Faking Never Solves Anything

I’m never going to profess to having a complete (or even partial) understanding of the female anatomy.But I know that there will be times when an orgasm’s just not going to happen for a girl.

Sometimes we aren’t pushing your buttons right; other times, it wouldn’t matter what buttons we push or knobs we turn (metaphors girls… I sincerely hope that guys you’re with aren’t literally pushing buttons or turning knobs), it’s simply gonna be a lost cause.

And yet, apparently, girls still take the time to fake orgasms. Get out! And here this whole time I thought I was a sex Adonis, never failing to bring my girl to an earth-shattering orgasm. Who knew that at least some of those girls were giving Katie Holmes-esque performances!

Please. Although we may look it, and we sure as hell act like it, guys are not as naive about fake orgasms as some girls would like to believe. Yes, we know you fake orgasms. Obviously, we can’t really tell on an orgasm-to-orgasm basis, but with portrayals of fake orgasms becoming much more prevalent in every realm of pop culture, the majority of guys no longer live under the illusion that we haven’t been faked out at least a few times in our lives.

And there are two things you should know about it. For one, we think it’s pretty dumb to fake it, but if that’s how you wanna play it, that’s OK by us. And two, it’s really not necessary, especially if you’re doing it just to “protect” us.

First and foremost, regarding inadequacy, it’s not your orgasm (or lack thereof) that makes us feel inadequate. Guys strive to be good in bed for two reasons. We want you to enjoy it so you’ll invite us back into your beds, and we want you to enjoy it so you’ll brag about us to your friends, who might then invite us into their beds.

If you’re faking an orgasm because we’re plain awful in bed, it might make us feel good in the moment, but it’s not going to stop us from feeling miffed when you refuse our advances the next time around. Moreover, if you’re faking solely to make us feel better about ourselves, and then go gabbing to your gal pals about how you were FORCED to fake it, we’ll probably hear about eventually, and that’s just not good for anyone’s ego. So what’s the point?

Think about it in reverse… Say you were hooking up with a guy, decided to get a little saucy, and went down on him. He’s writhing around and making all the right sounds, which makes you feel like best thing to suck since the Hoover vacuum was invented.

Meanwhile, he’s actually writhing in pain, and while he said he stopped you so you guys two could get to the sex, he really just needed to get your teeth away from his crotch. He then proceeds to tell all his friends that you give head like a pit bull going after a ham bone. You think you’re still gonna feel good about yourself because he acted like you were giving him the utmost pleasure?

If you’re going to lie about your orgasm, wouldn’t it just be easier to tell the guy you’re with that while it feels utterly amazing, it’s just not your night? It’s effectively the same white lie, but it doesn’t unnecessarily inflate the guy’s ego.

Here’s something else you should understand: any guy who’s worth anything (ie one you should want to continue seeing) WANTS to get you off. That’s how he scores his points. But if you fake it and give him the impression that he’s succeeded, he’s gonna think he’s working you right instead of seeking out a different way to get the job done. Shouldn’t you be encouraging his search for your holy grail instead of stunting it’s growth?

For guys, unlocking the key to each girl’s unique orgasm is one of the great mysteries of our time. If you don’t want to take the time to help us figure out what works for you, and then choose to just fake it, you’re pretty much just setting yourself up for future disappointment.

In truth, the only time I can really understand girls throwing out a fake “O” would be during an encounter in which you know it’s going to be a one night stand, and you really just want to get the guy out of there. There’s obviously no point in teaching the guy; you’re never going to see him again anyway. But in these cases, the guy frankly doesn’t care whether you’re faking or not, because he’s already gotten off, and he probably knows he ain’t coming back for seconds anyway.

Look – from a guy’s perspective, when you give the signal that you’ve orgasmed, regardless of whether it was faked, it let’s us know that we’ve done our jobs. And while guys do fake it occasionally (I’ll admit, I’ve done it… once), the majority of guys expect the girl to do whatever is necessary to get us off.

To your credit, girls usually oblige (we all know it’s not that hard). So why are you settling for less? Quit faking, and start teaching. Believe me, this is one aspect of our lives in which we’re always willing to improve.

The Blowjob Question: Redux
The Blowjob Question: Redux
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