When I was in 8th grade, I went from flat-as-a-board to a large C in a matter of months; when I discovered binge drinking in college, my Freshman Fifteen accumulated in my breasts, and I was busting out of 36 DD bras, but refused to buy anything bigger because I felt like a freak. Over the past year, a strict cardio regimen has reduced my girls to a 34 DD, but I still long for the old days: a perky pair no bigger than a handful. That being said, why Miss Hershey would intentionally strive for the “World’s Biggest Breasts” is beyond me.

I can’t wear halter tops. Tube tops have never even been an option. Empire waists cut across the middle of my boobs, and any triangle cut will have me looking like a prostitute. To all the petite girls out there: the next time you are getting ready to go out to a bar or club, pick something out that doesn’t fall into one of these categories. More often than not, I end up feeling like a librarian when I’m surrounded by girls who can show off their shoulders, backs, and not-obscene cleavage.

My boobs are embarrassing. Once a friend developed a picture of me, and doubled over with laughter because my jugs looked ginormous in the pic. I’ve also had small children point and laugh. I worked at a restaurant with a female manager who was notorious for not buttoning her blouse all the way, and a coworker called her out on her unprofessional cleavage. Her response? “Kathryn shows off her cleavage!” Not willing to be her scapegoat, I snapped, “I could wear a turtleneck and I’d still have cleavage.” It was only funny because, sadly, it’s true.

I wish I could see what I’d look like with a more proportioned rack. I bet I’d look like I lost ten pounds, if only my upper “half” didn’t account for 75% of my body weight. I bet my lady lumps wouldn’t fly out of control on the elliptical, despite being strapped in by a sports bra and support tank. Above all, I bet I would never, ever consider going under the knife for a breast enlargement surgery. Let alone NINE surgeries. Can breasts be too big? My vote is in: YES.

[Photo courtesy of Boinkology.com]