Last week we had Rosh Hashanah; now it’s time for Yom Kippur. Yeah, baby; time to atone! Starting tonight at sundown, Jews around the world will eat their last meal…for 24 hours.

Why will we be giving up bagels, lox and all those other Jewy foods for an entire freaking day?

To atone for our sins, people.

We have one day and one day only to apologize to God for everything we did wrong over the course of an entire year. That is not a lot of time, which is why everything that does not involve repenting must be given up. Like eating.

Or admiring good looking men.

Or personal gratification.

Or shopping.

Or reruns of Friends.

Or massages.

Or ice cream.

Or ice cream sundaes.

On top of a cupcake.

Served by him.

Or all those fun things that got us in trouble in the first place.

Tomorrow night – and my clean slate/macaroni and cheese – can’t come soon enough. Until then, be nice to your Jewish pals; it’s gonna be a long day.

Tonight at sundown Jews all over the world will begin celebrating one of our holiest of holidays: Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year). Unlike the traditional American New Year where we make resolutions for the upcoming year, this 2 day holiday is spent asking for forgiveness for all the mistakes we made over the past year.

I just don’t know if 2 days is enough for me.

Being that I have such a public forum at my disposal, I thought I would go the extra mile this year and clear my slate of sins before I even step foot into synagogue this evening. So, without further adieu, here are my apologies. Please forgive:

- I am sorry for doubting the Wolverines and their ability to have a KILLER comeback in a football game.

- I am sorry that I called that girl a bitch in the bathroom because she refused to pass me toilet paper under the stall.

- I am sorry for all those times I cut people off while driving; I thought I had more important places to be than them, but I now realize that getting home in time for Oprah is really not important at all (mostly because I have DVR). Read More »