When I first started this internship, I had high expectations. I knew that it would be different than the other internship I had; I could tell from the interview alone that this one would be a little bit more exciting, a little bit more hands-on, and was definitely about a subject matter that I enjoy. And I have to say, I was pretty much right.

I think that my experience has been exactly what an interning experience should be: there have been highs and lows, exciting moments of feeling like an actual journalist and those back-to-earth moments of feeling like the lowest person on the office food-chain. There have been frustrating moments when I’ve felt like I just want to walk out and never come back (like a 12-hour day where there was absolutely NOTHING to do), and there have also been moments where I wouldn’t give up the job for the world (like when I got to interview Derek Jeter). I’ve had to deal with some rude people, but I’ve also gotten the chance to meet some really amazing people. And probably the best thing was seeing my name in a national publication several times, and knowing that my hard work in school was finally starting to pay off a little.

But now it’s almost the end of August, and as much as I’d like to stay at this magazine for the next few years, it doesn’t seem possible. Never mind the fact that I’ve been interning for close to 8 months and it’s starting to look a little pathetic, but I think this is the best time to move on and learn about other areas of the industry, meet new people, and get even more experience. So in a week I will be going to another publication, and yes, it’s another internship. I may not be getting paid for what I do, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had a big, bitter taste of the real world.

Here’s what I’ve learned from my all-you-can-eat buffet of real life:

1. Some people are not going to be that nice. You always hear people say, ‘in the real world, no one’s going to be nice to you.’ And while there are definitely some amazing people out there who WILL be nice to you, there are also the people who won’t be. And that’s fine. As long as you know it has nothing to do with you, the experience will only make you stronger. A little quicker to fire back.

2. Celebrities are not as intimidating as I thought they would be. My first celeb interview was with Katharine McPhee, and I was terrified. I had never really had a conversation with a star before, and had no idea what to expect, visions of crazy, snobby celebs going through my head. But McPhee couldn’t have been nicer, and after a few months of meeting even bigger celebrities and interviewing them, I found out that they weren’t as intimidating to talk to as everyone thinks they will be (the worst part is standing in front of them seeing exactly just how beautiful they really are). Now I feel like if I could interview celebrities, I can interview (and be interviewed by…) anyone.

3. You should be nice to EVERYONE. One day when I first started my internship, I had a quick chat with someone who worked there – only to find out later that it was the editor-in-chief (I immediately panicked and went through the entire convo in my head about 50 times to make sure I didn’t say anything dumb). When you’re working within the industry of your choice, you might not know who everyone is and the best thing to do is just be nice to everyone, regardless of whether they deserve it or not. No one likes the snobby intern who thinks she’s better then everyone else. And, trust me on this one, people talk…a lot; whatever reputation you have will spread quickly.

4. Always do the tasks no one else wants to do. If I was asked to stay late, I stayed late. If they needed a volunteer to get a ridiculous amount of coffee for the entire office, I did it. And any other small and annoying task that had everyone rolling their eyes, I did those too. It’s a great way to stand out, because it made my editor see I wasn’t just there for the cool stuff, that I was there because I really wanted to get ahead.

5. What I really want to do is write. This internship has been amazing, but the only negative is the limited opportunity to write. At first I thought I could handle working at a magazine like that, but after a few months, I know that’s not true. I graduated with a degree in print journalism because I love writing, not because I wanted to stalk celebrities. No matter what else came out of my 8 months of interning, figuring out exactly what I want in life was definitely the most important.

Here’s hoping to getting a job soon and leaving interning behind!

LOVE HER.

I’ve been a fan of Ann Brashares for a decade. “The Sisterhood” series is one of my favorites and practically defines my young adolescence. So, when the opportunity to interview Ann Brashares and review her new book “My Name is Memory” came up, I jumped at the chance! I’m still in shock that I had an actual conversation with one of my favorite authors.

Below, find the interview with one of the neatest women I have ever met and then the review of My Name is Memory.

When did you first know that you wanted to be a writer?

I’ve always been a big reader. I’ve always loved books, I’ve always loved stories. And I’ve always told myself stories. I used to write some of them down, but I didn’t really have the idea of being a writer. Somehow, I didn’t imagine that it was something I could actually do as a job so I got a job after college as a receptionist at a small company that produced books mostly for children and young adults. And I was madly attracted to that, to the idea of being in that atmosphere where people were working on books. And little by little I was able to take on some editorial responsibilities and got promoted eventually to being an assistant editor and senior editor and finally I think I was editor-in-chief and then I ended up buying the company with a partner.

So I was a small-business owner for a brief time. Basically I was working on a lot of manuscripts, as an editor. I was revising them, working with writers, writing revision letters, writing cover copies, and doing line editing, which is a real art and I just loved it and worked on it for years and years. So I did that for about ten or eleven years and as I did I realized that my strengths were definitely not administrative and not managerial. They were not organizational in any way. The thing that I was good at and the thing that I loved was just being close to the manuscript and I became known as the kind-off expert re-writer. So if a book was in trouble I would be brought in to do major re-writes, like write 200 pages of a book. And that was so much fun because there’s no ego in that – I just wanted to try to get into a voice and do the best job I could. And the closer I was to the most creative part of it, the happier I was. And finally I did this gigantic re-write and I gave it to an editor at Random House, who was publishing the book. She read over my work and said, “If you ever decide to be a writer, please show me your work. I strongly encourage you to be a writer.” I was very fearful about it and was afraid that I couldn’t do it, but finally with her encouragement and encouragement from other places, I decided to kind of take a risk and I wrote my first book.

So what was that first book?

It was the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

That’s an amazing book to have as your first!

Yes, it was a good start. It was a really lucky start, too.

How did you come up with “My name is memory”?

We were on vacation at the beach and I had just gone running, which always makes my mind work better and more creatively and I was thinking about this cinematic picture in my head of this couple, this young man and woman and they’re in this uncertain, but very, very dire situation, like they’re facing death. And somehow, the young man comforts the woman, saying that somehow he is going to find her again, like this isn’t the end. He’s never actually tried to convince anyone of this and she believes him. And I was thinking, “Well, why is he so sure of this?” Why does he think that he’s going to be able to find her again? And why does he think that he can navigate and see from the other side of death? And I thought, because he’s died and lived again. Then I had this whole idea that he has this memory and I started to build a bit of the mythology underlying this book. And primarily the idea that there is this character, Daniel, who has this very long, intense history and the memory of all of it.

Do you believe in reincarnation as it is a major theme in this new book?

No, I don’t know if I do. I’m fascinated by it and I feel like as a lens to view the world it’s interesting. I don’t have any religious conviction about it, but I’m interested in it and I find it from a storytelling point of view, very fascinating.

What do you think you would have done in a past life?

That’s an interesting question. I feel like I’m very drawn to certain periods of history, so I feel like maybe I’ve lived then, like I have some connection to it. I’m interested in the period of World War 1 in Europe, which is probably why I set parts of the book there. I imagine that wherever I’ve been, I would have been attracted to books and stories. Part of my idea in this book is that people think that if they have been reincarnated then they must have been like Marie Antoinette or all these sort of fabulous historical people and chances are probably most of us were pretty normal people. I don’t imagine for myself anything very exotic or [an] elevated life.

What is your favorite book?

Gosh, I should have a quick and good answer to that question. It always stops me in my tracks because it’s so hard to pick one. I feel like I could pick my twenty favorite books. It’s almost prismatic, all your favorite books. As they come together, they explain you a little bit. There have been so many books that I’ve loved totally. As a child, I loved those Frances Hodgson Burnett books: Little Princess and The Secret Garden. Those are probably the books that I have read the greatest number of times.

What is your favorite book of yours?

That’s such a tough question. I feel like I have such a maternal relationship to the books. I don’t want to single one out. The one that I’m closest to now is My Name is Memory because it’s the one I’ve been thinking about. As it recedes deeper into my past, I’ll think more about the new one I’m working on and immersing myself in my new book. My first book will always have a special place because it was how I became a writer. The Second Summer of the Sisterhood is one of my favorites. I worked on it for a very long time and I really struggled with it. Each book I feel so connected to, it’s hard to reject any in favor of any other.

The Second Sisterhood is my favorite as well!

I don’t know what it is about that book. It was one of the hardest ones to write, but I look at it and I feel really proud of it.

Because this website is called CollegeCandy, think back to your college experience. What advice would you give to college-age people?

I would say study what you love. You think that you need to be practical and in some ways, maybe it’s a good idea. But no matter what you’re going to do, college should be a time to learn and to explore your own mind and learn how to learn. Develop your intellect and do whatever it takes to do that. Because studying what you want is really going to develop your mind and your heart as well. I feel like I was a little bit too serious in college and I was in a big hurry to grow up and as I look back, I wish I hadn’t been. You have the entire rest of your life for that.

Are you working on any other novels right now? Can you give us a hint?

When I finished writing the four books about the Sisterhood, I wanted it to have an end, but at the same time I didn’t want to have these characters go on forever, so I decided to challenge myself to write new and other things, with the idea that I could come back to them. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s now ten years later and I’m coming back to them as women.

And the “Memory” series continues too?

Yes, I have a lot of plans for it, but I haven’t started it yet. It came to me as a three-act drama. I’m very eager to get to finish it.

Review of “My Name is Memory”

“My Name is Memory” is quite different from Ann Brashares’ other books. With a touch of science fiction and written like a thriller, it’s an exciting ride that I couldn’t put down. Seriously, I totaled this one in a mere three days, just reading before bed and well into the wee hours of the morning.

“Memory” tells the story of Daniel, a young man who has what he refers to as the Memory. He has lived and died many times and remembers each of his past lives vividly. He says the this condition is rare, but he has met a few others with it along the way. Daniel has been on a quest for thousands of years to find his love, Sophia, and finally live their current life together. They have been ripped apart every time they find each other, so when Daniel and Sophia end up living nearby, and are the same age, he is thrilled but terrified. Sophia doesn’t have the Memory, so in this life she is just Lucy, a normal American girl and even though she is drawn to the mysterious Daniel, she has no idea of their past. Eventually, Daniel tells Lucy of their history, but she is scared and overwhelmed and doesn’t believe him. After several years, Lucy visits a psychic who talks about Daniel and she decides to get to the bottom of the mystery surrounding them.

I won’t give any more plot away, but I will say this one was FABULOUS! I can’t believe that the woman who wrote “The Sisterhood” series, books about teen girls, can write a slightly science-fiction, adult book just as well. Brashares is truly a talented writer and such a imaginative person. The characters she has created for “Memory” are wonderful. They are so complex, yet believable and real and I understood the story from both Daniel and Lucy’s side. Like I said before, I got so wrapped up in this one, I wasn’t able to even put it down.

The love story was what really got me though; I love my boyfriend and kept putting us in this scenario. I can’t imagine how heart-breaking it must be for Daniel to live for thousands of years, only hoping to be loved back by this one woman and that never happening. His one friend with the Memory, Ben, tells him to move on and practice loving other people, but Daniel’s heart truly belongs to Sophia, so he will spend eternity trying to find her and convince her of their past.

I also really liked how Ann utilized the reincarnation theme to its fullest extent. I’m sure everyone has had a moment of deja vu or has some irrational fears and she explains those. Everything in this life that seems silly or strange, isn’t random at all; you’ve experienced something in a past life that made you that way. She also says that people tend to come back together, so you’re best friend now may have been your mother in a past life, etc. It’s comforting to think that the people you’re close to now are the people who you have always been close to, since the beginning of time.

“My Name is Memory” is the perfect summer read. Whether inside on a rainy afternoon, or enjoying a sunny day at the beach, it’s simply a great book. Just make sure that you give yourself ample time to dig into this one because you’re going to be busy for a while!

I mean, sure the 5-day old oatmeal tasted fresh enough, I’m not trying to sit here and bash eating leftovers. But it couldn’t make up for the fact that I had no co-workers, no real office, and no one believing that freelancing was a real job. So I did what any qualified writer does when she’s looking for a legitimate job: I got back on Craigslist, found the job of my dreams, and applied immediately. Unfortunately it turns out that my pre-puberty body prevents me from being an escort. Another dream crushed.

But I wouldn’t let that stop me. I found four more almost ideal jobs: babysitting an incontinent 80-year-old blind man, being a drug mule on the Mexican border, working for Coed Media Group, and having a sex change and appearing on Tyra 1-3 times to talk about the experience.

Only Coed Media called me back. For those of you who don’t spend your days Googling “but seriously, stop messing around, who really owns CollegeCandy?” you should know that Coed Media Group owns College Candy. That small fact will be a great ice-breaker and trivia question at dinner parties for years to come. I promise you that you will instantly be the life of every party if you pull that fact out. Of course, that’s assuming you only attend parties where guests are constantly asking each other about blog ownership.

Despite my slovenly appearance and my inability to answer normal interview questions like “what are your strengths and weaknesses and bra size,” they hired me. Which means two things: all my CollegeCandy blogging has paid off, and it is indeed possible to get a job in the media industry. However, I’ve had to spend the last week listening to people congratulate me on finally getting a job. As if I’ve been spending the last 6 months wandering around NYC and hitting on homeless men who openly pee on pay phones. (And come on people, everyone knows that’s a job best accomplished at night.)

But, even though this exciting new venture will bring a lot of changes to my life (trading in my slippers for shoes with laces and pulling out the ole alarm clock), the biggest change will be the reactions from those around me. Yes, instead of getting the confused eyebrow scrunch and “What exactly is it that you do?” I will now be getting the confused eyebrow scrunch and, “Wait, you’re working for a blog, but how do you make money?”

Looking forward to it.

"Tard pills? Hilarious!"

As every CollegeCandy writer knows, blog commenters can be brutal. Like, kill your self-esteem and make you question everything you’ve ever written brutal. People who you have never met will take the time to dissect your blog and tear it apart sentence by sentence. No typo goes unnoticed and no opinion goes unbashed.

I’m writing for four different blogs now so half my day is consumed with writing them and the other half is spent reading comments filled with racial slurs, homophobic comments, and sentences written in all CAPS. Nothing says “I hate the way you blog about puppies,” like a 6 paragraph comment written in caps and exclamation marks. Sometimes there are so many asterisks in a single word that I can’t even figure out what kind of motherf***ing***tard I am.

I’ve gotten so used to the negative comments that I’ve begun to crave them. It’s kinda like how many people will tell me today that I’m clearly writing from my mom’s basement (I wish…talk about cheap rent and endless things to talk about in therapy). And how many middle-aged men with usernames like DildoMongoDemento can tell me I “forgot to take my retard pills.” Note: If it was true that I forgot to take these so-called retard pills, it would be pretty amazing that I was able to successfully blog and post. Like I am Sam-meets-Forrest-Gump amazing.

However the one comment that never ceases to confuse me is “you sound fat.” I would understand if I was writing blogs titled “100 ways to eat a stick of butter” and “Why you have to order a Bacon-cheeseburger martini this weekend!” But I’m not. And it’s not like I’m blogging about male fashion trends and writing statements like “fedoras are the jelly donut of the fashion world.” If I were, I could stop describing everything with the adjective mouth-watering.

But while I may never figure out why “I sound fat,” or why people feel the need to spend their time tearing me apart, I’ll always appreciate the jaw-dropping offensive comments I receive. For one, it means people are reading what I write (and that’s the ultimate goal of a writer, isn’t it?), and it keeps my ego at a healthy low and ensures that I’m up to speed on all the many ways you can combine curse words and slurs.

However, if you play your cards right, you can find great success after college. Sure, some of us will spend years after college struggling to pay off student loans and going on interview after interview, sometimes for entry-level jobs we are overqualified for but still can’t seem to nab. But some of us are on the brink of making headlines, like these uber-successful post-grad powerhouses have done in recent years.

1. Lin-Manuel Miranda

Lin-Manuel Miranda went to Wesleyan University in Connecticut, a school where tuition runs at over $38 grand a year, plus $10-12,000 for room and board expenses. While attending Wesleyan, Miranda, a native of Inwood, New York City, turned his life experience into a theatrical production that has exploded since his graduation from the University in 2002. Miranda is the composer and lyricist behind the smash hit musical In the Heights, which was produced at Wesleyan, picked up for off-Broadway, and transferred to the Great White Way in 2008. Miranda, an actor-slash-rapper who originated the lead role, Usnavi, in his own show, picked up a Tony award last spring and is currently slated to reprise the role when it hits the silver screen.

2. Mark Zuckerberg

Love Facebook today, hate it tomorrow. Either way, Mark Zuckerberg is rolling in dough. Zuckerberg actually dropped out of Harvard to focus on the social networking site that changed the face of the internet forever (saving over $30,000 a year in tuition). This May, Zuckerberg will celebrate a milestone birthday- the quarter-century mark, and with an estimated networth of about $1.5 billion, it’s bound to be one kick-ass party. Check your mini-feed for event details.

3. Fred De Luca

Fred De Luca didn’t become an entrepreneur in college; he opened his own sandwich shop at 17 to raise money to pay for college. When De Luca graduated from the University of Bridgeport with his Bachelor’s degree, his Subway sandwich shops were already taking over Connecticut, and today the chaine consists of over 30,000 stores worldwide. Today, the University of Bridgeport isn’t too daunting, with the relatively low tuition rate of about $23,000 per year- a mere fraction of the $1.5 billion De Luca has netted through his enterprise.

4. Alice Sebold

Alice Sebold didn’t find financial success as quickly as Lin-Manuel Miranda, Mark Zuckerberg, or Fred De Luca, but after being violently raped at Syracuse University as a freshman, she made several amazing accomplishments that have led her down the path of a bestselling author. Not only did Sebold finish her degree from $45,000-a-year Syracuse, but she faced down her attacker in court and later developed the real-life story into her acclaimed memoir, Lucky. Sebold’s next book, and most well-known work, is The Lovely Bones, a film version of which will be released later this year.

5. Stephanie Joanne Angelina Germanotta

This former student at NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts now goes by the stage name Lady Gaga. Before she could legally drink, Gaga was working as a songwriter at Interscope Records, penning hits for the Pussycat Dolls. Gaga studied music at Tisch, but showed off her smarts in several classes (hey she was paying like $40 g’s in tuition, might as well take advantage), writing research papers on topics such as art, religion, and socio-political order. Now a mega popstar, Steph is also quite the philanthropist, who has made donations to help raise money for schools in Los Angeles affected by educational budget cuts.

These are just a few major names who hit big before, during, or after college by combining their education and talent to explode into household names. Think you have what it takes to start up your own business? Check out the top most profitable businesses for college entrepreneurs. Relying on your talents to pay the rent? Use your time in college to work on your skills– as Norah Jones did. “In college I had a weekend gig at a restaurant, a solo thing that was the best practice I could have ever had. That’s where I learned to coordinate my singing and my piano playing,” the Grammy-award winning singer has stated.

President Obama lamented on the huge rates of both high school and college dropouts in his speech last night. You’re already winning the battle – you’re enrolled! – SSo take advantage of your higher education and maybe we’ll see you on the cover of Forbes in a few years.

And your three best friends are the only people who read it.

But you don’t care; you’ll get there. And even if you don’t, you have so much fun blogging that you keep tip-tapping away…while thinking in the back of your mind that maybe – just maybe – there is a chance that this will somehow turn into a job after college.

Well, we can’t promise you that, but we did just get word that all those hours you log in documenting your life on your creatively titled website (I once had “LaurenIsFunny.com”….for real) could be worth $10,000 in college scholarships.

Yeah, you heard me.

CollegeScholarships.org is giving away a $10K blogger scholarship! To any college student with a blog. Even if you didn’t have a blog until just this second!

You can get all the deets on their website, so hop on over and check it out.

The economy sucks, the costs of college are rising and you could be $10,000 richer just for typing up a few things about your life while lounging on your bed? I know – it’s almost too good to be true.

But it’s not. Because those dudes over at CollegeScholarships.org support the bloggers (and future blogers) of America. They too work from home in their PJs blog for a living and want to help others reach that goal. So start writing, apply for the scholarship and send us a little money when you win.

Or just let us know about your blog so we can spread the word.

[Photo courtesy of www.enetincome.com]

Wrong. They are out there – you just need to find them.

HOW TO FIND THE FALL INTERNSHIP OF YOUR DREAMS

1. Create a Dream List – A “Dream List” is a complete countdown of the companies you dream of working at in the future. If you are interested in becoming a magazine writer this list might say “Cosmo, Seventeen, Oprah, Cosmogirl, Allure, Redbook.” Try to write down between 8-10 companies that you’d be interested in working for.

2. Take your dream list and bring it down a few notches. If your dream magazine to work at is “US Weekly” then do some research and see what local magazines your city/town has to offer. Most big cities have at least one publication dedicated to their location. If your dream internship is to work at Lehman Brothers than take it down a level and see what financial firms are in your local area.

3. Reach out. Do whatever you need to do to at least find a main number to these companies. Going to the company’s website is usually your best bet. There is usually a “Contact Us” button at the bottom of the page. If not, try the “Terms of Use” or “About Us”; they should at least list a city where the company is headquartered. If you know the city the company is based out of you can at least look that up on yp.yahoo.com or another directory search. When you call these companies ask to speak with the Internship coordinator. If you get a voicemail, leave a clear message and state your phone number. If you don’t hear back in 3 days then call again to follow up. Don’t be annoying about it but at the same time – stay on it. Putting in one call usually does not get the job done. Remember to always thank the person on the phone for taking the time to speak with you.

4. Follow Up: Once you make contact with the Internship Coordinator, make sure to ask exactly how to apply for the internship, what the internship deadline is, what the time requirements are, and what materials they’d like from you.

This is a great first step to securing the internship you want!

Please visit the Intern Queen’s website and find your Fall Internship at www.quarterlife.com/intern

There are virtually no female comedic ensembles who can sell movies like these guys can.

In the stand-up circuit, men generally receive the biggest reception. Recently, I went to a stand-up comedy review that featured twenty comics in one night. Of those twenty, only three women took the stage. Three. WTF?

Women are pretty damn funny, so why don’t we get the same appraisal as men get? Films like Old School put the Frat Pack on the map, while the hysterical chick flick The Sweetest Thing flopped at the box office. The Wedding Crashers cast has people rolling in the aisles, while far too many people have never seen Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz, and Selma Blair sing The Penis Song.

I took this assignment to cover the 5 Funniest Women out there, but quickly realized there is just too much talent to narrow it down so far. That said, what follows is my personal list of five of the wittiest women in the world, along with some honorable mentions. I welcome feedback, comments, and nominations, because I’m sure I’ve missed some ladies that can more than keep up with the boys.

1. Tina Fey

Tina Fey is one of my personal icons, and I give her kudos for becoming Saturday Night Live’s first female head writer. Fey’s writing has earned her a 2001 Writers Guild of America Award for SNL’s 25th anniversary special as well as a 2002 Emmy for the show.

Tina’s script for Mean Girls is distinctive from teen movies in the vein of Can’t Hardly Wait thanks to its satiric critique of high school. I don’t care how old I get; I will probably always find a way to greet someone with “Jambo!”, or a way to work, “Your mom’s chest hair” into a heated argument. Of course, let’s not forget her more recent work on Emmy Award-winning 30 Rock and Baby Mama.

One of my favorite recent Tina Fey bits is the Bitch is the New Black segment from Fey’s recent SNL hosting gig.

2. Wanda Sykes

Some people might equate the sound of Sykes’ voice to nails on a chalkboard, but I think this trait makes her stand out. A longtime colleague of Chris Rock, Sykes served on the writing team for The Chris Rock Show, which was nominated for four Emmys, winning one in 1999. I appreciate Sykes’ ability to add hilarity and sass to supporting roles in films such as Pootie Tang and Down to Earth.

On a personal note, I’ve seen Wanda Sykes’ stand up, and it can hold its own against the likes of male phenom, Chris Rock.

3. Margaret Cho

I think that Margaret Cho is one of the most underrated comedians out there. Her stand up career led to opening acts for Seinfeld and spots on a Bob Hope special and The Arsenio Hall Show. Though she won the American Comedy Award for Best Female Comedian in 1994, this distinction is often overshadowed by her flop sitcom All-American Girl (which I happened to watch religiously for its short cable career). On a side note, I think it’s awesome that Cho has been deputized by the City of San Francisco to perform marriages after same-sex marriage was legalized in California earlier this year. Humor and human rights are a great combination.

If you disagree with my putting Cho on this list, I suggest you watch the video she created with fellow comic Diana Yanez, a viral hit entitled My Puss. Then, Netflix some of her DVDs.

4. Sarah Silverman

I wasn’t impressed with Silverman’s role in School of Rock, but I do applaud her blunt comments at last year’s MTV VMA’s and Movie Awards.

In a couple of days, Paris Hilton is going to jail… As a matter of fact, I heard that to make her feel more comfortable in prison, the guards are going to paint the bars to look like penises. I think it is wrong, too. I just worry she is going to break her teeth on those things

Wow, [Britney Spears] is amazing. I mean, she is 25 years old, and she has already accomplished everything she’s going to accomplish in her life. It’s mind-blowing.

The real reason that Silverman is on this list is… you guessed it: the little gem of a birthday video presented to then-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel. How do you even think of something like this?

5. Ellen DeGeneres

Part of Ellen’s appeal (for me) is her genuine personality. I know, it’s all about humor here, but Ellen can make people laugh just by dancing around the set of her talk show. In the 1980s, Ellen was dubbed “a distaff version of Bob Newhart,” and won the title of funniest person in America (read: person not just “funniest female“).

In the 1990s, I was a fan of her sitcom Ellen, and of course, in addition to being a great show, Ellen and her show had a monumental impact on the Gay Rights Movement, also earning a 1997 Emmy for Outstanding Writing in a Comedy Series for the famous “coming out” episode. During the 90′s, Ellen was often referred to as a “female Seinfeld.”

I’m not usually a fan of talk shows, but Ellen’s sincere humor has earned 10 Daytime Emmy Awards. So, go Ellen, and congrats on finally marrying Portia DeRossi!

Honorable Mentions

I really wanted to include Amy Poehler and Maya Rudolph in the top five, but thought my obsession with SNL would make for a biased ‘Top Five’ list. Poehler was the first SNL member to be nominated for a Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy Emmy, and has loaned her quirky facial expressions to films such as Wet Hot American Summer, Mean Girls, Deuce Bigalow, Blades of Glory, and, of course, Baby Mama. She was the only one “man” enough to take Jimmy Fallon’s spot on Weekend Update, making her and Tina Fey the show’s first female team to host the segment.

As for Maya Rudolph? Come on! She can play just about any gender and any race. Whether playing Oprah Winfrey, Justin Guarini, Mario Vazquez, Christina Aguilera, Paris Hilton, Latoya Jackson, and Donatella Versace, Rudolph is always both convincing and side-splitting. Besides: she can freaking sing!

*Leslie Hall is probably a name you’ve never heard. But I highly recommend checking out some of the work from this satirical rap artist from Iowa who also operates a “gem sweater museum.”

*Natalie Portman is not someone you’d think of when you think of comediennes, but her SNL rap deserves some praise.

I know I’ve left out a lot of noteworthy women, but hey, it’s all relative. So if you disagree, feel free to let me know who you would vote for funniest female!

Now, before certain readers out there go all NARC on my ass, let me say that I make it a point to stay away from hard drugs. No coke, no herion…nothing that’s genetically altered to speed me towards an early death. I like to stick to the hippie stuff; weed, shrooms, hashish…you know, things that come from nature. And I’m very careful about who I purchase this stuff from. Those of us that partake in these sorts of relaxation techniques should always be careful about that sort of thing. People are a**holes.

Right, so public service announcement over. What I’m really writing about is this article I recently read on Salon.com about Salvia, a hallucinogenic substance that’s illegal in about 10 states and is probably going to be made illegal in a bunch more very soon. According to the author of the article (and a few friends of mine), Salvia is super potent — but only for 5 to 10 minutes. Apparently, you will trip off your ass and see the weirdest sh*t in the world (including Aztec Gods…or at least that’s what the writer saw), but it’ll all be over in minutes.

Lots of people want Salvia banned because, well, I mean…it can basically be classified as a drug, and if weed is going to be criminalized, allowing Salvia to be bought over the internet kind of makes the whole keep pot illegal argument look stupid.

Based on the descriptions in the Salon article, and descriptions from my friends (“I was sitting inside the sun, dude. Like, literally inside the sun. It was all round and hot. Like SO hot. And crazy BRIGHT!! How did I not go BLIND?!“), I’m not really eager to jump on the Salvia bandwagon. It sounds a little too intense for my taste. I smoke to relax, not travel to the 5th dimension, and any trip that people recommend having a “sober buddy around” for is not a trip I really want to be taking.

Have any of you ever had experiences with Salvia? Do you think it should be illegal?

The elimination of most of my music and pretty much any TV has been an interesting change to my morning. Luckily, my hangover from Saturday night kept me in bed for most of the day, and thus helped it go by a little faster. I made it through my Love Diet playlist about two and a half times before I decided silence might be a nice alternative to my new favorite 17 love-free songs.

I cleaned my apartment to an extent that left every surface not only sparkling clean but also disinfected. I did my nails, and even a bit of reading. No serenading, love notes or tokens of affection to speak of. And I am cool with that; maybe I am just on a residual high from yesterday.

It is the night I think that makes things hard. The evenings and/or nights are where I usually sit down on the couch and mindlessly get absorbed into TV for a while or watch a movie; obviously falling victim to the ideas of well paid writers who make a living off romantic suckers like me. Not tonight, I read the newspaper — a very unromantic newspaper — cover to cover. I just might turn into the most aware person I know.

So, at the end of the day I have to question if this is actually going to make any kind of difference at all. Twenty-four hours has not made me forget about the romance that I desire so much, will another 144? Am I really going to be able to shake my unrealistic ideas of romance and just be wowed by the everyday little things?

And the answer, well, I have no idea…