Undressing to Impress

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Spanx bodyshapers, padded and minimizing bras, even LoveMyBuns padded undwear—nowadays, a girl can tuck, lift, and boost almost any body part. These products are great for those days when we need a little help sliding into those favorite jeans or fitting into a date-night little black dress.

But what happens when one needs to slip out of the little black dress? Suddenly, that fake foam ass sewed into your boyshorts isn’t looking so bootylicious.

I found myself in this conundrum the other night, following a few bottles of wine shared over a blind date. We were stumbling back to his apartment when I was suddenly stricken with panic. I clumsily felt for the waistband of my skirt, confirming what I knew was true already—I was wearing a very unsexy pair of control-top pantyhose that ended somewhere in the vicinity of my armpits.

Without a purse with me, I couldn’t simply take them off in his bathroom, unless I planned to parade them through the living room. No, if I wanted any action that night, I would have to risk frightening the poor guy.

When he began sliding his hand up my leg, with no end in sight for the pantyhose, I was certain he would need therapy, if not Viagra, to ever get it up again. Grabbing his hand mid-grope, I decided to just warn him, before I turned myself off.

“Sorry, um, I’m wearing really hideous pantyhose,” I said apologetically.

“What?” he asked as if he wasn’t sure he heard me correctly, unbuckling his belt and pushing down his jeans. I started repeating my confession, only to be stopped dead in my tracks by….a man-thong?! Suddenly, I felt silly for being so self-conscious about my control ‘hose, when clearly, this guy could care less about my undergarments—as long as they were coming off.

So let’s hear it, readers. Scary undergarments—no big deal, or total mood-kill?

COLLEGECANDY Writer
COLLEGECANDY Writer
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