Who ever thought the phrase “It’s time to breast feed” could become the world’s greatest pick-up line and make you the most popular girl around? Possibly the best invention since the World Wide Web, a new drinking device may just make this true.  We introduce you to your new best friend:

The Wine Rack.

Yeah, the product name is great, but the actual product is even better.

This handy bra can hold up to 3.5 bottles of wine, 64 shots of your favorite poison, or nearly 7 beers. And with the attached straw, you can sip, sip, sip to your heart’s content.

Holding liquor in your bra? WHY have I never thought of this?  The brilliance!  This bra kills about 27 birds with one stone.  A couple of dead birds:

1.  Best padded bra ever. You’ll start off the night with an enhanced rack, and by the time the liquor is drained, everyone else’s beer goggles will be so thick that they won’t even notice your deflation.

2.  You can sneak your booze of choice anywhere.  Graduation, class, your nerdy cousin’s piano recital,  AA meetings….  it’s at your service whenever you need it.  Practically the Onstar of alcoholism.

3.  You will easily be the coolest girl at any party. You spot a hot guy… so does every other girl.  They all mutter awkward forgettable “Uh hey, my name is uh something, what’s yours?” statements to him and his sidekicks.  And then you interject, “Hey!  I’ve got some Jack in my bra, wanna sip?” BAM. You win.

If anyone ever deserved a Nobel Prize, it’s whoever came up with this idea. Bravo, makers of the Wine Rack. BRAVO!!

Sometimes people get to the point where just drinking a drink isn’t enough. We all get into that rut and pull out the deck of cards or the stack of red cups. We get bored with the monotony and impatient for a good buzz. As the night goes on we begin to wonder if it would be more fun to perhaps shoot the alcohol into our mouths with a pistol, or tackle each other as we chug a frosty one. Or maybe mixing a little fire into the equation could be a good time?No.

These are bad ideas; each and every one of them. Drinking may be a huge part of the college experience but, there are just some things that shouldn’t be mixed with booze.

At Home Breathalyzer. This may seem like a good idea on the surface, but I’m here to warn you it’s not. Let’s think about the nature of college kids for a minute…. In a nutshell we are all competitive, fun-loving, idiots. Take those competitive, fun-loving idiots and add some alcohol and a Breathalyzer and you will have yourself a whole new drinking game called “Who can blow the highest BAC without dying.” I kid not.

Vodka Pong. If I ever have children they will turn 21 with the knowledge that you do not mess with hard liquor when playing drinking games. Who ever looked at a beer pong table and then looked at a bottle of Absolut and thought “hmm, that could be fun…” should not be allowed to drink ever again. One of three things will inevitably happens when these two forces of nature are combined: you will either 1) Lose the game (because there are no winners in Vodka Pong, 2) End up in the hospital, or 3) Wake up the next morning with sharpie on your face. None are fun endings.

Alcohol Shot Gun. I admit this looks incredibly fun, but for some inexplicable reason I fear for my eyes. I just have this knawing feeling that maybe your aim isn’t so good after being shot in the mouth with tequila a few dozen times. I also feel like the burning sensation of alcohol being shot into your cornea doesn’t feel so good. But that’s just my concern.

Drinkathlon. Like a decathlon but with drinking…  Get it? See above for reasons why college kids shouldn’t be trusted to mix sports and booze. Thats right hockey puck, I’m looking at you.

The Wine Rack. This isn’t dangerous per-say, but it did raise a lot of questions for me. What happens when you drink all the alcohol from your bra: does your rockin’ cleavage disappear? And what if this punctures and all that precious alcohol seeps into your brand new Forever 21 top? And, since it’s a sports bra, should I start drinking on the treadmill?

Flaming shots. Every time I see that video, I cringe and have to look away. No one should be trusted with alcohol and fire. No one.

Fire extinguishers. 

Why, it’s the Wine Rack, a bra stuffed with inflatable polyurethane cups to be filled with the liquor of one’s choice. To paraphrase the immortal Fergie, I’m going to get, get, get you drunk, get you love drunk off my hump(s). And I now have a spigot on my chest designed specifically for that purpose.

To be sure, there are a few drawbacks to the booze bra. First, it’s one of those horrifying, matronly jogging bra contraptions, which really cuts down on the aesthetic appeal. Second, IT’S A BRA FILLED WITH LIQUOR, for God’s sake. Forgetting, for the moment, any feminist concerns about artificially inflating one’s breast size, this just seems tremendously impractical.

If you trip and bump into a bookcase, you’ll be left smelling of booze, with deflated tits and a soggy, distended, ugly-assed brassiere. Hot, no?

Although it may be marketed to the ladies, the Booze Bra was almost certainly invented by dudes – specifically, dudes who refer to each other as “bro” a lot, wear Axe body spray to attract the chicks, and have long-standing subscriptions to Maxim. It seems, fundamentally, like a dating aid for doucheburgers, something guys would use to simultaneously pump up a girl’s chest and break down her judgment.

The smarmy advertising copy on the website really puts the last nail into the coffin. “Just think,” they exclaim, “secretly guzzling from your gazongas means no more waiting in line and paying for overpriced drinks at festivals, gigs and games.” They also note the potential money-saving powers of the bra, noting that “[you won’t] be buying anything for yourself with a chest this impressive.”

Yeah, that’s right, guys: I’m carrying the equivalent of two large glasses of beer on my chest, with all the attendant weight and back strain, FOR ME. It’s all because I am just TOO DARN BROKE to buy my own nachos.

Sadly, due to its popularity on the Interwebs, the Wine Rack is currently all sold out. If you want to try it for yourself, you’ll have to pre-order it and wait nearly a month for delivery. How many of those bras do you think were purchased by girls looking to get drunk off their own lady bits? How many do you think were purchased by guys who hoped that their girlfriends might wear them?

Now: which answer makes you sadder?