Aside from the magnificent addition to my everyday vocabulary, there are tons of reasons why I’m  happy vagina wigs are making a come back.  They’re really quite versatile pieces.  I don’t know how we got along without them as an integral part of our wardrobes.  In fact, I can think of hundreds of ways to incorporate the merkin into any and all of my outfits.  Night out with the girls? Sequined merkin.  Day at the park?  Turf merkin (000 matchy matchy).  Interview?  Tweed merkin (perhaps a tad scratchy).

Originally, I was a little iffy about the merkin.  It did start as a cover up for genital sores for prostitutes in the 15th Century, after all.  BUT, now it’s gaining mainstream popularity.  The merkin (or a less gaudy version of the awesome merkins that will soon crowd my underwear drawer) is even used while filming movies to avoid full frontals and lower MPAA ratings.  Hell, Kate Winslet wore one in The Reader to increase her amount of pubic hair (apparently she didn’t have enough pubes to play an aging Nazi…who knew?)!

While I will continue to trim and wax down there, I know that now I have a fashionable option if I feel a bit chilly or need to go all out for a really special occasion.  Wardrobe crisis over!

Whenever we need to make a difficult decision, we make a list. You know, like when we were choosing a school, when we were choosing a date to the first sorority date party, or when we weren’t sure which we loved more: our Prada backpack or our Skechers.

So when are constantly faced with the awful decision of which hot mess of a celebrity is more hot messy, we make a list. Yes, this is a decision we feel the need to make on a weekly basis; we have a lot of time on our hands.

Moving on.

This week’s showdown is between two of our favorite celebs to watch (as they completely meltdown into a pile of crazy mush): Amy Winehouse and Britney Spears. Who is more of a train wreck? God, that’s a tough call, so let’s break it down.

Rehab
Amy Winehouse: Amy said she wouldn’t go to rehab, no no no. Yet, after spending quite a few nights on everything from heroin to horse tranquilizers, the troubled singer ended up there. More than once.

Britney Spears: I lost track of how many times Britney headed to rehab. There was the time she checked into Eric Clapton’s Crossroads Centre, and then that time when she was at Promises when she checked in and then back out and then in again. Lets just say Brit Brit knows her way around addiction counseling.

Point: Britney Spears. It’s all in the numbers. Amy may have sang about it, but Britney visited rehab centers more often than I the bathroom during a night of flip cup. And you know that’s often.

Breakdown
Amy Winehouse: Where do we even begin with this one? Amy is no stranger to breakdowns. She has been known to beat up fans, forget her own lyrics on stage, get in bloody fights with her husband, get caught on tape smoking mysterious substances and walk around in a bra exposing her rail thin body.

Britney Spears: Once again we have another long drawn out train wreck. There was that time she attacked the paparazzi with her umbrella, then dated the paparrazzi, tried on a British accent, shaved her head, put on thirty pounds and lost her children in a custody battle all within the span of about a year.

Point: Tie. A breakdown is a breakdown. No winner here. Except the gossip mags.

Hair
Amy Winehouse’s hair is the stuff legends are made of. (It’s also the stuff that animals get caught in.) An entire Halloween section is devoted to that beehive alone. Just think of all the things she can store in there (crack pipes, flasks, lunch…)

Britney Spears shaved her own head. Who knows it if was because of the drug testing or the “make over”  but either way, Britney went bald. And then covered up her bad judgment call with a number of cheap colorful wigs.

Point: Amy Winehouse. Even though both ladies had some pretty daring dos,  Amy is still rocking that signature look While Brit is back to boring blonde.

Inner Circle
Amy Winehouse’s parents were tight with paparazzi throughout her downward spiral. Although they were making it public that they were worried about their daughter, they were still doing so in a public forum. And then there’s Amy’s beloved husband Blake, who personally escorted her to her professional demise and is now sitting behind bars trading pics of his lady for lines of coke.

Britney Spears. Where do you start with this one? Her mom is the ultimate stage mom, her dad has been managing her every move since she was 12, and her sister had a baby at 12. (Ok, 16.) And if all that isn’t dramatic enough, Britney is also connected to a series of shady characters like Adnan Ghalib who may or may not have been working with the paparazzi to profit off of Brit-Brits downward spiral, and Sam Lutfi who may have contributed to it.

Point: Britney Spears. Although both ladies have some serious enablers in their lives, Amy drugged herself. Again and again and again. And again. Britney had no idea what people were putting in her applesauce.

Kids
Amy Winehouse has yet to reproduce. Thank. God.

Britney Spears is the mother to 2 mistakes kids, Jayden James and Sean Preston. Who she has almost killed on multiple occasions.

Point: Britney Spears… At least until Amy has her own children to screw up.

Celebretard Prize: Britney Spears
Yayyyy, Britney! This truly is the year of your comeback!

If you have an expensive cable package, you love him as Ari on Entourage, and if you’ve only got basic, you love him from the small to medium roles he’s played in tons of various movies that were not always good. Now, on with the GWWEeeing…)

Two Sundays ago, the Emmy’s were on. I don’t watch the Emmy’s because they’re boring and everyone is always thanking God — who probably doesn’t give a crap about your little gold statue when there are wars and famines going on all over the globe — but I happened to switch over to it during a commercial break from TLC’s Incredible Medical Mysteries (best show ever. TiVo it NOW).

The part of the snooze-fest I ended up catching was Jeremy Piven‘s heartfelt acceptance speech for his 3rd Emmy for Entourage. And something just…happened. I was inexplicably drawn to his chiseled boyish middle-agedness. My insides got all hot and tingly. There was a need to see what he was rocking underneath that tux.

Maybe it was his fantabulous hair plugs. Or wig. Maybe it was his new cut bod. Maybe he went to a voodoo lady and found a potion to make girls almost 20 years his junior want to eff him. Whatever he did. It worked. I want to eff all 43 years of him.

I only wish the rest of the Internet would jump on the bandwagon and stop skimping my provocative Piven on the web love. As you can clearly see from the picture on the left, there is only one fan page dedicated my new sexy time fantasy, and it is lame. I think it was put up in 1999 and hasn’t changed since. Plus, nowhere on the site does it state “I want to eff Jeremy Piven.” How can you have a fan site and not want to eff the guy?

Apparently, some people think he’s kind of a man-slut who might have a ‘tude, but I can deal with a ‘tude. Especially if the ‘tude comes from a hot guy who’s been practicing yoga for 15 years. So he might be a little in love with himself. What actor isn’t? And maybe he likes models with big fake boobs. I don’t have big fake boobs but I still want to eff him.

Hellllo. Have you seen that trademarked smirk? Most of the time smirks are hot. And Piven’s is no exception.

So yeah. I want to eff Jeremy Piven. And he’s in New York right now. So maybe I can throw on a fake platinum wig and make sh*t happen.

Watch the Couric/Palin interview here. One word: Oy.

Suri Cruise has no friends.

Parents just don’t understand….

Drew Barrymore eats Ed Westwick’s face.

McCain cancels on Letterman…tsk tsk tsk.

Justin Long can’t seem to hold onto a lady.

Apparently the 90210 girls DO eat!

Britney Spears channels Posh Spice.

Kirk Cameron is making a comeback.

Threesome for LiLo and Sam…and Mickey Mouse.

Looks like Hef’s Viagra ran out… he loses another one.

Is Tina Fey a bad role model for women?

Michael Lohan’s thoughts on Samantha Ronson and her toilet paper preferences.

Perez Hilton writes a song. If you value your sanity, do not click here.