Don’t Drink the Punch!

Starting college is arguably the best thing ever. So many new people, new classes, new ideas—it’s like an ocean of new things that you can’t wait to experience. It’s awesome.

But with all these new, exciting things, you are bound to get caught up in the fervor of college before you realize—FUCK, maybe I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck, I’ve screwed up. Fuck, I am sooo stupid.

Which is why, my dears, I am going to tell you all the things that made me drop the f-bomb time after time in hopes that perhaps you can learn from my many, many mistakes:

Don’t drink the punch.

My friends like to call this night the “night of the naked vulture” because that was exactly what I looked like as I rocked back and forth on my top bunk completely naked. Naked because I could not find my pajamas and rocking back and forth clutching my knees because I had consumed TWO Bubba Kegs (around 80 ounces) full of the senior punch after downing four or five beers. This resulted in a hot pink puke fest from yours truly that lasted so long my friends had to hose me down in the handicap shower. The next day my sister said, “Didn’t anyone ever tell you NOT to drink the punch??”

No, no they did not. So I’m telling you. DO NOT drink the punch.

When you start having sex, you’re probably really going to like it. A lot.

I waited a while to do the deed. At the beginning of college, I was still rolling pretty hard on the God Squad and thought I would wait until marriage. Then, I thought I was going to wait until I was in love. And then, I was just like, I think I like you and I think you like me so let’s DO THIS.

And so we did.

And then, I realized that he wasn’t too interested in dating me after all and I was left alone, having experienced sex and realizing that it was AWESOME. And I wanted to do it again and again and again. The problem was, I was doing it time after time with different guys because I had yet to find one that wanted to do it with me more than once (i.e. be in a relationship).

Do not underestimate your sexual desires. They will take over your brain, your body and your sense of logic. This is the reason I advocate a serious relationship for those wanting to swipe their v-card. It’s just easier. And you don’t have to walk around feeling like the biggest slut ever just because you realized you really, really like sex.

And on that note, get the HPV shot.

This wasn’t around when I was in college so it wasn’t really a mistake I made but if you don’t get it, it will be a mistake you are making. Don’t kid yourself. Don’t be stupid. Don’t take any ridiculous chances. Just do it. Men can carry the virus and can’t really get tested to see if they have it. There was also this scary article that shows that HPV has been found under the fingernails of many males that were tested in a study. So if you thought you were safe by sticking to the first few bases, think again. And then go get the shot.

Don’t get five different store specific credit cards just because you can.

You go into a store to shop. You don’t really have enough money for that really awesome dress (or in my case, the latest make up palette from Bobbi Brown) but you JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT. And then those beautiful words come out of the cashier’s mouth: “Would you like to save 10% by opening up a (insert store here) credit card?” Just say no. Or you will end up with $1,000 in debt at a department store because it is just too easy to drop $300 during a single trip to the Bobbi Brown counter.

And speaking of money…

The best advice I could ever give you is to read Suze Orman’s book for the Young, Fabulous and Broke. Because it’s fabulous. And you’re fabulous. And we’re all young and broke. And if you don’t won’t to be young and broke (but still fabulous) after you graduate read this book before you do. Years before you do. I wish I had.

Don’t skip class all the time.

You’re hungover. It’s raining. The shirt you wanted to wear was dirty—oh wait, it’s clean—but still if it WAS dirty it would be a good excuse to not go to class. And you’re cramping or your big toe is (or is it?) and you haven’t been to the gym in FOREVER and instead of going to class you’re going to finish these last few episodes of The Hills Season 1 on DVD and THEN you’re going to workout. Which makes skipping class TOTALLY worth it.

It’s so easy to think of a reason to NOT go to class. I know. I probably thought of every reason why I didn’t need to go to class. And now, a year out of college, I am totally hitting myself because ALL I want to do is go to class. I miss class. I miss learning. Even one of my best friends, the one that could only take night classes because she almost failed her first few morning classes because she wouldn’t wake up told me she wishes more than anything that right now, she could go to class.

So, after you finish reading this blog, and then every blog I’ve ever written (a superb time waster if I must say so myself), get your ass to class.

What is…Drinking on the Job?
What is…Drinking on the Job?
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