I’m sick of them, so sick that if I see something about them on E! News or in a magazine I have to turn it off or stop reading. And then punch something and question the heavens above as to why they exist.

That’s not okay with me. So join me in my quest to rid the world of these offending celebs:

5. Tom Cruise- We loved you in Top Gun, Rain Man, and Mission Impossible, but the whole Scientology/keep Katie Holmes captive thing is down right annoying. There are not little aliens inside of you. You also happen to be a hypocrite: you criticized Brooke Shields for using antidepressants to take care of depression, an illness, and yet most recently were quoted saying, “They say, ‘Get your physical, get your medication, get your physical illnesses handled.’” Which is it Tom? Get your medication or don’t? You confuse me. And Valkyrie sucked. Go back to Xenu.

4. Jessica Simpson- Personally, I love your music, but you’ve become a fallen star. We don’t want to see you sticking your tongue down Tony Romo’s throat or licking cake off of his face. We don’t want to see your attempts to get more attention than your sister, who looks fab post-pregnancy, by the way. She’s overshadowed you, Jess, and good for her because she lived in yours for too long. Either get in the studio or stay out of the limelight.

3. Amy Winehouse- I’m sick of seeing emaciated, cracked out pictures of you. You have had a beautiful voice once upon a time, but the only thing we hear from you now is the sound of whiskey being poured down your troat. Your skeezy husband is just as crazy as you, and we don’t want to hear about him either. You have a problem. Please go to rehab (yes yes yes) and then make a comeback. Just look at Britney – she did it and now she’s hotter than ever.

2. Madonna- I never liked Madge, but I especially don’t like her this year. She cheated on her husband, who I’ve heard is a very nice man, with A-Rod of all people. Now she’s whoring herself out to a male model named Jesus. Not only am I sick of Madonna, but I’m actually afraid of her, too. Have you seen the veins sticking out of her arms? I think everyone can do without that in 2009.

1. Miley Cyrus- Possibly the most annoying “celebrity” of this day and age. The only reason she’s famous is because Billy Ray got her a TV show on the Disney Channel. She can’t act, and she can’t sing either (it’s a shame her songs are so catchy). And maybe her teeth can use a little work. I’m sick of seeing her face on every backpack and tshirt in the mall, and especially sick of seeing pictures of her pulling up her shirt and showing us her training bra. She’s fifteen. And I’ve already had enough.

“Xenu, according to Scientology founder (and speculative fiction writer) L. Ron Hubbard, was the dictator of the “Galactic Confederacy” who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of his people to Earth in DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes and killed them using hydrogen bombs. Scientology holds that their essences remained, and that they form around people in modern times, causing them spiritual harm.” -Wikipedia

It sounds like a bad episode of the Twilight Zone, but it’s unnervingly something that a hell of a lot of people believe in. With an estimate lingering uncertainly between 50,000 and several million, Scientology is a popular rising “religion”, getting more followers by the day.

Like Will Smith and wifey Jada Pinkett Smith.

I heard this in passing a couple months ago, but it was right after the release of I Am Legend and I just dismissed it as a bad rumor. But PerezHilton seems to have picked up on it, too, and I can’t say that it doesn’t unnerve me.

For those of you know don’t know, Scientology has been around since the early 1950′s. It was founded by a sci-fi author named L. Ron Hubbard, who stated that the aims of Scientology were, “A civilization without insanity, without criminals and without war, where the able can prosper and honest beings can have rights, and where man is free to rise to greater heights.”

All and all it sounds like a fairly harmless religion, and far be it for me to judge anyone on their faith. But it’s less like a religion and more like a cult, and it wouldn’t be such a problem if it weren’t so dangerous. There are far too many people that have died because of Scientology, and yet it’s still growing strong, getting more and more supporters by the day.

There’s even a huge group of people who are against Scientology; only really known as Anonymous (though other protesters and critics joined in), there have been two very recent rallies against Scientology across the world, and the one in February had an attendance of over 7,500 people.

If you’d like, you can go to Operation Clambake to learn more about Scientology and why it’s as intimidating as it is. Like I said; I’m in no real position to judge anyone’s religion. But when the boundaries are erased and basic human rights infringed upon, it doesn’t matter how many celebrities are on the cover of the magazine. I’m a lot more concerned about the contents.

So Will, this better be some crazy rumor, because I don’t want to lose you to Scientology.

The rumors of brainwashing and cult status have hardly effected The Celebrity Centre’s “seekers of truth” as they pile in daily to find a path to spiritual enlightenment. Their beliefs seem to fall somewhere between basic human ethics and a science fiction novel, stirring up a wide spread controversy about the agenda of founder L. Ron Hubbard and the financially lucrative empire Scientology has become.

In anticipation of this article I decided to go straight to the sources before embarking on my research. But the more Scientologists I speak to the less I seem to learn about the religion itself. When interviewing a friend of a friend whose parents are active in the Centre and the Congregation, his answers hardly made any sense at all.

For instance: “Do you believe in God?” launched the same question back. “As a Scientologist, you choose whether or not you believe in a higher power. Every follower has a different perspective that can be applied to the religion”. The entire conversation left me with no direct conclusions to the mysteries that lie within the teachings. It seemed after speaking to a life long follower that even die hard Scientologists have a hard time putting their interpretations into perspective. It’s indistinct conclusions can easily apply to anyone and everyone with even the most minor sense of morality. So what exactly separates Scientologists from the rest of us?

Well, for starters they believe in Xenu, a galactic ruler who, 75 million years ago carried billions of humans to the planet, placed them around volcanoes, blowing them up with hydrogen bombs, causing their homeless souls to stick to the bodies of the living. Confused yet? It does sound more along the lines of Scientologist John Travolta’s film Battlefield Earth (based on a novel by Hubbard) than the doctrine that accompanies the contemporary religious belief. A better title for the box office bomb may have been “Incident 2”, as it is referred to in their scriptures. The events associated with “Incident 2” may also be referred to as “The R6 Implant” or “The Wall of Fire”. There was something about discovering blatantly twisted beliefs like these in my research that lead me to believe Hubbard was not creating a religion at all, but a statement on religion itself. With a sense of irony, something tells me that these impossible beliefs hold no actual investment. They simply exist to see who is vulnerable enough to actually believe them and in turn who will pay to a join the elitist club.

We have all seen the fold out tables conveniently placed in train stations during rush hour adorned with signs above reading “Stress Test”. What New Yorker, or human being for that matter, isn’t overwhelmed by the stress of daily life? This stress test or “tone scale” is more than just a public service for the aggravated commuter. The tone scale is a characterization of human mood. Ranging from a positive to a negative tone forty, it is measured from total failure to serenity of being. It is believed that the lower you score on this scale the less your interactions with the world will mean.

Out of curiosity, and a desire to form a full fledged opinion on the topic, I decided to give it a try. In the test, they not only questioned my ability to listen and believe in the ideas of others but I was surprised to find that they actually asked about my ability to be hypnotized. Chris, the seemingly normal young man that administered the test hardly ever seemed to blink when he looked into my eyes. He leaned closer as if revealing sensitive information and informed me that on a scale of forty I was a 2.5. When I asked what exactly that meant, he told me that I have a small group of close friends, I feel that others sometimes misunderstand me, I don’t achieve all the goals that I set for myself, and that my potential for success is fair, but can be considerably increased.

Only affirming all of my opinions when it comes to religious cults like this, I fled before he even got a chance to finish his pitch on Hubbard’s best selling book “Dianetics“, (a steal for eight dollars) but opted for a metro card over contrived spiritual enlightenment. So I guess for someone like me, on the low end of the tone scale the point would be to raise my score. This increase in points can be achieved by what they call “auditing”.

Auditing is the main concern among Scientology challengers. It is widely thought of as brain washing or a mental manipulation. It is in essence, designed to bring the subconscious mind to the surface, causing participants to become more susceptible to suggestion and or mind control. Typically preying on the weak and vulnerable, it is said that the philosophies are often used by former addicts and alcoholics as a means to stay sober. It seems to rob worshipers of the ability to form individual conclusions, removing them from the same unenlightened society that isolated them in the first place. In this feeling of abandonment comes a greater sense of solidarity from the Centre and the community. In a nutshell, it serves as blatant propaganda.

After speaking to another friend and former Scientologist, I was informed that many people believe L. Ron Hubbard started the religion on a bet. Also, he implied that many think the celebrity endorsements stem from blackmail. Another friend, an aspiring actor, had answered an ad in the trade paper Backstage a few years ago. He was surprised to find that the callback for the seemingly ordinary commercial was being held at the Los Angeles Celebrity Centre. After reading the very basic dialogue they suggested that he stay for an audit but he of course declined and never returned. Weeks later, he received a strange phone call from a woman named Carla. Carla began asking questions about his credit report and school records, even mentioning his social security number. Confused, he asked where she was calling from. The answer was of course; The Scientology Centre which prompted an immediate hang up, not to mention an examination of the questionable means The Centre uses to perform background checks on potential followers. After hearing this I decided it was time to investigate who exactly L. Ron Hubbard was and how all of this began.

Hubbard wasn’t always a spiritual leader, in fact published under pseudonyms, he was the author of novellas that ran in pulp magazines in the 1930s, mostly centering around psychological horror and science fiction. Twenty years later Hubbard published a book describing the self improvement techniques of Dianetics entitled “Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health”, introducing the concept of auditing. Mainstream publishers were hardly interested and medical professionals wouldn‘t even entertain the idea, so the manuscript was turned over to science fiction editor John W. Campbell. The book was even publicized in the magazine “Astounding Science Fiction”. Author Jack Williamson described the philosophy as “a lunatic revision of Freudian psychology” that “had the look of a wonderfully rewarding scam.” Dianetics was shunned by The American Psychological Association saying; “they call attention to the fact that these claims are not supported by empirical evidence”. In spite of this controversy, the Los Angeles Centre was born spawning both believers and outrage around the world.

Hubbard’s private life was also making headlines when in the late 1950s his second wife filed for divorce. Not only had Hubbard already been married at the time of their union but the divorce papers also imply that he had kidnapped their daughter and exposed her to “strangulation, scientific torture experiments, beatings, and systemic torment.” To make matters worse, in 1977 the FBI raided the Scientology Centre finding blatant documentation of illegal activities towards the US Government and personal enemies of Hubbard himself, including bomb threats and conspiracies. Also uncovered was “The Snow White Program” Hubbard attempted to reduce or remove inauspicious reports on Scientology or himself especially those detained by the U.S. Internal Revenue Service.

The last five years of Hubbard’s life were anything but enlightened. He wandered the deserts of Creston, California surrounded on a ranch by his aides and handlers. He handed his Scientology empire over to those he trusted and became a virtual prisoner of his own paranoia, fearing actual prison after indictment in the Snow White program. His wife returned to Los Angeles after serving a sentence for her part in the infamous court case, but would never see her husband again. L. Ron Hubbard died of a stroke in a 1982 Bluebird motor home on January 24th, 1986 , just one day after signing his last will and testament.

Clearly, even if he was wrong about Xenu the alien or the theory that human beings derive from Clams, his legacy thrives to this day. As Hubbard himself stated, “Freedom is for honest people. No man who is not himself honest can be free – he is his own trap.” Finally, a work of non-fiction by an author with an overactive imagination and talent for exploitation.