Alright, so when I first heard Angelina Jolie wore a twenty-six dollar dress to the NYC premier of A Mighty Heart I almost thought she was awesome. I was like, no way! I wonder if I have it! Maybe it’s from Forever 21? Man, that Jolie’s the shit.
Then I found out the dress was black crushed velvet, and from a Vintage store called “Wasteland” on Melrose Avenue in LA. Then I found out the cost of the dress was proclaimed by Jolie herself, and that she wore it with crystal-studded, satin peep-toe Christian Louboutin for Loris Azzaro shoes. And then I just got annoyed. Jolie is shit, not the shit.
Every single day we hear about celebrities being ‘just like us’ with pictures featuring Justin Timberlake picking up his dry cleaning or Jennifer Aniston in line at Starbucks. I don’t think this irritates anyone more than me. Celebs are not like us. When I walk out of my house today I won’t be bombarded with swarms of paparazzi, I wasn’t invited to the Grammy’s, I can’t afford Gucci or Armani, and I’m not dating Jake Gyllenhaal (yet.), so don’t tell me that Jessica Simpson and I could be buddies.
If Jolie wants America to think she’s just like any other little lady on the street (Yes, I just said little lady), then there are a few things she might want to change. For one, Angelin-duhhh, black crushed velvet is not a summer fabric. Any average Joe knows that it is strictly winter garb. She might have gotten it from Wasteland but was she waste-d when she decided to wear it in the middle of June? (Gosh, I’m too clever.) Also, if you’re going to wear a twenty-six dollar dress and try and sell yourself off as a Frugal Frannie, then you might not want to pair it with $600 shoes. Just a thought.
And Brad? Well you’re going to have to give him up if you want to convince us that you’re the girl next door, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man that beautiful in person, let alone dated him. Oh and P.S. Eat something. Normal people do that too.
Really, I’ve always admired Angelina’s humanitarianism and worldly adopted child collection, but what’s with the flaunty mcflaunt? We get it Jolie, but my bag’s from Wal-Mart. Twelve bucks! And I’m about to wack you with it.