Which brings me to this: gay or not (but totally gay), girls recently have been going for guys just like Zac.

Why, you ask? Why on EARTH would a normal, man-loving woman want a guy like Zac Efron?

Seriously, why?

Well, it’s not just because they’re pretty. It’s because, and get this – lots of women say that these “FemiMen” make better long-term partners!

Dailymail said, “A study found ‘masculine’ looking men were judged to be less faithful and worse parents. Similarly, psychologists found men with feminine facial features are seen as more committed and less likely to cheat on their partners.”

Wow! More committed? How ever would we spot one of these diamonds in the rough?

Apparently, these FemiMen have:

1) Fuller lips

2) Wider eyes

3) Thinner, curvier eyebrows

4) A nicer complexion

5) All-around girlier looking

So, basically, these studies are showing that women prefer guys who look more like girls – think “Metro,” but on a more scientific basis, of course.

This is stupid. I understand that meatheads make shitty boyfriends. Guys who come off and make the effort to appear all masculine and tough are usually just insecure douche bags unfit for relationships in the first place. But, come on! FEMIMEN??

Why would anyone want to be with a guy who has “thinner and curvier” eyebrows than ours – just because they look “healthier?” That difference of style and appearance is what makes the dynamics of male/female relationships work. There are actually guys out there who are guys – who look and act masculine, but make awesome long-term boyfriends, too!

These studies are just trying to make superficial excuses for women who go for those shitty, frat-tastic, meathead assholes, knowing they’re gonna get hurt in the end. It’s not about looks, it’s about genuine personality and finding some one who makes a good boyfriend/husband/dad no matter how thin his eyebrows may be.

I’m sorry, but as much as I don’t want to date a guy who thinks he’s all rough and tough, I don’t want to date a FemiMan, either. I want some one who will protect me, not some one who’s gonna guard his naturally luscious hair while I punch another guy in the face for grabbing my ass.

Like this guy. Yeah! He’ll protect me.

Ahh, looks like Rolling Stone knows what the kids want! Even though Efron’s issue hits newsstands Friday, check out the high-res pic of Little Mr. Priss! Wow, he looks even more beautiful in sharp detail, huh?

Except, seriously, what a prude. He can’t just take the shirt off?

Gay.

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I thought the writing was terrible, the songs were worse, and the acting was mind-numbingly bad. Granted, it was written for kids, and I guess it was fine for someone just wheening themselves off Sesame Street and the Disney Channel, but when it comes to the over-16 crowd who worship the movie, I just don’t understand.

Another thing I don’t understand is the magical pull of Zac Efron.

I mean, he kind of looks like he’s made of wax. A 12-year-old wax figurine. I know he’s almost 20, but he sure doesn’t look it, and if it wasn’t all over the place that he was dating what’s-her-name, I’d bet $100 dollars his ass was gay.

So why is he so famous? I think it’s the same reason Sanjaya and Clay Aiken (two boys who should just give up and step out of the closet) were /are so popular. Tween girls love guys who look harmless, sweet, and perfectly groomed.

These guys look into the camera lovingly, have non-threatening voices, bust out vaugely—but not too—sexual dance moves and always seem completely drug free. They’re male candy; sweet and sugary and manufactured.

I suppose I can understand the Tween love affair with Mr. “Cupie Doll” Efron. When I was that age, my walls were covered in Leonardo DiCaprio pictures. Covered. I was in love with his boyish face, his skinny frame, and his almost feminine hair…looking back on it now, I find it hard to see the allure of a pubescent looking 20-something, but that’s because at this age, I’m looking for a man. Someone who knows how to pay their taxes and make dinner and beat up someone for my affection.

Every time I look at Efron, I feel like I might have to stand next to him at the urinal and make sure he isn’t intimidated.

So if you’re 12, I say, go on and moon over the boy.

But if you’re pushing 21 and still think he’s dreamy…you might want to flip off the Mouse Ears channel. It’s brainwashing you.