I will not apologize for my beauty sleep. I will not!

This week, in light of the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur, I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting. I’m not Jewish, but the fact that my 21st birthday falls on the day of repenting has caused me to think about the fact that I’m doing the exact opposite: indulging and sinning.

I’m so not chosen for a reason.

Last week the CollegeCandy writers shared the things they want to ask forgiveness for. I’ve decided to take a different route and reflect on the things I’ve done wrong and have no desire to repent for. I’ve got enough Catholic guilt as it is.

10. Borrowing my sister’s clothes without asking.
Sorry Meredith, I just had to have that black shirt. You never wear it!

9. Indulging in cupcakes. At any hour of the day.
8 AM. Magnolia Bakery. Totally appropriate and healthy.

8. Exceeding my budget (by a lot a lot) for the sale at Saks.
It’s not like I need groceries.

7. Skipping class to sleep.
Not going to feel guilty for those extra z’s over watching a video on gender roles in advertising. Barbie, bad. I get it. I can find it on YouTube, right?

6. Lying about having a boyfriend to get out of a date.
Yeah, sorry I have this super protective boyfriend that won’t let me even text other boys. Read More »

Monday is Yom Kippur. For all you non-Jews out there who will be spending your Sunday night watching Entourage (instead of standing and praying for 3 hours) and your Monday enjoying the limitless salad bar in the caf (instead of standing and praying all day…without any food or water), Yom Kippur is one of the holiest days for us Jews. It is a 24-hour prayer festwhere we apologize and repent for all of our sins for the past 364 days and get back in God’s good graces.

And then we get to eat bagels and lox and cake. Yum.

I didn’t think it was fair that only Jews atone for their sins on a yearly basis. I mean, I know we all have a few things we’re sorry about (or should be sorry about!). So I opened up my big Jewish arms (probably all that kugel) to all of the CollegeCandy writers to join me on this holiday and repent for their sins. They all turned me down on the whole fasting thing, but here are their apologies for their biggest sins of 5769…er…2009.

Kayla – California State University, Sacramento: Dear, Boyfriend. Please forgive me for always using up the squirt bottle of fake butter.

Kari – Florida State: Dear Boyfriend, Please forgive me for thinking dirty, dirty thoughts about Alexander Skarsgard at a somewhat unhealthy frequency.

Maddie – Tufts: Dear boss: Please forgive me for spending so many hours on Facebook this summer while I was at work. If you hire me again, I promise not to log in once.

Kim – Stanford: Dear 7/11 gas station, I’m sorry that my friend pissed in your cooler and stole a pack of gum while I looked on and laughed and you called the police and they pulled us over after about 5 blocks. Our bad. Read More »

I live with 7 girls. Half of us are Jewish and half of us are not. In efforts to bond even more than we already do, we all take part in each others’ holidays. My non Jewish roommates fast with us on Yom Kippur and we all partake in the annual Easter Egg Hunt.

Last year we decided to take it one step further and we all decided to give something up for Lent. We set a rule that we all needed to give up something very near and dear to our hearts. One roommate gave up sprinkles (she would eat them with a spoon), one gave up eating after 10pm (that bitch lost 10 pounds), and I decided to give up using the word “pussy” (I have no idea why I use it so often).

One of our neighbors came by at the beginning of Lent and asked what we had all given up. I proudly exclaimed, “I gave up pussy for lent!”

Yeah, awkward. Not to mention the fact that I was two days in and had already failed.

This year I am going to do it right – I have become quite obsessed with cupcakes lately, so I am gonna give those puppies up. Hopefully I’ll be more successful than last year.

What are you giving up for Lent?

Yom Kippur is all about reflection. So, I spent a good portion of yesterday in synagogue reflecting on things I have done over the past year in an effort to clean my slate and ask God for forgiveness. I usually try not to regret those things that I have done, but that is not always possible, especially when alcohol is involved.

1. I regret that time I met a guy at a bar and did some naughty things at a very public table. That other people may have been sitting at. And the bar also happened to be a restaurant. And it was definitely not sanitary.

2. I regret purchasing condoms while drunk and choosing that the ones that glow in the dark/have spikes “for her enjoyment.” I did not enjoy them that night, nor did I enjoy the way those spikes made me feel for the next 3 days.

3. I regret thinking hooking up in a boy’s bathroom was “hot” – it was not. In fact, it was dirty, moldy and didn’t have a lock. So, with that, I regret that guy’s roommates walking in and getting quite a show.

4. I regret hooking up in my roommate’s bed because she then hooked up in my bed in retaliation…and made a much bigger mess. Read More »

Last week we had Rosh Hashanah; now it’s time for Yom Kippur. Yeah, baby; time to atone! Starting tonight at sundown, Jews around the world will eat their last meal…for 24 hours.

Why will we be giving up bagels, lox and all those other Jewy foods for an entire freaking day?

To atone for our sins, people.

We have one day and one day only to apologize to God for everything we did wrong over the course of an entire year. That is not a lot of time, which is why everything that does not involve repenting must be given up. Like eating.

Or admiring good looking men.

Or personal gratification.

Or shopping.

Or reruns of Friends.

Or massages.

Or ice cream.

Or ice cream sundaes.

On top of a cupcake.

Served by him.

Or all those fun things that got us in trouble in the first place.

Tomorrow night – and my clean slate/macaroni and cheese – can’t come soon enough. Until then, be nice to your Jewish pals; it’s gonna be a long day.

Today is the first full day of Rosh Hashanah, which means that I just spent 4 hours thanking God for everything he has given me in the past year (followed, of course, by a large and delicious meal). While in synogogue, I thanked the Big Guy upstairs for my family, my friends, my education and the fact that my money is still safe in a bank somewhere.

I also thanked him for my wonderful job, my great hair and the awesome deal I got on that green pashmina I wore to services.

I thought I covered it all until I got home and realized I left a major “Thank You, GOD” out: a hearty thank you for all the super hot Jews in Hollywood. And for the DVR that allows me to record them, the iPod that allows me to hear them and the vivid dreams that allow me to…er…interact with them.

It doesn’t matter if you are Jewish, Christian, Hindu, or Agnostic; I think we all owe someone a giant thank you for these boys. (Click on the pic for more delicious pics!) Read More »

Tonight at sundown Jews all over the world will begin celebrating one of our holiest of holidays: Rosh Hashanah (the Jewish New Year). Unlike the traditional American New Year where we make resolutions for the upcoming year, this 2 day holiday is spent asking for forgiveness for all the mistakes we made over the past year.

I just don’t know if 2 days is enough for me.

Being that I have such a public forum at my disposal, I thought I would go the extra mile this year and clear my slate of sins before I even step foot into synagogue this evening. So, without further adieu, here are my apologies. Please forgive:

- I am sorry for doubting the Wolverines and their ability to have a KILLER comeback in a football game.

- I am sorry that I called that girl a bitch in the bathroom because she refused to pass me toilet paper under the stall.

- I am sorry for all those times I cut people off while driving; I thought I had more important places to be than them, but I now realize that getting home in time for Oprah is really not important at all (mostly because I have DVR). Read More »

Rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan is saying TTYL to Jesus and Shalom to the Jewish faith.

Yes, like many non-Jewish women who fall head over heels for the Jews (and who can blame them?), Lilo is (allegedly) converting for her gal-pal, Samantha Ronson.

Being a card carrying Member of the Tribe, I feel it is my duty to whip up a (Kosher) Jell-O mold/some bagels and lox and welcome Linds to the Jew-berhood.

We are so excited to have yet another celeb on the verge of a mental breakdown to call our own!

Before I hand over the bagels, though, I need to make sure Lohan is in it for the long run. We Jews take our religion seriously and, like the bouncers at the Waverly Inn, don’t let just anyone in. Is she ready to use guilt to get everything she wants in life? Does she fully understand just how much time we are forced to spend in synagogue? Does she know that being Jewish is about more than searching for a good deal at Marshalls?

And, most importantly, is Lindsay truly devoted to our people, or is it all about the allure of Yom Kippur, a holiday where we atone (and are completely forgiven) for the sins we have committed in the past year? Lord knows Lohan has a lot of atoning to do, starting with that line of leggings she created.

Oy. As if having Speidi at church wasn’t bad enough, now we have to worry about having Lohan at Temple. God help us all.

Basically, I ran out of things to eat.

Yeah, yeah, it shouldn’t be that hard. But somehow nothing seems quite satisfying enough, quite interesting enough when I have to think so hard about my food.

I am not the kind of girl who diets. In fact, I’ve never been on a diet in my entire life (excluding this “Passover diet” that I go on every year for a week). And I’ll tell you, I don’t like it. If I had to be so careful about what I ate all the time, I would definitely be a much bigger bitch.

Which is really making me a better person. Because now when someone is rude to me on the train, I can think, “oh, they must be on a diet,” and let it go. Thanks, Passover!

In any event, the last couple of days were annoying. I missed out on free Beard Papa cream puffs, on free cookies, on going out to (not free, but still) pizza with friends, etc. etc.

I ate Pinkberry frozen yogurt for lunch one day when I was in a rush and couldn’t think of anything else that was fast.

I was not always nice to my boyfriend. Read More »

Passover. Great holiday. Eternal source of existential agony.

I’m Jewish, yes? Well, ethnically, for sure. My family is made up of Jews from Belarus and Romania/Transylvania (suck your blood, blah, blah, vampire joke) who take the culture seriously but the religion…well, not so much.

Supposedly, all sets of my parents’ grandparents were Orthodox, and then their parents (my grandparents) were all Conservative, but my parents, as first and second generation Americans, kind of let that all go. They sent me to Secular Hebrew School for five years, where I learned all about the culture but not the actual religious rites, and that was that.

However, my situation growing up was very different from theirs, and that, of course, made my relationship to Judaism a little more complicated.

My parents were both raised in Jewish neighborhoods in the Bronx. Growing up, they were in the ethnic majority (at least until high school). Being Jewish was just a fact of life.

I grew up in a very Italian- and Irish-American town on Long Island where I was one of about six Jews in my grade. Even though my parents and I barely practiced (every third year or so we’d go to temple for Yom Kippur), Jewishness became a very important part of my identity. As it happened, we lived directly next door to the Catholic church that was attended by about 85% of my classmates. This was a constant source of amusement. Jewish jokes? I was there…and maybe the one making them. Being Jewish made me stand out. So I made it work in my favor. Read More »