Having just “celebrated” banned books week in America, I started thinking about the importance of reading, the beauty of stories and how much books enrich all of our lives. And most of my thoughts came back to one single theme:

W.T.Eff?

Banning books? Seriously? First Obama gets attacked from those crazy moms who think he’s out to brainwash children by giving them talks on the importance of education and now reading is bad for children, too?

The whole thing is just absurd. Have people even read the books they’re trying to ban? How can a story about a pooh named Winnie who likes to eat honey and play in the woods with his other anthropomorphic friends possibly be bad? It seems like a book that is deemed “good” and “appropriate” these days is a book that will not inform your child of the existence of sex, racism, violence, homosexuality, the devil, bad language, and any other concept that will cause children to ask you awkward questions. The whole banned books thing will probably cause my AP Literature class to be renamed AP Literature That Will Morally Damage Your Soul.

Does this mean we should ban Pokemon as well, since the little animals “evolve,” which therefore enforces the idea of evolution and is therefore anti-Christian and therefore is Satanic? Winnie the Pooh may be the poster child for the obesity epidemic, his friend Eeyore for depression, and Kanga for single moms everywhere, but that doesn’t mean our younger siblings can’t read about them. I happen to like Tigger, even if he does have ADHD. And although Harry Potter may have “witchcraft and wizardry” and whatnot, it’s still one of the most significant contributions to literature in our lives, and as such, should be available to anyone who wants to read it.

So let’s take the attention and money away from banning books and focus on some more important things that should be eradicated from this planet. Because in 2009 there are so many things worse than kids in capes flying around on broomsticks or finding a lion in your closet. Read More »

Dear Internet,

Happy (alleged) Birthday! I hope this letter finds you well and spyware free. It’s been 40 years since you first transferred data between computers and look how far you’ve come! Just this morning, I Googled “cat playing piano” and, within seconds, you provided me with a scintillating YouTube video that made me giggle and set the mood for the day.

I would like to take this time to tell you how much I cherish you, Internet. You have given me a place to unleash my inner-stalker, and you let me do it in the privacy of my own bedroom (which is much less shady than the white van I used to camp out in).  For this, my dignity and I thank you. I sleep peacefully at night knowing Facebook and Twitter will be there in the morning. It’s better (and at times more satisfying) than having a boyfriend.

Without you and Craigslist, I would never have bought that T.V. from a complete stranger. He later asked me on a date and, if things go well, I will name our first-born child after you. Even if it doesn’t end in an Interweb love child, you’ve thoughtfully provided me with a back-up plan. Online dating. You’ve made it so I can type in my criteria, and almost instantaneously I will find my soul’s perfect mate. If I could make it so, I would have you as the maid of honor at my eHarmony union.

Internet, you let me watch my favorite television shows online on those days when I’m just too lazy to leave my bed. And that happens often. When I do finally decide to come out of hibernation, you will tell me the exact weather so I can plan my outfit accordingly and then give me the directions to guide me on my way. You cater to my every whim both at home and on my phone, and there is nothing that will keep you from me (besides forgetting to pay my bill sometimes). Read More »

It seems that whenever the trailer for a much-anticipated movie is released (i.e. the Twilight sequel), fanboys and girls feel the need to record themselves watching it for the first time. Watching someone watching something else…why?

As you would imagine, some of these videos fall flat (booooring…it would be so much better if the kid were peeing his pants in fear). But many of them end up becoming viral hits solely because the people “reacting” to the film trailers behave like complete lunatics on camera. Just watch Exhibit A.

There can only be one reason why people make these videos: attention-whoring. I can’t think of a single benefit from recording myself screaming “OH MY GOD, EDWARD!” every five seconds other than a one-way ticket to a million hits on the Internet. The people who do this are opening the door to two things: ridicule and World Wide Infamy. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no one truly cares what your opinion of the trailer is. As long as you’re waving your arms around and squealing like a baby pig, however, you’re Internet gold. Read More »

I would understand this more if my hippie stoner high school biology teacher were starring in this video, but Isabella Rossellini? For real? I don’t understand. Why? WTF, Isabella?!

I watch reality TV like it’s my j-o-b. If there is an unscripted show on TV (or sorta unscripted, a la MTV), I’ll watch it. And DVR it. And talk about it at length with my friends like these people are our friends.

Yes, even “Groomer Has It.” I have a problem.

But would I ever be on a reality show? Hell to the no. As fun as potentially melting down in front of millions of people at home sounds, I’d much rather be the one on my couch – bowl of brownie batter in hand – than the one being cut, manipulated and edited into some freak show for America’s enjoyment. And there are way too many things that I do on a daily basis that I would never (ever, ever, ever) want caught on camera.

Like the fact that I make brownie batter and eat it without cooking it. With my fingers. Or the awful farts I get after eating too much brownie batter. (Seriously, I don’t even want to witness that….it’s really the last thing America needs to watch.)

This week I asked the CollegeCandy writers to share the things they do that they’d rather not have broadcast nationwide. Their secret alone moments. What are yours? Read More »

Remember when you started college and you got a bunch of cool new stuff? Everything was shiny and new and you were off on a great adventure. A lot has changed since then. Now you’re all disillusioned by jerky professors and “real world” problems. Oh, and your laptop is an antique.

Many of you are thisclose to the end of your college days [weep], which means it’s time to upgrade your shiz for the next phase of your life. But what do you need? And which products are the best?

Look no further; I’m here for your graduating shopping needs. I can’t teach you how to survive out there – because I’m a few credits away from that awful place – but I can help you with that graduation wish list to hand off to the parentals.

Please hold your applause until the end. Read More »

We’re back with another edition of G.W.W.E. (Guys We Wanna Eff)!

This week, the release of photos of the Obama girls’ new puppy, Bo (So. Effing. CUTE!), had all of America swooning. But there’s another Bo who’s pulling my heartstrings—of course I’m talking about the sublimely funny Bo Burnham, who’s heating up the internet with his musical comedy.

At just 18, Bo has become the epitome of modern celebrity: an internet star who is breaking out big time into film and music. He has deferred his admission from the NYU class of 2012 to travel the world with his one-man “pubescent musical comedy” act, singing songs about everything from race and sex to family matters. He regularly pokes fun at himself in his songs, like in “My Whole Family,” where he laments about his parents thinking he is fat.

You can check out his not-so-innocent ditties on his YouTube channel or on his website, which includes links to his iTunes downloads and Twitter feeds. My particular favorite video of his, which can be found here, features Bo on piano before a large studio audience, where he is introduced by pop star Katy Perry. (Katy, please go back to kissing girls, and leave Bo’s cherry chapstick for the rest of us, okay?)

I actually heard about Bo from a College Candy reader, and immediately after discovering him, I sent links to all my friends (sorry, girls, for harassing you). With his mature-yet-boyish good looks, he’s like the best high school crush I never had. Oh, and did I mention he’s reportedly working on a new film with Judd Apatow? Talent + funny = eff me, please.

[Every week, CC and John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, saddest things he hears on his college campus. Join the Overheard revolution!Leave your own overheard convos in the comments or send ‘em over!]

(Frustrated girl, at a computer.)

Girl: Who is this person? This ‘giant-nasty-rotting-vagina’ person? Wrote the thing about the giant Husky penis?

(Girl and guy, at the dining hall.)

Guy: This fish is weird. It’s like salmon, but it’s not quite there. I don’t like it.

Girl: Did you eat the skin?

Guy: Uh. Oh. Yup.

(Girl on the phone.)

Girl: I can’t get on that plane! I hate planes! I’m always afraid they’re gonna commit ritual suicide or something!

(Girl reading a paper.)

Girl: I think the world is ending. We all stopped smoking [weed], and suddenly we’re comedians.

(Guy, being snarky.)

Guy: Changing the laws of physics isn’t something you just do. It’s something I just do. Read More »

The New York Times is reporting on a new study of American media consumption that says the average person spends 8.5 hours every day in front of some sort of media screen (television, computer, cellphone, etc.). If you think about it in terms of your average day, that is a HUGE portion of your time. More than the average night of sleep, more than a day spent at the office, probably more than you study or even go to class. Math may not be my strong point, but I figured that we are devoting more than one-third of our entire day to media exposure.

The study also organized data by age group to show, among other things, that “18-to-24-year-olds — generally college students and new entrants into the work force — watch the smallest amount of live TV of any age group (three and a half hours a day).” While television isn’t at the top of a college student’s to-do list, text messaging and watching videos online are. Read More »

You’ve been killing yourself all semester to tackle mountains of coursework while finding time to hit the gym and develop the perfect bikini bod to show off in Cancun, the Dominican Republic, Miami Beach…or wherever Spring Break 2009 finds you. When the day finally arrives, you’re ready to leave all of your woes behind. In a tropical hotspot hundreds of miles away from your RA, your professors, and your “Good Girl” reputation, you’re ready to let loose.

But be careful, ladies, because there’s still plenty of ways that your spring break behavior can come back to haunt you. Read More »