“I want to be skinny.”
That thought probably floats through my head a few hundred times a day. And the truth is I’m not overweight. Not even close really. But I just want to be thinner than I am, like 10 pounds thinner.
Do I need to lose weight for health reasons? No.
Am I totally out of shape? Nope.
So what gives? Why do I insist on being so un-accepting of my body?
Probably because I have this innate desire to be perfect, to strive for that unattainable “perfect,” hot celebrity body, that is the result of a) a super intense trainer and nutrition coach, which I will never be able to afford or b) a combination of drugs (no thanks) + an eating disorder.
Now I’ve never had an eating disorder, but I must admit I’ve treaded quite close to the edge with some serious calorie counting, not to mention borderline obsessive exercising. But most recently, since I’m perusing the web a lot (who isn’t?), I’ve stumbled upon the term “thinspiration.”
I’m sure many of you have heard of this. But since I hadn’t yet, I did some more digging, which led me to a TON of anorexia blogs, pro-anorexia websites, insane dieting tactics to avoid eating at all costs, YouTube videos that flash images of reallllly skinny girls so that they’ll “thinspire” you… the list goes on.
At first I was totally shocked and horrified by how mental the girls who create this sh*t are. But then, I became intrigued.
I visited these sites daily and read what they had to say about the monster that is anorexia or “ana,” which most of the girls nickname “her.” Their struggles with the “ana” voice in their heads is pretty much documented daily along with what they eat, how they feel, etc.
Then there are virtual support groups where girls exchange tips and tricks on how to lie about eating or pretend they have just eaten to avoid harassment from parents and friends.
One dialogue that really stuck with me was about one girl who was freaking about having to go out and drink with her friends. She asked how many calories are in beer and other booze and when someone responded explaining there were about 110 per drink, she wrote, “OMG I don’t think I can handle that many!”
My thought was, “Huh? I doubt beer calories have ever deterred me from drinking like 10.”
Despite my disconnect with them on the level of caring how many calories are in my alcohol beverage of choice, I did relate. I too want to be thin and beautiful. But obviously there are different levels to this desire, some that drive you to do totally crazy and unhealthy things to yourself.
Lucky for me I’m not there, but I still have a voice in my head telling me I need to weigh less, I shouldn’t have eaten those cookies, I look fat today… I want to be skinnier.
How the hell do you make that stop?
Check out this video that serves as “Thinspiration” for girls who are suffering from Anorexia. Unfortunately, there are many variations of this kind of video, all of which support looking unhealthy: