Paris Hilton Bores America And Anderson Cooper

A nation yawned simultaneously for a full hour yesterday as Paris Hilton made her first public appearance since being released from jail. America was on the edge of its seat waiting anxiously for Hilton to reveal what actually happened behind bars and we definitely got our answer: Absolutely nothing. She was not in the general population; she was not harassed by evil prison guards nor was she somebody’s bitch. In fact, she got a chance to spend some quality time with her favorite person on the face of the Earth: Paris Hilton.

Paris came to a few profound conclusions in jail. She said to King, “I took that time just to get to know myself”. And get to know herself she did, realizing that she is fatally claustrophobic, extremely religious and hopes to train herself to talk in a lower voice to be taken more seriously. In terms of Paris’ early exit — then surprising entrance back into Lynwood jail, it was her claustrophobia that led her home as the Sheriff to the stars considered it a life threatening condition. Also discovered was Paris’ struggle with Attention Deficit Disorder for which she takes consistent medication. Generally, the disease is treated with Adderall, a common prescription used recreationally as an amphetamine (can‘t be good for the claustrophobia). But none the less, Hilton maintains that she has never taken drugs as she contradicts on film here where she encounters a man covered in cocaine who asks her to do a line off of his chest. Paris declines and says, “No, I can’t. I’ve done like ten”. Hilton has never been known for her honesty or her squeaky clean image. If anything, people seem to think that she is an immoral reckless spoiled brat — and in some ways they may be right. But, special treatment or not, 3 weeks on lock down can not be an easy feat.

She wrote in her prison diaries (which will no doubt be released as a book in the near future), “I felt like this is a new beginning for me, to see jail — and I just used it as a journey to figure out myself and who I am and what I want to do. And there’s just so much more to me than what people think“. Apparently Anderson Cooper, whose show immediately follows Larry King, just didn’t seem to agree. Cooper even stated that she destroys her image every time she “opens that lip glossed mouth”. He even stated in the beginning of the show that he “was not above the news” and had to report on what the world was watching against his better judgment. The entire tongue-in-cheek special explored why Paris was famous which Cooper still couldn’t understand, recapped the dumbest moments of the prior show and where her celebrity goes from here. Much more interesting than the interview itself was Cooper’s commentary on the spoiled socialite. A Vanderbilt heir himself, Anderson had little to no sympathy for Hilton and seemed somewhat embarrassed by CNN’s coverage of such non-news. Nonetheless, it is the fate of Cooper and the rest of the world to endure a lot more Paris in the future. It seems there is no escaping the socialite anytime soon as this incident has only furthered her celebrity and status as a pop culture icon. She is a product, a mass marketed item, Warhol’s Campbell’s Soup can, and like it or not — a staple in our culture.

For your next Paris fix, The Simple Life airs Sunday nights on E! Entertainment.

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