It has been about 2.5 months since I rendezvoused with a man in bed (or anywhere, for that matter).
At first I was okay with it; I kept busy with work and friends. Then, I was a little less than okay with it; I kept busy with cake and cigarettes. Then, I became beyond unhappy with the never ending sexual drought.
It got so bad that during a family dinner – where everyone in attendance was paired off besides me – my dad went around the table taking pictures of all the couples and said, “Lauren, hold up your right hand” when he got to me.
Seriously, people. I can’t make this shit up.
So, I did what any self respecting and sexual young woman would do; I turned to my good friend, The Pocket Rocket, to keep myself busy. And now I am blissfully happy.
And is there anything wrong with that?
Is it wrong to want to satisfy myself when I can’t find a man that makes me laugh (and is tall enough for my 5 feet 10 inches of woman)? Is it wrong that I like to come home from work and just want to let loose after a long day at the office? Is it so wrong that I really love falling asleep to the Food Network and don’t mind having a self-induced quickie during a commercial break?
No! I am a single woman and I have needs; needs that some men can’t even fulfill (namely, the commercial break quickies). And I am sorry if some of you people out there find masturbating taboo or uncomfortable; maybe you just aren’t doing it right. If you give it a real chance, you may just like it. In fact, you may just like it better than those boys you have been chasing since you hit puberty.
Honestly, I have never enjoyed being single more than I have since I embraced the personal-orgasm. I can do what I want when I want: I can eat what I want, I can shave when I want, and, best of all, I can have an orgasm when I want.
Screw all those girls who feel they have to change who they are for a man. Fuck everyone who dresses up for guys at the bar. I will not settle, so until my perfect mate comes around I will take care of things on my own.
I am a single woman. Hear me scream.