You know what I’ve always wanted to do? Pee standing up.

Seriously. Growing up with two brothers, I was always jealous of how quickly and easily they could rid themselves of their Yoo-Hoo juice boxes. I tried it a few times (I can’t believe I’m admitting this), but it was far from a success. Unless you consider washing the bathmat and changing my pants a success.

My desire for the speediness peeing standing up allowed only intensified with each passing bathroom line at a party. I attempted to use the men’s room many times – because there is never a line there – but the weird looks and disgusting floors became just too much for me. So I stopped. And I waited in line like a lady while my fellow squatters took their sweet ass time.

It is infuriating, boring and a total buzz kill. But it looks like it may be a problem no longer. Ladies, we can finally pee like the boys do. Read More »

Last night, while out at a tiny bar that had paper dragons on the ceiling but still managed to charge me 6 bucks for a half a shot of vodka and cranberry juice, I decided to brave the winding line for the bathrooms. (You should know I have a weird phobia about public bathrooms—or rather, a phobia about the locks in public bathrooms. I never trust the things. No matter where I am, I’m always convinced someone’s going to open the door on me. Convinced.)

Anyway, after finally squeezing myself into the tiny stall and finding the hidden light switch, I realized I was standing in one of the grossest places I had ever willingly ventured into. Unidentified water everywhere, overflowing trashcan, a toilet with half the seat broken off (I mean, how does that happen?), and a tampon box that defied imagination. This place was revolting with a capital Revulsion.

So now here comes the question women have to deal with all the time; how does one actually pee in a place that’s sure to infect you with every disease God has ever created?

Option 1: The Squat. This is basically a move that keeps your skin from actually coming into contact with anything disgusting. A lot of times this move is difficult in tight jeans and small spaces, but it can be done. Just make sure that cute underwear you just bought is held safely out of pee range.

Option 2: The Half-Cheek. If you’re in a super hurry and don’t really care about the thousands of other people who have used the place before you, you can sit on the seat so just enough of one cheek is touching it. This move gives you optimum balance with minimal skin on porcelain contact. Read More »