

You’ll definitely make tons of money from doing interviews, and you’ll even get to meet celebrities. Maybe you’ll even be on Oprah! Or even Maury Povich – he loves those “Who’s the Daddy?” shows!

I noticed you were hoping to land a job on some news show or another as an “on-camera childcare expert.” I’m thinking you are better suited to be a baby-making expert (14 kids under the age of 7…and you are only 33!), but that’s neither here nor there.

Soon, everyone in America will know your name. But listen, if you really wanted to be famous so badly, there’s ways to do so that are a lot easier than going through the pain of giving birth to 14 babies. For example, you could star on a reality show. There once was a time when an ugly blonde girl named Heidi Montag was just another ugly blonde girl trying to make it big in Hollywood. And look at her now, thanks to The Hills! That could be you, Nadya! You, too, could have an ugly D-bag boyfriend, fake everything, and lots and lots of Chanel bags.

Another great option for you, since you apparently like having a million things in your belly, is becoming a competitive eater on ESPN! I can only imagine shoving 98 hotdogs IN is a lot easier than pushing 14 babies OUT. And remember how everyone was obsessed with the guy who won the Nathan’s Hot Dog-Eating contest all those years in a row? That could be you!

Or maybe you could be the big winner on a game show like Jeopardy! or Deal or No Deal. I think that guy who made millions on Jeopardy! got a book deal and even a few TV and commercial appearances out of it.

If all those sound like too much work, you could just become an internet sensation. Post a YouTube video of yourself doing something stupid (or falling off of a table) and you could become an overnight star!

See?  There’s lots of ways you could be famous without having to push 14 babies out of your body… and then change all those diapers…and try to find a man willing to be a step-dad to 14 kids….and pay for their college tuition.

Maybe that’s something to think about if this whole TV childcare-expert thing doesn’t work out for you.

Just a thought.

Good luck with the kids (and congrats for beating Brad and Angie at their own game!),

Laura