The Bachelor Gets Lei-ed (Three Times, Probably!)

The Bachelor should be renamed “Euphemisms For Sex.”

I need to start keeping count of the different ways sex is implied, but the good ones include: “Special time,” “closeness,” and “electric soul connection.” Come on, it’s 2007, cant they just say “doin’ it” like the rest of us?

And there’s really no need to mask Andy’s inevitable dirty proclivities with the presentation of a rosewater bath for the couple to enjoy. Andy was in the Navy, for heaven’s sake — he’s not going to be taking any sort of BATH to experience “closeness” with one of his ladyfriends.

Whatever. Andy was looking a little worse for wear last night, especially in his Miami Vice ensemble on his date with good ol’ roundface, Tessa. Those two are made for each other — such chemistry! Did you see how they bonded over that sashimi? I’ve never seen flabby pieces of raw fish bring people together like that. Talk about foreplay. Yum. Let me wag this piece of fish in your face, honey. Aren’t we cute.

Danielle, on the other hand, is so boring I actually started studying for my American Cultures final to entertain myself during her segment. I know Andy went to Duke and all, but sometimes he just doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb. It was obvious that she had to go. Andy must have had other variables in mind besides ability to hold a conversation and general personality traits when trying to make his decision… I’m guessing Danielle probably gives a great back massage?

And then there’s Bevin, our faithful harlot, er, divorcee. Despite her lack of chin, she’s saucy. I actually kinda like her! I may even be rooting for her! Her controversial past full of divorce makes her interesting. Bev has a total wild side — she’s the kind of girl who shaves her armpits every other day. A rebel, I say! It might be risky for Andy to choose her because of her erratic behavior and free – spirited nature, but in the end he would not regret it. Think of how much he could grow from being with such an unexpected gal. Or think of how fun it would be for him to tame that wild, wild stallion.

In conclusion, the most intriguing development of this episode was Chris Harrison emerging as the God of Sex in his omnipotent ability to bestow the key to the Fantasy Suite to Andy and Bachelorette X. I just hope someone changed the sheets in between fantasies.

Well, I sure can’t wait for next week: The Bachelor on location in Amish Pennsylvania! It’s gonna be so heart – wrenching, the butter will churn itself.

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