Son of a bitch iTunes, your damn shuffle setting is ruining my sex life. I don’t know how you manage to find all the skeletons of my music library, only to unearth them for mockery, but if I were to give out gold stars for sucking, well you would get three.
Last night, while having the sex (that last bit was done in a Borat voice) I unthinkingly leaned over my not quite spacious XL twin and started to play a Tribe Called Quest, good boning music if I’ve ever heard it. Don’t think this was done out of some weird compulsion to always hear music during sex, we were at a pausing point, one of those gaps when you switch positions. Anyways, things began to heat up again and suddenly, out of the blue, a capella starts playing.
No kidding — a cappella. I couldn’t imagine anything worse then having people know I like listening to that stuff, let alone have my computer blurt out a rendition of “For the Longest Time” done all barber-shop style. I was mortified, especially because I had been making fun of a capellla concerts earlier that day. In my defense, those singing types are adorable. Don’t judge me for having a little a capella stash on my computer, who amongst us doesn’t at least have the Spice Girls?
Anyway, the guy actually stops thrusting, looks at me, and then gets up to shut the computer. I literally wanted to die of shame. Good thing I’m a saucy minx, or he might have left me with my pseudo- Billy Joel.
So the moral of this tragedy, is that you can’t fly to close to the sun on wings of wax. False, the actual moral is that you need to have a sex mix handy on your iTunes. I’m compiling mine right now.
Mary’s Sex Mix:
1. Can I Kick It? : A Tribe Called Quest
2. Instant Pleasure: Rufus Wainwright
3. Do It Again: Stroke 9
4. Waiting for my Ruca: Sublime
5. Use It: The New Pornographers
6. Foxy Lady: Jimi Hendrix
7. Can’t Stop: Red Hot Chili Peppers
8. Ro Ro Rosey: Van Morrison
9. 3rd Planet: Modest Mouse
10. Amsterdam: Coldplay
Oh I could go longer, I just don’t want to brag. Notice the crescendo in the middle, I feel that adds a little extra something something. Happy boning.
PS. What about you? I need some suggestions ladies, I can’t keep recyling the same old mix you know.