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Alcohol keeps hasslin’ the Hoff


David, David, David.

Remember when you were on the coolest show on television? Remember when you got to see tits and ass and call it work? Remember when you had a freaking talking car???

And now what? You’re in Vegas, acting in The Producers (which is funny because, David…you’re sort of a horrible actor) and…apparently, getting drunk and letting your teenage daughters tape you.

In this tape, which has recently been blasted all over the airwaves, you don’t have a shirt on (gross, dude), are eating a hamburger like a two-year-old kid, and slurring everything you say. One of your daughters asks you why you keep drinking, and you sadly moan “Cause I’m lonely. I have trouble in my life.” Trouble like a divorce. Trouble like an ex-wife who says you knocked her around. Trouble like…letting your daughters watch you eat a hamburger without your shirt on.

Hoff. Pull yourself together, man. No well adjusted person asks their daughters to tape them hammered so they can “learn from it”. Why don’t you learn from the exhausted faces of your own flesh and blood? Why don’t you learn from those AA classes you’ve been going to? Why don’t you learn from incidents like that one where you smashed your head into a chandelier while shaving? I’m not saying you were drunk while shaving in that bathroom, Hoff…but…you obviously weren’t well. Because I mean, who doesn’t see a giant glass chandelier hanging above their face?

Personally, David, I need you to get better. I need you to start making awkward guest appearances on shows again. I need you to be a good dad to your kids. And I really, really need you to keep making videos like this.

So, come on, Hoff. Stop lettin’ the tequila get you down.

Do it for those Germans who love you so. And most importantly, do it for me.