Whoops, he’s gay: How To Deal

I mean, who hasn’t it happened to?

You find a guy who’s awesome in every way. He’s sensitive, looks at you when you talk, rubs your back after a hard day, and thinks you’re beautiful. Sure, he’s a tiny bit feminine, and you’ve heard rumors around campus about the possibility of him being bi-sexual, but that sort of thing doesn’t faze cool, confident you. It’s nice being around someone who’s in touch with their sensitive side! It’s interesting to be seeing someone who might be bi-sexual (“hey, that guy’s cute!” “You’re right, he is! Another way we think alike!”), and for the first time in your life, you might actually have found a dude who isn’t afraid to iron his shirts.

Which is why it sucks real bad when you find out he’s gay.

The first time a girl falls for or accidentally dates a gay dude, she’s bound to be thwarted by all types of insecurities. Not only has she been left behind by someone she liked, but she’s got to deal with the fact that she was dating someone who may have never had romantic feelings in the first place.

Anyone who’s walked across campus as That Girl Who Dated Him Before He Was Gay knows how confusing the situation can be, and as someone who had her own college experience and now finds herself surrounded by gay men who admit to having relationships with girls in college, it seems only right to divulge some advice that might help others who have mistakenly fallen for Mr. Seriously (No, Seriously) Unattainable.

First thing’s first, It’s Not About You. It really isn’t. If someone’s gay, they’ve always been gay, and have spent a lifetime trying to deal with it. It takes a lot of courage to finally come out, and if they do it during or after your relationship, it’s not because there was something you did wrong.

After losing a guy to another guy, a lot of girls ask themselves, So, Does This Mean I Look Manish? I’ll make this answer short and sweet: No. He didn’t pick you because you were the closet thing to a man he could find. He spent time with you because he genuinely liked you as a person, and when he called you beautiful, there’s no doubt he meant it. Just because a guy is gay doesn’t mean he has no idea what a beautiful woman looks like. I mean, when was the last time you met a straight fashion designer? (Okay, before you freak out, there are a few of them. But notice the word: few)

I Feel Really Inadequate, you might say to yourself after learning your boy has left you for another boy. Really though, this should be the easiest break-up your self-esteem has ever weathered. It didn’t work out between the two of you because of your Y chromosomes, not because of how you looked or if you could satisfy him in bed. If you two did happen to sleep together, I’m sure you were amazing, but all the tricks in Kama Sutra isn’t enough to make someone who likes guys be content with tits and ass.

Often, anger accompanies this situation, and many wonder if it’s alright To Be Angry With Him? Is it okay to be pissed off at someone for simply acknowledging a truth about themselves? Of course it is! Being angry at them for being gay is sort of a waste of energy, but you’re allowed to feel betrayed and misled. Freaking out at the guy initially is probably not the best idea (he’s dealing with enough, and so are you), but finding him once things have quieted down and airing out your feelings is a great thing to do. His actions hurt you, and he should know that. We can’t control who we are, but we can control how we live our life.

How Do I Deal With The Gossip? is usually the first thing that pops into the mind of a recently dumped-for-a-guy individual (after, of course, he’s gay?!), and it’s always easy for people to judge after the fact. How could she have been so blind? People might say. I always knew he was gay! But the truth is, if you were duped, chances are other girls were as well. If you think people are gossiping and feel like putting yourself out there, make sure that you answer any and all questions with your head held high. Do NOT be embarrassed. You’re not the first girl, and certainly not the last, who’s fallen for a gay man. It’s incredibly common. (Believe me. In a city with 4.1 million women and 3.7 million men, 1 in 4 of those men being gay, I’ve had my share of “he’s straight! Wait, are you sure?! Damnnit!”)

Lastly, if a guy you adore turns out to be gay, don’t try to change him back. It may sound stupid, but I know some poor souls who have attempted the unattemptable. Every once in a while we lose a cute one to the gays (T.R Knight, anyone?) but there are plenty of good looking straight men out there too. Find them, and chalk up that one time, when I dated a gay guy… to experience.

I know I have.

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