The Butt Facial: I Should’ve Been a Beautician

Women love to pamper themselves. You know it, I know it, the American people know it. Hell, even I’ve hit up the spa on occasion to see what all the fuss is about.

But isn’t there a point when all this narcissistic pampering goes a little too far? By all accounts, the answer is a resounding no. Want proof? Apparently, the hip new trend to hit spas across the country is the butt facial. Yes, you read that correctly. The Butt Facial.

Now, I’ve never gotten, or even born witness to, an actual facial, so I’m not exactly the resident expert here. From what I can gather, the method for facializing (is that a word, and if not, can we make it one?) the butt is almost identical to that of getting an actual facial.

There’s quite a bit of cleaning (ultra-important where the butt is concerned) with a dash of detoxifying (not sure at all what that does, but it sounds healthy enough).

But I guess the real catalyst behind the butt facial craze is the second half of the process, which involves a type of electro-shock therapy designed to reduce cellulite and increase butt firmness.

The deafening silence you’re hearing now is the sound of every one of my readers jetting off to the nearest spa.

Unfortunately for the “regular” people among us, the procedure is running customers upwards of $800 a pop. Heyyy…welcome back everyone!

Now, I’m left with any number of questions upon reading this article, as clearly I’m in the wrong profession. For instance, how does someone go about becoming a butt facialist? Do the qualifications extend beyond having strong hands and a major affinity for the female ass? Methinks I need to conduct some in depth research on this one… maybe even try to score an internship.

But more to the point, isn’t this idea just a tad ridiculous? To me, this is just another example of our society desiring the quick fix as opposed to putting in hard work in the form of exercise; while not at all comparable in size or scope, this sounds to me like a very innocent form of liposuction. As a close friend pointed out to me, training for a half marathon and then showering has produced exactly the same result as would a butt facial.

Hey… if you’ve got an extra $800 laying around and feel like pampering your ass, who am I to stop you? But college gyms are free, and my bet is, there’s no shortage of guys on any college campus (other than maybe Bryn Mawr) who’d be more than willing to give your ass a nice rubdown if you simply asked them to. I’m sure every one of you could find a better way to spend the cash.

College is the New Diet Plan! According to some idiot…
College is the New Diet Plan! According to some idiot…
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